The Man's Role in Marriage & Family (07/23/2023)

Well, we are doing a little study on marriage and family and a little bit on child rearing, not too much on that, but mostly marriage and family. And so we're going to continue with that this morning.

Let me review just a little bit. We had previously talked about that starting out on Father's Day, we talked about the father's first just because we had Father's Day. Really it's like the third item in this study, but we've moved it to the top.

The Husband’s Spiritual Warfare, Finances, and God-Ordained Role

So that's where we've been. We talked about the fact that the husband has got to understand and pursue spiritual warfare and the whole idea of spiritual armor, and that's true every day of your life when you have a family.

Secondly, the husband must understand his financial responsibilities toward the family. And the third thing, which is the thing we started last Sunday talking about, the husband must realize the God-ordained role of the man in the family.

The other things we talked about were sort of general. These are more specific. So there are eight of them, and we discussed the first four last time, if I remember right. They go like this. He is to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

That is the very first and most important point. Secondly, he is to be the supreme lover in the family. He is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Let's see, there were three aspects of that, weren't there?

The first one was what I just said. The second one was he should love the wife as his own body. And the third one, he should see himself as being one with his wife. We covered quite a bit last Sunday.

And the fourth logical conclusion of that third point is the husband should love his wife as himself. We see, we showed all the scriptures for these different things. And I think we ended up with he should be the spiritual leader of the home, found there in Ephesians 5 .23, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he is the savior of the body.

Okay, so we discussed where it says the husband is the head of the wife. It's a matter of authority, not with regard to value. God values the woman and the man equally as his children. But as far as authority structure in this world because of sin, and this happened at the point when Adam and Eve sinned is when this took place, was the man was made the head of the home because of sin.

However, we have to remember that that was no surprise to God. It was always his plan because the Bible says Jesus was slain before the foundation of the world. So it was always God's plan that Adam and Eve would sin.

And people debate me on that all the time. But my answer is, how else could God have shown his enormous love and grace without the cross? Couldn't have happened. So it was always his plan. And that brings us to our first point for today.

And that is, let's turn to 1st Peter. Most of those were in Ephesians chapter 5 and 6, but this one is in 1st Peter chapter 3, verse 7. So if you would turn there with me, please. Okay, 1st Peter chapter 3, verse 7.

Likewise, ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.

There are a lot of points in that one sentence. You could do a whole sermon just on that one sentence pretty easily. The whole idea that I pulled out for that whole verse is to treat her as the weaker vessel.

But there are many other ideas in this verse that are really, really important. So we'll take a look at that. In fact, where it says to, up at the first where it says, likewise, ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge.

Let's talk about that for a moment, gentlemen. Dwell with the wife according to knowledge. Have you ever stopped and just contemplated what that means? What it means is that God requires the men, this is not a requirement for the women to do this on the other way around, but a requirement for the men to understand women better.

So you say, okay, I'm glad that's not the only commandment in the Bible because that one is maybe the hardest one. I'm also glad that there's grace. So the Lord can forgive me when I don't understand my wife or the women, right?

Because I think women would say the same thing. They would say, well, I don't know. Women pretty well seem to understand men, don't they? Kind of like they figure it out. But men don't ever figure out women totally ever in your whole lifetime.

And so and yet we're exhorted here to deal with them according to knowledge. And that's exactly what it means. We need to learn how women think in order to please our wives and bring them joy. Now, we're going to look at more detail at this toward the end of this study, not today, because there's a lot of interesting information we can talk about there that I've found as I have studied quite a number of psychology books on how to counsel as a pastor through the years and all that.

I found one in particular that was really, really good about marriage. And I'll talk about that a little bit when we get to the part of a study where you remember how I said when I counsel, I'll always bring the husband in and talk to him privately and then bring the wife, talk to her privately and then bring them both in and talk to both together when we get to.

So I'm teaching this kind of the same way. But when we get to the together part where we're talking about all of it, man and wife together, we will talk about this in more detail. But the thing is, I really believe that men, young men, especially as they get married.

They don't yet understand much about how women think about how they feel, think and feel both, you know, they don't really understand. And they just sometimes assume, well, they're just like me. Surely they would think about that just like I would.

And this is an exhortation in scripture to understand that that is not true. They don't always think about it like a man would. And we are supposed to learn that and understand it more and more every day of our marriage or through the years of our marriage.

And as you do, it helps a lot. And so that's what I believe this means when it says dwell with them according to knowledge, understand more about them, how they think, how they feel, their desires, what things interest them the most, what things interest them less.

And so one thing we're going to do is kind of interesting towards the end of this study when we're talking about it together is we're going to give a provide a list of emotional needs of men and women, not all of them, but about 10.

And we're going to look at those and men and women both have all 10 of them. But what's interesting is we're going to categorize them in order of importance for the man and then in order of importance for the woman and compare those two lists.

And I think you're going to find it very interesting. So, gentlemen, just in a nutshell, what you probably could do is make a list of stuff that you like and how you think, turn it upside down, and that's how they think.

So whatever is number one for you is like number 10 for them. Whatever is 10 for them is number one for you. And that's how you figure it out. Not really. OK. In some measure, however. Now, when it goes on there, it says give honor to the wife, right, and treat her as the weaker vessel.

So there are several points here, each important. The first, of course, was dwelling with her according to knowledge. And like I said, we'll talk more about that later. Secondly, treat her as the weaker vessel.

Now, that one's under attack nowadays, if you noticed. I don't know if you like to watch movies much, but in the last goodness, it's gone on now maybe 10 years. I don't know, five at least, probably 10.

Most of the really powerful super people are women now in the movies, like the ones that can just flat beat up everybody, including all the huge men. They can take the brother Raymond and just chunk him right on the ground.

Now, I know Sharon can do that, actually, but but I've seen her do that. But but it's not normal. Right. But I mean, on Hollywood, the women are the really strong characters. And for many years, especially if they're doing sitcoms and things, the man in the house is kind of mousy and whiny and stupid.

And the woman is the strong character. And and all of that. And I know most of you think, well, actually, Brother David, that's how it is now. But but Hollywood wants to depict it that way because it's backwards.

It's upside down and it's backwards. The woman is not the leader in the home and she is not the strongest person in the home. She shouldn't be the strongest physically, obviously, and she certainly shouldn't be the strongest spiritually.

It's interesting how God works with men, ladies. You can actually study the Bible more than him, but as long as he studies it, he may well understand it more than you, even if you study longer and more.

It's really, really strange how that is. But men, God has ordained that the men would be the spiritual leaders. And if they put some effort into it, that effort will be multiplied by God. Now, gentlemen, that is not an excuse for you to study less than your wife, et cetera.

But you have a huge responsibility there because you must be stronger in all areas. This is not just physical, but it is where it calls the woman the weaker vessel. It is specifically speaking of the vessel, which is the body, the tabernacle that we live in, the human body.

And God has made the man stronger. It's interesting. I tried to Google that and see if the world agrees with that and found some very interesting articles. But what they do is they don't want to really talk about the physical differences because it's clear the world really knows that men are stronger, but they don't want to admit it.

So what they'll start talking about is things like, well, women live longer. Well, you know, when you get to the old folks home, the women are up running around and the men are walking on walkers and it showed pictures of all that and it's talking about how the women are really are stronger.

But they avoided the part about the physical body, of course. And so there are many areas where women are stronger. It's in the areas where God intended for them to be stronger. And if you remember the very first of this study, we talked about how when God made humans, he made Adam and Adam had all the feminine attributes and the masculine attributes all in himself.

He was a complete human being. And when God performed surgery and took the rib and created Eve, he pulled some of the attributes out of Adam and put them in her so that now they have to become one flesh, become married and be one in order to have all the attributes of a person together.

And that's why it's so wonderful when you have a wonderful marriage, because together you have all the attributes that humans are supposed to have. And when you work together, that's how it is. And so but anyway, this particular point, treat her as the weaker vessel.

Gentlemen should always remember that that is actually a command, an imperative in scripture, which means when the car pulls up with all the groceries in the trunk, you don't just lay on the couch and let her bring them in.

And it's kind of funny because when I wrote this study years ago, I had someone in mind when I wrote it. It wasn't me, but I had someone in mind because I knew that they did that. But it's it's something it's an everyday thing to remember that, you know, help the woman every time you can, because she is the weaker vessel, things like that.

I mean, it's easy to forget, especially in our world where the whole world is screaming. The woman is equal. She's stronger than the man. She's she can do everything. And the man would say, OK, I'll lay here and watch football then.

Right. But we're not supposed to do that. Gently. We're supposed to always remember this exhortation and live like this is true because it is true. And God will bless the marriage for that. And then the part about dwell with her, according to knowledge, we already covered that part.

And then it says in this same verse, it says to honor her. Well, when you talk about treating her as the weaker vessel, that's one thing. But honoring her is honoring her with honor as if she's the stronger vessel.

You get you give her the honor of a queen. Literally, you've heard the old time expression. Well, they had put mom on a pedestal and they say that in a negative way sometimes in our world today. But that's exactly what dad should do.

She should be everything to him. And so the honor is an imperative. It's a command from God that we treat them that way, that we honor them, even though they're the weaker vessel. And so third thing, actually, this is the fourth thing in this verse is understand that you are heirs together of the grace of life.

So God's purpose in most most human beings is that they be married and that they have this relationship and that the whole of the human nature comes forth through the two joining together and they become heirs of the grace of life itself.

That's a beautiful phrase, don't you think? You're supposed to live this life together so long as you both shall live, and that's God's way. Then it says the husband does all these things so that he may have a powerful prayer life.

Gentlemen, that's easy to miss at the end of verse seven and first Peter chapter three. It says all of those things we just discussed so that your prayers be not hindered. So God puts an extra incentive in there that you can't go in there and pray that the church might be powerful and grow or pray that you're the business that you're doing would grow and create lots of wealth for the family and all these, you know, that the nations will come together in peace and that our government would be totally thrown out of office and new people elected and all these mighty prayers that the men like to pray.

None of that will be answered by the Lord if you don't, number one, treat your wife as the weaker vessel, honor her, understand her and understand that you're heirs together. If you don't do these things, the rest of your prayers are in vain.

They will be hindered. And hindered means what Dave was teaching at Sunday school today about prayers going up into the ears of God. They will hinder that if these things aren't kept. Very important to remember that.

The Husband as Teacher and Spiritual Leader in the Home

All right. So that moves us to the six. Let's see the five, six point. And you might find this in first Corinthians 1435 if you turn there with me. First Corinthians 1435, and if they will learn, let them ask their husbands at home.

And so the next point that I see here is that the husband is to be the teacher of the wife and the children in the family. He is the spiritual leader. He must be the teacher. Why is that? Because it goes all the way back to Genesis.

The woman was more easily deceived than the man and Satan approached her first and the Bible teaches she was deceived. She thought she was actually doing God's will when she ate that fruit. Satan deceived her, but the man ate it knowing full well he was sinning.

But he was not deceived by it. So women are more easily deceived with regard to doctrinal points in scriptures, so therefore they shouldn't be the main teacher in the family. If there's a man now, if the husband has passed away and you're raising the kids by yourself or there's been a divorce and you're raising the kids by yourself, then the woman has to step up and be the spiritual leader in that home.

But she is not supposed to teach Bible doctrine to a man. And so if your husband is there, he needs to be the teacher in the home. Now, when that's upside down, it needs to get fixed. And ladies, you can't always get the man to do exactly what you want him to do, but you do have ways to persuade him, right?

But I mean, if you can't come to your pastor or the elders or deacons in the church and say, you know, I want my husband to be the spiritual leader and I've pleaded with him for a number of years. He won't do it.

Would you guys have a talk with him? And we will. That's how it's supposed to work. So the man needs to be the spiritual leader, otherwise, how could he obey First Corinthians 14, 35, where it says, let them ask the husbands when they have Bible questions.

Think about that, how many homes in churches in this country do you think the wife could go home and ask the man, would you explain to me, you know, how does salvation even work? Explain me all the points of salvation.

What does propitiation mean, dear? How many husbands around this country could answer that question right now on the spot? Think about that, that's why the nation is as it is, we're the weakest we've ever been.

This country is weaker than it's ever been. And so it's because the men in the pulpit are weak and then that goes into the homes, the men in the home are weak because the pastor doesn't require them to step up.

And so then the nation becomes weak. So to be the teacher is kind of an important point. It may not seem like it, but it means you are the spiritual leader. You know the Bible better than the wife. And where she asked you a question you can't answer, you're willing to go study.

If it takes a week to figure it out, you'll go study. If you got to sit down with the pastor and get some ammunition to help, that's OK, too. Just make sure you get the question answered for her, all right?

And then the next thing I see is he should keep his children in subjection. How many times have you gone to Walmart and seen this cute little girl, maybe three, just totally ruling that dad, screaming at the top of her lungs, pulling him over, that toy or whatever.

And the man is standing there and doing nothing. And that is a sad situation. Ephesians chapter six, verse four. Now we'll go back into that chapter where so many of these points have been. Ephesians chapter six, verse four says,.

And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. So we have two points in that verse. One is don't provoke your children to wrath. And the second one is bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

And so I understand the part about bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord best. I understand that part pretty well. Nurture would include helping them grow with both positive and negative enforcement or reinforcement.

When they disobey or lie, then you spank them properly. And when they do good, you tell them they did a good job. And there are some men, as this is especially tough on male children, but when they have a dad that's never pleased with anything they do, it hurts them the rest of their lives.

So, dad, it's really important, even though your son won't do it as well as you think you could have done it, you tell him he did a great job and do it a lot because it'll build him into a man that can probably do it better than you someday.

All right. So that's that's the way what it means by nurture and then admonition of the Lord means you teach them the Bible. You teach your kids the Bible. You know what? I think the best way you've heard me say it a bunch is not so much a formal Bible study in the home every day or once a week or whatever you would think might work, but do it while you're going places with them everywhere you go with your kid, when you're playing with them in the yard or whether you're going to the zoo or wherever you're going on a vacation, you point out all the cool stuff God has done and give God credit for it.

And then God is real to that child, much more real than if all he ever sees is you're teaching out of a book like math or English or something, you're teaching doctrine and that's all they see you do.

You've got to make it make the child know that it's a personal relationship you have with God. It's not just theology and just theology doesn't work well with kids or adults, really, but I mean, it works better with adults, but kids, no, not so much.

So you teach them about God as you go and ask the Holy Spirit to remind you what to teach them at certain points in the day, throughout the days. And I really think that's the best. Now, the part that was more difficult for me.

In this verse is what does it mean, provoke not your children to wrath? I mean, how do you how do you navigate that? Because what if they provoke you to wrath first? Which happens a lot, doesn't it? Like to me, if they disobey, they just provoke me to wrath right there.

If they if especially if they're not they don't honor their mom, they just provoke me to wrath right there in a nanosecond, my favorite word. You know, if if they blaspheme God or curse or all these different things, you can imagine it can provoke a dad to wrath.

But this says don't provoke the child to wrath. So how do you navigate that? Well, to me, I did a word. I had to start with a word study. And, you know, you can find some Greek, uh. Dictionaries that have like four pages on one word full.

I read that for this word, because this this has always been interesting to me. I've studied it when I was, you know, my kids were little in my 20s. I did a study on this, but I wanted to redo it. So in the last couple of weeks, I've read everything I can find on what this could possibly mean.

And it's interesting when you look at some of the meanings of the Greek and the Hebrew words here. But, of course, this is Greek in particular. But the word, the Greek word itself, the simplest definition starts with a what we would call a prefix in English para, which means like around or alongside or together with.

And so it's para gidso and it means anger alongside. Well, that's interesting, but I don't know about you, but that doesn't help me fully understand the word provoke not. Oh, what is it? It is helpful to understand when it says provoke not your child of wrath.

When you look that up in the Greek, you don't see the word provoke and the word wrath as two distinct words. It's actually it's actually one word in Greek means to provoke to wrath. So it's one word. It's not like three words.

So that helps a little bit. But so to not provoke your child wrath means don't bring anger alongside that child while you're with the child. That's the first kind of word picture in Greek. Now, if you keep looking and digging a little bit.

Another simple definition in the simplest Greek dictionaries would just simply say to enrage, so don't enrage your child. And I know what you're thinking is when you get to about the third swat on that spanking, that child seems to be enraged, right?

You're thinking, well, how so how do I navigate this? What does this mean? All right, don't mean don't spank, don't ever spank. Probably means the exact opposite of that. But how do you figure that out?

Well, let's keep looking at some of these words. It can simply mean to make angry or it can mean to exasperate. It comes from a stem word that means lavish swelling of sap and vigor in a tree, like like you think of a tree with the sap going up.

And so sometimes the ancients would the ancient Greeks would use this Greek word to mean like in a man, anger can just seem to start at his feet and just swell up right through his head like sap in a tree.

That's the word picture. So like you can feel your adrenaline, that child did something that made your adrenaline flow. You picture that now when you respond, this is where the scripture comes comes in.

How will you respond when you are angry? So now we start to get a hint at just from this Greek word, we get a hint at what this might be talking about. It because of that word picture, the ancient Greeks would think of would picture this word, the same Greek word we're looking at as thrusting or upsurging of anger in this impulsive, an impulsive nature is pictured by it.

So like when a child makes you angry, do you just impulsively react? And what would you do? And that's what it's warning against. Does that make sense? I know some parents say count to 10 before you do anything.

I never did that, but probably should have. All right. I know one time in particular, I should have with Matt because he was telling that story the other day, but I thought he had said something about his mom didn't honor.

And I jumped right on him and he said, wait, wait, wait, I didn't say that's not what I said. I finally figured out he had not said what I thought he said. And so I act I act a little impulsively and he said it was scary, but I didn't provoke you to wrath.

Right. Because I listen. So there's a great example. I could have just smacked him and disobeyed this verse or listened and said, oh, OK, go your way. You're OK. Go to your room, whatever. So it's kind of interesting to look at these word pictures to start to get an understanding of how this might might work.

If you look all the way back at Aristotle and Plato, I know this is exactly what you guys love to do, but part of this word would be used to discuss the legitimate attitude of a ruler who has to avenge injustice.

So a ruler who gets wrathful or angry because someone's murdered somebody in his kingdom and he's going to make this murderer pay. This idea comes into play. The idea of injustice can can come into play here.

So you might want to think about that carries the idea that a child's sense of justice might be provoked by something. So think about that example of Matt and myself, since we each have brought it up in the last couple of weeks.

What if I had not listened and I just took him back there and you were too big to spank? I don't know what I would have done, you know, choked him down or something. What if I had punished him in some way and not listen to him when he's trying to tell me that I didn't even say that?

That's not what I said. I said this. What would well up within him at that point? If I punished him harshly for something that he didn't even do. Well, this sense of his sense of justice would be impinged upon.

That, I think, is what this is saying, don't ever do. So you just it's not saying don't discipline or spank. You have to spank. Because otherwise he'll be bringing you to wrath forever and then you're going to return that back and it's going to get terrible in the family.

You've got to spank him at an early age and do it correctly. But it's not saying that. What it is saying is before you discipline a child, you make sure they know why you're doing it. Do you know what you did?

The reason we're in the study, that's where I used to spank him in my study. Put your hand on that couch, you know, that sort of thing. Do you know why you're back here? I didn't mean it, Daddy. Didn't mean it.

No, you need to tell me why you're back here. And sometimes they usually they can tell you. If they can't, you tell them and say, you said this, you did this a while ago and said this, do you remember that?

Yes, sir. Do you think that was right? No. See, so now now they can't feel that you're disciplining them unjustly. You show, you know, you realize the Bible says you're not supposed to lie. Right. And here's what I really hate about it is I'm your dad and I've got to spank you because the Bible told me I have to.

It said, sparing off the rot. So I'm not doing this because I want to. I'm doing it because God makes me. I told him that a bunch. I did it because God said I have to. I don't even want to do it, but I have to because you lied and the scripture says that's wrong.

You understand that? Yes, Daddy. You see, there is no way that I'm going to offend their sense of justice if I do that. Does that make sense, gentlemen? That I mean, and ladies, too, because you have to spank, too.

So this kind of this is good for everybody to hear. And it's interesting because the root words and meanings of this and the Greek language going all the way back carries these connotations. So actually, after looking at this whole thing of all this big word study, I believe the King James translators nailed it when they said provoke not your children to wrath or anger.

I think the only thing you might miss if you don't look more into the word is you might miss that. Well, how does that work? You know what? How would you provoke them to anger? And I think that key little understanding that it can have the sense of impinging upon their sense of justice because you spanked them when you shouldn't have.

You got anger with them when you shouldn't have because they didn't really do what you thought they did. Or maybe they didn't do anything at all. And you just won't listen to them. That's what you never want to do.

I think that clears it up pretty well.

So I like it.

I like this. I like this definition. Webster says to exasperate or enrage. There's a Greek word that kind of nails it there. It means passionate rage, which boils up suddenly. Denoting an angry outburst, which threatens to become lasting bitterness.

So, you know, I think when you when you look at all of these things together. One thing is you want to make sure you're controlling your it's OK for you to be angry when a child does something that's unscriptural, such as lying or rebelling.

Those are the two main things you spank for. Rebellion or lying. And you don't spank for making mistakes like they break your favorite glass and it made you angry. But it's an accident, right? Now, if going around doing stuff on purpose, that's different.

You can tell the difference, but. You don't want to let your own anger influence how you discipline the child unless you're doing it on purpose. I used to let my children know I was angry because to me, it made the spanking more effective.

So I don't try to hide that I'm angry. I just make sure I'm in control. You know, I was a little out of control, but I mean, Matt was bigger than me when this happened. You have to understand he was an inch taller than me when this happened.

This example we're using. So I was a little bit out of control and I approached him and probably shouldn't have. But as soon as he told me I didn't say that, I backed off immediately. But I'm saying you don't want to be out of control and you want the little children that this doesn't tend to happen.

So that's a good thing. So, all right. Any questions on that? I think we can move along. Do you know why it's so important, though, that one phrase, provoke not your children to wrath? It's how serial killers are created if you study psychology.

So every little phrase in the Bible is important. Doesn't mean every child that their dad does that becomes one, but it does mean that everyone that you find did have a dad or a mom like that. All right.

First Timothy 3, 4 says, One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity. And this word subjection for the children to the parents is a word that means subordination.

So it has to do with authority structure. Once again, when Adam and Eve came out of the garden having sinned and sin came into the universe. At that point, these authority structures were built by God so that homes could be in order.

So the man is the head of the home and then the wife and the two of them are the head of the children. And therefore, the children are subordinate to the parents. And that is a principle of God and the world hates it, but it is how it is.

Nowadays, you got to be careful if you live in town and you spank your kid because if a neighbor hears it, they may call the government on you. So be wise about it, but you still have to obey the Lord.

If the government says, no, you can't spank the kid and the Bible says you must spank the kid, who are you going to obey? You have to obey God rather than man and it may cause you some problems. So be wise in it.

And. But still has to be done properly. All right. That brings me to the last point, and that is that the father must not trouble his family. And this one I find in the Old Testament, Proverbs chapter 11.

So find that one right quick. It's kind of interesting up on the while you're looking for that up on the other one where it talks about the child. The father should keep the children in subjection. The the root word for this word that's translated subordination is a word that means to arrange in an orderly manner.

Not interesting. So the authority structures in a family need to be arranged properly in the same way in church, same way in government everywhere. All right. So you found it. So it's Proverbs 11, 29.

The Father Must Not Trouble His Own House

The father must not trouble his family. It says he that trouble at his own house shall inherit the wind and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life and he that wins souls is wise.