Singleness: Is Singleness a Gift or a Curse?

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Singleness in a World That Despises Marriage

Welcome to Bible Bashed, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask. We're your hosts, Harrison Kerrig and Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we seek to answer the age-old question, should we view singleness as a gift or a curse?

So Tim, why don't you just start off in this conversation by maybe explaining to us why exactly it feels like this topic of singleness is so prevalent in the evangelical Christian world, why it seems almost like we're hyper-focused on the point of being single in general as Christians.

Maybe just start there and kind of explain for everyone why it seems like this is a question that people are asking all of the time, that it seems like pastors are always having to address one way or the other.

Maybe let's just start there.

Yeah, I think there's several factors that are leading to that, that you could talk about. I think one of the main things that I think is leading to that is we're living in a world right now that seems to despise marriage and seems to despise children at almost every single conceivable level.

And so marriages are, the statistics for the average year of first-time marriages are on the rise because we essentially are viewing marriage as a purely optional pursuit as far as the world's concerned.

And as sexual morality standards are being tossed to the side, essentially there seems to be little to no motivation to actually get married anymore. It used to be that people were operating under the old biblical definitions of sexual immorality, which included fornication.

And at this point, the vast majority of TV shows that you're going to watch are going to be having individuals who are living together, who are sleeping in the same bed with each other on television. And so as fornication becomes less taboo as a society, there becomes less incentive for marriage.

But then not only is there less incentive to marriage, we're actively hostile towards marriage as a culture and as a society. As far as those things are concerned. And then the more hostile we actually are to the idea of marriage and children, the more that the world itself seems to discourage marriage.

So that's happening for a variety of reasons. But then I think what's happening at the church level is that the church seems to be, particularly progressive Christians or those Christians who seem to want to present themselves as evangelical or conservative, but essentially have the same sympathies as the left.

What's going to happen is that at whatever point the world is pushing hard, those evangelicals who are compromisers to the core, who are fundamentally man-pleasers, are going to be individuals who are going to basically pick up all the talking points of the world at that point and then try to put Christian verbiage on it to sanctify it.

And so what they think they're doing is they think that they're rediscovering something in the Bible that essentially we've lost or that we're not emphasizing like we should. But really what's happening deep down, the motivation is something different.

There is a desperation in many of our evangelical elites to appeal to the world and to be friends with the world and to basically get applause from the world. And so then what that translates into is some sort of push towards singleness, coincidentally, at the exact moment that the world is pushing towards singleness and despising marriage.

And then they think what's happening is that they're being counter-cultural by talking about how the church idolizes marriage and all that. But then really what's happening is that they're just worldly.

And then there's a unique twist on that too with the celibate gay Christian movement. As the celibate gay Christian movement has gained steam, then essentially the world's telling us that homosexual orientation or orientation towards sodomy is some sort of fix, an immutable part of a person's character.

And so then we're trying to figure out, well, how do we interact with that kind of issue where sodomites essentially aren't attracted to members of the opposite sex? And so then are they individuals who should pursue singleness as Paul advocates and all that?

So I think there's a variety of things that are happening that are pushing us towards celibacy. Obviously it's different at the level of the world, and they're pushed towards singleness. But then the church is kind of basically just like a dog desperate for the approval of the world.

You know, just tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it. But they don't understand that that's their motivation, obviously. They think they're being biblical.

Yeah, and it seems like a lot of people are really pushing for this idea that the singleness that so many people are experiencing, so many young Christians especially are experiencing, whether they want to experience it or not.

It seems like, at least in my experience, anecdotally, I feel like I've seen a lot of pastors kind of push for singleness as this really great gift that you get to experience. So a lot of times maybe the young evangelical Christian will come to their pastor and say, Hey, I'm struggling with this.

I'm single right now. I want to be married someday. And it seems like the pastor's response a lot of times is to say, Hey, well actually, this is a really great thing that you're single right now. You should view this as a gift, whether it's temporal or not.

You should really view this as a gift. So Tim, why don't you maybe explain some of the thinking behind that? Why exactly is it that a lot of pastors are looking at singleness and saying, Hey, this actually is a gift that you're getting to experience right now?

What exactly is the reasoning behind that theologically?

Matthew 19 and the Meaning of the Gift of Singleness

Yeah, there's textual reasons for that, but then I think that there are other reasons for that as well also. So I think part of what's happening is you have all the relaxing of the sexual morality kind of stuff that's happening.

So there's less incentive now to get married. It used to be a guy wants to have sex kind of thing. And girl's not going to give him what he wants, you know, to put it crassly. So then she's going to make him wait till marriage.

And, you know, he is going to essentially that's going to be a something that's going to, you know, motivate him in kind of a natural way. Because guys seem to like that more than ladies do or look forward to that more than ladies do biologically and everything else.

But then kind of what's happening now is that there's a lot of people who are single because they're off pursuing careers and they're pursuing other things along those lines. And then, you know, guys are, you know, many guys are addicted to porn.

And why, you know, deal with all the work that it takes to get a woman when you can, you know, get the things that you wanted without a woman or most of them, you know, some are some kind of comparison.

And so what's happened is there's a lot of people who are unwillingly single. And then so along the lines of like, there's one stream of thought, essentially, which is making people view like talk about singleness because they're desperate to adopt all the world's ideas, you know, that are popular.

So, you know, marriage is a purely optional choice. A lot of marriages are ending in divorce and everything else. And so there's some of that that's happening. But then there's also this evangelical tendency to like be sympathetic to the victim, essentially.

And basically, so if you have a lot of people who are single and then they don't want to be single, then your knee jerk impulse is to try to paint that singleness in a positive light and to try to make allowances for that kind of category for that kind of individual.

Like, well, what do you do if you're that kind of individual? And like, can't you be a Christian and be okay? And isn't there more to Christianity than that? So a lot of the unique emphasis towards encouraging singleness is a reaction to the reality that there's a lot of people who are single unwillingly.

And then it's an attempt to kind of be sympathetic towards them in the same way that that attempt is being made at every Mother's Day. It used to be Mother's Day services, like you would have the ladies who had one kid stand up and then you have the ladies who have two kids stand up and then you do that until you get to 10 or something.

But then one of the things that's happened now is that you can't really go to a Mother's Day service if a church is going to do that kind of thing without acknowledging all the women who can't have children anymore in order to be sympathetic.

And so instead of just rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep, you have to always play to the victim, the perceived victim. And so part of that is what is all factoring into this idea of trying to normalize singleness because there's a lot of people who experience it and we don't want to act as if it's something bad.

So then you have to act as if it's something positive. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

So that's just not the theological impulse, but then the theological impulse largely is coming from Matthew 19 essentially. So what happens in Matthew 19 is Jesus is basically talking to his disciples and telling them the true intent of marriage to be one man and one woman for life.

And in Matthew 19 he says, I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery. And the disciples basically have this horrified reaction to that because it was in the law that there is some discussion that was being had about what is the matter of indecency that would allow a man to write a certificate of divorce for a woman.

Could it be as simple as burning the toast or something like that? But then Jesus was essentially saying that the meaning of that phrase in Hebrew was that sexual immorality essentially. So it seems like he's coming down on the side of one school of rabbis over against another.

And so their reaction to that is, well, if such is the case with a man and his wife, if this really is permanent, you can't just get rid of her if she displeases you. It's better not to marry essentially.

But then Jesus in verse 11, he said, not everyone can receive this saying, but only to those whom it is given. So that language of given, that given language is where people are getting the idea of a gift of singleness.

So he goes on to say, there are eunuchs who have been made so from birth and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

But let the one who is able to receive it, receive it essentially. So their response is, it's better not to marry than if it's that serious. And he's saying there's only some individuals whom this is given for essentially.

So that given language is the language of where the idea of gift comes from. But then I think the idea is a little bit different than what people think with that.

So you're saying basically the people who are looking at singleness in Christians today and saying, hey, this is actually a gift that you're getting to experience right now. You're saying that the majority of that, the motivation for saying that is coming from Matthew, right?

Is that the only thing there is? Yeah.

I mean, the majority of if there's any textual basis, and I think that that textual basis isn't very good for what's being communicated today. But if there is any textual basis for it, it's going to be found in Matthew 19 essentially.

But I think that what's being communicated in by most pastors with under the idea of a gift of singleness is not what is being intended by Matthew 19 essentially. But that language of being given singleness is where the gift language comes from.

Well, then I guess the question that's begging to be asked at that point is if we go back to our title question and ask ourselves, well, okay. So that's what some people are looking at versus like what Matthew, did you say 19?

Yeah, Matthew 19.

And you have another discussion in 1 Corinthians 7, but then that 1 Corinthians 7 isn't talking. It doesn't use the gift language in the same way, but yeah.

Right. So the question, I guess.

Or the given language.

Okay.

So I guess the question then becomes, is singleness actually a gift then or should we view it as more of a curse?

Yes.

Generally speaking. You said, yeah. Is it this or that? Yes.

Definitely.

All right. What do you mean? You've got to explain yourself.

Singleness as a Curse for Most People

So, I mean, the Bible opens up with essentially the command to mankind to be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. So that idea of being fruitful and multiply is essentially it's a corporate command given to humanity.

And that corporate command is repeated in the Noahic covenant to Noah. Essentially, God blessed Noah and told him to be fruitful and multiply everything else. So like the idea of be fruitful and multiply, that's what you might describe as a corporate command.

It's a command given to the human race. It reflects God's design for mankind at a pretty fundamental level. And so when you think about that command, I mean, it's a lot of people try to get out of the idea that it's actually a command.

But the Hebrew is very clear. It's obviously a command that's being given to the entire human race. And it's, you know, there's no way to be fruitful and multiply apart from marriage. And so for this reason, God gave, for this reason, man shall leave his father and mother, hold past his wife, the two will become one flesh.

So like the idea of marriage is marriage is meant to be a uniquely procreative union. And it's meant to, it reflects God's design for the human race at a pretty fundamental level. Not only is this true exegetically, it's just true biologically speaking.

So we have bodily cycles that remind us every, you know, if you're a man, multiple times a day, all day long. You have a cycle, you know, you have a cycle that is telling you that you were made to reproduce, essentially.

And if you're a lady, you have a monthly cycle that's telling you that you need to reproduce. And like, because, you know, the man cycle, cycle of reproduction is a lot quicker than a woman. That's why the man thinks about sex a lot more than a woman will.

But then, you know, the standard, like the standard lady post-marriage might only be, have sexual desire, you know, once a month near her cycle. You know, apart from anything else, whereas a man's very different.

But what I'm trying to say is like we have these biological realities that are telling us about our design. And, you know, it's insane. One of the things that's happened is like you have like, you know, biblically speaking, we've prolonged adulthood until like 18 or something like that.

And not even that really, we don't even really consider kids and adults at that point. But then if you think about like the biblical definition of adulthood, it's post-puberty. That's what it is. But then we're basically, we're raising the age of adulthood and then we're raising the age of first time marriages to like 28 or something like that.

Yeah, it's really high.

But think about that. I mean, how many years past puberty is that to where you have a body telling you to do something that you're supposed to ignore for years and years and years because you're supposedly, you know, so immature because you're addicted to entertainment or whatever else.

So like the thing is God gives a corporate command to humanity, basically telling him to be fruitful and multiply. And then he's designed them in such a way that their body is telling them in, you know, if you're a guy every day, multiple times a day, all day long telling you you're designed to reproduce.

And then if you're a lady, it's like you have a bodily monthly cycle that's reminding you of your design. And so like if you just use your brain and you think about it like logically, like God's designed for the human race, like for 99 of the human races that we get married and have a family and start a family.

Like that's what your biology is telling you every day on a regular basis. And so like that's God's design for you. And then if you ignore that design, then it's like, you know, Proverbs tells us that the barren womb is never satisfied, right?

Just like shale, like the barren womb is never satisfied. And the reason why is because you have a body that's telling you you're designed for a certain purpose. And it's like demoralizing to know that you're designed for a certain purpose and not be able to do what you're designed to do.

It's like being a hammer and not having a nail to hit. You know, it's like you're just like you're sitting there on the shelf collecting dust. And, you know, ladies who are unable to get married and want to get married, they will tell you like their eggs are just drying up, you know, like they don't know what to do.

Like they're losing all their eggs. I mean, but it's sad. I mean, it's sad to think about, you know, I mean, it's the same thing with like men like you, like, like, you know, the natural response to that is to feel useless.

And the Proverbs seems to validate that natural response. The barren womb is never satisfied. I worked a job once where I was delivering appliances and like one of the things they had us do when they were training us was we took appliances from one side of the warehouse to the other.

Okay.

So we took all these appliances and we took them on dollars. We moved them all to the other side. We stacked them and everything else. Then they told us to move them back, you know, and I'll tell you that there's nothing more demoralizing.

Then that, you know, that's the kind of thing that Nazis did, you know, to the Jews. They make them build a wall and then tear it down, you know, like to, to, to know that like there's, you're made to like, when you know you're made to do something and then like, you know, you work and you work for nothing, you know, and you just like your work is just meaningless at that point.

Like that's demoralizing and that's just the natural way that the world works. And so for 90, you know, 99 of the human population, God's designed them to be married and they know it. And that's why they don't want to be single.

You know, now they, they may, you know, like if you can get, like, if you're a guy, you can get all the benefits of marriage apart from the commitment. There's plenty of guy who will take that up, you know, and then there's like a lady who there's like ladies who will, if they can get all the relational security that they think they're getting and have to compromise some of that.

They'll, they'll take that deal too, maybe because they're a little nervous of the commitment also, but like, but people are like, people, everyone wants, like, there's very few people who don't want to be in a relationship of some sort, don't want some sort of perfect 10 marriage.

So, so yes, I mean like the, the overwhelming, like for most people, singleness overwhelmingly is a curse. It is a curse, you know, it is a, a, a side effect of the fall. It is part of what it means to live in a fallen world.

There's a lot of ladies out there who want to get married and there's, and you know, there's not a lot of guys who have grown up enough to handle life and quit the porn and, you know, have a job that can pay for people.

And there's a lot of guys, and there's guys out there, there's a lot of guys out there who are, you know, just love to get married to, to a woman, but all they're looking out there and seeing is a bunch of shallow superficial, you know, brain dead girls too.

So like, it's, it goes both ways, but singleness for most people is a curse for sure. But then, but then I guess, do you want to know if the gift part of it too?

Yeah, I asked if we should view singleness as a gift or a curse and you said yes.

So, yeah, I mean, I think there is a type of person like Paul who wants to evangelize the known world and bring the known world, bring the gospel to the known world. And there is a type of person who wants to devote themselves exclusively to, for lack of better term, just, you know, full time ministry, if you want to put it that way.

But there's a kind of person who wants to devote themselves to the things of the Lord and needs to be freed up to do it. And so Paul says, you know, the married man is divided among, you know, among his concerns.

He has a desire to care for his wife and a desire to, you know, serve the Lord. And so it might be better to be single if you're going to, if you're going to try to devote yourself to the kind of things that Paul has devoted himself to.

And then when you're thinking about what's happening in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul talks about, you know, due to the present distress, it might be better that some of you may not marry because if you do, you're going to have trouble.

And like when you're living in a church that's experiencing intense times of persecution, that may not be the time to get married at that point and start a family. And like it may not be. And, you know, I used to, I've watched like old documentaries of the Holocaust and everything else.

And like when you're in the concentration camp, that's not the time to get married and start a family. Everyone knows that's not the time. When you're in that kind of persecution, that's not the time.

And that's the kind of thing that was happening in 1 Corinthians. But then if you watch those old Holocaust videos, one of the things that happens is that right when the war was over, what did they all do?

They all got married.

They did. They did.

And, you know, these skinny, like emaciated people, you know, look like skeletons. All of a sudden they have a smile on their face and they're getting married. And like it's the first thing they did, you know, when the present distress was over is what they did.

And so, yes, I mean, like singleness can be a gift and a blessing for the type of person who isn't weighed down by, you know, overwhelming sexual desire and who is able to have self-control and who sees himself as a person that is uniquely on a mission.

If you're Paul, you don't want to get married because, I mean, man, you're getting beaten with rods and persecuted and stoned multiple times and shipwrecked. And like why would you want to bring a woman along on that and have to worry about protecting her, you know?

Right.

So there are scenarios where singleness can be a gift to a kind of person with a very unique kind of calling in life. But for the vast majority of people, it's a curse for sure.

Okay.

And no amount of telling them it's a blessing is going to help them or a gift. It doesn't feel like a gift, you know?

The Difference Between a Trial and an Idol

Yeah, for most people. I know, I mean, I myself was that person at one point, you know, when I was young and just basic, you know, desperate to find the person that I wanted to be married to. I had plenty of people who would tell me, you know, hey, this is a wonderful thing that you're getting to experience being single, right?

And it felt anything but that every time. It never felt like what they were saying. Now, I don't know if part of that was because, you know, I don't know that I was necessarily looking for the things, the right things in terms of what would honor God at the time.

You know, I don't necessarily think I was. But then even looking back on it now, I don't know that I would have been very much encouraged by people constantly telling me, hey, this is a gift, really enjoy this being single right now.

Even desiring the things that I do now.

Yeah, I think there's a way to talk about singleness being. I mean, there's a way to talk about these things. And so whatever God gives you providentially is for your good.

Ultimately.

But then God gives you trials and he gives you blessings. OK, now, there's a sense in which trials can be blessings. If, like, your goal is to honor the Lord and be sanctified. Sure.

Right.

And so even a difficult providence can be a blessing to you. So, but then you don't have to mix categories in such a way as to, you know, if God were to kill one of my kids, like if one of my kids were to got run over by a car or something like that.

Like the Bible says, count it all joy when you fall into various trials for the testing of your faith is going to produce steadfastness and let the steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete laughing and nothing.

So if God if one of my kids got ran over by a car, like I should count it all joy. But that doesn't mean I have to pretend it's not a trial.

Right.

Right. Right.

It's a trial. I think God has something redemptive plan for it. And he's going to use that to make me more like him.

No one would say no one would say, hey, this is a gift right now.

Right. Well, yeah.

I mean, it's like it's in one sense. It's a gift in another sense. It's not, you know, it's like. Yes, it's a it's a it's a trial that God's put my life to help purify who I am and make me more like him.

And I can't resist the work he's trying to do in that. But at the same time, it's a trial. It's a trial. That's what it is. And singleness for like, if you're just a normal human being who, like, if you're a woman and you have a monthly cycle of eggs that are being discarded every month, you know that this is a trial.

You know that you that you were made to do something that you're unable to do. If you're a man every day struggling with, you know, unmet sexual desires, you know, you made for something and you're unable to do what God designed you to do.

It's like a car just sitting there, you know. And the driveway not doing anything. It's like it feels like a waste, you know. And so, yes, it's a trial. Like it's a it's a trial. Now, it does God have good plan for it?

Yes.

But it's like we should not pretend it's not a trial. It's obviously a trial. Now, like you can God, God, God has good purposes in that. And like you, you don't have to feel as if like you can honor God as a single person, just like you can honor him as a married person.

But you should be praying in those moments, like for an opportunity to honor him through marriage also.

Right.

Unless like unless you have some unique calling on your life to, you know, spread the gospel to unreached people groups or something like that. The vast majority of people like the vast majority of people.

This is like they know this is a trial and and you don't help them by telling them it's a gift. They just get frustrated with you because it's just like, like, how can this be? Just how could you know, this is not the this is not the way God designed me, the world to be.

Right.

So why would he give me a command and then tell me and then like, why did he gives me a command? And then he's designed me in such a way that I want to do it. And then I don't have an opportunity that shouldn't feel like just an unmitigated blessing or something like that.

So it's definitely complicated for sure.

How to Counsel the Unwillingly Single

Do you think the a lot of times the the advice that or the counsel that is given, I guess, and just in terms of what I've experienced myself and I've had friends experience this as well, the advice that, hey, you know, basically whenever someone is struggling with this idea of being single, a lot of times the first reaction from their peers and certain people that they're coming to for counsel is this reaction of like, hey, you're kind of you're you're kind of make it seems like you're making an idol out of this, out of wanting to, you know, be married.

It seems like you're making an idol out of this. You really just need to be satisfied in the Lord. Do you think there's do you think that that's like a just a totally unfair thing to say? Do you think that there's maybe room to say that, but then it's not the most helpful thing?

Or do you think it's something that really shouldn't be said at all? How should how should someone view that sort of response when you're when you're trying to seek counsel for singleness and dealing with singleness?

Yeah, there's a sense in which there are people who make marriage an idol. But then I think a lot of what's happening in the moment is maybe a little bit different than all that. And so the only way I know how to answer that is to try to think about different types of scenarios.

So I think the standard person who is unwillingly single and experience like what what's what's happening on on the ground is that the standard person who's unwillingly single, they they can't seem to stop wanting to get married.

And then they're being told by people that this desire to have a spouse or the sadness that comes from that unfulfilled desire. They're identifying that sadness in of itself as being a fundamentally a sign of a lack of contentment or something like that.

And then that lack of contentment is then evidence that they have are making marriage an idol essentially. But then the problem is the Bible says the barren womb is never satisfied. And Hannah, you know, she so I'm using that as an example for single singleness as well, because like the idea of the barren womb being never satisfied where you can be barren because you're married and unable to have children or you can be barren barren because you're unable to get married.

Like so in either one of those kind of scenarios like you like the Bible describes that as the barren wombs never satisfied, meaning like, you know, if you're in a state where you're designed to have kids, then that would go with men or women alike.

You like if you're unable to get married and do what you're supposed to do in marriage in order to procreate, like there's a sense in which like you're designed for a particular purpose. Your body is telling you that and you're not able to fulfill it.

And so there's sadness that comes from that. So Hannah, she came before the Lord. She was barren and she had many tears and poured out her heart before the Lord and ask her to change her situation and left encouraged because she brought her matter before the Lord and knew that he would do what he would do with it.

But then the thing is like that sadness in of itself. I think a lot of people, a lot of single people need to hear this. That sadness in of itself isn't a sign of a lack of contentment. That sadness in of itself is not a sign of you're making an idol out of anything.

It's possible to be sad and be totally content and you still want to honor the Lord. And but then what happens is once you identify that sadness as bad, like that's a bad Christian emotion, then you get kind of stuck in this cycle of essentially feeling like you're doing something wrong.