Is Premarital Counseling a Bad Idea?

The Problem with Premarital Counseling

Tim, the question for today is, is premarital counseling a bad idea? Yes. Okay, why is premarital counseling a bad idea? I mean, it's mostly a bad idea, okay? Okay, all right, all right. Why is premarital counseling mostly a bad idea?

Yeah, it's mostly a bad idea because, essentially by that, most people who come to a pastor and ask them to marry them, at that point, a pastor has some sort of feeling that if he's gonna sign off on this thing, he's gonna approve this thing, that he wants to at least do the best he can to prepare them for what's coming their way.

But then part of the problem is that most people are coming to him after they've already, they have their heart set on, like, we're gonna get married. So there's not like an option to say, hey, maybe this is a bad idea.

In fact, this is obviously a wonderful idea and you better approve of it and you better marry it, right? Or else you're a hateful bigot and the worst kind of person. You're an unloving pastor. Unloving pastor, yeah, I mean, you're basically Hitler, right?

So like there's this, so you have two individuals who are making probably one of the most important decisions of their life who are coming to you, theoretically asking you for help and advice and to validate and approve of what they're doing.

They're asking for counsel. That's what they're supposed to be doing, right? But then what they're actually doing is saying, the only counsel you're actually allowed to give me is the counsel that I've already decided, right?

Right, yeah. And then that request then, can you marry me is then done in the context of, like, we've already most likely decided on a wedding date. We've put a bunch of money into this, right? Like, you know, cause we're already forking out a bunch of money to make this wedding happen.

So then whatever counsel you give us is gonna be done in a context where, you know, there's only like, we're all driving towards only one and only one outcome. And then, you know, during that time, most of the time they're so busy at that point, planning a wedding that they really aren't able to process some of the things that you're able to do that could actually help them.

And so, you know, and then, you know, like, you know, putting all that in the pot together, then like it just, it makes for a bad kind of arrangement in general. And it's not doing nearly as much good as it could be done if it were done in a different kind of way under different kind of circumstances.

Premarital Counseling as a Checkmark Instead of Real Counsel

Yeah, it seems almost like, you know, you're going into the, you're basically going into this thinking like, hey, so it's supposed to be premarital counseling, meaning you're going to someone to get counsel.

You're going to someone to get, you know, basically like an outside opinion on what's going on. Right? But then I think functionally what it ends up being for most people is just like a, hey, give me a bunch of, you know, helpful tips for when I get married, for when I get married, you know?

And then, you know, I'm probably gonna forget most of them, you know, and I probably don't agree with the rest of them. Right? And so it ends up being like this pretty, like unhelpful thing in terms of like, really in terms of helping people find someone who is going to help them pursue Christ in a faithful way.

Right?

So what it becomes for the pastor is it becomes this thing where, you know, he's actually put in a situation where he has a gun to his head and there's only like one proper outcome that can happen here.

And, but then if he can say that he did premarital counseling, then at the very least, it's a way of talking him into thinking this is a better idea than he might otherwise think. Right? And so it's like, well, at least we did premarital counseling, man.

And then on their end, you know, they're looking at it like, well, we're obviously two responsible people because we did premarital counseling with our pastor, which we probably were completely and totally uninterested in.

And mostly it's just a check mark for them. Not only it's a check mark for them, but then it's the kind of thing that's like, it also becomes like a badge of honor for them. When, and then for the pastor, it's kind of like a ease my conscience kind of thing.

Well, I did the best I could. Right? I did premarital. And so then I washed my hands. I washed my hands of whatever happens. So, so it's just, I think in, it could be more helpful if you have a couple in the early stages of dating who are coming and saying, hey, you know, we're considering marriage.

We don't have like a timetable there. Right? Don't have it. Like, I think I'm a much bigger fan of what you might describe as like pre-engagement counseling than I am for premarital counseling in general.

Pre-Engagement Counseling Before Money and Pressure

Like, I think it would be a lot more helpful if this is, you know, two people who are coming to their pastor and saying, hey, you know, I like her enough to know that I want to, like, I want to see if this is the wisest thing, the best thing, the godliest thing.

Like, there's enough interest here to, I'm not wasting your time. But then there's not, there's not just like, I'm totally sold out on, this has to go exactly the way I want it to go with money attached, family plane tickets attached, you know, all this, like, it has to go a certain way.

If it could just be like pre-engagement, I think that could be a lot more helpful and a lot more beneficial for a couple at that point. Who is really actively seeking like actual counsel, you know, like, we want to make the wisest decision.

You're a spiritual leader in our life. Can you help us to think through some of the things that we should be looking for in each other to make a good decision, right? And then, you know, give us your advice, your counsel, your wisdom on us pursuing each other too in that way.

And I mean, there might be, you know, there's plenty of situations in that kind of framework where, you know, the guy has met the, you know, the attractive girl who, you know, basically is a pagan and he's attracted to her for a long reasons that you might actually be a help to him in that way if he came wanting your help, you know, or the opposite kind of situation where, you know, you have the desperate girl who is marrying the scoundrel, or who is dating the scoundrel guy because he's, you know, the one who's pursued her, you know, were you to give her, you know, or even, you know, even two, you know, mature people, I think they could benefit the most from counseling in that way if it were, you know, weren't given with a gun to your head, so to speak.

Wisdom, Accountability, and the Multitude of Counselors

Yeah, I like that. I like that a lot because I think, you know, assuming, yeah, like you said, assuming you have two people who are willing to actually hear your answers, even if it's not what they want to hear, then you really are protecting people from getting into lifelong relationships that obviously, you know, they affect the rest of your life.

And not only that, but then when you get into the engagement period, all of a sudden, like you said, you have people planning things, there's money invested in this date now, in a wedding date, families traveling, you know, conversations have already happened with specific family members a lot of times, and people are trying to travel to come and see you.

You're trying to merge bank accounts and all of these things, and so there's a lot of like, if someone were to get told in the middle of that process, hey, you don't need to marry this person, there's a very big pressure to ignore that advice just because like, hey, it's gonna look really bad, and there's a lot of things that you've got to untangle now that are gonna be difficult to untangle, and it would have been better to just, you know, never get involved in the first place, right?

And so, I mean, you know, for most people who are, for most guys who are mature, one of the steps that they take before they get engaged is to say, hey, let me go talk to this girl's dad. You know, I wanna get like permission from the father before I, I wanna get his blessing, right, before I go and ask his daughter to marry me.

Now, you know, I think there's some wisdom in saying like, hey, I also wanna talk to my pastor and not necessarily get like a, like, you know, well, I guess I hesitate to say like, whatever my pastor says goes, right?

But then there is like a certain kind of like, hey, so the whole point of like being at a church is you've found a church where you trust the leadership to shepherd you, right? And so it should just be a part of your regular decision-making, I think in general, but especially with this sort of big decision when it comes to picking someone that you're gonna spend the rest of your life with, it makes a lot of sense to say, hey, why don't I go talk to my pastor, you know, before this, and why don't we, like, why don't we go together and talk to my pastor and just, I wanna know what he, I wanna know what he thinks because I genuinely value his wisdom and I think, you know, I can trust that.

And so that makes a lot of sense for me. And, you know, hopefully people are hearing that and saying, unmarried people are hearing what we're saying and thinking, maybe this is how I should actually go about it so that I don't end up, you know, somehow getting married to like the contentious woman or something, right?

Marriage Wisdom, Unequal Yokes, and Early Involvement

Yeah, well, the Bible says the one who isolates himself seeks their own desire. So in the multitude of counselors, there is safety. And I think the more that you can actively involve people early on in the process before you just have all the emotions totally sold and on this outcome, I think the better off you're gonna be and the wiser decision you're gonna make.

And so I think, you know, there are some like sinful choices you can make. The Bible says, marry whom you will and marry in the Lord. I think, I mean, there's plenty of times where, you know, you have a couple and you think one of them is probably not saved.

Right. And so that can happen. But then I think you can make a wise marriage choice, make a foolish marriage choice. And if you wanna make a wise marriage choice, there's just so much to marriage that you might wanna get some people who have been married before and know the pitfalls, know the dangers, know the difference between like, you know, real warning signs and just, you know.

Immaturity. Yeah, immaturity, you know, it can help you sort through some of these things. And like, I mean, there are certain character traits that a person can have that will make your life significantly harder than it needs to be.

And, you know, those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, they have a much better understanding of what some of those things could be. So if you wanna make a wise decision, get people involved earlier on in the process with less pressure.

And I think that's the main point.

All right, fair enough. This has been another episode of Bible Bashed. We hope you have been encouraged and blessed through our discussion. We thank you for all your support and ask you to continue to like and subscribe to Bible Bashed and share our podcast with your friends and on social media.

Please reach out to us with your questions, pushback, and potential topics for us to discuss in future episodes at BibleBashedPodcast at gmail .com and consider supporting us through Patreon. If you would like to be Bible Bashed personally, then please know that we also offer free biblical counseling, which you can take advantage of by emailing us.

Now, go boldly and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually offended by your every move.