Changes And Charges

The Gospel Changes Parenting in Perilous Times

So, as we start, let's pray, and then we'll jump into it, okay? Father, we're thankful for the opportunity of looking at your Word, especially in this area of parenting. We pray now, Lord, that you would help us to concentrate.

And, Lord, help us not just to learn more facts, but to take what the Scriptures say and do it, obey you in this area. We know it's a challenge to raise children, and so we ask that you would give us, all of us here, hope and help as we look together at the Scriptures.

In Jesus' name, amen.

All right.

You know what I've noticed over the last few years? Christians are terrified today. They're not sure they want to bring children into a disintegrating culture that's hostile to our faith because they see all the changes in our culture, the push for LGBTQ rights, the acceptance of transgenderism, the intolerance of anyone who holds biblical values.

They see all the technology that's part of our lives now that introduced temptations and what appears to be a wholesale destruction of everything that's familiar and good. And so, a lot of people are losing hope.

And I've talked to folks who have said, you know, I just don't want to bring kids into this culture. I don't want to bring them in. I don't know what they're going to face. And, you know, I don't think we have a reason to despair.

We live in perilous times, but we don't need to lose hope and we don't need to run away in fear. We have the living and active Word of God. We have the Word of God. And the Bible explains people better than anything out there, and the Bible analyzes culture better than anything out there.

It interprets the world around us, and it's more accurate than anything else. Besides that, the Word of God is sufficient. We need to get a handle on that, especially when it comes to parenting. People are running all over the place, trying to find all the ten steps to this and four steps to that and 40 days and your children will be perfect, all this kind of stuff.

We're all running there because we don't have the view that the Word of God is sufficient. The psalmist says in Psalm 19, the law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.

Right?

The apostle writes, all Scripture is God-breathed and is profitable for teaching, convicting, correcting, and training in righteousness so that the man of God can be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

And that includes parenting. So the Bible is more than able to equip you for the job of parenting in the midst of a decaying, destructive culture. Now, in our times together over the next several weeks, we're going to explore what the Scriptures say about parenting.

And if we believe what the Bible says, we're going to find all that we need for that job of parenting. So I want to encourage you in times like this when you have the Bible in the hand and the Holy Spirit indwelling you and Christ on the throne, you are more than adequate for the task of parenting.

The Gospel Clarifies and Empowers the Task of Parenting

Now, by way of personal testimony, this is not theoretical for me. And you all know us. God blessed us with six children. And frankly, I was floundering around when it came to parenting. I had not a clue what I was doing.

I kind of knew what my kids ought to be. I kind of figured out where they needed to go. But that was only because my parents did it. And so I also did imitate my parents and all that sort of thing. Until in 1986, some people came alongside me and taught me what it meant to raise children and taught me what the Bible said about that.

And that revolutionized everything in our family. When I say that, I am not exaggerating. It revolutionized the way I related to my boys, because we only had three boys at the time, three little guys.

It revolutionized the way I interacted with them, what I thought about when I had to discipline them. And so what I want to share with you is not theoretical for me because this is what God used to change a lot of things in our family and a lot of things in our parenting, and gave us hope.

Gave us hope and freedom as we raised our kids. Now, don't get to thinking that this is just five weeks to God-fearing children.

Okay?

What you're going to learn doesn't guarantee God-fearing children, but will equip you to be faithful in the task. And God says, what God requires from us is faithfulness.

Okay?

And over the years as I've counseled parents and talked to parents and interacted with parents, the one thing I want to communicate to them is you just need to be two things. You need to parent in such a way that God will be glorified, and that means you parent in faithfulness.

You just keep at it for the glory of God. And that's how God judges us. Now, let's look at what God says about raising children in Ephesians chapter 4. Ephesians chapter 6, verse 4. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Here is the basic strategy for raising kids. Here is the basic strategy. Now, this verse to me is like a magnifying glass. This isn't the only thing that God says about raising kids.

It's not the only thing.

We've got the whole Bible that tells us about raising our children. In fact, we have one whole book, the book of Proverbs, devoted to the whole issue of raising children. And what I like to think about, this verse is like a magnifying glass that takes all the rays of instruction from the Bible and concentrates it to one point.

This is what I would call the strategic verse in that it gives us the strategy of what to do. The rest of the Bible gives us all the details. But this takes everything and brings it down to a point of light.

You remember what it was like to take your magnifying glass and burn your initials on the bleachers down at the park or burn an ant as it was scurrying across the bleachers. It brings everything down to that one fine point.

This is what this verse to me does that. It brings everything together. It gives us a strategy on how to raise our kids. But the thing we have to remember first of all is that this command from God is built on His work in the Gospel.

So the first thing we need to see is that the Gospel changes the task of parenting. The Gospel changes the task of parenting. How so? Well, for one, the Gospel clarifies the task of parenting through Jesus.

The Old Testament Scriptures tell us a great deal about how to raise children. We have the examples of, for example, Abraham and Jacob. We have the Fifth Commandment in Exodus 20. And then there's Deuteronomy 6, 4 -7 and the Book of Proverbs.

And all of that gains a certain clarity with the coming of Jesus and the good news of the Gospel. Because Jesus in His person and in His teaching fulfills all of the Old Testament. All of it funnels down to Jesus.

They point us to Him and He shows us what they ought to really look like. For example, the Fifth Commandment in Exodus 20 says, Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

All right?

Now, Jesus fulfilled that. Jesus showed us what that really was like. And so when you turn to Luke 2, verses 51 and 52, you read this.

And He, speaking of Jesus,.

And He went down with them, with His parents, and came to Nazareth and was submissive to His parents. And His mother treasured up all these things in her heart. And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man.

Now, here's Jesus being submissive to His parents. You say, okay, I get it. Really, think about this. Jesus is the only perfect child that ever lived.

Right?

And He had sinful parents. And what does it say He did? It said He submitted to them. He submitted to imperfect parents.

All right?

I can remember years and years and years ago, I was counseling a couple and their teenage son, and he was saying, my parents just don't understand me. They just don't understand me. I mean, you know, basically they're knuckleheads.

Why should I do what they say? They're stupid, and they do not understand me. And I remember turning to this passage and saying, I know somebody who had parents who didn't understand Him either.

Right?

You think Jesus' parents understood Him really well? I don't think so. And what did He do? To sinning parents, He submitted to them.

Okay?

So Jesus really brings things into clarity. And also, Jesus comes with grace and truth.

Okay?

Jesus comes with grace and truth. We'll get to that. John 1, 14 -17. Someone want to read that for us? John 1, verses 14 -17.

Right?

Jesus comes with grace and truth. Now, someone might say, wasn't there grace and truth in the Old Testament? Yes, there was. But with Jesus comes grace and truth. Like wave upon wave upon wave. There's so much more now.

There's so much more grace. And there's so much more truth. It's like wave after wave after wave. And so we have grace to empower our parenting. And we have truth to guide us. And so the Gospel then empowers the task of parenting.

Okay?

It doesn't just clarify the task of parenting. It actually empowers the task of parenting.

How so?

Well, it does so by empowering parents by giving them new capabilities and new abilities. In Titus, chapter 3, verses 4 -7. What do we read there about what happens to us? Chapter 3, verse 4. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us richly through Christ Jesus our Savior, so that being justified by His grace, we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

And so, according to His mercy, we're washed and renewed in regeneration by the Holy Spirit. The Gospel delivers us from our captivity to sin, the flesh, the world, and the devil. And so God does that by giving us new hearts through regeneration.

Therefore, with a new heart comes new desires, new abilities, new capabilities. As regenerated parents, we are empowered to do what God calls us to do. Now, you've got something as Christian parents, you've got something that no one else does.

Right?

You've got the ability to carry on a supernatural task.

Okay?

So it empowers them by giving them new capacities and new abilities. You have more capacity. You have capacity to understand the Word of God. You have the ability to apply it. You have the ability to hang in there for the long haul because of the Holy Spirit.

Okay?

The Gospel changes the task, empowers the task of parenting because it gives parents a new identity. They are now agents of the Gospel. Have you ever thought about parenting this way? You're agents of the Gospel.

What does Jesus call us to do? He calls us to make disciples.

Okay?

Now, how do most parents see their role? Many are just facilitators. I exist so my child has the best experience. I exist to make sure that they're in sports and they go to the library and they're exposed to everything they need to be.

Coaches can't stand this because parents think coaches are nothing more than facilitators and letting their children's natural ability flow.

Right?

That's what many parents think. Others are merely survivors. You know, I remember, frankly, some Christian parents saying to me when we had little children, oh yeah, you love them now, but wait until they get to be teenagers.

Right?

Don't ever take counsel from survivors.

Okay?

You know what? They were wrong. But some parents are merely survivors. Some are environmentalists. They think their job is to give their children the best environment, the best environmental influences so their children can bloom.

And so they become nothing more than arranging the environment to help their kids. Many see themselves as educators because we all know that the more you know, the more virtuous you are.

Right? Right?

We're told over and over in our culture, why do we have so many prisons? Because people are ignorant. You've heard the campaign slogan, would you rather spend money on schools or on prison?

Right?

With the attitude of ignorance is what produces sin, or, they wouldn't call it sin, these problems, whereas knowledge produces virtue. Some parents are just plain clueless. They don't know what they're doing.

They have no idea what to do. They just check out. But Christ has given you the role of making disciples. Think about that for a moment. You ought to see your role with your children as disciple makers.

Not just decision producers. Okay, I'm going to work real hard until they make that decision to believe in Jesus.

No.

You're there to make disciples, which means drawing them to Christ, and then teaching the way of Christ. That's a whole different way of looking at parenting, is it not? Making disciples, people who obey the commandments of Jesus.

The gospel gives you the power to be proper parents through your knowledge of Christ. 2 Peter 1, 3 and 4. He's given us knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. All divine power is given you. Divine power is given you for life of godliness through the power that comes through the knowledge of Christ.

So you have the power to be proper parents through the knowledge of Christ. Okay, the gospel not only empowers the task of parenting, but the gospel elevates the task of parenting. What do I mean by that?

The gospel appears, and I want you to notice this, if you look at the New Testament, when the gospel appears, it elevates all the mundane tasks of life. You read, for example, through the epistles, and here's what you see.

You see things like this. Husbands, love your wife like Christ loved the church. It's no longer just being the husband and the provider. You're there now to love a woman like Jesus loves the church. And wives, you're there to submit.

You're not just there to be the cooker and the cleaner and the diaper changer. You're there to show the world what the church is like.

Right?

He talks about our work, right? Work for whom? Work for the Lord. Not for men, not as eye-pleasers, not as pleasing men, but you work for the Lord, right? He takes the mundane task of going to work every day and elevates it to, this is how you serve Christ.

You see?

And you see that all the way through. Children, obey your parents, what? In the Lord. In the Lord. Your obedience to your parents is more than just, okay, I've got to do what my parents say, but it's something you do for the glory of Christ.

So when you look at the New Testament, it's always elevating all the mundane things of life and putting it on another level altogether. And he does that with parenting. Now, it's at a different level.

It's not just, this is what I've got to do for the rest of my life. This is how I serve God. So the Gospel elevates the common human experience of raising children to another level. So what we're going to study here are not successful techniques for raising kids.

It's not about producing children to make our life comfortable. It's not about finding rules or biblical principles for raising kids. This is about parenting as a vehicle to exhibit the glory of God. That's how you need to think of your parenting.

You need to think of your parenting as, this is a vehicle by which I glorify God. I make His glory known. This is about how disciples of Jesus, who obey their King, are going to raise their children. It's not just techniques.

This is not going to be about techniques for raising God-fearing children. This is all about how do I glorify God in raising my kids. It's about the transforming power of Jesus in the crucible of family relationships.

It's about raising our children in such a way that people will stand in awe of God. When I'm counseling folks, you know what I tell them? Okay, let's nail this down. And I've nailed it down many times, but I want this to be a mantra around here.

Matthew 5 .16. Therefore, let your light so shine that men see what? What does it say? What does the text say? So that men, others, see your good works.

And?

Glorify God.

Alright.

So you want to raise your kids in such a way that when your children are walking out the door to lead their lives, or they all get together and you're along God, they're going to say, weren't mom and dad like Jesus?

Weren't they like Jesus? It was like having Jesus in our home. You know what? God's a reality. Look what it did to mom and dad. I often say that to people in counseling. Like in marriage counseling, I'll tell them, you know what, you need to do this for the glory of God.

What do you want your children to be saying when they leave? You want them to look back at your marriage and say, what? Wow, God is great, isn't he? That's what you need to be thinking about in terms of your parenting.

This is about displaying the glory of God in a way that other people can't. Because they don't have the power of the gospel. So with all that the gospel does in giving you understanding and power, you don't need to be terrified at the prospect of parenting.

You don't need to be terrified at the prospect. Now, the gospel also doesn't just change parenting, the gospel charges the parents. And in this verse, God charges fathers with the responsibility of raising the children.

In Ephesians 6 .4, who is addressed? Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Now, why is that? Colossians 3 .21 also talks about fathers raising the children. Now, why does the Bible do that? I think one reason is that men tend to neglect children.

Men tend to neglect children. Children are, you know, they're kind of a nuisance. I go to work every day, and then I come home.

Right?

Even in our culture, which would puke at this statement, it's still in people's psyche, and that is raising kids is a woman's job. Right? Raising kids is a woman's job. Even women who work complain about the fact they've got to come home and deal with the kids.

Fathers, men, tend to neglect children. I don't know why. Too many men think they have the right, when they come home from work, to just kick up their feet and be lazy now. Don't bother me with the kids.

By the way, it doesn't make any difference to them. Their wife has been dealing with them all day long. I guess she doesn't need a break. I guess she doesn't need any help. But men do tend to neglect children.

Women seem to be tuned in to children. Dads, we need to tune in to kids. You know what fascinates me? What fascinates me is those stories about children and Jesus. Does it ever occur to you, ever occur to you, that children were attracted to Jesus?

They liked being around Him? Does it ever strike you that way? Think about that. And you know what we do? We take a lot of people involved in children's ministry, and we just kind of say, yeah, they're involved in children's ministry.

I'll tell you what. I will take adults any day over kids. Because with kids, you've got to work at it.

Right?

I work at it for you guys, don't get me wrong. But not nearly as hard as when I had, that one year I had VBS, I think I had the five and six-year-olds. That's why men neglect children. It's hard work.

All right?

It also fits in with the biblical teaching on male leadership in the home. God makes, you know, God doesn't make any bones about it, neither should we. God has put the men in charge, husbands in charge, fathers in charge, in the family.

Now, moms are certainly involved. When you look at Ephesians 6, 1 through 3, what does it say? What does Ephesians 6, 1 through 3 say? The verse is just above this one. Children, what? Come on, you guys.

Oh, good. That wasn't a trick question, was it? Children, obey your parents. It doesn't say just obey your dad. It says obey your parents. And frankly, women do spend most of the time with the kids.

All right?

So it's not saying they're not important. In fact, it's more than important. They're absolutely necessary. But the point is that, dad, you are ultimately responsible for the way things go in your family.

Dads, do you know who your kids' friends are? Do you know your kids' friends? Do you know your kids' grades? Do you know your kids' teacher? Who signs the report card, you or mom? Do you know anything about your kids and what's going on in their lives?

All right?

That's really important. That's important for us, dads. We're the ones. And you know what? Ultimately, we're the ones who have to set the standard and have to lead the program, okay? Is this turned on in the nursery?

It is?

She's in the back?

Okay.

So I come home. The children are in tears. We've moved out to the country in this beautiful place, two acres out in the country. And the children are in tears, and I'm investigating what's going on. So it's my wife who has just had it up to here with the children, and she's told them, if you guys don't get with the program, we're just going to move back to town.

Everybody's in tears.

All right? All right.

Now, you know what? So I had to say, Honey, we need to talk. Okay, listen. Listen, don't ever say that again because it's not going to happen. We won't do that. You know it. So let's not do that anymore.

But I also had to say this. She rightfully says, So what am I supposed to do when the kids do XYZ?

All right?

What am I supposed to do? It's up to me. It's up to me. I don't just throw her to the wolves. They're not always wolves. You don't just throw them to the wolves and hope they do well and come home and kiss her and hug her and, you know, expect her to be in the mood, whatever.

Right?

You've got to set the program. Men, us dads, are responsible for setting the program. We're the ones who say, When the children do this, you do this. Here's what we need to do. Here's what we need to do with this one.

Here's what we need to do with that one. That's up to us. We're the ones ultimately responsible. And so we're the ones who have to, what's the word I want? Have to organize it.

Okay?

Now, it also tells us that God gives parents authority over their children. God gives parents authority over their children. Now, in this crowd, that's probably not big news. But we live in a world. We live in a world that's always trying to conform us to its way of thinking.

And the world is always telling us, you know, authority is not that big of a deal. And if you do exercise authority, it's not the kind that has any teeth in it.

Right?

Right?

You exist as a facilitator. I mean, even bosses in the world today are getting like this. But God gives parents authority. That means you act on behalf of God. You act on behalf of God.

Okay?

You're God's representative. You exercise authority. If you've been given authority, then you exercise authority.

All right?

It also means that you have delegated authority. You do not have ultimate authority. You have delegated authority. You exercise God's authority, not your own. Because God has called you to exercise it because God gave it to you.

It isn't that you just get it or you have it because you're the biggest and the fastest and the strongest. You don't exercise authority over your jurisdiction. You don't try to shape the lives of your children in ways that please you.

You do it in ways that please God. You discipline not because the children have disobeyed you. You discipline because they have rebelled against God. In disobeying you, they've rebelled against God. And so you have to exercise that delegated authority.

That means that your discipline is an act of obedience. You engage your sons and daughters because God has called you to do it and you must obey. Now, you know, again, the world is going to choke on this.

But this is what we have to be thinking. So, child disobeys, right? Now, in our home, the practice was we discipline in private. We don't discipline in front of everybody. And so the bathroom was the place where we took them.

So we'd go to the bathroom and I'd say, You didn't obey Dad, did you?

No.

You remember what God says that I need to do because you disobey?

Spank me?

That's right. I have to do that. If I don't, then I would be disobeying God. And you and I would both be wrong. And that wouldn't be good for you or for me, would it? Of course, they're going to reluctantly say no.

Although I don't know if they believe it in their heart. But at least you're communicating something. You're communicating that you're not spanking because you're mean. You're not trying to force him into submission because you hate insolence or lying.

You, like him, are under authority and God has called you to the task of correction. And you correct him because you have to obey God as well. And that's what your thinking has to be. All right? And we'll get into this later.

It's never about, you know, you made my life miserable. Now I'm going to make yours miserable.

Right?

Which is the way a lot of parents operate. It's not about that. It's about you disobeyed God. And so we have to deal with that. This means, then, that you are in charge. Now, again, does that seem weird to you?

So many parents don't get this. It's not so much that you have the right to the authority, but that you have the responsibility to use that authority in the way that God intends you to use it. Many parents just don't see that.

All right?

And look, you know, I'm not in your homes. I don't know how you do things. But you're in charge. But too often, and again, in this audience, no one's going to argue that. But then think about how the world impinges on us and conforms our thinking.

So here's what happens too often. Here's your oatmeal, honey. Mom, I don't want oatmeal. I hate oatmeal. It's so mushy. Well, what do you want? I could make pancakes or eggs.

Right?

Who's in charge here?

Right?

Well, that may seem, oh, come on, Pastor, just why are you making a mountain out of a molehill? What does a child learn from that exchange? He learns that he's a valid decision maker, and the parent only suggests the options.

All right?

So what happens? You do that long enough, and pretty soon you have a kid out of control.

Right?

He makes his own choices on food and clothes and everything else. Then it gets to be bigger choices.

Right?

Parents are the ones in authority, including what children eat for breakfast. So it becomes, honey, this is breakfast. And you're going to eat it.

Okay?

This is what your mom has made for you. Of course, when dad makes waffles, it's no big deal.

All right?

But that's what you've got to do. If you persist in such an advisory role, what do you think is going to happen?

Right?

Look, you say, but that's such a little thing. You're right. But the little things, you keep moving along, it becomes how you operate, and pretty soon you're talking about, you know, that girl is what the Proverbs is talking about.

Stay away from that girl.

Right?

Well, that's just advice. The little things lead to bigger things. So you're not an advisor. You are in charge. Now, look, I grew up in the 60s and the 70s. I was a teenager in the 60s and the 70s when the revolution was going on.

By the way, what we're seeing today is nothing more than the fruits of the revolution that happened in the 60s, what they called the moral revolution. We're just seeing the fruits of that. But when I was growing up, this is what we were told, right?

Here was a saying.

You ready?

Don't trust anyone over 30. That was a mantra. Don't trust anyone over 30. Don't do what the man said. It was all anti-authority. And so that people of my generation and now the generation below us have been taught authority is not a good thing.

Authority is something that... And so we feel guilty about it, and we don't exercise it.

Right?

Totally contrary to the Word of God. But we have been formed into the thinking of the world around us. And parents, you need to be in authority. And you don't need to be apologetic for that. God has put you in authority.

Now, it's not absolute authority. It's delegated. But it is authority nonetheless. And you need to exercise authority.

Okay?

It's very important to see. It's real important to see. If you don't do that, you will have failed to equip your children for life.

All right?

That means as well that you will find no place for anger. That is, for sinful anger.

All right?

Look at James 1, 19 and 20. Here's what the Word of God says. Know this, my beloved brothers, so that every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Okay?

Keep that in mind. Do you think, dads, do you think we need to be quick to hear?

Right?

Yeah, we do.

We do.

You display your anger when you've been inconvenient. Do you think that by scaring them, they'll fear you enough to obey? And so discipline becomes the time when mom and dad manipulate their children with raw displays of anger.

Well, you know what they learn from that? They learn the fear of man but not the fear of God. God calls you to correct and discipline because God mandates it.

Okay?

Correction is not showing your anger for their offenses. It's reminding them that their sinful behavior offends God. It brings his censure of sin and them as subjects of his realm. Now, listen. Don't hear what I'm not saying.

We need to be angry when God is dishonored. The point of what James 1, 19 through 20 is saying is don't think that just showing this big wrathful anger, right? Don't think that that's what's going to work the righteousness of God.

It does not. It does not work the righteousness of God.

Okay?