Does An Introverted Spouse Need "Me Time"?

The Offense Warning and the Gospel of Salvation in Christ Alone

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The Podcast Introduction and Marriage Question

Welcome to Bible Bash, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask. We're your hosts, Harrison Kerrig and Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we'll answer the age-old question, does an introverted spouse need me time?

Now, as we start this episode off, Tim, what Bible verse do you have for us?

Yeah, Philippians 2 -4 says that, let each of you look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others.

Okay, so we've got a Bible verse there that's essentially talking about selfishness versus selflessness, right? And Paul's commanding the Philippians to be selfless, not selfish, right?

Right, right.

So, I mean, you do have a verse that basically assumes that individuals are going to spend their time thinking about their own interest in terms of just their autopilot. And so it is one of those interesting verses that factors into this discussion to some degree.

Meaning, the verse is not like a condemnation against pursuing self-interest at all in any way, but then it is basically saying that you're going to do that. As you think about just the way you live your life, you get up in the morning, the first things you think to do are typically going to be things that relate to yourself and your desires and your quote-unquote needs.

And so this is just one of those verses which instructs Christians to orient their gaze outward and be like Jesus, take on the form of a servant. So this is obviously not like a verse that is an absolute condemnation against doing anything that you want to do on your own, but it is a verse that's instructive to this kind of conversation to some degree.

So it's not like a, all right, well, Paul said this, so I can never do anything that I ever want ever again. I can only do what other people want to do, right?

I mean, yeah, he does say, let each of you look not only to his own interests. So the only part is, not only part is the significant portion there.

You're going to pursue self-interest.

That would be pretty funny if you had that wrong understanding of it and then you're like, well, hey, but I like hanging out with other people.

Right, right.

I can't hang out with, you know, that's a selfish interest. I can't do that. No, that's obviously not what is meant there. So Tim, why are we talking about this right now? What's the significance of talking about, you know, me time, especially as it relates to your spouse?

Defining “Me Time” and the Therapeutic Self-Care Mindset

That's a lot of, I mean, that's the question. Me time in general is just, it's an idea that people communicate on a regular basis. So with all these terms that are like quasi-therapeutic kind of terms, what ends up happening is that, you know, the idea of me time is something that the standard person might not quite understand what's being communicated with an expression like that.

So you have just a normal idea of doing something on your own by yourself like that many people might construe as me time. And then you have me time in like the therapeutic sense of, you know, narcissistic self-focused time that's a form of therapy for you in that way.

So part of what we have to do is just talk about what we're talking about here. But you're asking why are we doing this? And I mean, this is a question that we received from a newlywed person. And this is really just a question about marriage in general.

You know, most married couples, I think, who are trying to start out marriage as Christians, they have an impulse to say we have to do everything together at the very beginning. So they may not know really how to structure their time in that way.

So like you think about just the way that they approach this subject of marriage. It's like, hey, we're best friends. We're in flesh. We need to do everything together. And then what ends up happening over the course of their years is that they grow accustomed to doing things apart.

And then they can wind up being a couple who basically are living two separate lives in the same house, you know?

Yeah, all the way down to spouses that are sleeping in different beds.

Yeah, sleeping in different beds. So part of this kind of discussion is just a very natural discussion about, well, how do married couples spend their time? What place is there for self-interest within the context of marriage in general?

So part of it is a discussion along those lines. And then there is this psychological me-time element to this discussion also that is being smuggled into just the normal standard dynamics of marriage in general.

So if you think about what me-time is, you know, I tried to we were talking about this online with some folks, and I tried to give the Urban Dictionary definition of me-time.

A very reputable academic source.

Yeah, but what's funny about that is that often these Urban Dictionary definitions, they do get at what people are actually communicating in a better way than your standard dictionaries do. So the Urban Dictionary definition of me-time is quality time that self-absorbed narcissists set aside for themselves.

So then, quote, my problem, said the self-absorbed narcissist at the yoga retreat, is that I'm just too giving. I really need to learn to know how to be a little more selfish, how to set aside a little more time, you know, me-time.

So, I mean, that does get at what you're talking about with the idea of me-time. So I also put online this picture of a lady who's painting or whatever, and it says, signs that you need some solo time.

And then, you know, they had a picture of a frowny face, says irritability, you know, lack of focus, social anxiety, loss of interest in group outings, you know, then overstimulation. That's a funny new word that we're using now.

And then feeling overwhelmed, right? So, like, the idea there with me-time is it really is this therapeutic kind of narcissistic time to where you're just feeling overwhelmed, you're feeling anxious, you're feeling stressed out, and you just need to get away from everyone and just do something on your own that you enjoy just for you.

So in that way, like, for people who are using this in the therapeutic sense, this is primarily a term that's not really just talking about just doing something by yourself. It's talking about, like, you're stressed out and you're anxious, and everyone around you is just, like, overstimulating you and making you anxious, and you need to just get away from them in order to, you know, engage in self-care, right?

So in that way, it has a very specific kind of, you know, quote-unquote therapeutic meaning there. And so a lot of people, they are stressed out, you know? So they may identify themselves as an introvert, and, you know, they may get worn down with social interactions.

They may just want to escape, you know? And so then they're talking about this not in the normal lens of, hey, yeah, I think I'm going to go fishing, right? So, like, hey, I'm just going to go fishing.

I don't think anyone would think anything weird about that. But then if you're talking about, like, my kids are stressing me out, you know, I'm tired of being around my husband, you know, whatever, so I need to get away and, you know, engage in self-care, then something different just happened there in those two kind of stereos.

I mean, when you're saying, hey, I'm going to go fishing, you don't necessarily mean, like, hey, I'm going fishing in response to some other thing that I don't like. You just mean, hey, no, I just plan to go fishing, so I'm just going to go fishing for a little bit.

Right, right, and that's, like, the distinction that needs to be made in this kind of discussion as to what you're even talking about. So when people are talking about me time, like, I need some me time, I need to engage in some self-care, I need some alone time or whatever, they're talking about, like, retreating from, like, stressful situations, like the stress of being around their family, you know, or their friends.

That they're supposed to love and cherish above all others.

Right, so in that way, it's just, like, functionally what's happening is it's, like, an introvert way of saying, I'm sick of being around you and I need to remove myself from your presence so that I can be okay, right, because I'm just totally stressed out by being around you.

So that's a very different thing than just, you know, periodically saying, hey, yeah, I'm going to go fishing.

Right.

So I don't think most people think, like, hey, I'm going to go fishing means I'm tired of being around you, wife, right?

I mean, I could definitely see situations where that was the reasoning behind it, but then, yeah, not every time someone goes fishing, it's because they're trying to escape their wife.

Right, yeah, now, if you're constantly fishing, someone might suspect that. That's what's going on, right?

Right, right.

Like, oh, you're going fishing again. How often do you need to fish, you know?

Surely you've caught every fish now.

Yeah, so I think the issue there is with me time, like the idea of this me time, people can be using it as an escape, and there's a difference between just doing something you want to do because you want to do it, and there's a difference between that and basically just engaging in this therapeutic escape time where you're escaping from these people that you're supposed to love more than you love yourself.

And so there's some sort of discussion to be had there, and these, like, hey, I need to get away from you all because you're just too much for me. I'm emotionally frazzled, and that may be understandable.

So, I mean, if your kids are crazy, and the Bible says a contentious wife is better to be on the corner of a rooftop than in a home with a contentious woman, or if you're that husband who's always going fishing because you're married to a contentious wife and your kids are out of control and crazy, like, everyone can understand what's happening there as if, I mean, you can understand that that's a reasonable response to being married to a battle axe and having kids who are just, like, not managed at all, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily a godly response, if that makes sense.

And so in the same way, like, if your kids are all stressing you out, you don't like your husband, you don't really want to be around him, he's too much, you know, you've got conflict going on in your marriage and you're doing this, I need to get away from everyone, you know, you need to watch the kids, I'm so stressed out, you take care of them, I need to go do my me time.

Everyone may understand what's going on there, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily...

Like, from a human perspective.

Right, right, but that doesn't mean it's godly, and then, you know, if you're going to put it like that, then I'm just going to look at you and say, hey, whatever's happening, that isn't a need, you don't need to get away, you know.

In fact, you may need to clean up the mess you made.

Yeah, you actually need to stay and start figuring out how to fix this stuff.

Yeah, yeah, so a lot of this is just related to the term need. You know, does the introverted spouse need, you know, to get away from people in order to be okay? And I would say they don't need to, no, they'll be all right.

You know, in fact, they probably need to learn how to fix all these destructive things that are going on that make it so oppressive to be around people in that way.

Introversion, Extroversion, and Temperament

You know, so it seems like a lot of this conversation really revolves around the whole introvert versus extrovert kind of conversation. So, you know, does adding that into things change your response at all, or what are your thoughts on an introvert?

I mean, normally it's going to be an introvert who's saying, hey, I need my me time, you know, because extroverts are very much about being around other people. So, you know, introverts saying, hey, I need my me time, that's just the way I am, I get drained when I'm around other people and I've just got to, like after a while, I've just got to get away, maybe even for long periods of time before I ever go around others again.

You know, does that justify things, or is that like, you know, or is that like, no, that's not an excuse.

Yeah, I mean, so you have different, I do think you have different temperaments there like related to introvert and extrovert, and I typically try to put them in quotes just like I do with all these psychological terms in general, you know, personality kind of terms that I, because I just, I think they're taking on a lot of baggage and they're doing a lot of things that people don't necessarily suspect that they're doing.

So I definitely, you know, if I were to describe myself with one of those labels, I would be an introvert all day long. I mean, I don't, I, you know, if I'm around people nonstop all day long, I start to get drained pretty quick and I get to a point where it's like, man, I need to, I think to myself, man, I need some time to myself.

I'm drained, I'm exhausted, you know. So, I mean, I understand all those temptations. I understand what's being communicated. You know, I'm probably like a lot more introverted than most people actually are.

I'm probably more on the extreme end of introversion, like on the spectrum of things, like meaning, you know, I could be around, I could be by myself for days and days and days, you know, and like just in my flesh, I could be around myself and not even care, you know, like I would be fine because like there's a lot going on like in my brain that is sufficiently interesting to me, you know.

So, and then people, you know, like just interacting with people can be just a lot of work. It's like, it's difficult to communicate at times and difficult to just figure out how to relate with other people.

You know, my older brother, he's very extroverted. Like, so, you know, we're polar opposites. We're extremes in this way. Like where he just thrives on being around people. I mean, he, you know, one of the funny things about this just related to natural temperaments is that, you know, I, just to give you an idea, like when I'm by myself, I'm listening to things.

I'm trying to learn, you know, I have things in my ear nonstop trying to learn and he calls people nonstop, you know. Like he takes his free time to call people. I take my free time to learn, you know, like that's, I mean, I'm not saying he doesn't spend his free time to learn.

I'm just trying to say that, like, I would get stressed out. Like if I were to call people all day long and talk to people all day long, I mean, that's like, that literally feels exhausting to me. You know, like, and so, I mean, I understand all these temptations and I, I mean, I remember when I was a young, when I was about to get married, I was engaged.

I went and I spoke with me and my wife, Elizabeth. We were, I would always ask, you know, relatives and godly people like advice about these kinds of things. And, you know, one of my aunts and my uncles, I came to them and I, I basically said, you know, like, I, I'm an, you know, I'm a very introverted kind of person and I just get kind of worn down being around people all day long.

You know, how do you deal with that kind of thing in the context of marriage? That's what I asked him about. So how do you deal with that? Because, you know, there's certain, like I feel like when I'm around people all day long, I get to a point where I just want to be by myself.

I just want to be alone. I just don't want to have to do it, do it anymore. You know, and I mean, it was, I mean, the look of like horror and disgust that came over their face, like it, it truly does stick with me to this day.

You know, like they, they, they, they couldn't hide it. You know, they like, and I'm a person who can handle a lot of blunt kind of communication and they know that about me, but I mean, they could not hide the look of horror and disgust that came on their face.

And, you know, I mean, they basically just kind of looked at me and just said, you know, tell me, like people need to grow up, you know, they need to quit like leaning on these labels. Like I'm an introvert, therefore I need to, it's okay for me to, you know, not want to be around anyone.

You know, you need to grow up. You need to quit being so selfish, you know, like marriage is a one flesh relationship. And yeah, you just, you need to get over yourself and quit thinking about all these things that you need and you, you know, you don't need and everything else.

And I mean,.

Was it like, was it like the, was it like one of those RC Sproul?

Yeah.

What's the matter with you people?

It was definitely that. I mean, it was definitely that. And they were, they're polite and they're kind. And, but I mean, they had that look on their face. Like I said, the dumbest thing that anyone's ever said in the history of the world.

And I appreciated that. I mean, their look of looks of horror and disgust, they really do stick with me to this day.

Every time I'm, every time I'm tempted to selfishly retreat and be by myself for long periods of time.

In order to be okay.

I see their faces.

Yeah.

Those looks are like,.

They haunt me.

They're like a slave master's whip on my back, you know, that keeps me going and keeps me safe. But I mean, the thing is, like as a person who's just really introverted, I've never approached marriage like that because they, you know, snap some sense into me.

Right.

Like they, like they didn't, like if I would have given myself permission to approach marriage like that, then yeah, I mean, I can imagine I come home from work and, and it's like, Hey guys, I can need some me time.

You know, I've been, I've been busy all day long.

I need everyone to get in a hard eight, eight hours.

I need to,.

I need my space.

Yeah.

I need my space for a few hours. I need everyone to leave me alone. You know, I need, I need everyone to get away from me.

I mean,.

I can imagine myself doing ridiculous things like that and justifying it because I'm some kind of introvert or something like that.

But I mean,.

I've literally never thought that way because I understood what they were saying was like a right. And that I was like, this is just kind of being stupid.

Right.

And so I've never, I've never thought that way. I've never approached marriage that way.

And then,.

You know,.

And one of the things I've found is when you have a pleasant wife and you have pleasant kids to be around, it's not really all that draining. You don't need to be away.

Right.

Like you don't really want to be away.

You know,.

Now when there's conflict in the home and where the kids are not,.

You know,.

Act when they're acting the fool or whatever, then I get,.

Yeah,.

Everyone wants to get away from that,.

You know,.

But when things are normal and calm and you have a good home dynamic, that's happening. It can be like, you don't feel drained being around people you love and you care about who are kind to each other.

Right.

Which is,.

Is that why introverts love being alone? Cause they love themselves.

I mean,.

That's the thing. So it's like a form of self love.

Yeah. Yeah.

And,.

And so,.

I mean,.

I think,.

Um,.

The introverts can fight these things really hard because they've,.

Um, they're,.

They're leaning on this label as a kind of an all purpose excuse to sanctify any and all forms of selfishness that maybe that God maybe wants to get rid of them from them.

You know,.

So like the classic introvert is a person who feels like drained with social interactions, but feels like recharge when he's by himself. And the classic extroverts, kind of the person who feels recharged by social interactions and,.

You know,.

Can get drained,.

Um,.

By being by themselves and alone. And so those are two temperaments,.

But I mean,.

Like theoretically,.

I mean,.

It really is only supposed to be like 30 of people, 30 to 50 of people are introverts and the rest are extroverts. But then when we did this poll online about this,.

I mean,.

It was like 77 of people were identifying as introverts. And I just don't.

Believe.

So it's like the total inversion basically.

Yeah.

I mean,.

I just don't believe that it's just like introverts are congregating online and Twitter and the extroverts don't go there,.

You know? I mean,.

Maybe that's true. Maybe they go,.

You know,.

Maybe the extroverts are going to,.

Um,.

You know,.

Hang out with each other.

Maybe,.

Maybe so.

I don't know,.

But I just don't believe it's that high.

And I mean,.

When I was listening to people like talk about this, I do think that for many people, they don't have these divisions in their mind. They basically just think like, I I'm selfish. I like to do a lot of things by myself.

I don't really like sacrificing for other people. So therefore I'm an introvert,.

You know?

So I think a lot of people are thinking about it along those lines and particularly when like video games are introduced into the world. I think a lot of guys will identify themselves as an introvert because they, they'd be perfectly happy to spend,.

You know,.

Five days,.

You know,.

Playing video games or whatever.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I could do that for sure.

But I don't think that that means they're an introvert. That just means that,.

You know,.

They,.

Uh,.

They have an entertainment addiction.

Yeah.

And they're selfish.

You know,.

I think they're selfish. They have an entertainment addiction,.

You know?

And so I think, so a lot of what happens with these kinds of discussions, you talk about introvert, extrovert,.

You know,.

You have a lot of introverts who will work it,.

You know,.

They'll basically use this label introvert to get themselves out of any kind of responsibility they have to do any of the things the Bible says. By appealing to this label,.

Which they're,.

They're kind of using as a club to bash away any and all responsibility.

Yeah.

It's like the golden calf. You can't touch it.

Yeah,.

It really is,.

You know? And so,.

But I,.

I,.

I understand where it's coming from, like in a certain sense, because in a lot of ways, like most of your, most of extroverts are the people who often get ahead in the world in a way that introverts don't.

Like,.

Meaning,.

Um,.

You know,.

Like most of your politicians are going to be extroverts. Most of your pastors are going to be extroverts. And what can happen in like in church life is that you have a lot of extroverted pastors who are basically just people,.

People,.

You know,.

Like that. That's what they are.

They're, they're,.

They're like,.

Man,.

I want to be around people. And often they can be pretty narcissistic.

You know,.

They need Africa, constant affirmation, need constant approval. They need their egos stoked in a lot of ways,.

Right?

They need people to tell them they're okay. And so they thrive on these like interacts, like social interactions, because they're getting certain selfish things from them.

Uh,.

But then they look at, so you look out at the church and it's like a lot of your, your extroverted people are your mouths. And then a lot of your introverted people are more like your brains. They're more, you're like your classic introverts are more like your brains, your thinker kind of people,.

Uh,.

Who maybe don't have as much to say,.

You know,.

And they're not like the life of the party. They're not whatever. And so you can have a lot of extroverts who are in churches who are like leading the churches who are kind of looking at the introverts and basically saying,.

You know,.

To be godly, you need to be like me,.

Right?

You need to,.

You need to, you need to have like,.

Um,.

A hundred friends, friendships that you're maintaining simultaneously all at once. Like that are all,.

You know,.

And a lot of times with like extra extroverts, they'll maintain these a hundred friendships, but they're all kind of shallow.

Right.

Whereas the introvert will have like five friends that are very, very deep.

Right.

And so then, so then the introvert can look at the extrovert and they can say,.

Hey,.

You look very superficial to me.

Right.

Uh,.

Because like all your relationships are just like,.

You know,.

That deep,.

You know?

So you have all these relationships, but they're not, they're not very deep. And then the,.

You know,.

The,.

But then the extrovert can look at the introvert and say,.

Hey,.

You don't, you don't like anyone.

Right.

You don't hang out with anyone. But it's like,.

Well,.

No,.

I'm throwing like the introverts,.

Like,.

No,.

I'm throwing like all of my relational energy into five people. And you're throwing all of your relational energy into a hundred.

People. Right.

So we're doing the same thing. It's just, we're managing it in a different way.

Um,.

You know,.

So,.

Um,.

So the issue is like, you need both, obviously you need both. And then if you have a bunch of extroverted pastors who are kind of making themselves the standard of Godliness and not thinking about these natural like tendencies,.

Then,.

Then introverts can kind of look at that and say,.

Hey,.

Like they push on that really hard and say,.

You know,.

I'm different,.

Right.

I'm different than you. I'm not going to be able to be this,.

You know,.

Gregarious outgoing life of the party kind of person that you are.

It's just not the way I made.

Uh,.

But then what often happens though, is the introverts will then in their defensiveness, sanctify a lot of bad stuff.

Right.

You know,.

Like,.

Like you don't ever have to share the gospel with people because you're introverted. You don't have to go to social functions because it's too stressful for you and you're overstimulated and you need a break.