Myths of Marriage: "Honoring your father and mother means always obeying them"

If you're not already facing me if you can turn your chair a little we're gonna have a message here from God's Word Everybody All right, so My name is

Conley. I'm one of the pastors here. I'd like to also introduce you to Tim Mullet I think some of you have already met him before he's been here once before He is a pastor in Alabama, but he has recently moved here to join the leadership of this church

So in about one month, he'll be also be one of the pastors here at this church. So When I say one month,

I mean by the next time that we have this You'll be a pastor here. So yeah get a chance to welcome

Tim and know him if you have an opportunity Let's see, yeah, so Our church here is a is a reformed

Baptist Church. It's in the name Silicon Valley Reformed Baptist Church If you don't have a church already

We'd love to have you join us for worship Maybe you're looking for a church or you don't know where to go

If you're here in this area, and I know some of you travel from pretty far away But if you're here in this area, we'd love it.

If you could come join us We hold the Word of God very highly. We hold Jesus Christ very highly and That's not something that can be said for every church these days.

So We would love it if you could come and join us in that fellowship that's knit around Jesus Christ and not other things

So each each month we go through a different a different myth about marriage so today today's myth about marriage is that You must obey your parents in order to honor them

You always have to obey your parents in order to honor them now You might wonder why does this have to do with marriage?

What what does that have to do with marriage? Well, if you think about it your relationship with your parents has a lot to do with marriage

Your parents have a lot of influence on you as you pursue marriage as you're preparing for marriage and it's the case a lot of times that a parent's vision for someone's life is

Very different than their own vision for the life and that comes at odds and it's not always the case

But it's obvious that you should obey your parents in a particular circumstance Right, so a lot of times this plays out differently for men and women a lot of times for men parents will put financial impositions on them and Require things of them in order that they wouldn't even be able to provide for a family and prepare to provide for a family or sometimes for women

The parents would really push her into a particular career path that would prevent her from Pursuing a family and really investing in a family

So when you're preparing for marriage a lot of times your relationship with your parents and your desire to honor them

It can feel like it's at odds with your desire to hold things highly that God has said that you should hold highly

Now this is also the case for getting married, right? Because many parents will Command marriage to a particular person or that or they will forbid marriage to a particular person

Right and say that you ought not marry That you ought not marry someone they refuse to bless the

Union and so sometimes people wonder well if I have to honor my father and mother Does that mean that I can't marry this person if they say that I can't marry them and then even throughout marriage throughout marriage a lot of times parents will

Not just give advice but really operate in a controlling and manipulative fashion and the lives of their children and Really try to influence their parenting and how they how they are running their family.

And once again That question comes up. Well, what do I need to do? how much do I need to obey the precise things they are saying in order to honor my father and mother and Then this is true even

Even afterward when you are when you have your own family It's important for you to know these things so that you would know

What kind of a father and mother you should be for your children and some of you are fathers and mothers

And so this is important for you, too. So this is not just something that Children need to think about is what does it mean to honor your father and mother?

It's something that adults need to think about too is what does it mean to honor your father and mother? And it's a it's an important topic in Scripture.

There's a lot of curses and blessings that are tied to this Deuteronomy 2716 says cursed be anyone who dishonors his father or his mother and all the people shall say amen

Amen In Matthew But in Matthew it talks also about how those who are

About those who dishonored their father and mother are to be put to death Jesus quoting the Old Testament Speaks of that and then later on in Ephesians It speaks of the blessings.

It says children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right honor your father and mother This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well for you and that you may live long in the land

So the Bible attaches a lot to this attaches weighty curses a weighty blessings

And as you see it mentioned in the New Testament This is not just curses and blessings that only apply to the people of Israel, but there are

Associated curses and blessings that apply to to God's people today to the his

New Testament people the church So not just a command for them. It's a command for us today something that were to take seriously and Growing up as a child in your own home

I'm sure there were many times when you didn't take it seriously there many times. I didn't take it. Seriously I remember one time I was odd at odds with my parents and other people talked to me about this and they said, you know, you really need to be worried about honoring your father and mother here and I pointed out that I had once heard in a sermon that honor in Exodus 20 to honor your father and mother means for something to be heavy and it does you can go look that up You know, the word honor can also be used to mean something heavy and it says so it means for them to To weigh heavily on you and I shared this personal they are weighing very heavily on me right now, right?

So this is a this is a glib response to it. Not the right response This is something that is to be taken very seriously.

It's something that is to in a serious way Weigh heavily on you is how do you how do you honor your father and mother?

Well? As I said honoring your father and mother is not always obeying them and everything the desire and I'm going to give you four reasons

Why that's the case. Okay. So the first reason the first reason is that obedience is

Conditioned on obedience to God obedience parents is conditioned on obedience to God You see that here in Ephesians 6 1 children are bigger parents in the

Lord for this is right This is not something that goes beyond What God has commanded

I think this is obvious for most people that if a parent Commands something sinful that you shouldn't do it, right?

The Bible has said that we shouldn't marry unbelievers right the believers and unbelievers shouldn't be unequally yoked

That marriage is to be in the Lord. And so I think many people realize that you should disobey her parent

Recommends or command something sinful However Sin is not always just those concrete

You know here it is in black and white kind of things. It's more broad than that, too Let's say your parent tells you that you shouldn't marry someone or they refuse to bless a union

But that union, you know from everything that you studied in Scripture from the counsel that you received from godly

People is a good union and your father refuses to bless this union

Is that something where you should where you should in order to honor your father and mother

Care about what they have to say in such a way so that you don't get married because not getting married is not a sin

Right, there's nothing wrong with not getting married but the reality is that given the things that scripture has said given the things that has told you to value and told you to pursue and has said that It would be it would be a sin to refuse to get married and burn in your passions in first Corinthians 7

If that is something that describes you Then it would not really be something that would just be

Immoral right not sinful to pick one or the other rather it is something where There's something where it would be sinful to disobey a parent who is telling you to not value the things of God in this way

And so it can be difficult But we are to discern what truly is obedience to God rather than obedience to man

Secondly authority is also conditioned, right? It's not just it's not just obedience is conditioned on being in the

Lord but authority is is also condition a lot of people have the idea for example that a father has

Complete authority over his daughter until until she's married a lot of people

Just assume that this is the case because it seems to be very traditional. It seems to be biblical and Certainly, it's the case of the father has authority over his household

At the same time you see these verses in first Corinthians 7 It says in the married or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the

Lord how to be holy in body and spirit But the married woman is anxious about worldly things how to please her husband

Okay, so what they? What Paul? Puts at odds there right is being anxious for the things of the

Lord or being anxious for a husband But it's not being anxious for your husband or being anxious for your father

Right, the idea is that an adult woman here has different has a different priority then then

Let me let me say not necessarily priority, right? It's good to have a priority of honoring your father and mother But there is not a complete authority that parents have over adult children in this way

And then later on it also says a wife is bound to her husband as long as she as he lives

But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes only in the Lord So it says there of a widow that she's free to marry whom she wishes

This is not something where a father has authority. So a lot of people have the idea that a parent's authority is

Unconditional it's not limited in any way and this this simply isn't the case. Another thing that often happens is parents make demands around money a lot of times parents will push away all the help that they could receive in this life because of their

Because of their demeanor and the way that they treat other people and then they will expect especially their sons

To provide for them now. It is good certainly to take care of your parents in the old age but a lot of times what happens is not just that but a demand for a particular kind of comfort of life and quality lifestyle such that parents impose on their children especially their sons in such a way that they wouldn't be able to provide for a family because they

Feel this obligation to care for their parents financially once again, this is also

Contrary to what a parent's actual authority is. It says in 2nd Corinthians in 2nd

Corinthians 12 The children are not obligated to save up for their parents but parents for their children

Right, so the parent who who reverses this and makes their child a one who's basically giving them an inheritance making sure that they have a

Good life, etc. The parent has reversed their role and reversed their their authority

So these are not the authority is authority is something that is is Limited and you see that in Genesis 2 24 also when it says for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother right, there's an

There's an implication there that is good for someone and this is true of women as well

Not just a man leaving father and mother but even a woman leaving her father and mother You see that in Psalm 45 in order to in order to pursue marriage to not be so controlled under an absolute plenary authority such that honoring always means obedience to the to the

T All right So the next thing the next reason that it's not always honoring your father and mother to obey them

In in their commands is that honor is objective? Okay Honor is not something that we get to make up and then and then say this is honorable the

Bible defines What is honorable Bible defines what is good if someone told you I would like you to spit on me

That is something that I find honorable You would say no, this is not something that's honorable for me to spit on you.

It's it's gross It's not even just a cultural thing. It's it's pretty clear that you know spit is something nasty

You don't want it on you that's not something honorable, you know something else that's pretty common right now and I I Recognize that some of you might have different thoughts on this and maybe you haven't thought it through but it's really common with Transgender pronouns for people to say that this is how you respect me as you use these particular pronouns.

You say this particular name and And this is respectful. That doesn't make it respectful, right?

Bible says that the God created man male and female in his image The image of God is the foundation of our respect for one another so if you if you

Reverse that by no longer acknowledging their maleness and femaleness the way that they were created in the image of God Are you really honoring them?

Are you really respecting them? That's not the case and so oftentimes What a parent wants from their child if especially if they're not a parent who is who is

Christian who is following the Word of God It's not something that truly honors them you see this in the

Bible on some occasions to for example, Saul wants to kill David because he's jealous of David and Does Jonathan just go along with Saul's plan?

No He subverts it and he helps David right because he understands that this would not even be good for his own father's legacy

To kill David like this rather honoring his father means disobedience. In fact blind

Obedience to father and mother does not honor them. It in fact dishonors them.

That is not something That's not something that you want to That you want to do thinking that this will truly honor them.

In fact, it may it may dishonor them and I'll say that a lot of especially in this age that we live in a lot of I Know there's multiple generations represented here

But a lot of people from previous generations have a fairly low view of family in such a way where they would not encourage pursuing pursuing a family and having children but Proverbs 17 6 says grandchildren are the crown of the aged and the glory of children is their father's

So grandchildren are the crown of the aged Grandchildren are something honorable, you know, if if a father mother says, you know what you really shouldn't have children

It's just gonna be a weight on your life, etc. This is not something good It wouldn't be honoring your father and mother to obey that it would be dishonoring them because you would be denying them the the crown

That scripture says is good Okay, so these are things where? These are things where?

Honoring your father and mother may involve disobeying them Okay, that is that is sometimes the case that honoring your father mother just it means disobeying them next the last reason is that Fathers in the

Bible are something more than just parents Okay this is this may not be something you've thought about before if you read older theologians people who really studied the

Bible a lot of People have concluded that this command to honor your father and mother is not really just about honoring father and mother

It's really about all authority Okay, and so there are different kinds of people who are called fathers in Scripture For example,

David is called the father of Israel now. He's not even He's not even literally the father of Judah or Israel But Matthew it speaks of him as as the father when

Jesus makes his triumphal entry the people talk about David our father So civil authorities it also uses this word to speak of religious authorities

You know Paul is called a father of the Corinthians he's called a father of the Thessalonians because he was instrumental in their conversion and you see in the

Old Testament that students of prophets are called sons of the prophets and Elisha when

Elijah was taken up by the chariot, he goes my father my father right, so this word is used for all kinds of all kinds of authorities and Then of course most importantly it's it's used to speak of God Right.

He is he is our great father and Jesus speaks of Him being when he was in the temple that he was in his father's house

Like he recognizes that more so than his adoptive father. He has a higher father, which he must honor

So when you have this command to honor your father and mother it is not just about your biological father and mother

It's also about your heavenly father and so you must figure out how above all to honor your heavenly father and In so doing honor your biological or your earthly father and mother

Okay, so what? What and let me also add one more thing about a verse that often comes up here, right?

There's a verse where Jesus says call no man father So a lot of people think that that really means, you know

You can't say you shouldn't call you should call a priest father, etc And I think there is something a little weird about calling priests father however

However, he's not really making an absolute command, right? It's not it's not saying you can't call your your own earthly father father

It's something that's to be taken so that you recognize that God is the ultimate father.

Hey, Paul still calls himself father to the Corinthians He's familiar with Jesus teaching He even says that those who are faith are sons of Abraham right

Abraham is our father if we truly believe so So the Bible does not prohibit calling calling other people father, even though that verse sometimes throws people off All right

So what ought you to do in? Order to be prepared to truly honor your father and mother rather than just by blind obedience

The first is to know scripture you really have to know the Word of God in order to know what's honorable if you don't

Then you will just be At the whims of those around you you will be

You'll be led astray Everybody has a different idea of what honor is and what's honorable and if you don't have if you're not grounded in God's Word You will not know what is truly honorable, right?

You will do simply what you think is honorable our time It's really like the time of the judges if you've ever read judges you see that repeated phrase

People did what was right in their own eyes, you know, that's really what it's right now, right like right now

So don't just assume that you know, what's honorable Because it's just kind of intuitive a lot of it is common sense, but we don't have very good common sense, honestly so Yeah Yeah, so make sure that you are grounded in scripture next is surround yourself

Surround yourself with people who are Truly Who are truly wise now,

I would hope that your own parents are wise people I hope you don't hear anything that I'm saying and think this means disregard everything that your parents says

Parents are older than you. They're wiser than you typically And so you should obey what the

Proverbs say here my son your father's instruction and forsake not your mother's teaching But they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck

So if your parents are wise certainly listen to them, but surround yourself with other wise people as well

Put yourself in a church where there are wise people Surround yourself with those who are more mature than you so that you can absorb the things that they say and really think about them

Proverbs 13 20 says whoever walks with the wise becomes wise but the companion of fools will suffer harm

So if you want to be a wise person, you need to surround yourself with wise people. Don't just trust in your own wisdom surround yourself surround yourself with wise people and Ask yourself right now if you're doing that, you know do inventory who are your friends?

Who do you spend time with? Who are the people at your church? You know, what are? How are you spending time with them?

Which people at your church? Are you choosing to spend time with is that the ones that just have a lot in common with you? Where the bond is not so much formed around Christ, but formed around some other shared demographic

You know your age or whatever it is Or are you spending time with those who are who are wiser than you who can who can teach you what is good?

And so the Council of many is very good here if you consider if you are considering Disregarding the things that your parents are are

Really advocating for your life. You should definitely not just decide otherwise on your own

You should you should get advice from others You should even develop a good relationship with your pastor where you can be asking him and specific advice and in getting feedback from him

All right, so taking a step back from all this and considering a big picture The importance of honoring your father and mother all of us

All of us can remember back to our childhood and when we did not honor our father and mother where we Disobeyed direct commands that were not sinful to obey right not like the stuff

I'm talking about here But even even right stuff they command it and we disobeyed and there's a great penalty for this

We read about the curses in Deuteronomy It talked about curse be he who does not honor his father and mother and Jesus talks about how

That one is to be put to death, you know speaking of the Old Testament law it is Even though there's no civil penalty now that would put us to death

There is an eternal death that comes to those who have not honored father and mother Jesus Christ Not only did he perfectly honor his father, but he was also crucified as one who did not honor his father

Right. He was accused of being a blasphemer of God one who did not honor his father

And so in dying on the cross bearing the penalty for the sin of being a blasphemer of God one who did not honor his heavenly father

He is suffering for all of us who have not honored him who all of us who have not Honored our father mother all of us who have trusted in him

Not only are we forgiven our sins, but his righteousness and having perfectly obeyed His father is counted to us and then more than that We are freed in order that we might obey our true father

God first of all apart from that salvation We wouldn't have him as our father secondly

What is it that keeps people from obeying God? It's a fear of man, right? They don't fear God because they fear man

Why do people fear man because man can do something to them man can take their life away He can take their possessions away, right?

But if if those things are not important to us because there's an eternal life an eternal reward

Right an eternal inheritance, but it's been won by the perfect son. Then we are free to obey

To not just honor earthly people We are free to honor our heavenly father not worrying about the fear of man only fearing

God and so Christ has freed us in order that we might honor our greatest father and Then more than that He's given us all the blessings of that reward as well

That we would be able to enjoy with him as forever as I said He's the perfect son who's won the perfect inheritance this whole earth and this is something that we will be coerced in heaven with him enjoying

If we if we are ones who are found in him if we are ones who who trust in him

If you're not someone who is trusted in Jesus Christ before Put your trust in him. All your sins will be washed away all the guilt that would take you to the torment that is awaiting those who who have dishonored father and mother and their heavenly father and He will give you the richness of these blessings the

Bible talks about the reward for obeying father and mother being That they will live long in the land

Now the New Testament talks about the promised land in a way such that it is designed to point us to our eternal dwellings

I think there's 11 says but as it is they desired a better city right a better country

They wanted something more than just the earthly land There is a better land and that is something that can be enjoyed by everyone who is trusted in Jesus Christ To be saved from their sins and to be freed

To honor father and mother as they truly ought. Let me go ahead and pray for us. Yeah, my father

I thank you for your word. Thank you for the guidance It gives I pray that you would help us to honor father and mother and you would help us especially to honor you

I pray that you would give us clarity as we think through these things and you would surround us with With wisdom in order that we might be wise in Jesus name.

Amen. All right. I Don't see

Sarah Sarah here. All right, we're gonna pass out discussion questions in just a minute and You will yeah, well have 10 minutes or so to discuss and then we'll do a

Q &A. Yes Yeah, well, like I said father mother include all kinds of authority relationships

So if you find yourself with the stepfather and stepmother, of course, it really depends on whether or not, you know They're raising you or a stage of life

But yes, we should honor all who are in greater positions including including just people who are older than us or our fathers in the sense

Yeah All right Get those discussion questions

What's that? Okay Excuse me