Resolving Conflict

Today, we'll talk about resolving conflicts. I think it should be an interesting topic, and I think the

Bible addresses that. And so we'll pray first. Hey, Scott Walkton, would you shut those doors, please?

Thank you. All right, let's pray.

Our Heavenly Father, we today are thankful that You are, that You have always existed, to think that there could be a being who has never began, who has never ceased, who has always existed, the great

I Am. I pray for these dear people this morning, that You would help them see, as Moses did, even in Exodus 3, that You are who

You are, and that You deserve worship. Help our hearts today to be quieted.

Forgive us our sins. We'd like to come into Your presence, cleaned by Christ's blood, so that we might learn and grow, and especially for today, that You would help us to be people who resolve conflicts for Your glory.

And we'll look forward to heaven, where there's not one more conflict left. We pray these things in Jesus' name.

Amen. All right, well, we don't have a large group today, but that's okay. If there was just one,

I would preach for the one. I like to say I preach for three people, and if those three people are happy, then

I'm happy. Who are those three people? Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. That's exactly right.

Sometimes when you're a preacher, you don't make everyone happy. And as a church even grows in numbers, what an impossible task that would be if I said to myself, my main goal today is to make everyone happy.

Actually, my main goal is to preach the Word so that the Lord is happy, and then He uses

His Word to make you holy. I'm after holiness more than I am happiness.

So today I want to talk about conflict resolution. I found from Ron Kraybill a little article on how to turn a disagreement into a feud.

I thought it had some interesting... We could all come up with our own, I'm sure. He says,

Be sure to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict, letting your own feelings build up so that you are in an explosive frame of mind.

How to turn a disagreement into a feud? If you must state your concerns, be as vague and general as possible.

Then the other person cannot do anything practical to change the situation. By the way, if I ever teach

Sunday school or Sunday morning sermon, and you like the quote that I quoted or something like that, I'll just send you my file, and I'll let you dig through whatever quote it is, and you can have the information.

But just email me because that will be my checklist to email you back. Assume you know all the facts, and you are totally right.

The use of a clinching Bible verse is helpful. Speak prophetically for truth and justice, and do most of the talking.

How do you turn a disagreement into a feud? With a touch of defiance, announce your willingness to talk with anyone who wishes to discuss the problem with you.

In other words, instead of talking to the person, I'll talk to anybody else. Judge the motivation of the other party on any previous experience that showed failure or unkindness.

Keep track of angry words. And then the last one, pass the buck.

If you are about to get cornered into a situation, indicate you are without power to settle, you need your partner, spouse, bank, whatever.

Well, my question today is, I wonder if any of you dear people who are, you look pretty good today at least, ever experienced conflict.

We experience conflict where? In our church, there's conflict. In our homes, at work, school.

We are conflict kind of people. That's just what happens. Conflicts are a given.

And I pulled up a bunch of information from my old friend Peter Weiss, my old friend, my really great friend, what's his name?

Peter Weiss, about conflict because I thought it would be very practical. I think doctrine is practical, but sometimes these things need to show themselves, specifically, and today will be conflict resolution.

Let me ask you the question. And go ahead and just raise your hand and I'll call on you. Why do you think conflicts exist in our world today?

Yes. We're fallen people. So by default, we are sinful.

And sinful people do what? Sin. Show me someone who sins, and I'll show you someone who's a sinner.

Okay, good. That one pretty much wraps it up. By the way, did I see you driving the other day? Right past the Seventh -day Adventist College on Friday?

I did, and I waved, and you did not wave back to me. And I was on my bike, and I'm like, Tim! And he did not even wave.

And I'd like to publicly call you out right now and start a conflict. Then as we engage in the conflict, you can see what's right to do, me, and what's wrong to do,

Tim. I'm sorry. Okay.

That does make me feel better. Brad. We all want our own way.

That's true, and that's a consequence of the fall. Any other reasons why?

What are the reasons? Yes. We are prideful and want to be right.

That's one thing you can ask yourself the question. I'm getting ahead of myself. But when you're in a conflict, are you the first one that wants to try to solve it, or are you the last one?

And I think lots of times pride is causing us to wait. We'll let the other people do things.

Now sometimes the husband needs to initiate, and we'll get into some of that. But pride is a big one. We want to be right.

Yes, Charlie. Everyone presumes that their perception of things is the right one.

Right? And we try to figure out things, and we see things as we see them. We think we have a good analysis of the facts.

We think our memory is excellent. And so that's good. Okay. Anybody else?

Let me give you a true or false question, still here in our introduction. It's not a sin to have a conflict, true or false.

Conflicts aren't always sinful, are they? Sometimes it's just a disagreement. Every disagreement is not sinful.

You can have disagreements with your spouse that aren't over sinful things, aren't sinful. Elder boards can disagree, church boards, financial boards.

We can disagree. It's not necessarily sinful. Let me ask you another true or false question. The key issue in handling conflicts,

I just gave it away. I'm just kidding. That's one of the nice things about Sunday school.

I can just kind of go, oh, when you're preaching a sermon, you just think, oh, all right. Weak point, shout.

Let me just state it then, not as true or false. The key issue in conflicts is how you handle them. That's what

I'm going to be after today, that you might handle them righteously, that you might handle them for the glory of God, whether you eat or drink, mundane, routine, regular things.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 10, verse 31, to do all for the glory of God, and you can actually have a conflict to the glory of God.

Matter of fact, again, I'm getting ahead of myself, but if you're a parent with your spouse in front of the kids, one of the things

I don't want you always to do is to go put the kids in some kind of cone of silence or sequester them to another room so you guys can resolve the conflict on your own.

I'd like you to be able, to the glory of God, to resolve the conflict in front of the kids. Kids need to know how to resolve conflicts that don't turn into sin.

They need to see. This is how mom and dad deal with things. This is how people deal with things in front of other folks.

So much so, I'll ask you the question, true or false, conflict should be seen by Christians as beneficial.

Maybe it doesn't seem like it at the time, but I think something good can come out of conflicts. Iron sharpens iron,

Proverbs 27, 17. So one man sharpens another. So what I'd like to do today is give you some, oh, you know what?

I found some other things that I don't want to miss. True or false, conflicts are ordained by God.

It's true. Ordained by God. Sometimes when

I'm in a tough situation, I like to think of this. Do you know the situation that I'm in now, God has placed me in and there could be no wiser place for me to be in than this right now.

If God's all wise and everything he does shows his wisdom, this is good for me to be in.

Maybe it'll make me depend on him more. Maybe it'll help me to be more prayerful. Maybe it'll give me a stimulus to seek out

Scripture. There's an opportunity for me to please God here and now.

So what I want to do is give you some don'ts in conflict resolution and then some do's. When I was growing up, it was romper room in the

Midwest. Did you guys have romper room out here, the do -be's and the don't -be's? So before I start, anytime you hear a do list or a don't list or a how -to list, you have to make sure you remember we are not moralists.

We are not therapeutic monotheistic deists. That is to say, anytime you give someone a list of things to do, we know that they can't do them on their own.

These are things that you could actually turn into prayer requests. Lord, help me do these things.

Lord, your grace must help me do these things because I can't do them on my own. Do lists and don't lists, we don't need more lists.

Years ago, there was a group that came out and they had extra promises and I thought, there's more promises to keep.

I just break them all. I don't need more promises. I need to focus on the one promise keeper who always keeps his promise.

So this is not a to -do list and a to -don't list. It's moralistic. These are from the Scripture and I think they will help you.

The number one, all right, you know what? Let's do it this way because you guys look pretty tired today. Let me ask you the question, what should you not do?

When it comes to conflict resolution, work, home, school, church, what should you not do? Give us the don'ts first.

We'll see if I have the same list. Gary, don't argue when you're tired.

I think that's a great point. Now, sometimes we have to break our own rules and sometimes you have to solve something when you're tired, when you have no sleep.

But for Kim and I, if it's past about 9 .30 at night, 10 o 'clock, I don't want to have some big deal going on because I would be just unwise.

I actually tend to be, I think, sharper at night. Kim tends to be sharper in the morning and so maybe we should flip the rule around.

We shouldn't argue in the morning. We shouldn't argue at night and then it's just like Barney. I love you. You love me. But when you're tired, that could be a time where you think, you know what, honey?

If it's a conflict in a marriage, I know you love me. I love you. I'm committed till death do us part.

I'm so tired. I just can't think. Let's talk about this tomorrow after a cup of coffee. I think that'd be wise, don't you?

I think that'd be very wise. Anything with coffee. There's wisdom to be found there. All right. Another one.

What should you not do when it comes to conflicts? Yes, Dave. Okay, not to be angry.

But is there a Bible verse that says be angry? Okay, that's right.

I knew he wanted to say that. It would be a good idea not to be sinfully angry. In Ephesians 4 when it says be angry and don't let the sun go down in your anger, when you feel anger and if you think it's really righteous anger, don't forget that anger is motivating you to do something.

So do it. If you're all upset about some kind of the new law has passed and you go

I'm so mad and it's righteous indignation and what are these people doing? Then you ought to do something before you go to bed because otherwise you're going to go to bed angry and even righteous anger, going to bed with righteous anger is going to cause problems.

So when you get angry about something, one of the ways you can tell if it's righteous or not is if it motivates you to do something.

So you say I'm just going to have to pray for these people. I'm just going to have to read my Bible and just say Lord these things are committed to you.

Sometimes if you get mad, let's say at a neighbor or something, they did something to you, I'm just so mad, they've infringed on my lot or something,

I don't know what it is. Not that I would ever do that or that experience even came up. But if it does, then you say well

I just need to call them. I just need to take care of it and then go to sleep. So sinful anger, the kind of throwing and yelling and everything else, we don't want to be involved in sinful anger resolving conflicts.

Okay. What else should we not do? I have a list here. Yes. Okay. Defensiveness is something that we all like to do.

We all try to defend ourselves. And how far does that go back by the way? It goes back all the way to the fall.

God, that woman, you gave me. Adam blamed

Eve. And then when God went to the woman, the woman said what? The serpent made me do it.

And so we can blame a lot of things and a lot of people, but we want to try to make sure we just take ownership.

I made myself sin. I made myself do it. Charlie? Okay, good.

I have that on my list. Don't ascribe motives to the person who you're having a conflict with because you are not omniscient.

You're not God. And there are things that go on even in your spouse of 40 years that you don't, you know it's always interesting how the wife will start the sentence.

The couple's been married 50 years and the husband finishes it or vice versa. You might know your spouse well, but you still can't read their motives.

The Bible says the Lord reads the heart. All right, anything else? Yeah, Gary?

Don't generalize like you always or you never because it's probably not true. It's probably a lie.

And so I always loved J. Adams' thing where the guy comes in with his wife and they're newlyweds and she says,

I just want my husband to be more considerate. He's not considerate. And so then J. says, then what do you tell the guy?

Then go be more considerate. What does that mean? But if you are concrete and specific, well, what do you mean?

How does he show his lack of consideration? Every night he comes home, he takes his socks off and he just throws them down on the ground.

Then you can say to the husband, love your wife by being considerate and putting your socks in the hamper. So then you come back the next week for counseling.

Was your husband considerate? Well, now you have something concrete and with his socks, it's probably a literal truth as well.

Concrete to use. Four times out of five, four times out of seven, he picked up his socks and he threw them away.

I'm sorry, he threw them in the hamper. I've seen some socks that need to be thrown away.

Okay, because if it's too vague, always, never, it's probably a lie. Most of the time you do this.

Often you say this. This last time you did such and such. That's much better. Good. Charlie?

Never take second hand news. Okay, make sure you understand the situation.

All right, well we've got a bunch and I've got, I'm going to turn this into a two part series again so I better keep going.

Let me give you some don'ts. These are my list. I could add them to yours, vice versa. Number one, don't bring up past resolved conflicts.

Don't bring up past resolved conflicts. If you turn your Bibles to Ephesians 4, you can easily see there, you have a

Bible, I'd love to have you turn. If not, that's okay too. If the past conflict has been resolved, then we're not going to bring it up because we are going to love like God loves.

And when we sin, those things have already been taken care of in Ephesians chapter 4. I've got my new

Bible. Everything's not where it's supposed to be. You ever get a new Bible and everything's all in the wrong column, the wrong place?

So now I have to find it. There it is found in verse 31 and following.

That all bitterness and wrath and anger, Ephesians 4, and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.

Here's the positive side. Remember, sanctification for the Christian is put off this, put on that, stop doing this.

It's all replacement theology. Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another and then it tells us how we forgive.

As God in Christ forgave you. And so once that thing is done, it's done.

And if you are the kind of person that says every time you get in a fight and I remember 42 years ago on our honeymoon when you did that, you were wearing paisley, you had your hair slicked back with Brylcreem, I can see the look on your face.

That would be the wrong thing to do. By the way, show me a bitter person. I'll show you somebody who remembers details because bitter people replay everything over and over and over and over so they've got everything picture perfect.

I did love this illustration. Years ago a large statue of Christ was erected high in the Andes on the border between Argentina and Chile called

Christ of the Andes. The statue symbolizes a pledge between the two countries that as long as a statue stands that peace will be between Chile and Argentina.

Shortly after the statue was erected, the Chileans began to protest that they had been slighted. The statue had its back turned towards Chile.

Just when tempers were at their highest in Chile, a Chilean newspaper man saved the day.

In an editorial that not only satisfied the people but made them laugh, he said simply, quote, the people of Argentina need more watching over than the

Chileans. End quote. That was a good way to resolve a conflict there.

The Bible says in Psalm 103, as God forgives, as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

I've said it a hundred times here, but why is it east to west versus north and south?

Why doesn't God forgive our sins as far as the north is from the south? Because if you go over the

North Pole and keep going, you end up going south. If you're here and you travel west and keep going, you keep traveling what?

West. And so as far as the west is from the east, that's how God forgives. Number two, the second thing that you ought not to do is to further escalate the conflict by, and these are sub points, number one, or A rather, is name calling.

And I just wrote a few down just for the sake of class today. I'm sure no one would say this, at least

I hope they wouldn't. Idiot, slob, dumb, whatever kind of name.

Mama's boy. Maybe that would be one. Just trying to think of names for no apparent reason.

But we don't want to call names. Sub point B, sarcasm or insults.

That's not a good way to resolve a conflict. Not going to get to the point anyway. As Gary said, exaggeration, overstating the issue.

I think maybe a better way would say something like, you frequently do this, you regularly do this.

Wouldn't that be better? I think so. As Charlie said, sub point C, mind reading.

And by the way, when we mind read and we attribute motives, it's not very often that we do it positively.

That's what we should do. I'm going to attribute to them really good motives, righteous motives, healthy motives, motives that want them to want my best, want me to be like God.

Inducing guilt, let's not escalate the conflict by that. Inducing guilt, look how you've made me feel.

It's not going to solve the problem. How about revenge or punishment?

That's not a good thing to do and that will escalate the conflict. I read somewhere that in a marriage that sometimes people ground their spouses.

They're grounded. That would not help the conflict at all.

You lose the we for a week. Proverbs 17, 13,

He who returns evil for good, evil will not depart from his house. Proverbs 24, 29,

Do not say thus I shall do to him as he has done to me. I will render to the man according to his work.

Romans 12, Vengeance is mine, I will repay. And my last don't is don't complain to your spouse if he or she does not know your preferences.

Don't complain to your church member, co -worker. This is probably more for marriages.

We all have preferences, is that okay? I think of the one here that I've written down, I hate blue shag carpet.

Well, honey, there's lots I can know about you and lots that I do want to know about you but I never knew you had a visceral hatred for blue shag carpet.

So I don't know your preferences and so now I actually know your preference. Did you guys used to have blue shag carpet?

Can you imagine when shag was in? When we bought this house eight years ago, we had in our living room orange shag carpet.

But you know, that really fine, expensive orange shag carpet when the sun comes in the windows and it kind of bleaches it out a little bit, so that's the kind we had.

All right, now let's talk about some do's. What should we do? Number one on my list, be wise about what battles you choose to fight.

Friends, rebuking is not a spiritual gift. I have the gift of rebuking.

I don't want you to be the over -confronter. Friends, if you're married or if you're here part of the church and I know you are, other people could sin against you every single day.

And if somebody sins against you every single day and you confront your spouse or somebody else in the church every single day,

I know they're a sinner, but I think you've got a big problem. And your problem is not overlooking with love.

Love covers what? A multitude of sins. If you're the rebuker, if you're the one, you know, pulling the spouse to the side, now we need to go talk and we've got to work this through or somebody here at church and you're co -teaching a

Sunday school class and things aren't right and you're the one always bringing them in all the time, I think you're not covering like you ought to.

I think confrontation should be few and rare, rarer and fewer as you grow old together if you're married and if you grow as a

Christian, they'll become fewer. Yes, Charlie.

Good. I think that is a sign of maturity, right? Where you're saying, I'm going to just doubt myself. I don't really know.

And if we boil this all down to the two great commandments, love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.

And would you like to be confronted every day for things that you've done? For every sin that you've ever committed, if you're married, would you like to be confronted for that sin?

And remember, sins aren't always what you did. Sins are what you don't do. Right?

You're not loving your spouse like Christ loved the church. You're not submitting to your husband like you ought to, the church does.

So there's all these things that you don't do that you're supposed to do and can you imagine if we were confronted on all those things? It becomes a battle zone at the house and then you know what you have?

You have husbands who say, I think I'm going to work late today because you know what, at least there's not conflict at work so I don't want to go home.

I remember a seminary professor and we all began to wonder and it's easy looking backwards but when he wants to spend all night, every night working on some kind of project at work and never going home, that's a good time to ask yourself the question, there's a problem and who wants to go home to somebody who's going to confront me every single time for every single issue and so for us, if you confront your spouse every day,

I really think you say prove it. Well, I don't have the exact quote here. I can just say that you should keep fervent in your love for one another.

That's 1 Peter chapter 4, stretching out. You ever try to reach to get something that's just past your grasp?

That's the kind of word there for 1 Peter 4, stretching out and if you say to yourself, what would they want?

What would be best for them? I don't think you would say, well, I think what would be best for me is if my wife confronted me on every single thing that I've ever did wrong.

We are to cover sins and the Bible says we are to cover what? A multitude of sins and so guess what?

I always love to do premarital counseling and the couple comes in and I can basically tell them anything, about anything and they're like, okay, you know, okay, read these 10 books.

Okay, you know, and I don't want to try to let them down because the biggest letdown is this, in your spouse's face, you are going to have the mirror of your own sinful reflection.

You're going to realize how big of a sinner you are. Not necessarily how bad your spouse is, but you're going to go,

I can't, I thought I was pretty good before I got married. I actually thought I was morally good.

I probably thought I was, you know, sinless. I thought the bell curve really didn't apply to me and I got married and I thought the person

I love the most in all the world, I treat like this, I think about like this. It's a disaster.

Now, I just got to keep going. My wife is gone today, so I can say what

I want. Number two, the second do, make sure, this should be actually a don't, but you'll get the idea anyway.

Do make sure that every conflict is not as intense as every other conflict.

I wrote down here, every conflict should not be at the same intensity, but that's almost like a don't. We kind of talk in our house about drama, drama queens, drama kings.

Some people are shaking their heads. There's a situation that comes up and it's not like it's even that big a deal, but the way people talk about it, it is a disaster.

It is 911. The voices get louder. You know, the marriage is about ready to break up over this little issue.

I don't want you to make mountains out of molehills. Number three, overlook sin and conflicts often.

Turn to Proverbs 19 .11. 19 .11, I want to show you a great proverb. People talk about what things show the glory of people, what could be glorious.

Proverbs 19, my notes happen to be in NAS and I need to look up the ESV. Proverbs 19 .11,

good sense makes one slow to anger. Good sense makes one slow to anger and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

I've been offended. What does the world say? You know, exact retribution. Here, we overlook it.

We overlook it. Number four, be a peacemaker. Let's turn to Romans chapter 12.

Be a peacemaker. I hope you're the first one to give in in the argument.

If you're the last one to give in and you're going to exact retribution and you're going to exact formal apologies and you're going to be the one who is all huffy to the very end,

I have a verse for you and here's your verse. Proverbs 19 we just ran.

Now we're in Romans 12. Romans 12, if possible, so far as it depends on you.

Be at peace with all men. Skip down two chapters. Romans 14 .19,

so then let us pursue, track down. I want you to think of fox and hound. Pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.

Show me a peacemaker and I'll show you somebody who's humble. Show me someone who doesn't want to give in. They're proud.

Okay, questions so far? If you're here for the parenting class, I skipped the parenting class today because we don't have enough teachers.

All the elders are gone today except me. I get to let my hair down. It's going to be wild today when

I preach. Can you imagine preaching without any elders here to hold me accountable? You'll get to see the real me today,

I'm sure. Yes. Great, let's talk about that because this is a good thing for parenting.

This applies to mother, father, child relationships as well.

When it comes to your kids, is that what you're known for? The spirit of rebuke that we just talked about? Is that what you're known for?

Always going around pointing out all these things? Or do you cover their sins? That's a great point because we ought not to go to our kids and have them hear everything.

Don't do that. I mean, believe me, I'm just listening to myself. Pick up your room. Push in the table.

Say thank you to mom for the meal. Make your bed. Brush your teeth.

Close the door. A big one in my family is turn off the lights.

Turn off the lights. My father, I can hear it a hundred times. You think

I work for the light company? He worked for the telephone company. So I wanted to say, does that mean

I can make all the long distance calls I want using that logic? I don't work for the power company. Now this has more to do with parenting than it has to do with conflict resolution.

But I think I could make it apply to both. Remember the gospel. True or false? This is the gospel. Repent and believe.

Is that true? Should we tell people to repent and believe? Yes. But to make my point,

I'm going to stand up because if you don't get this, you don't get Christianity. This is how I teach the kids and the youth. I'm actually standing on one hymnal and on one

Bible. Is that sacrilegious? It's like that little booklet, Ultimate Questions, and it shows somebody standing on a

Bible. It's showing the Bible being standed on because it's defiance. But I remember my friend

Todd Swift's little daughter saw that and she started singing, standing on the promises of God. Stand.

Okay, where am I? Repent and believe isn't the gospel. The gospel is this.

Statements of fact. Jesus died a sinner's death. Jesus was a substitutionary atonement for all those who would look to Him.

Jesus was raised from the dead. He was virgin born, virgin conceived, fully man, fully God, etc. There's all these facts about Him.

He died to make a ransom for sinners. He reconciled sinners. He redeemed sinners. He propitiated sinners.

And in light of that, repent and believe. You stand up and tell people all the time, repent, believe, trust, follow, forsake, deny.

And you don't tell them about who Christ is, you're not preaching the gospel. And if you only tell them,

Jesus was raised from the dead, and you don't put out the finger and say, repent and believe, that's not the gospel either.

God teaches with indicative and imperative. Indicative statement of fact, Jesus is King. Imperative, in light of that, bow.

So now how about parenting? I get convicted by this all the time. And actually, I love to just think about what

I'm saying because I know I need to do it. Here's the imperative parenting.

Don't pick up, stop it, I told you. That's not parenting.

That's not how God parents. God parents this way. This is what I've done for you in Christ Jesus.

Romans 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Finally the first imperative is in Romans 6.

No imperatives in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Then God says, in light of who I am, this is what you do. What's the most important part of the

Ten Commandments? I've taught you this congregation.

The most important part of the Ten Commandments is the statements in verses 1 and 2 in Exodus 20 of what

God did. I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

Indicative or imperative? Indicative. Therefore, here comes the Ten Commandments.

When I see Ten Commandments up on the wall without who God is, it's just creating a bunch of legalists and moralists.

I'm glad for any Bible verses, but I want the indicatives up there. So now how do you parent? How do you treat people at work, by the way?

Are you the imperatival guy? Do this, don't do that.

Work's in. Expense report's in. I want that forecast. I want the sales quote. I want this or that.

How about this? We'll do work and then we'll do home. At work, you've been working here for about 20 years.

You're a valued asset to this team here at work. We really appreciate all that you've done. You've been faithful and loyal, and in light of that, we've got this deadline.

I know it's going to cost you the weekend, but I really need to get it done. Get it to me by Monday. That's imperative following the indicative.

So for parenting, on my best days, I say this. Dad loves you.

Dad's provided for you. Dad prays for you.

Are you going to laugh? She's like, he already forgot what he did. I list as many things that I can that I've done.

You're the love of our life, and in light of that, what should you do? They don't even have to say,

I don't even have to say, quit hitting your sister. They just look at me and go, in light of all that truth, why am

I standing up here on these hymnals? I have no idea. In light of all that, I ought to love my sister.

And so ask yourself the question, when you parent, if you always go around telling the kids, do this and don't do that, you're not thinking about sanctification the right way.

And if you'd like to change your husband's behavior, A, wait till heaven. No, just kidding.

You ought to be more concerned about your own, but if you'd really like to encourage your husband and motivate your husband, it should be the same exact way.

Indicative and imperative. Talk about how he has loved you and talk about how he's provided for you and how he's been faithful to you and all these other kinds of things, whatever you want to say that are true.

And in light of that, honey, you've done all these things, I really need some help in this and could you please just do that?

That's a lot different than when you get home from work or for wives, they get home and the husband or the wife is just standing there just at the door.

I need a pound of flesh and it says the merchant of Venice time and I'm going to get you. I've been waiting.

I haven't got anything done for an hour because I'm just waiting for that time when you get home, the law, the timber is going to fall.

Okay, that was just my little indicative imperative.

Then I tell you the story, I was in Dublin and I just was finishing my thesis for preaching and I walk into Dublin Square and I was doing something really spiritual.

I wanted to get some kind of cool Bono glasses, is what I was after in Dublin. I walk in and there's a guy standing up, a really sharp -dressed guy.

At first I thought, because he was a black guy, I thought he was a Muslim. I don't know.

I just thought he was a well -dressed guy who was up and I got closer and he was saying, repent, believe, you better bow or you're going to hell and all this stuff.

I thought, I'm here for Bono glasses and he's standing up there preaching but he needs a little professorial help.

So I walked up to him nicely because he had a couple of bodyguards that looked like bodyguards.

I walked over and I said, I really appreciate your ministry but don't forget to tell them who they need to believe in.

He didn't even look down at me. Jesus Christ is a great king. He died for sinners like you.

He was raised from the dead. He's coming back and you better believe in him. I just walked away going, with his courage and my book smarts.

Now, where are those glasses? I want to get the knockoffs, of course. Yeah. Good, well, you know what,

Charlie? I'm interrupting, I know, but you could say, forget everything that I've done for you. I have unconditional love for you.

Good, I think that's good and if we say to ourselves, I'd like to please my Heavenly Father, our Earthly Father, because of who they are and I don't want to lose that fellowship.

That's a really good way to think about it. Okay, I have about seven minutes so I'm just going to say a couple things super quickly.

If you actually have a conflict, what do you do? Why don't you sit down and figure out what the real issues are, how to state the problem and how it affects you.

Discuss what both parties are contributing to the problem. By the way, it's not in my notes, but if you're married, it's your problem.

Even if it's the wife's problem, she's doing it, it's your problem, right? It's the marriage's problem.

If there's a problem in the church, it's the church's problem because what we do, we're interconnected. Discuss and evaluate possible solutions.

By the way, you don't have to get all this done that night. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were unsuccessful, what we shouldn't do.

Enlist the help of each other. Agree on one solution to try. Very, very important now.

Reaffirm your love for the person and your goal to glorify God in the marriage of the church.

And then after the resolution, change the subject. What I want to do is try to keep your emotions at check.

People say, I can't control myself. Well, yes you can. I can even prove it biblically. But the way

I can always know someone can control themselves is you hear somebody yelling at their kids or yelling at their wife and then the phone rings, you know, la, la, la, la.

Hi, how are you? I mean, you can control your emotions. I guarantee it. The Spirit of God wrote

Galatians 5. Husbands' leadership must break the tie.

We're equal in Christ, obviously. But husbands' leadership must break the tie. I might as well tell you the story since I have it on here.

Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute. They could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town sage.

The first man went to the sage's home and told his version of what happened. When he had finished, the sage said, you're absolutely right.

The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. You're exactly right. Afterwards, the sage's wife scolded her husband.

Those men told two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That's impossible.

They can't both be absolutely right. You're absolutely right. Husbands need to be a man and make a decision, a loving decision, and let the wife follow along.

I'll give you the last one, maybe. Don't worry. The person that you're having a conflict with, if they're a

Christian, will one day be glorified. The only thing that keeps me sane,

I think, as a pastor, when I deal with myself and other sinners, you, if I didn't think to myself, one day these people are going to be not just perfect in the eyes of God because of Christ's righteousness, but perfect, practically glorified,

I don't know how I could live. People are weak. People sin. You try to counsel and tell people what to do and give them wisdom and sometimes they do it, sometimes they don't, but at the end of the day,

I think God loves them more than I do and one day they'll be perfect. So why worry about this now when one day they'll be perfect?

Can you imagine one day, if your spouse is a Christian, they'll be glorified? You work towards that end.

Oh, let me give you one more. I said one more, but when Paul said, finally, in what verse and chapter did

Paul say in Philippians, finally? Paul's teaching away in Philippians and he says, finally, my brothers, chapter 3, verse 1.

All of 3 and all of 4. If there's something that needs to be dealt with, sooner or later, you've got to get it resolved so sooner is better than later.

I sometimes think, you know, I love you to the end. You love me to the end.

We might as well get this thing past us now so we can just go on with our life because I'm not going to leave you based on a conflict and here

I am. Let's get this argument settled because a half settled argument, someone said, is an ongoing argument.

Well, sometimes they say, if you teach a topic, then you get to live it the next week. Maybe you will.

If I had one bit of advice for conflicts, it would be this. If you remember what you earned as an unbeliever and what one sin has earned you and yet God has forgiven you in Christ Jesus, punished

Jesus in your place, then I think that should determine how you have conflicts at your home.

And I think you should not, in light of Christ's cross, be the rebuker, be the aggressor, be the one always going to the other person.

You should be the one in humility saying, you know, I deserve hell and I got you. I got eternal life.

Now, you guys, I'm thinking righteously. I'm thinking wholly.

You, I'm ascribing bad motives to all you, y 'all. You know what?

I actually thought to myself for a second, oh, that doesn't sound good, but they're naive enough. They've been taught well enough at this church.

I deserve hell and I got you. How about that? I deserve hell and I got you.

No, it still doesn't sound right. I deserve to go to hell and I get heaven and everything else. And if God gives the greatest gift,

He gives the smaller gifts as well. Praise the

Lord, the other elders are gone. It's not wrong to get into a conflict.

It's just wrong to respond wrong. And just think, Jesus Christ, He got in a lot of conflicts, but He never handled one incorrectly.

And so, you know, the good thing is, even though I've had to handle all kinds of conflicts incorrectly, the way

God looks at me because of what Christ has done is He looks at me as one who has been perfect in speech, perfect in attitude, perfect in conflict resolution because that's credited to my account.

And if you'll take God at His word to your account as well. Let's pray. Thank you,

Father, for the day. Thank you that we can laugh, enjoy ourselves as we learn from your word, how exciting your word is to help us.

I pray for Bethlehem Bible Church. I pray for the marriages that are here, the people that are here. I pray that they would grow more and more into the likeness of your

Son, especially when it comes to this. And Father, I pray for harmonious homes, happy homes, harmonious churches and places of work.

So help us be leaders in those things because we have the resources, we have your Spirit. And Father, I pray for husbands too, that they would be the leaders at home when it comes to this area as well.