If Churches Made Survival Buckets

Generic Baptist Survival Food and Rick Warren’s Book

Everyone needs to be prepared in a crisis, so at Generic Baptist Church, we have created a survival bucket with the Baptist needs in mind. A family of four will have a 72-hour supply of easily reheatable 9x13 casseroles, fried chicken and several types of delicious desserts.

We have also included a copy of Rick Warren's new book, The Purpose Driven Survivalist. At Big Eva, Multiplex, Mega Church and Mini Mall, we provide each of our tithing members an emergency support bucket to sustain you in a crisis.

It includes a two-week supply of instant cappuccino packaged at our in-house coffee bar, Jehovah Java. It also has protein bars specifically formulated by our on-staff fitness coaches and a signed copy of our lead pastor's new book, God's Got This.

Government Trust, Gender Ideology, and the Open Minds Methodist Bucket

Also remember that during a crisis, all of our nine campuses will be open to those of you who have reached our minimum giving threshold, which is indicated on your membership badge. At Open Minds Methodist, we know there may come a day when you need to sustain yourself and your family during a crisis.

And while we think everyone should place their ultimate trust in the government to care for us, we have created a survival bucket for those of you who can't just let go and let gov. Our bucket contains a day's worth of freeze-dried soyburgers, some gluten-free buns, vegan cookies with rainbow sprinkles, of course, and we also put in a Coexist bumper sticker and a name tag where you can display your personal pronouns.

Because even during the apocalypse, there is no excuse for misgendering someone. At Superior Theology Presbyterian Church, our buckets have everything needed to sustain you for at least two weeks. In it we have a box of high-quality cigars, a bottle of scotch whiskey, and a copy of Calvin's Institutes along with the Westminster Standards.

We also include several boxes of the ammunition of your choice. We have everything from 5 .56 all the way down to 9mm. Our buckets have zero nutritional value, but at least you'll be safe and happy. And because we love our Reformed Baptist Brothers, you can order a version of this bucket which replaces the Westminster with the 1689 Confession of Faith.

But everything else is the same, because that's the way you all seem to like it. At 7th Sign Dispensational Rapture Ready Church, we know a terrible crisis is coming, but we also know that we won't be here for it.

So we have created the Left Behind Bucket. This bucket isn't to be used by you, but for you to show love to your unsaved friends and family. It includes a 7-year supply of freeze-dried food pellets and water purification tablets, along with all of the Tim LaHaye books, Kirk Cameron movies, and John Hagee charts to help them navigate their time in the Great Tribulation.

If you love someone who isn't rapture ready, be sure to get them a Left Behind Survival Bucket. At Old World Mennonite Church, we don't use buckets for survival. We use them to feed the animals on our farms, where we grow, harvest, preserve, and prepare all of our own food.

In the morning, Jedediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows. Other buckets get you through a few days to a few weeks, but being a Mennonite means you're prepared for life. We don't call it prepping. We call it living.