What Do I Do If My Worthless Husband Won't Lead? The Weary Warrior

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Welcome to Bible Bashed, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask.

Listen and enjoy this installment of Iron Sharpening Iron, as Pastor Tim answers your sincere questions.

Here's Pastor Tim. In this episode of Iron Sharpening Iron, we will be continuing our discussion, What Do I Do If My Worthless Husband Won't Lead?

And this scenario in particular that we have in mind will be the scenario of a woman who is married to a husband who we might describe as the weary warrior.

Now, one of the things we indicated in our last episode about the conquered coward is that there are many women who might find themselves in a situation where they're looking to their husband for leadership, and they're accusing their husbands of providing little to no leadership whatsoever.

But it might be because their husbands are either not leading in the way that the woman wants them to lead, or the fact that the woman is so resistant to their husband's leadership that she's functionally stamped out that leadership, and the husband has advocated his role as a leader.

So in the subject of a conquered coward, that is a scenario where a man in a good -faith effort was trying to lead, but his wife is so resistant to it that, like a coward, he just says,

Roll over and give it up. Now, in the situation of the weary warrior, this is a situation where a husband is attempting to lead his wife, and at every turn his wife is rejecting that leadership.

So a woman in that kind of scenario might look at him as if he's not leading at all, but the reality is that she is engaged in a never -ending conflict with the husband over that very issue.

She doesn't like the way he's leading, and he's going to keep on persisting. And what that is leading to, in terms of the way the relationship is actually functioning, is leading to an endless and exhausting kind of war that goes on and on and on and on and on.

Now, unlike the conquered coward, the weary warrior is the kind of guy who is going to persevere in the midst of his wife's opposition to his leadership at every point, but he might do so in a way that is a bit impatient or tired or short with her.

He may look at it as an occasion where he's just persevering and trying to lead an unruly and unwilling woman.

But part of what happens in that kind of scenario is that a man might treat his wife somewhat harshly, or as the

Bible speaks of a common temptation that many husbands face, he may get embittered with his wife.

And one of the things that happens in that kind of situation is that the more that a husband gets weary with his wife or embittered at his wife, the more that the kind of woman who does not want to submit to him will look at that embitteredness, and that will be fuel to provoke her basic rebellious stance that she has towards her husband in general.

So one of the things that happens is that the more embittered that husband gets, so we're talking about the kind of husband who doesn't give up and who keeps on trying to lead, but then he grows bitter about that.

But the more embittered that he gets, the more that that type of woman is going to look at that embitterment, at bitterness.

She's going to look at that, and she's going to essentially use that as fuel to basically say, why do

I even try? Basically, she in that situation is going to be tempted to feel unloved.

She in that situation is going to feel uncherished. She in that situation is going to feel undervalued, underappreciated.

And so then anytime a husband is attempting in that kind of situation to stand firm and stick to his guns, she's going to look at that as more evidence that she's unwanted and unwelcome and that her help is not needed and that her husband doesn't love her or appreciate her or cherish her.

And so the situation that's happening in that kind of situation is not one of the husband not actually providing leadership.

What's happening is that the husband is attempting to provide leadership, and he's not giving up. He's not giving up like a conquered coward.

He is not letting himself be conquered. But you're engaged in a destructive kind of feedback loop, essentially, where both the husband and wife are feeding off of each other.

And the more that the wife will not submit to her husband's leadership, the harsher he gets.

And then the harsher he gets, the more defiant she gets. And then they're basically stuck in an unhealthy pattern as far as that goes.

Now, one of the things to realize in that kind of situation, just like the situation of the conquered coward, if that is the wife, if she is the kind of wife who is the contentious woman as is being described in Proverbs, if she's the kind of wife who is bucking and fighting her husband's leadership at every point, functionally, her first task is to get the log out of her own eye.

And before she seeks to help correct whatever leadership deficiencies or even the bitterness that's present there in her husband, one of the things that she needs to realize is that she needs to get the log out of her own eye so that she can see clearly to remove the speck that is in her husband's eye.

Now, when you say that kind of thing, then one of the things that women often hear is that basically what you're saying is that, you know, if she just gets her act together and follows her husband, that everything will be okay.

And one of the things to realize is that there are problems there on both ends, but the only way that you're qualified to fix the problems of the other person is if you first fix the problems in your own heart.

And so the same thing you'd say to a wife, you'd say to the embittered husband at that point. You might say that your first task here as a husband is to functionally attempt to remove any bitterness and pray that any bitterness be removed in your heart.

Now, out of practical necessity, you're still going to have to provide leadership and you're still going to have to provide direction and you're still going to have to make decisions, and so there's nothing you can do about that.

You can't just give your wife your way until you completely remove all the bitterness in your heart 100%.

But one of the things that you shouldn't be doing is that you shouldn't be confronting your wife in a harsh, irritable, unloving kind of way in that kind of scenario.

But to the woman who basically finds herself in that kind of scenario, her first task is to basically learn how to follow before she learns how to correct her husband's leadership.

And one of the things that she might find is that if she could learn to be a better follower, even on things that she thinks are irrational or unreasonable or not the way she wants it or not her preferences or not according to her desires, one of the things she might find is that her husband might be a lot better leader than what she's given him credit for, and it might be that fundamentally a lot of her issues with her husband are actually resolved.

Now, in order to do this kind of thing, one of the things that needs to happen is that a woman in that kind of situation has to reject the lies that she's tempted to believe.

And some of the lies that she might be tempted to believe in that sort of scenario is that if a husband does not do everything

I want, then he doesn't love me. That may be one lie that she needs to address with the truth. Or she might need to address the kind of lies that says, essentially, that if my husband has a disagreement with me on any way, that somehow

I'm devalued or I have no worth or he's not looking at me as a helpmate or he thinks

I'm stupid or he thinks I'm crazy or whatever else. There's plenty of lies that a woman could be tempted to believe.

If a woman has declared war on her husband's leadership and most of his interaction with her is a series of frustrated conversations where he dreads coming to her and trying to interact with her, if that's the cycle that the couple is in, then one of the things to realize is a woman in that kind of scenario might be tempted to feel unloved and be tempted to be discouraged that her husband doesn't cherish her.

And the lie there is just to say that that lack of feeling of love or lack of feeling of cherished is just something that's fundamentally a problem with the husband.

One of the things to realize in that kind of scenario is that when a person sets themselves in opposition and defiance to your leadership at every single point, it's very hard to have all the warm, kind feelings that are going to be associated with the kind of relationship that's more healthy.

So everyone knows exactly what I'm talking about and I'm not saying anything this remarkably scandalous. If you have a child who at every single point you ask them to do something is going to scream and throw a temper tantrum and is going to make your life miserable and is going to functionally buck and fight your authority, if you can imagine having that kind of child and taking them to the supermarket and you do not buy them the toy and they have an absolute meltdown, one of the things you might realize is that their response to you in that moment may not be to say, oh,

I love you so much and I'm so thankful for you and everything else. One of the things that you might find is that that outburst was a significant source of embarrassment to them.

It might be that what comes out of their mouth at that point, even from a godly person, might sound more firm than it is talking to you in a way that you might want to be talked to.

So the Bible tells us to admonish the unruly, to encourage the fainthearted, to help the weak, to be patient with everyone. And so one of the things that you might realize is that if you are the unruly person and you're constantly getting admonished, you shouldn't conclude from that that you can never do anything right and you're never good enough and everything else.

One of the things you might realize is that those are lies that you're tempted to believe and what you should actually be believing in that scenario is that you are the defiant woman who's making everyone's job harder and maybe if you ease up a little bit that you can have a more normal relationship that is more pleasant to be around for everyone.

Now, that kind of thing doesn't excuse an unnecessary harshness that might come from a husband or a bitterness that comes from a husband.

It's simply just to say that if you're the person in that kind of scenario, your biggest problem at that point is to learn how to follow and learn how to follow with a good attitude.

At that point in time, you really have no business trying to correct your husband's leadership at that point.

But as I said, there's many different types of scenarios that a husband or wife can find themselves in and there's many different types of scenarios a woman can look at her husband and say, what do

I do with my worth? This husband won't lead. And there is a very real type of situation where a contentious wife is looking at a husband who is trying to persevere through a bad attitude and she may not like the way she's treated in response to her defiance but her biggest problem at that point is to fix the defiance and not fix the treatment of her defiance.