Church Soup ***CHRISTMAS SPECIAL***

Squirrelly Joe's Coffee Sponsor and Church Soup Introduction

Welcome back to Church Soup, the greatest evangelical news show in the history of the Internet. I'm your host, Keith Foskey, the Harbor Freight Doug Wilson, King of the Amillennialists, and, little known fact, the Polka King of the Midwest.

Here at Church Soup, we take all the evangelical news, mix it together into a hilarious stew, and serve it to you in about ten minutes. This month's episode of Church Soup is brought to you by Squirrelly Joe's Coffee.

Look in the description of this video to see how you can get a free bag of coffee and 20 off your next order. I want to kick things off quickly this week with an amazing claim from self-proclaimed prophet Joshua Holmes, who, along with stating he cannot get sick, also says that he has godlike powers over his environment.

And so I don't have no sickness or disease in my body. I'm anti-sickness. I am a god to every environment I go into.

Hmm. I've heard this before. I'm a god. Holmes also makes a claim which, to me, seems like something only a child would brag about.

Oftentimes, I eat without washing my hands.

Bragging about not washing your hands does not make you more godlike. It just means you're nasty. By the way, is it just me, or does Holmes look like he is the lost member of Milli Vanilli?

Girl, you know it's true.

I do have one question. If you're really a prophet from God, how are you still rocking an AOL .com email address? That's like listening to the latest music on 8-track tapes. As a prophet, you'd think you would have seen that one coming.

Also, it's ironic that Holmes claims no lack when it comes to health and dominion, but he sure does seem to have a financial deficiency, indicated by the multiple on-screen reminders that he has both PayPal and Zelle options for donations.

Just remember, folks, the only way health and wealth preachers can keep up their ruse is by having people foolish enough to send them money. So if you're sending money to Holmes, just stop it. Moving on.

Food Analogies and the Holy Spirit

Thanksgiving was just a few weeks ago, and in a sermon at Jackson Revival Center Church, an analogy was made between fried foods and the work of the Holy Spirit.

You're going to fry some chicken, you're going to need some oil. You're going to fry some fish, you're going to need some oil. You're going to fry some vegetables, you're going to need some oil. You're going to fry some bacon, you're going to need some oil.

You don't need no oil when you fry bacon, because what? Bacon!

The irony of this video is that you have a person who the Bible doesn't permit, making a point the Bible doesn't support, using a food that two-thirds of the Bible doesn't allow. That's like a foolishness trifecta.

And listen, when it comes to preaching about food, you can try all you want, but you ain't never going to beat this lady.

I got beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, lamb, rams, hogs, dogs, chicken, turkeys, rabbits.

You name it!

Christmas, the Incarnation, and Bad Bible Movies

That's how it's done. At Christmastime, we often see a literal explosion of bad messages which try to contort the story of the Incarnation into some kind of social gospel mold. Well, no one seems to have done this more egregiously than this United Church of Christ minister who uses the Annunciation of Mary as a call for pro-choice rights.

Mary gets to choose, and Mary chooses to carry the Messiah. Mary says, let it be in the story, which means that Mary is afforded a choice that so many people in our society today are no longer afforded.

Seriously? That's what you get from the story? Are you serious? It takes a creatively warped mind to compare the joyful response of Mary to the news of the Christ child to a person deciding on whether to allow their already conceived and unborn child the right to live.

Using that logic, we could totally reinterpret the actions of Herod. He wasn't wrong for killing the children of Bethlehem. He was just trying to liberate all the moms so that they could break free of their patriarchal suppression and go get jobs at the local market.

Speaking of terrible interpretations of the Nativity story, Netflix premiered a new movie about Mary just in time for the Christmas season because, of course. And it contains a wild assortment of unbiblical nonsense because, of course.

Which is surprising as it was produced by none other than the bastion of biblical interpretation himself, Joel Osteen. Who posted online, see Mary as you've never seen her before. Here's the thing, Joel.

We don't want that. Every person who tries to retell these stories thinks they have to add in a thousand unbiblical subplots from Noah's rock monsters to now Mary being drugged and seduced by Satan. Thanks all the same, but listen.

You can keep your weird Nephilim rock monsters, your girl power Mary movie, and whatever the latest thing Dallas Jenkins is up to. If there was ever a time when the phrase, the book was better, applies, it's any time people try to make a Bible movie.

Grinch-Themed Worship and Forced Humor

Churches throughout the United States always try to outdo themselves by ramping up their seasonal festivities. Like this church, which did a How the Grinch Stole Christmas themed worship service. Where a person dressed as the Grinch keeps interrupting the speaker.

That Grinch, bye. He'll be out there taking pictures with everybody after service. The Grinch, some of you are looking at us like we're the worst people on the planet for showing that you need to lighten up.

That was funny. Okay, don't be a self-righteous parent.

Hi, I'm Keith, part-time humorist. There's a basic rule when it comes to humor. If you have to tell someone that something is funny, it probably isn't. Unless you're Larry the Cable Guy. And if you have to chastise your audience because of their discomfort during your nonsensical stage banter, which you're pretending is a worship service, perhaps it's time to grow up and stop trying to do VBS for adults.

Holiday Reflections and an Impromptu Marriage Proposal

The holiday season is a time when a lot of people take stock of their life and make plans as they approach the new year. For some people, that means starting a new diet or exercise program. For others, maybe a new Bible reading outline.

And for at least one preacher, it's the decision that he needs to get married. And it doesn't really matter to whom.

I believe that God told me that my wife was here. And yeah, so whoever was planning on approaching me tonight,.

Then I'm ready.

You know what? Shoot your shot, fella. Do what you gotta do. What's the worst that could happen? It's obvious you're not going to make it on Charisma and Charm, so maybe you're right to think that varsity-level cringe is the way to go.

You never know who's in the audience. Also, and this is important, I definitely need a follow-up video to see if anyone took him up on this offer. Because if so, I need that entire story on my desk in the form of a documentary by next week.

Sexual Binaries and Denominational Drift

Pastorette Jordan Bussey of Asylum Hill Congregational Church recently claimed that sexual binaries are a colonial tool which has perpetuated violence and hatred.

We need to be very clear about something. Binaries are a colonial tool.

Please take note that the church literally has the word asylum in the name. It's called Asylum Hill because apparently Mount Crazy Church was just too on the nose. Over the past few years, I've made dozens of videos where I joke about denominations and one in particular I've teased a bit has been the United Methodist Church.

Fingers crossed. Well, it seems even my character with his obvious effeminates and exaggerated lisp is nothing compared to what is actually happening in some UMC churches. Case in point, meet Rushen Kimble of Broadway United Methodist Church in Orlando, Florida.

My name is Rushen Kimble. My pronouns are he, him, his. I have the privilege of serving as the pastor of Broadway United Methodist Church in downtown Orlando. Also, my drag name is still a work in progress.

So if you have any ideas, just please let me know.

Well, since you're asking, I think your drag name should be Blasphemy. Because it's certainly a blasphemy. Now for a new segment, news about the news. Mainstream media is losing its mind over Elon Musk declaring that X, formerly Twitter, is the new media and that old media outlets are becoming obsolete.

Their frustration was verbalized at the National Press Club when Axios CEO Jim Vanderhuy said this.

My message to Elon Musk is bullsh**. You're not the media.

MSNBC then echoed Vanderhuy with a tirade of self-congratulatory reminders.

What the New York Times does matters. What the Wall Street Journal does matters.

What church soup does matters. And don't you forget it. Greatest evangelical news show in the history of the internet. Also, it amazes me that he was also willing to say this.

Are social media people lying every day, every hour, every minute?

Of course we all know it's only people on social media who lie. The mainstream media would never mislead us. But keep in mind this is the same man who just weeks before Biden dropped out of the presidential race said this.

He's far beyond cogent. In fact, I think he's better than he's ever been.

Sir, if you were a wooden puppet, your nose would be long enough to have a bird's nest in it by now. Finally, in political news, to no one's surprise, and even after repeatedly saying he wouldn't, Joe Biden has announced that one of his last acts as president will be to pardon his son Hunter after a litany of criminal allegations have surrounded him for over a decade.

But as generous as Biden is being as he prepares to exit the White House, we all know at least one person who will not be receiving a presidential pardon.

And Corn Pop was a bad dude.

Closing Thanks and Christmas Sign-Off

Oh, Corn Pop, you're going to live forever. Thank you for watching Church Soup. I appreciate everyone who has contributed to this show by tagging me and sending me material throughout the month. You guys are awesome.

And if you want to contribute in the future, you can send me news stories at KeithFoskey .com or simply tag me in a comment with the hashtag Church Soup. Finally, I want to again encourage you to subscribe to our channel for more content.

Hit the thumbs up if you like this video. Hit the thumbs down twice if you didn't. And please support our channel sponsor this month, Squirrely Joe's Coffee. You can get a free bag of coffee by going to squirrelyjoes .com slash your Calvinist.

And you can get 20 off anything in the store by using my name, Keith, in the coupon code. So thank you again for watching Church Soup. I love you, and I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.