Are People Who Use The Phrase, "You Hurt My Feelings," Emotional Tyrants?

Responsibility for Sin, Emotions, and Sanctification

For any Christian, once you hear this and once you really start thinking this way and once you realize that this is the way the Bible speaks about sin in general, meaning we're responsible for everything n-word that we feel, think, desire, and do, when we're responsible for all that, not just the things we do, not just the things that we quote-unquote dwell on for some unspecified amount of time, when you realize that all of this stuff is sin, it really does, you really start to make a lot of progress.

People are tired of hearing nothing but doom and despair on the radio. Message of Christianity is that salvation is found in Christ alone, and any who reject Christ, therefore, forfeit any hope of salvation, any hope of heaven.

The issue is that humanity is in sin, and the wrath of Almighty God is hanging over our heads.

They will hear his words, they will not act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment, when the fires of wrath come, they will be consumed, and they will perish.

God wrapped himself in flesh, condescended, and became a man, died on the cross for sin, was resurrected on the third day, has ascended to the right hand of the Father, where he sits now to make intercession for us.

Jesus is saying there is a group of people who will hear his words, they will act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment come in that final day, their house will stand.

Why “You Hurt My Feelings” Sounds Like an Accusation

Welcome to Bible Bash, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask. We're your host, Harrison Kerrigan, Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we'll seek to answer the age-old question, are people who use the phrase, you hurt my feelings, emotional tyrants?

Now this is a topic that we're gonna be talking about today, mainly because, Tim, you did a Twitter poll on it, and it seems like you got some interesting responses from this discussion, and I think we say this a lot, but it just ends up being true so often, is we live in a society that really does value emotions over a lot of other things.

So like, for example, you can have a discussion about any given thing. We can use maybe like, does the Bible tell us that homosexuality is okay, right? You can have a discussion about that, and you can just lay out pretty clear Bible verses that obviously condemn homosexuality.

They call it an abomination for a man to sleep with another man, and then people immediately respond with anger, right? And not really very well thought out responses that have any sort of legitimate biblical backing, but instead they just kind of emote with everything, and that's just one example.

This happens all the time, which is really why we're having this discussion, but with a question like this, are we saying basically, well, I'll just ask you first off, are people who use this phrase, you hurt my feelings, which is a pretty common phrase that a lot of people use, are they being emotional tyrants?

When people use this phrase, this phrase functionally is a demand that basically says apologize or else. So I feel like the phrase itself is a very manipulative phrase, and it is a very common way that people speak, and it's a very common phrase for immature people to use in order to manipulate and control people.

So as a generality, if you're asking me the question, as a generality, which admits exceptions, are people who use this phrase emotional tyrants? I would say overwhelmingly, yes, yes, they absolutely are.

It is a very manipulative way of speaking, and it is something that we should probably erase from our vocabulary.

Okay, now, like I said, this is a pretty common phrase, you hurt my feelings. I mean, I know I've even said this plenty of times in the past. So are you basically saying, I know you said this is as a generality, yes, they are being emotional tyrants, but then I guess maybe explain that a little more.

Are we saying, are you saying basically like anytime anyone says this in the moment they're being an emotional tyrant, are you saying like they are just an emotional tyrant, and just who they are as a person, how they allow themselves to, you know, conduct, you know.

The totality, the totality of their being.

What is the, like, are we talking about like some kind of total depravity thing here, or what's going on?

Yeah, people who use this phrase are worse than Hitler, and might as well have been personally responsible for the Holocaust.

Wow, okay, that's a strong statement.

No, it's just, I mean, I think it's a very manipulative way of speaking that has become very common for people to use. And, you know, it's the kind of phrase that we really need to think through what we're actually communicating there.

Is it possible to hurt people's feelings? Is this a biblical way of talking, even? Like, rather than the ramifications of talking this way, but I think it is a very manipulative expression itself. So, you know, if you could center on the expression, it's a very manipulative expression to use that really refuses, like when an individual uses that, it's a way of refusing to take responsibility for our feelings.

So it's like, it's a rejection of personal responsibility there. And it does function as a demand. We can talk more about like how it functions as a demand, but it's basically functions as a demand to say sorry or else.

But then, so I think it's a very manipulative, like emotional tyrant kind of expression to use, but then people can use it just because it's the air we breathe, it is so common. And I think like there are situations where you can communicate that.

And particularly if the person understands himself to be in the wrong rightly, if they rightly understand themself to be in the wrong, on the receiving end of that, that encounter can go somewhat okay, if that makes sense.

And something useful could be communicated, but it's just a nonsense garbage expression that we need to stop saying. And it really is a manipulative expression. And I say the more that people actually use that as part of their life, like people use this expression on a regular basis.

They're like very, very difficult people to be around, very, very difficult people to live with, and very like difficult people to work with. So the greater degree to which a person talks this way or speaks this way, they are like that, that is their character.

Does that make sense?

Personal Responsibility for Emotions and the Heart

Yeah, I guess it makes sense. I mean, I still have some more questions that I wanna ask you about using the phrase itself. But before I get to those, I did think about, for me personally, I don't know that I've ever really, I can't remember the last time I said, told anyone like you hurt my feelings.

I guess, I know I've certainly said it plenty of times in the past. I just don't really remember when the last time would be that I've used this phrase now. And then just talking about this, it seems like you have to have like a sort of, a sort of emotional maturity, right, which I think is kind of what you're getting at.

So when you're saying emotional tyrant, you're basically talking about someone who is emotionally immature, who refuses to take responsibility for their emotions. And that made me think of a time.

Then they blame it on, they blame their emotions on other people.

And they use their emotions to control other people.

You made me angry, you made me sad.

Right, and now do what I say.

Right.

So that's different.

Right, and so that made me think of a situation I was in a few years ago now, where we were at a time in our church where a lot of different families were having a lot of really great things happening.

Right, so some people were, a few different people were moving into new homes. So they were having a lot of discussions about what are we gonna, which appliances are we gonna buy? And so we're all gathered together one day, we're eating lunch together and everyone's talking about like, hey, what are we gonna do for appliances?

We need to go pick out appliances. And then other people are talking about the babies that they're going to soon have. And my wife at the time was really, really sick. And so she wasn't really able to get out of bed much.

And so when I, so for several weeks, maybe a month or even two months, I was going and hanging out with everyone from our church without my wife. And so for me, there's a little bit of like a, there's a little bit of like a, hey, I see everyone else.

They're all talking about these really great things, but then I'm kind of going through like my wife is sick. She's not here right now. I'm feeling a little bit lonely in this situation. And I remember thinking like getting like jealous of everyone else for a moment.

And we were sitting there thinking, we were sitting there, everyone was talking, I was listening to them and I was starting to get a little jealous. And then I kind of came to this realization where I was just like, what am I doing?

Like, what's the matter with me? Why am I thinking this way? Like, look at all of these great things that are happening for some of our, my brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow church members who are, God's giving them homes, right?

He's providing homes for them. He's providing new children for them. And I'm over here like complaining about it and being jealous and like getting angry at God for it. Like, what's the matter with me?

I need to repent of this and instead like be thankful for what's going on. And I think, so I say all that to say, it kind of seems like that is a little bit of what you're trying to get at with a question like this, right?

You're trying to point out like, I'm sure most people, if I had told them like, hey, like I'm pretty like jealous about you guys. I wish you guys would stop talking about that around me because it makes me jealous.

Probably most people would be like, oh, you know, I didn't realize, you know, sorry. I wouldn't, I don't want to like do that for you. But then the reality is in that situation, it's me who's in the wrong.

It's not, you know, it's not them, right? And that's what you're getting at, right?

Biblical Language of Offense, Envy, and Self-Control

Yeah, so a tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. So like you have like jealousy, envy, like all this stuff. These are wrong responses to life. And right now we're living in a victim society and we basically, like there's certain assumptions that undergird this discussion.

And the primary assumption that is undergirding this kind of discussion is the assumption that a person can't help the way they feel. And that's just the air we breathe. They can't, you know, can't help the way you feel.

You know, my wife can't help the way that she feels. You know, no one can help the way they feel. And then, you know, that's where all the transgender stuff comes and all the sodomite stuff kind of comes.

It's all based on this assumption that no one can help what the way they feel and no one's responsible for what the way they feel. But then we live in a society right now that is so geared towards sensitivity.

It's like sensitivity that's out of control.

Yeah.

That we don't have a place for just saying, hey, are those emotions that you're feeling right? Are they right emotions? And who's responsible for them? Like, you know, and one of the things I commonly say is that I feel my own feelings, okay?

Like no one makes me feel anything, right? I feel my own, like my heart is responding to what's happening in the moment. And even if I'm being sinned against, like my heart is expressing its desires in those moments.

So my desires are coming out. And so I can train myself to be the kind of person who has like no control over my emotions whatsoever and blame them on everyone else. And so if I use language that blames everything about what I'm feeling on other people, that just gives me a pass to have no control over my emotions.

But that's what it means to have self-control, right? Is to not say that you don't have feelings, but that you're in charge of them and you don't just let them dominate you. And so we live in a feelings-oriented society right now and we have no place for just emotional self-control and responsibility, taking personal responsibility for emotions.

So we use these expressions all the time. So in that way, you're saying you're making me jealous,.

Right?

Right, yeah.

You know, a person can say you're making me angry, right? Like you're making me angry. And now if you say it like that, now you said you don't know how a person would have responded if you would have said that.

They probably would have said, well, sorry, right?

Right, yeah.

Well, that's the point. If you say you're making me angry, then I'm feeling something bad, right? And you're the cause of it. And so therefore you are in the wrong necessarily, right? So if I say you hurt my feelings, what I'm saying is like you did something wrong, apologize.

And there's no room for a discussion at that point. Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

Like you're not able to have a discussion. So like there's neutral ways of wording what just happened that are open yourself up to a discussion. But imagine if you're on the receiving end of that sort of thing and say you hurt my feelings and the person says, well, well, your feelings shouldn't have gotten hurt.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's an answer. I don't know how well they'll respond, especially if they're saying you hurt my feelings.

No, I mean, I've been like in counseling with people and there are people who will say that to me, you hurt my feelings. And I'll just look at them and say, no, I didn't. I didn't hurt your feelings. You're choosing to be upset right now because you misunderstood what I said.

And you can imagine how bad that goes, right? Because that's the first time that person has ever heard in their life someone refused to bow down to their emotions. Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah.

So you hurt my feelings. It's like, no, you misunderstood me, okay? You misunderstood what I said and now you're letting yourself get angry.

Or you don't like what I said or something, yeah.

Or you dislike what I say, you dislike what God says, and that's why you're mad about it. And it doesn't have anything to do with me and I refuse to take any responsibility for your reaction to God's word, right?

You don't like it. You don't like God's word and your problem's with him, it's not with me. Now, you could say that all day long, but what's happened, though, is that this way of communicating, you instinctively know if you push back on it at all, you've done something inappropriate, right?

Like, it feels like you've done something inappropriate, but then that's where I'm saying it's like a manipulative way of communicating. So let's say that, you know, a classic husband-wife scenario, a husband does something, wife doesn't like it, wife says, you hurt my feelings.

The expected response, we know what it is. It's say sorry, right?

Yeah, and stop.

And stop, right? And then accept whatever punishment's gonna come your way, right? So like all that. So like you, you're in the doghouse, you know, we have all these stupid expressions we use and I'm gonna be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Now, I can't understand why a man would ever sleep on the couch, you know, ever. Like, if a woman wants to go to bed unreconciled, she can go sleep on the couch. You know, don't, cut it out, man. Don't ever do that.

But that's a side note, but the point, though, is just to say you're supposed to say you're sorry, but imagine if that conversation was framed in a different way. So imagine if the person said I dislike when you do that.

I mean, you can have a conversation about that, right?

Right, yeah, you can say, okay, well, number one, when I do what, you know, and then why, right?

Yeah, why, why do you dislike that? And, or, you know, what am I supposed to do? Like, because like this, so what I'm, let me give you a little more insight. What I'm trying to accomplish in these moments is X, right?

Yeah.

And can you think of a better way that I can do it in a way that you would like, okay? Like, because I'm not trying to make you mad, okay? I'm not trying to do something that you're gonna find offensive.

So what can I do? So you can have a conversation if it starts with, I dislike what you did. Well, I don't know what else to do, right? You can have a conversation about that. And the end result may be that, well, I'll stop doing that because I understand that I shouldn't be doing that, right?

And then it can also be that you need to stop getting mad about that because there's nothing I can do about it. Do you see what I'm saying? So both of those options are available if you start with, I dislike what you did there.

Or, you know, even if I'm like, man, I feel sad about what you did, that still isn't a demand. Do you get what I'm saying?

Well, I mean, like technically you hurt my feelings isn't technically a demand. It's inaccurate, but it's not technically a command.

It's a demand?

It's not technically a demand.

I mean, I think functionally it is a demand. Like if you say, hey, you hurt my feelings, then what, the reason why like you hurt my feelings is different from like I, when you did that, I got sad, is that one form of expression took responsibility for the reaction and the other form of communication put the blame on you for the reaction, okay?

So if you put the blame on the other person, you say, you hurt my feelings, there's an accusation you've made there. You're the villain in this story. Do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, it's the same as saying, you killed my dog.

Right, right, so what I'm trying to say is it in of itself in its form is an accusation that's being leveled against a person that's painting them in a negative light. And basically you're living in a society right now that has been trained to basically respond to that with an apology.

That's the only acceptable outcome.

Why the Bible Calls Us to Overlook Offenses

Okay, so it's not just purely a semantics problem. Then,.

Right?

Right, I mean, so you feel it when I talk about it, like when I give examples of me, like of any individual, you can just imagine any individual pushing back on it at all and there's no way to push back on it and it be heard.

So now, like in the hypothetical situation that you're just talking about someone who's talking in a sloppy way, you hurt my feelings. And it's like, well, honey, should your feelings be hurt there, right?

Mm-hmm.

I guess not, okay? Then you're just dealing with like, I guess not, I guess you didn't have any, like that was literally the only option you had in that moment and I'm just taking things out on you. Like that kid could see what happened and then you're just dealing with a very bad way of wording what's happened.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Like at that point, you're just dealing with a very sloppy form of communication that could be easier if you would just speak differently. But in the vast majority of cases, like you've basically just accused them of killing your puppies or something like that and then they need to fix it somehow.

And that's what you're saying, right?

Right.

So that's, I think part of that is just the problem with the language in general. So you're just using language that's devoid of personal responsibility. I mean, that's the major issue here is that God holds us responsible for how we feel.

And like this kind of expression, you hurt my feelings. I mean, it's nowhere in the Bible because the Bible presupposes that man is responsible for their heart, okay? So you can't blame your heart on other people.

Like a good example of this is in Genesis where essentially God doesn't accept Cain's sacrifice and the text says that Cain became angry and his face fell. And now if you were to word that in like 21st century vernacular, you basically say Cain was pouting, right?

Now, no one would say that anymore. Like that would be maybe 20th century vernacular to say he started pouting. You know, what you would say now is, you know, Cain's feelings were hurt, right? So anytime someone is emotionally sad, then we're just trained to view them as the victim in the encounter.

The problem is that God looks at them and says, is it good for you to be angry? You know, if you do well, you're gonna sacrifice, not be accepted and all that. So God doesn't look at that encounter and his impulse in that encounter is not just to say, oh, poor baby, I'm sorry, right?

Yeah, I'm sorry you're upset. Like, so God has a very different way of approaching Cain than we have of approaching people. And so you can have like emotional responses that are appropriate to moments and you can have emotional responses that are inappropriate to moments.

And it's better just to take responsibility for it. So the Bible will use the language of offense, right? So it's better to say, you know, I was offended by what you did than to say, like, you hurt my feelings.

Right.

Sin, Desire, and the Call to Maturity

Just, right?

Yeah, and I have to imagine that there's some people listening that hearing something like this, it's probably like kind of a shock for them to even hear that their emotions are basically, you know, like they're responsible for their own emotions.

You're responsible for your own emotions. I'm responsible for my own emotions. But then if you read the Bible and you really understand just how ingrained our, you know, our desire to sin is, it does make a lot of sense, right?

So obviously you mentioned already a couple passages about like our hearts and, you know, out of the heart, the mouth speaks. But then, and we even did an episode on this, but talking about the idea that sin is not merely actions that we take, right?

And sin is not merely thoughts that we think, right? Sin is both of those things. So we can have sinful actions, we can have sinful thoughts, but then it goes even deeper than that. We have sinful desires.

And in that episode, which I would recommend going and listening to, I think it would help those of you who are listening as you're listening to an episode like this where we're talking about basically a more specific application of what sin can look like internally.

You know, in that episode on sin and whether or not desire was sin, you know, we talked about the fact that it's not merely your actions, it's not merely your thoughts, it's even your desires and the temptations that you have internally within yourself to think about things that you're not supposed to think about to want things that you're not supposed to want, to do things that you're not supposed to do.

All of that's sinful, right, Tom?

The Heart as the Source of Evil Thoughts

Yeah, so, you know, Matthew 15, 19, for out of the heart comes evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person, but to you with unwashed hands does not defile a person.

But within your heart, out of your heart, you're gonna come these evil thoughts. Mark 7, 21 says the same thing. So for from within, out of the heart of man come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.

Like there's, your heart produces all this covetousness, this deceit, this sensuality, this envy, like you're talking about, the envy that you're in, like that's coming from the heart. James 4 is another good passage.

Essentially, where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from the desires for pleasures which are waging war in your members? Yeah, you know, you covet and cannot obtain, and so you fight and quarrel.

You do not have because you do not ask, and you ask and you do not receive because you ask and miss, suspended on your passions. But basically, like there's a battle in your heart, and in your heart you have all these evil desires, this I want what I want when I want it.

And if you don't get what you want, James is saying you're gonna fight with people. You're gonna, you know, ultimately, now you can have anger that's like in the quiet form. You're gonna pout, and you're gonna manipulate, like we're talking about you hurt my feelings kind of language.

That's basically just kind of like, you didn't do what I wanted you to do, now I'm mad about it, so I'm pouting, and I'm going to try to control you, right?

Right.

Right, so that's essentially just James 4 stuff that's happening. And instead of just saying, hey, like, who am I, right? Son of man didn't come to be served, but to serve, to give his life a ransom for many.

Greatest among you is gonna be a servant, you know? Like, and a slave, you know? So, like, Jesus, like, if there's any human being throughout the history of the world who could talk this way, and actually be justified, it would be Jesus.

Right.

You know, but you never see him in any encounter looking at his disciples and saying, you hurt my feelings. You know, I can't believe that you treated me this way. You know, like, oh, you know, you misunderstood my teaching here, and you quit following me, and, you know, you're so mean to me, and, like, you know, and that's what, the reason why is because the Bible says, like, good sense makes one slow to anger, and it's the glory of man to overlook an offense.

Like, we need to be, like, the more a person grows in the Christian life, the harder they're gonna be to offend.

Right.

And they're not gonna be constantly taking offense because all their desires are being violated. In fact, they'll be, like, much more concerned about the other person than they're gonna be concerned about all their violations of preferences that happened in any given moment.

Right.

Contentment, Righteous Anger, and Maturity in Christ

Yeah, and so, I think having an understanding of what sin actually is, and just how deeply ingrained it is in each and every one of us, just how much we desire sin, I think once you understand that, this kind of conversation makes a lot more sense, because a lot of people are gonna come by, and they're gonna say, well, hey, I can't help the way I feel, right?

So, you say the, you know, you say the mean thing, and then I respond with, you know, well, that hurt my feelings, and then you say, well, you need to get over it, and then I say, well, I can't help the way that I feel.

I'm just, you made me sad, you know, right? And so, for that kind of person, this kind of conversation and the realization that their emotions are their responsibility, it can be a pretty shocking thing.

But then, like you're saying as well, I think one of the questions you have to ask yourself, and going back to the story that I told at the beginning of the episode, one of the questions that I was basically asking myself internally is, you know, whose will am I thinking about right now?

Right?

Am I thinking about, like, God's will? Am I thinking about what He wants? Am I putting other people before myself? Am I considering them more significant than myself? Or am I doing the opposite? Am I thinking about my will and what I want, and I'm putting, I'm considering myself to be more significant than my brothers and sisters in Christ?

And ultimately, you know, I think we all know the answer in my specific situation was, I was actually considering myself more significant, and I was thinking about what I wanted when I wanted it. And the moment, you know, that I realized that and repented of it and started thinking about what God wanted, started considering other people more significant than myself, and, you know, pursuing being thankful instead of envious, it all went away.

Right?

Well, that's where, that's just part of, like, maturing in the Christian life is to realize that, you know, the things that you want are not ultimate.

Okay?

Yeah.

And this is something that, like, many, you know, young people just, they, we're living in a society right now that just can't understand this basic point. And they think that their wants, like, should be policed by law even, right?

So if you want something to happen really bad, and you're gonna feel sad when you don't get it, then, you know, almost you need the whole legal system behind you to enforce it for you so that everyone can validate and confirm your feelings.

But, I mean, this is just an awful way to live. You know, so a lot of times people, when you have this kind of conversation, so if I'm trying to say, hey, you know, if you're the kind of person who is just sitting there constantly bludgeoning everyone over their head with the you hurt my feelings kind of stuff, then people hear that just to be me trying to say that everyone should be insensitive and rude and, you know, just a free pass to run roughshod over everyone else.

And it's like, no, I mean, I just think there's, like, I've tried to turn myself into the kind of person who is very, very difficult to offend. So, like, that's what, the Bible says that good sense makes one slow to anger and it's the glory of a man to overlook an offense.

So if it's the glory of a man to overlook an offense, then that means I should be striving to be the kind of person who's not easily offended. So the Bible says love is not irritable or rude. An irritable person is a person who is easily offended, okay?

That's what an irritable person is by definition. So I know, practically, biblically, that I need to not be irritable or rude. I know that good sense makes one slow to anger and it's the glory of a man to overlook an offense.

I know that as I grow in the Christian life, I need to be growing in this ability to say, you know, yet not I, but Christ who lives within me, I need to decrease, God needs to increase. I need to be thinking to myself, you know, not coming to be served, but to serve, to give my life a ransom for many.

I need to be a person who's praying the Lord's Prayer, God's kingdom come, His will be done, not my kingdom come, not my will be done, right? So what that means is that my wants in the scheme of things needs to get dramatically less important to me than what they are.

And if, like, the more that you realize that it doesn't matter, it'll be okay, right? You don't have to get what you want. You know, and a lot of people just haven't learned this basic lesson in life that it's possible to be happy and to not get what you want, okay?

Like, you don't have to get what you want.

And I would even go so far as to say, you know, the more, for Christians, you know, specifically, the longer you go throughout life, the more you go through the process of sanctification, the more your wants change in a way that God does end up giving you what you want, but you just want totally different things.

Well, yeah, that's where it says that the Bible says it's more blessed to give than receive.

Right, right.

So if it's more blessed to give than it is to receive, then, like, the issue is your wants change. Like, instead of just, like, I need to, you know, selfishly get everything that I need to get in order to be okay, at a certain point, it's like, no, I wanna make you happy more than I wanna be happy myself.

I need to do the things I wanna do, and I get pleasure in serving other people instead of just constantly having everyone do everything I want. So the point, though, is just to say that this way of speaking keeps a person trapped in this very immature state, okay?

Because it's based on this assumption that your emotions are totally at the mercy of everyone else.

Negative Emotions, Righteous Anger, and the Call to Grow Up

Yeah.

Can't help the way you feel. So you're basically just, you're in this permanent kind of victim posture that there's no mechanism to get out of. Because, basically, whenever my emotions are sad, I look around, I point at the person who did it, right?

Then I expect them to absolutely figure out how to never do it again. And not only that, they have to then anticipate all the possible ways that they could hurt my emotions in every way imaginable. And at a certain point, you run people ragged this way.