Typical Problems: General Principles of Communication Part 2

Okay, all right, sounds good. All right, we're going to be continuing the four rules of communication from Ephesians 4

And then we're going to talk about four more rules And then we're going to talk about a way to apply those things so we have a lot of ground to cover today, and I'm going to see how far we can get in our

Objective here, but if you do have a Bible turn to Ephesians 4 and we're going to read

Ephesians 4 25 through 32 and And then we'll get started Ephesians 5 or 4 25

Therefore having put away falsehood let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor for we are members of one another

Be angry and do not sin Do not let the Sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil

Let the thief no longer steal But rather let him labor doing honest work with his own hands So that he may have something to share with anyone in need to let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths

But only such as good for building up as it fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear

Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice

Be kind to one another Tender -hearted forgiving one another as God and Christ forgave you

So last week we began talking about four rules of communication in this passage we talked about speaking the truth

Does anyone remember anything we said as it related to that? I'm gonna quiz you or any thoughts any thoughts about anything we talked about last week.

So we talked about speaking the truth. Okay. Yeah Right Sure, so like a falsehood right a falsehood, right?

Yeah So we talked about different things that go into speaking the truth

So speaking the truth there are different genres of communication that's part of what we talked about so last week we basically said that generalizations are

True statements about the way the world generally works and that's a genre of communication. It's not

It's not a lie like you live in a society that thinks that you disprove

Generalizations by pointing to extreme counter examples, right? So Like just like to speak the truth is not to reject the ability to generalize if I say a statement that's true 95 % of the time that's useful, right?

That's useful. It helps us understand the way the world generally works When you're in a situation in the moment, you don't really have the luxury to You don't have the luxury to think in terms of rare Exceptions most of the time like there's time constraints and so trying to think about the way the world generally works like it's unsafe to walk

Out at night in certain areas. That would be a generalization. It may be perfectly safe one time, right?

You may have walked one time and nothing happened to you, but generally speaking Statistics are not in your favor, right?

So we talked about generalizations talked about half truths Yeah, like is it ever okay to lie

We said no It's never okay to lie, but then there are forms of deception in the

Bible and that may not be the best word But I think you understand what we're talking about. There are forms of except deception that are used in general.

So not all Not all forms of deception are necessarily wrong But any other thoughts related to speaking the truth in general, right?

So not everyone deserves To know every true thing, right? if I were to Walk up to you and demand your social security number and your bank account information and You would say well, you don't have a right to that Right.

I mean, is it true? Yeah, but just because you want the information doesn't mean you deserve it, right? it doesn't mean you have a right to it and doesn't mean that I have

You have a responsibility to answer everything that someone says particularly if there's an evil person who's going to use the truth to do evil things

They don't necessarily need access to the truth There may be situations where you know you're going to go into a situation with an evil person who's going to use the truth to do evil just like We talked about Samuel and Saul You know that they're going to use the truth.

They're going to demand like You give them information it may be helpful to go into those situations knowing that making

Making allowance for that so that you can answer truthfully while at the same time not giving them the information that they're

They're demanding that they're going to do something evil with that would be an example that we talked about last week but yeah, if you have any thoughts on that go ahead and feel free to raise your hand and we'll

Interact with them, but that's just a brief refresher Second part here is keep current. So be be angry.

This is Ephesians 4 26 Be angry and do not sin.

Do not let the Sun go down on your anger and Give no opportunity to the devil

So there's a lot there's a lot of discussion about this one Much ink has been spilled trying to figure out what is being communicated here.

So is this a Command to be angry, right? So is this a command to be angry?

Should you translate it in more of a passive sense of in your anger do not sin

So many interpreters have proposed that so you look at that and they've entered they've proposed that It should better be interpreted better be translated in your anger

Don't give in to further sin or something like that, right? Is there ever a time for righteous anger that's that is a

Part of this discussion that we should think about then we should talk about like what place does anger serve in the

Christian life in general and then The principle we're going to be talking about is principle of keeping current but you know, you obviously have to understand what place anger has and all this in general, so Good way to think about anger.

I mean, I I think I've been taught particularly in the biblical counseling world that Almost all anger is probably sinful and I generally think that that's probably right

Okay, so I mean I think most of the time when we're angry it is fairly self -focused

Okay, so it's fairly self -focused. It's Not directed towards the proper ends

So, I think it's true that most of our anger is probably not righteous

But at the same time I don't I think that there is that there are certainly times and places

Where we should be angry and in fact, there's times in places where we probably should be more angry than what we are

Okay, so it's it's not for example. It's not a virtue to tolerate false teaching in a church and Definitely and have no emotional whole person

Reaction to that at all, right? I think a lot of the like a major failing of the church today is that we're not angry enough about The right things and we're mostly we were like way too angry about the wrong things.

Okay, so It's a simple way to think about what anger is anger is a whole

Person moral response to perceived evil. That's a definition that you can get you somewhere in the right vicinity of What we're even talking about so a whole person moral response to perceived evil

James gives us a lot of insight about the nature of Anger and the difference between like what you might describe as a righteous form of anger and an unrighteous form of anger

So if you think about what's happening in James 4 James says what causes war quarrels and fights among you

Is it not that your desires for pleasure which wage war against your members, right? So I Often, you know you look at the

Bible and you say hey, I Wish you would address topics very specifically a little bit more than what it does

And that's not that no none of us should be obviously discontent with the way that God has chosen to reveal himself

But then sometimes it can be a little bit hard to find the answers, but that would be a passage where James really does speak very directly about a very common problem

So what causes quarrels and fights among us? Is it not your desires for pleasures which were wage waging war in your members?

He says you do not have because you do not ask you ask and you don't receive because you ask for only to spend it On your passions like the issue is that when you're angry you should always think

What do I want in this moment that I'm not getting that should be your question so if you're having a fight, you should be thinking what do

I want that I'm not getting and Typically if you want to distinguish simple anger versus righteous anger

The want is normally very self -focused, right? So it's a very self -focused one.

So righteous anger says God's kingdom come his will be done on earth as is in heaven Sinful anger says my kingdom come my will be done on earth as isn't our on heaven as it is on earth, right?

So like the issue is that when you're angry you have a you have these desires that are fighting, right?

So everyone in your heart hearts just a word that means the inner man in your heart You have a battleground of desires and the strongest desire is going to win.

So You know most people they assume that Their motives are all great and pure and wonderful and everything else.

But like the issue is you have competing Desires in your heart. So the old man is wrestling against the new man and whatever strong is going to come out

And so most of the time when we're angry, it's more about your kingdom Being violated, right?

It's more about you like you have a demand. I want what I want when I want it I want you to treat me a certain way and this comes out when you're fighting with people, right?

I don't deserve to be treated that way How dare do you talk to me like that? I Don't feel like you appreciate me, right?

That you know and then you do it in the victim language to see so we'll say like that really hurt my feelings and I can't believe that You didn't remember this or that or whatever else right so we we have a lot of different ways of expressing

I Have a desire That you have violated and Now I'm going to punish you right and so we punish people in different ways

We'll either punish them in a loud angry way or in a quiet I'm gonna withhold affection kind of way.

So there's What you might describe as loud anger and then there's quiet anger, right?

so there's Like I'm gonna scream and yell and holler at you because I don't deserve this kind of anger and then there's like don't touch me

I'm not gonna talk to you I'm just gonna sit here and look like I'm mad at you and then I'm probably gonna pretend like I'm not when you point it out, right

Pretend like nothing's wrong. And so I'm sure that many of us have had plenty of those kind of conversations, too

So the issue is that there is a type of anger That's righteous. I think most often because we're sinners our anger probably isn't righteous.

It probably isn't Motivated in the right kind of way But then our motivations are pretty complicated, right?

So when you think about a lot of the things in which you're like, just just try to think about like during the week things that you got angry about and then one of the things you might realize is that because we're not just simple human beings with You know a singular motive in every one of those things.

There might have been a mixture of priorities some of which were Priorities that honor the

Lord, right and then there's probably a lot of priorities and Motivations in the midst of that that didn't honor the

Lord and as I think about most of the situations I've been in my life There's a good mixture and it's often pretty difficult to know which is more motivating me right a desire for God's glory and The sanctification of other people or just like selfish sinful

I'm sick of it. I'm done with it I don't want to deal with it anymore I'm tired of this.

I don't deserve this you hurt me, you know all that kind of selfish entitlement Kind of things never say that in most situations when you're having an argument or most situations when you're having a fight

It's probably a good mixture of both and it may it may not even be entirely clear

What your motives are? So, you know, this is something that Paul says about himself routinely

I'm thinking in particular of his communication with the Corinthians you have these super apostles who are looking at him and basically saying that Like they're casting

Aspersions on his motives or whatever and he essentially responds to them by saying hey, I know nothing

Like I have the testimony of a clean conscience. That's what I have I can look at you I say I have a testimony of a clean conscience, but in this

I'm not justified, right? Because I'm like Like I don't have all the information.

I'm biased in my own respect And so I'm gonna leave it to God who's judges the secrets of men's hearts according to my gospel so one day

God's gonna step in and like when we see him all of our motives are going to be revealed with perfect clarity and Whatever, you know good percentages and bad percentages, but the issue is just to say that we're complicated

It's it's often not that in any encounter. It's like this is a hundred percent righteous

Or this is a hundred percent sinful anger But I mean, you know It may be pretty clear that this is maybe eighty percent sinful anger and twenty percent righteous anger

The kind of thing or you know, it may be it may be the opposite way is eighty percent Righteous anger with a little bit of sinful anger in there.

And so we ought to whenever we are angry do some basic Self -reflection and ask what what do

I want right now that I'm not getting that's a good question. You can ask So when you're mad what I want when

I'm not getting if the answer is something self -focused and self -centered If that's the first thing

That comes out then that's probably an indication that you could ask forgiveness in that moment if that makes sense

Any thoughts about any of that? Talk about anger a little bit.

We're gonna talk about the overarching premise of all of keeping current, but any thoughts questions related to that? Yeah, so I think a major failing of the church is that we're probably not angry enough about false teaching

Jesus has some pretty strong words to say about false teaching in the Bible He doesn't seem to tolerate tolerate it.

He definitely doesn't tolerate it indefinitely You can look at his letters to the seven churches in Revelation.

You'll see that he's not tolerating it indefinitely He in almost every one of the letters.

I mean, there's seven letters seven churches I think there's two that don't have any condemnation But five of them have condemnations and he basically says be zealous and repent or I'm gonna come at you with the sword in my mouth

Right, and so he used some pretty strong language some strong rebukes There's there's certainly part of the

Christian life that where you need to rebuke sin. Yes Yeah, sure, so I think there's some simple

As you look you read through the New Testament, you know One of the things you'll see is that I think Connolly might express this a little bit different than me so I'll let you

I'll let you fuss at me later if I don't do that, but I Think there's some pretty clear passages that help you make those distinctions

So we theologians often talk about these things in terms of the language of primary issues secondary issues and tertiary issues

Primary issues are issues that center around the gospel in general. So Paul will say to the

Galatians that you know if Me or an angel from heaven were to bring a gospel different to the one that I've taught right?

Let that person be anathema when you're messing around with when you're messing around with I just did a southern ism

When you're messing around with the gospel There's some pretty strong words that people are

Given in the Bible, right? So that gives you an indication you're in primary issue kind of territory meaning like this is you're dealing with a false teacher

Right in that way So, I mean there's false teaching and false teach false teaching and that's kind of what you're asking about So anytime

I say something wrong in one sense, that's false And it's teaching so is it but it's not false teaching in the sense of I'm a heretic, right?

So primary issues of that Secondary issues are issues that are generally pretty close Like they have a few connection points to the central matters of the faith but they may not be issues to Completely cast someone into like a fire over essentially, right?

Now when I say that a major error that people have is they think secondary means not important But that's not true

Okay Secondary issues are very important They're very important, but you may not consign someone to like a fire over a difference of that opinion

I mean, I wouldn't want to say that all Presbyterians are lost Right, so I would say that I think that like baptism would be a secondary issue

So I wouldn't want to say that they're damned to hell, but I think it's a very important issue and it's hard to imagine

Fellowship in a local church with that as a major point of disagreement, you know, you may like if you're as a

Baptist you may be at a certain part certain area where there's no Baptist churches and you

May attend a Presbyterian Church because they're the best you got, right? I mean at the same time you'd ask them to make certain exceptions and allowances for you and see if they would you know

But that I'm just you know, I wouldn't consider all Presbyterians lost, you know in that way

Just because we have a disagreement over baptism, but that'd be a primary issue a secondary issue tertiary is way

That again, it doesn't mean unimportant right and people was really frustrating about tertiary issues is that People think if you put it in a tertiary

Put the label tertiary on it Then that means you're not free to even discuss it right like off -limits and if you talk about it, you're being divisive, right?

And it's like well, no There's things that are central to the gospel There are things that are closely tied to it, but not you know it and then there are things that are further out, right?

That are more debatable, but I think we should talk about those things, too We're just talking about them in a different way many you had a question.

I don't know that Yeah, I mean, I don't know that Every Presbyterian Church would deny

Access to that but yeah Yeah, we're the ones who won't accept them

In general, but yeah, I think that's a priority I'm just I'm just saying that if I could because there's plenty of situations where I've Know a

Baptist who have tried to go to a Presbyterian Church because their Baptist options are pretty horrendous, you know, so they're just doing the best they can at that point that so Yeah Paul You look at it almost matters how something is affirmed more than it matters

What is being affirmed right so you look at Paul with the resurrection and in first Corinthians 15?

He's like really, you know gracious and patient right there misunderstandings and other times. It's like cut them off.

They're getting green right, so there's like so there's It has to do with how close it is to the gospel but then the way that someone means what they're saying also implies

Even with secondary stuff I get pretty angry and I think this is right If it's something that's being imported from the world

I'm sensing Motivations of compromise like last week in the sermon.

We were talking you give some quote from some complementarian authors who are Acknowledging differences between men and women roles, but then undermining foundations in a way that's really trying to placate people

And that's something where like on one hand I'd say, oh man, these guys are so close to us It's very secondary, but I hear that I'm like Yeah Yeah, we're the

I guess we're the battle regis hot the soldiers metal is tested or whatever kind of thing so yeah,

I I think the that's part of what I'm trying to say with How people naturally understand that language they understand secondary and they think unimportant and then they understand tertiary and they think off -limits

And so I think whatever you call the categories there is some category of You're a heretic if you deny

X right and then there's some I mean there are categories of things where I don't think you're formally a heretic if You have a difference of opinion

I still think you're wrong, you know So a lot of people will treat secondary issues as if you can't be confident on them

You can't be you can't contend earnestly for them and that's kind of what you're talking about and then tertiary

You can't even talk about you know, they can't even talk about because it's so not important. It's like well, no, I think Those are useful categories in some way but you need to understand that all those things are not off -limits for discussion and then they could show up in pretty significant ways and Part of yeah, that's part of what you're saying.

Can I agree? Yep So keep current so be angry do not sin I think that's like yeah, there are times where you're righteous

Righteously angry and you don't want but that because we're sinful human beings that could quickly lead us even righteous anger can quickly lead us into a

Lot of different sins, so there may be times to be righteously angry angry But then don't let that lead you into sin.

Don't let the Sun go down your anger give no opportunity to the devil So keep current This means like deal with today's problems today

Don't let the Sun go down on your anger. I don't know that this is intending to communicate an exceptionless absolute in other words

It's 130 in the morning and you and your wife haven't resolved it yet And you're gonna talk it through, you know for the next five hours in a sleep -deprived state

Until you get to the other side of it and everything else, I don't know that that's what it's saying

But I mean, I think that there are Ways to reconcile quickly, even if there's more to be set, right?

So there's ways to just quickly say hey It's one o 'clock We need to sleep

I'm gonna think about this. I'm gonna pray about this And I'd like to talk about it again and see if we can gain more clarity about it but love you care about you and Be praying for me let's go ahead and just pray real quick and ask

God to soften our hearts towards all the areas that we might be contributing to the conflict that we're having and Let's go to bed and deal with it

See if we can gain more clarity tomorrow and give it a little bit of time So I think that would be a faithful mechanism of dealing with something that's you're not finding a resolution

But I mean most and most of us are probably not Dealing with it at all.

Okay. I mean it's very common I mean, it's very very common particularly in Christian circles for to have a fight and then

One spouse will just go and sleep in the other room Because they don't want to deal with it

I Mean it's very common. I Mean for guys,

I mean, unfortunately, it's very common for guys to joke around about well I guess I'm gonna be sleeping on the couch tonight to which

I'd say What is wrong with you? If your wife wants to go to bed unreconciled She's gonna sleep on the couch.

Not you right? Like what are you doing? Like meaning I don't think she should be safe.

No one should be sleeping on the couch You should go to bed reconciled but just like passively accepting that like you're gonna

Like a whip dog gonna go sleep in the corner or something because your wife is mad at you I mean you've been totally emasculated to that point and if that's what you're doing you need to stop but The idea is like we need to deal with today's problems today.

It says be angry. Do not sin Do not let the Sun go down your anger Give no opportunity to the devil both people in a relationship need to have a commitment to say hey we're gonna deal with it today, and I mean this is one of the most life -giving things that you can do and Whatever relationship that you find yourself in like you're living in a time right now where people are so passive and so cowardly

To the point where If there's conflict to be have we basically just kind of run from it

Because it'd be awkward to deal with it. I Mean I can't tell you how many times I've I've heard church members like just respond like that like There's some kind of tension there, and they don't want to deal with it because that would be awkward

So they're just like they just ignore it And then all that's happening is they're letting a wall build up between this person and himself right and then every time they see him

They're trying to pretend like there's not an elephant in the room, and there is an elephant in the room And they're just not dealing with it

Like we need it we need to as a church just learn basic conflict resolution skills

And if you start I mean if you start out your marriage if you're talking about marriage you start out your marriage learning basic conflict resolution skills

You're not just letting things pile up right yeah I mean you can imagine like if you were to just take plates full of food from dinner and put them on a

On your counter and just every time you eat have a half -eating bowl of food You're putting on the counter pretty soon your house is gonna stink right and that's that's what happens when you don't deal with your problems

So when you just let them build up like that it stinks Everyone knows it's there.

No one wants to deal with it. No one wants to have a simple conversation And it just gets like the smell gets worse and worse and worse and no one wants to be around each other anymore

And then you know if you're married when the kids get out of the house, then you're like hey, yeah

I don't even know you anymore, right? We've let so many things go on for so long and along.

I have so much bitterness and anger Built up towards you that I don't like you anymore right, and I don't know what we're doing so you have something okay?

That's fine Keep current though. I mean in general Deal with today's problems today I mean this is like a really life -giving thing that you can do for any relationship

That you're in is not just sit on it. Just deal with it deal with it quickly, but any thoughts or questions about that Yes, yes, sir

What's that? Yeah, the text says don't let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil

So in general I think to deal with today's problems today If it possible as much as lies within you live at peace with all people deal with today's problems today the

Bible is so committed to the principle of reconciliation that it says like I mean God says if You go to give your gift at the altar, and you know your brother has something against you

You'd leave your gift or and you first go and be reconciled with your brother So there's a blessed of the peacemakers right the

Bible doesn't say just sit on things ignore them pretend like they're not happening and Hope that they'll go away

It's deal with them today. I deal with today's problems today. Yes, sir Outside of what brothers and sisters

Bitterness from the couple against people on the outside so are you are you saying like Okay, if it's a scenario me and Elizabeth don't have conflict with each other

But then we have conflict with another couple or something One of us has yeah, so Paul I mean in the past I'm talking about like if you know your brother has something against you

It's not talking about if you know your wife has something against you. It's just talking about a Christian brother or sister So I think as a church body we

We do what we do in home in our like on our marriages our primary relationships. We do that with our church body

So to the extent to which you're not practicing quick Quick Reconciliation at home what happens is you don't do that at church either

So the church is just a reflection of what's happening in the homes essentially So when you see a person like in the church who it here's what happens in churches what happens in churches is someone gets upset about something and And they don't want to talk about it because they have no practice or experience talking about anything at all so If they finally get the courage to talk to you about it what then they do it with what generally they do at that point

Is they just kind of unload on you? all the list of wrongdoings that they have

Piled up over the course of so they have a record of wrongdoings. They piled up. They finally talked to you about it

They unload upon you and it's like you need a with the expectation that you do whatever they say at that point, right?

And then if you try to talk to them about it, they they don't have want to have maybe some of this is misunderstandings

Can we put this in a different way at that point? They just leave right? And so that's generally how churches work

Like because they haven't practiced at home Learning to deal with small things, you know, so they just they practice at home.

You just kind of ignore things And then you have a big blow -up moment get it all off your chest and then you move on does that make sense so if Basically if we're doing this in our homes, then it would be a very normal natural thing to do this in the church.

Yep Sure, yeah, this is an imperative

I think to deal with it quickly Yeah, I mean you may not be able to resolve everything you may not be able to resolve everything

That there is to resolve So when you have like a bunch of problems that are entrenched in a certain situation that haven't really been dealt with this they should

Then yeah, you may not be able to resolve it all in one sitting, but you can say hey, I Love you.

I care about you. I want to deal with this and But you can

You can gain kind of a posture of unity with the person even if you haven't sorted it all out yet so I think there is a like there is a an imperative that Christians have to Deal with this quickly and even quicker than what we think and like make time for it to deal with it

Don't just let it go on and on because the longer it goes on and on it you're gonna give an opportunity to the devil it says and you know, we

Do that pretty much so yeah, I think there might there might I don't think it's an exception less absolute as I was saying

I think there might be situations where it's one o 'clock in the morning and you know But I think as much as it's possible just say hey,

I Mean, I've had people text me and say hey, man. I love you. I care about you I know that we need to deal with some issues we have

And I'm open and ready to do that But I'm not like against you or something. I'm not against you

We just we need to talk about it when when's a good time to talk about it, and that's just not Letting the

Sun go down your anger. It's just communicating a willingness to deal with something You may not completely fix it all well,

I think that to the extent to which we can do that we should Any other thoughts related that?

keep current I Supposed to go to 1030, right?

Okay, and if I Principle number three so speak the truth keep current edify.

It says let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth That's only only such as good for building up as fits the occasion

That it may give grace to those who hear and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the

Day of Redemption edify, so let no corrupting Talk come out of your mouth so Edification is a concept that Probably is misunderstood

Meaning like when you when you read this that no corrupting talk come out of your mouth only such as good for building up as It fits the occasion that may give grace to those you hear you probably think

That there's just a one -size -fits -all standard of communication that you should employ in every situation

You should be nice like we're living in a society right now that It's kind of a sycophantic society like we demand that everyone praise us incessantly

Like so we're a very thin -skinned society in a lot of ways and the church to like we're very thin -skinned

We're addicted to flattery as a society I Mean just you look at the way that people talk and they demand that you praise them, right?

Praise them flatter them tell them what they want to hear When most people come to counseling they're coming to counseling wanting to be told that They want you to like stroke stroke their ego

They want you to basically agree with everything that they say in their interpretation of the situation so they want you to listen to them and Then they want you to affirm right they want to affirm them and validate them.

I mean so many of the like Problems you see in the world right now or you have people who they just want to be affirmed

They want to be validated. They want to be praised They want to be told that they're special and unique and wonderful, right? And the problem is it like if everyone's special then

Special is meaningless, right? But that's what we want we want to be validated we want to be praised we want to be affirmed

We want to be agreed with we want to be flattered, right? We want people to tell us wonderful things about us

And so when you read something like this let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths But only such as good for a building up as it fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear

You may think about that what that's commanding is flattery right an affirmation an agreement

Because that builds up right so you build But what's the problem with that? Does anyone like what's the problem with?

Understanding edification as in terms of flattery Can it can anyone think about why that's such a big problem what would happen if you did that what what do you mean?

All right, so in that way You think you're building them up But you're actually crippling them, right?

You're reinforcing something in them like this need for praise and flattery That isn't going to serve them well in life, right?

Any other thoughts yes Right Yep, but we've kind of declared war on that Because that's mean right and you don't want to shame people right like Shaming is bad.

Got a flatter, right? How you can think about that related to this the the singing shows that you see, right?

if you Singing competition if you were to tell someone that they're like a wonderful singer or whatever

Flatter them what happens what happens like you think you're building them up, but what's happening? What's gonna happen?

They're gonna go embarrass themselves And great indeed will be their fault right so I mean you think you're building up But what you're actually doing is you're preparing them for disaster aren't you?

Follow your dreams, right Keep going like that's what we want to hear right like you think that's building someone up telling them to follow your dreams, right?

Be true to yourself, right Don't let anyone stand in your way It's like but what if their dreams are to to utilize skills that they don't have and that they'll never have right

Is it building them up no you're just flattering them right you're just flattering them in a substance like And I don't think

I guess I don't I just don't think we put enough thought into how destructive That actually is to people

Like you're living in a generation of people who have been incessantly flattered One of the major failings of our society today

Particularly in the younger generations is that they've been they've been flattered and flattered and flattered and flattered and flattered

And they don't see themselves accurately and they don't see themselves realistically, right?

But there's a there's a demand you must flatter me right you must agree with me.

You must affirm me You must validate my feelings. I can't help the way. I feel got to validate my feelings, right?

I mean I've been in counseling situation after counseling situation after counseling situation where people are just looking at me putting forth their feelings

They they're presenting me with their feelings and emotions Like they would present their small cherished child or something like that with the expectation that I'm just going to coddle and praise

Those feelings right and then if I disagree with those feelings, then I'm invalidating their feelings and I'm a big jerk, right?

But part of counseling involves invalidating people's feelings and say hey those feelings are not valid. I Know that they're yours and they're authentically yours

But they're not valid and they're not good and they don't honor the Lord and you need to deal with them You need to repent of them.

And so here's the point like let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth But only as such as good for building up.

It doesn't mean flatter people That isn't saying flatter people Praise people coddle people and you don't coddle their emotions praise them incessantly

Only tell them what they want to hear never say anything that's Disagrees with them at my last church week.

We had a going -away party and I'm just using this as an example.

So of what we're talking about, but we had a going -away party and One of the girls confessed that it took a little bit to get used to my teaching but But then she came to enjoy it but then

It also took her a little bit to get used to how blunt I am But then she came to really appreciate it, you know

She was dealing with some parenting problems that she was having with her child or child wasn't behaving the right way

She knew she was being sinful towards her child. And so she would ask all of her friends

She would tell them all about it and try to get some advice from him and their instinct was just to praise her and tell

Her you're doing fine. You're a good mom, you know, you're doing you're doing okay, you know, and I just keep on going

And so like they think they're trying to edify her and build her up but she's like I I Know I'm not doing a good job

That's why I'm talking to you. I'm trying to get some help, you know It's just like I'm gonna go talk to Tim because he's the only one who'll be honest with me

He's gonna tell me what I'm doing wrong And then I'll at least know how to fix it, right? And so she went and talked to me and then

I did that and she was thankful for it She was thankful for it But I mean you like the thing is the way you you you don't just build people up by lying to them

You know faithful of the wounds of a friend profuse of the kisses of an enemy flattery isn't gonna do it Like there are times where you're stuck and you need help and you need someone from the outside to look at what you're doing and say

Hey, what am I doing wrong? Give me some answers, right so I can actually have some help so that's the way you build up like you you

Sometimes you build up through like a legitimate encouragement, too But if all you do is give false encouragement, no, it's not real right?

It's not real don't trust it You're not gonna trust it if someone they have never You know have any

Like if everything is awesome, right if God is awesome, and the pizza is often awesome And the cheeseburger is awesome, right and everything that you do is awesome.

If it's all awesome, then awesome is meaningless, right? like it's just a Word that a certain type of person says too much right at that point.

That's meaningless. But here's the thing like real encouragement Real encouragement that fits is much more valuable

Than a bunch of false encouragement That doesn't fit So if you deal with a person who is going to be truthful with you and has a reputation for being truthful with you

When they give you real encouragement you pay attention right, but if all they do is just flatter you

It goes in one out the ear it goes in one ear out the other ear And then you develop the kind of character that just needs it more and more and more, right?

So there's a lot more to say about this Topic about edification men and women

I'll say this and we'll see if we can move on but men and women Often need to be edified in different ways and part of living in an egalitarian society means that we don't understand this point

So part of the way that guys edify each other is to tease each other But we've declared war on bullying

Unfortunately, so now we have prevented men from Encouraging like building one another up in a way that often helps right?

So, you know, why do guys tease each other? They're trying to toughen them up They want to be stronger

They're doing the same thing that drill sergeants do why do drill sergeants yell at their Recruits and call them maggots and things like that.

Like why do they do that? They're not trying to tear them down they're trying to remove all the weakness from them, right?

Now in like a in lady mind that seems mean Because you have to be you have to be nice to them, right?

But the problem is the enemy soldier is not gonna be nice to them You know I'm saying like the enemy soldier is not gonna be nice to them

The enemy soldier is gonna be very mean to them and you have to get that weakness out of them And a lot of what guys have done historically is mess with each other to try to get that weakness out of each other

They want their they want they want to develop strength and fortitude and courage in each other and a lot of ways that you do that is

Through teasing and things like that. Yes, sir Yeah, there's there's good

What I'm what I'm trying to communicate is there's good forms of that and there's bad forms of that like the malicious forms of that are just pointed and trying to tear down and filled with pride, but then there is a good kind of There is a good form of that that you don't want to lose in the midst of that So I'm just trying to say when you're thinking about what does it mean to build someone up?

Everyone knows the drill sergeant loves us the recruits and once they're good He's trying to he's basically saying we're going to be deployed, and I it's my job to get you ready, right?

There was a I Think it was we were soldiers, and I don't know if there's something bad in that movie

Then please forgive me for mentioning it because I it's been too long but I mean the it was pretty extreme with the drill sergeant kind of thing that Then they get into battle, and he's like their dad.

He's their best. You know he's there for them like he's And they're looking to him to help them right and it's like then you see what that was all for You know what

I mean. It wasn't because he was trying to Destroy them he was making them into He They're they're the anvil and he's the hammer he's making something good out of them

You know and so I just oh, I'm trying to say in a simple way is that I'm not trying to sanctify every form

Form that that has ever taken because there's distorted forms, and there's good forms I'm just trying to say that when you're thinking about edification don't think about it in a simplistic

Let's all be nice and hold hands Universally in every situation because it takes different forms, and you have to think about what is actually happening, right?

So it's a little more complicated, but yeah, I think you want to be truthful like for principle one.

You're truthful, right and You're rightfully encouraging which is to lend courage to someone right, but that's not flattery.

That's not just a one -size -fits -all You know approach to every situation

But it is it is going to be like how can I build this person up and people are built up in different ways?

And so a lot of what guys do then is they they build each other up a certain way And then they get married and they try to do that to their wife and their wife won't have

Because she's a different kind of tool right so you have to think. What is she? How is she encouraged?

She's not going to be encouraged like a Geo sergeant encourages a Recruit right it's just different you know so so you do have to think along gendered lines to some degree with these things

So that's without me being able to talk about it for an hour. That's the best

I got We'll end on this last point

Speak kindly so let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be pulled away from you along with all malice be kind To one another tender -hearted forgiving one another as God and Christ forgave you see these are not just general principles of communication that can apply to believers

And non -believers irrespectively like the only reason why these work is because they're put in a particular context

It's be kind to one another tender -hearted forgiving one another as God and Christ forgave you The only real motivation we have

To do any of this is the fact that God sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for us and do for us

What we couldn't do he canceled a great debt for us Like that God like the cross is the foundation for all of our communication

Do you understand that like what Jesus down the cross? That's the foundation for everything that we do. Why are we truthful?

Because God is a God of truth right he's not like Satan was liar. God is a God of truth Who is

Jesus he is the way the truth the life right no one comes to the father But by him so Satan's father of lies

God is God of truth Jesus is the truth right? That's why we're truthful because we're

Because he's forgiven us he's redeemed us and we're image bearers of him and now we're it we're reflecting

His character and nature upon the world, right? Speak kindly let all bitterness wrath anger clamorous thunder be put away from you along with all malice be kind to one another tender -hearted

Forgiving one another as God Christ forgave you why are we? Kind why are we tender -hearted?

Why are we forgiven forgiving one another as God in Christ Gave us why is the bitterness the wrath the anger?

the clamor and the slander Need to be put away. Why is that all need to put it be put away because Jesus did a great work, right?

He paid a great debt We don't want to be the unforgiving servants do we? Who have been you know

Functionally forgiven a billion dollars and then we're holding and grabbing our brother and sister by the throat

Over the ten dollars they owe us right after we've gotten our debt paid So the issue is that the foundation for everything that we're talking about is the person in work of Christ bitterness

It may feel justified to you Is it justified to God like what if they what if it was really mean

What if they said what if they were really mean to you what if they were really mean Treated you really bad and what if they were really mean over a long period of time and treated you really bad over a long period

Of time is bitterness the answer you know, you know God says about that and the story of the unforgiving servant

He says you wicked servant, right? He didn't say well, I kind of get it. I mean he was jerk, you know

What does he say he says you wicked servant I Forgave you all of that debt you not to have forgiven your brother

The relatively small debt God calls it wickedness like bitterness is not understandable

When you're bitter at your brothers and sisters And you're beating them over the head with their sins against you

Out of it because you feel hurt right and you want to put it in victim Like just you can put it in victim language all day long, but that doesn't mean it's right

I Know that we're predisposed in this society to basically cuddle anyone who claims to be a victim Give them whatever they want refuse to hold them to any standards because they're a victim, right?

We have to be for the victim Christianity is for the victim and all that. But what does God say God? God says let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice he

Often bitterness is because there's a real fault that's been done against you You are the victim of something right?

And what does God say get rid of it? Do you know that it's possible to be sinned against over long periods of time

Repeatedly Without turning bitter and if you turn bitter You're in the wrong.

I'm not saying like if you turn bitter then you deserve them to sin against You in that way or something like that or that you're responsible for their sin against you

I'm not saying that I'm just trying to say Bitterness is evil. Look it's wicked. It's wickedness like bitterness is evil.

It's rickedness wrath, I mean and I'm pretty convinced that they start out with bitterness because I Could be more natural to say let all wrath and anger right and clamor be put away from you and bitterness, too

But they start out with bitterness because that's the one we most understand You know I'm saying it's one of them are most tempted to think oh, that's understandable, but it's not let all bitterness and wrath

Wrath is like hot anger in the Bible. Yes, sir And change or is there should you like But like, you know,

I know I should act in such a way that I don't feel bitterly so I should Yeah It's both

No, it's both yeah, it's So a lot of people are kind of stuck with those kind of things that the idea that you're

All right, like if I were to go and do a nice Deed for someone who I'm bitter at in my heart, then it feels authentic inauthentic because my heart is

Still bitter at them, right? So am I just going through the motions or something like that by doing a nice thing?

But then like the issue is there's two components to every moral act There's the heart posture at least two.

There's the heart posture and then there's a behavior, right? so You need to do the behavior and you need to deal with your heart, right?

But let's say that you can't completely deal with the heart in the moment Well by engaging in the behavior, it does have a way of training the heart

So we don't just train the heart Apart from means You said

I mean, it's like if I'm really mad at Elizabeth or something that's never happened before obviously I Mean if I go up and give her a hug

It may be stiff at first because I have the bitterness inside, right? But then at some point it becomes real

If you persevere through it and you let go of the debt, you know So the Bible, you know

Bible says do good to those who persecute you and despitefully use you right if your enemy hungers feed them

You may be secretly bitter in your heart At your enemy, right? But as you're making them food and trying to make it good for them and preparing it for them and handing it to them

Your heart begins to soften Does that make sense? And so and even if it so you need to say

Lord help me Soften my what does it say be kind to one another tender -hearted forgiving one to soften my heart towards them

While I'm making that food for them, right? Help me to release this debt release this obligation while you're

Making that food right if your enemy hungers feed them and along the way it generally that's the way that means

God uses to Help you let go But what we do is we retreat into self -protectiveness

I'm bitter at you. Therefore. I need boundaries. I need space I need You're not actively pursuing the person right?

So every time they sin against you you're retreating boundaries self -protectiveness, right

You're doing the exact opposite of what the Bible says, but then the issue is the more that you do that the bigger

The gap is right the further your heart has to go to get to a tender -hearted forgiving posture

Does that make sense? so All right, that's a good place to stop let's pray

Law we thank you for sending Jesus to die on the cross for us and do for us what we couldn't do we we know that You have come to be an example to us for how we should communicate to each other

Lord We know that apart from your grace apart from your work in our lives. We are hopeless in this area and Our relationships won't honor you in the way that You desire them to Lord.

We need your help need your grace We need to look to you and your son for help in these areas your son's name. I pray