Should You Detox from Toxic Relationships?

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People are tired of hearing nothing but doom and despair on the radio.

The message of Christianity is that salvation is found in Christ alone, and any who reject Christ therefore forfeit any hope of salvation, any hope of heaven.

The issue is that humanity is in sin, and the wrath of almighty God is hanging over our heads. They will hear his words, they will not act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment, when the fires of wrath come, they will be consumed and they will perish.

God wrapped himself in flesh, condescended and became a man, died on the cross for sin, was resurrected on the third day, has ascended to the right hand of the Father, where he sits now to make intercession for us.

Jesus is saying there is a group of people who will hear his words, they will act upon them, and when the floods of divine judgment come in that final day, their house will stand.

Defining “Toxic Relationships” and Why the Term Is Unhelpful

Welcome to Bible Bash, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask. We're your host, Harrison Kerrigan, Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we seek to answer the age-old question, should you detox from toxic friendships?

Now, Tim, this is one that you were really looking forward to doing. You brought this to my attention. Was there any sort of special reasoning behind that? Do you have a toxic friendship in mind that you've been thinking about detoxing from?

Yeah, I wanted to sit down and talk with you about our relationship.

Another live rebuke, I see.

I mean, I didn't know how to tell you without a camera rolling.

With the public eye, yeah, I get it.

Yeah, it seems like you're always getting me into trouble.

With some of the topics that we pick,.

So it's time we sit down and have a talk about this partnership that we have here.

Well, that is definitely not the way that I thought this episode was going to go. I had a completely different plan in mind. Okay, so putting the joking aside, what is this? What does any of this mean?

I think probably for a lot of people who run in the same circles that we do, we probably don't typically speak this way. I don't know. Maybe some people do. I guess I don't normally hear this kind of language being used, so I guess can you just start by maybe let's define some of the language we're using in this topic question?

Part of the reason why this is unfamiliar territory for you is because this isn't a very masculine way to talk, talking about detoxing from toxic friendships.

Yeah, it feels like something I would read about if I were to get on…. Oh, shoot, I can't even think of the…. Oh, Pinterest.

Right, right. So this is a question that came to us from a lady, and this is detoxing yourself from toxic friendship. This is very much a female way of speaking. And not only that….

Hang on, Tim. You can't just say that something is a female way of speaking.

That's sexist.

You didn't even know what the topic was.

It's okay.

All right, all right.

Point taken.

You're actually….

I can see the point.

This is the kind of thing that my wife will…. She's on Facebook groups. She will point me to this kind of language. It's very frequent within female Facebook groups and that sort of thing. And it's a very psychological way of talking in general.

So it's a new way of talking to where there is this seemingly moral imperative that individuals have to remove themselves from destructive relationships. This is predominant in a lot of the abuse literature, too.

And so this is a unique way of talking that individuals are embracing at this point in time that is something that may be foreign to people who are not in the know. But, yeah. What was the question again?

Just, you know, let's start off by defining some of the terms so that we all know what we're talking about here.

Right, yeah.

So, you know, part of the problem with a subject like this is if you're going to talk about something like a toxic relationship, it really isn't a biblical term. So you're not going to read through the Bible and you're going to come up with rules for toxic relationships or, you know, 14 ways of identifying toxic relationships and everything else.

It's just a very new way of talking. And it's something that, you know, if you were to just do a simple, you know, Google search or DuckDuckGo search or whatever search engine you use if you don't want to use the search engine of the devil.

But, yeah, you just type in that phrase, toxic relationship, and you're going to have any number of psychological articles, most of which are written by women, okay? So that are going to be talking about the features that correspond with being in a toxic relationship.

Now, the problem is that, you know, when you actually, like if you know anything about this subject matter, you know anything about the abuse literature,.

If you know what we're talking about here,.

One of the things you'll realize is that this isn't a term that is by any means well-defined. And basically any kind of relationship that an individual finds himself in that they deem in some sense to be unpleasant, they can describe that as a toxic relationship.

And so this is part of abuse culture in a certain sense. And so, you know, if you want to just, I basically just did a search on this to try to give some examples of the kind of thing that I'm saying.

But what I'm saying is that this is a term that basically is way overused and there's no clear definition. And basically any relationship you're in that you don't like to whatever degree can be described in this way.

But, you know, there's an article that I saw on RamseySolutions .com. It says a toxic relationship is one that drains, damages, and exhausts you.

Hey, you know, I guess my relationship with my daughter is a toxic relationship.

She throws things at you. Sometimes she damages your eardrums with her crying, you know. So this is why these terms are so unhelpful because anything, like this is just a worthless term, you know. VeryWellMined .com says a toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked.

You know, so this is just the adjectives there, unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. I mean, that is basically every relationship that has ever existed throughout the history of the world.

If it goes on long enough, at some point you're going to feel misunderstood for sure. And then at some point you're going to feel unsupported for sure. And then, you know, demeaning is part of the vast majority of relationships that have ever existed, and who knows what this word attack means.

It probably doesn't mean physically attacked. It probably means that your emotions are harmed or damaged in some way.

Well, I think, just to kind of butt in here for a second, I think what's really confusing about that is not even like the definition is just saying it makes you feel like those things have happened. So there's not even like a subjective, no, you have been attacked.

So like, you know.

You mean objective.

I mean objective, yeah. So if a friend of mine were to come at me with a pair of scissors, that would be an objective attack. I have been attacked, you know, in this relationship.

And physically assaulted.

Yeah.

But then to say, you know, I feel like that's basically implying it doesn't even have to actually happen. You just have to, you know, you just have to think that it could have happened.

Part of the rules of the game, you can't challenge a person's feelings, particularly a woman, you know. So you can't challenge a woman's feelings. And so if a woman feels something, then you have to validate that, right?

So you have to, you know, you have to support that because a toxic relationship, by definition, is one that makes you feel unsupported. So if the person feels attacked by you, you have to, basically you have to hang yourself in the process.

You get what I mean? So if they feel like this is a toxic relationship and you say it's not, you are the definition of creating a toxic environment, right?

Right, right.

So it's unfalsifiable in that way. Dr. Lillian Glass was a California-based communication and psychology expert. And she coined the term in her 1995 book, Toxic People. So she coined this term toxic relationship.

And she defines a toxic relationship as any relationship between people who don't support each other, right? See how helpful that is? Who don't support each other, where there's conflict, and one seeks to undermine the other, where there's competition, where there's disrespect, and a lack of cohesiveness.

So you see how this is just an entirely useless term. So you ask, what is a toxic relationship? Basically, my original summary of what a toxic relationship is, is a toxic relationship is a relationship you don't like.

Right.

For whatever reason or another.

And I can hear some people probably objecting. Well, no, what they actually mean is something like this that happens over a long period of time, right? But then the definitions you just read, there's nothing in there that qualifies it with.

Like, for six months, you feel this way, right? For a year, it's just—.

Well, there's no way to come up with—I mean, these are not objective terms. This is just making up—. There's nothing objective about anything that's happening here. You're describing the phenomenon of a person being in a relationship that they— with some of these definitions, a relationship that damages their self-esteem, that doesn't make them feel supported or affirmed.

I mean, this is all subjectivity put on full display here. So yes, I mean, there is no objective definition of what we're talking about or categorization of what you're talking about. And even if there was, the kind of things that they're putting into this category are the kind of things that are characteristic of every kind of relationship imaginable under the sun.

Right, and there's no way that this is like a helpful— in practical terms, there's no way this is a helpful way to look at relationships, right? Or speak of relationships, right?

Well, this is why it's so important that you believe the Bible is sufficient. If you believe the Bible is sufficient, then one of the things that you have to do, and people are not aware of this, and this is one of the things I'm constantly trying to help people to understand, is that you're living in a world right now that comes up with terms like these.

And these terms are not neutral terms. I mean, these terms come laden with a worldview that is hostile to the Bible in every conceivable way. And so that seems like a fairly innocuous term, a toxic relationship on the surface.

And you can have plenty of Christians who buy into this. They have this sense in which their own relationship, it doesn't feel fulfilling, and it doesn't bring happiness to them. And so then they can latch onto a label like this.

But the problem is that this label is not a biblical label. And what we need to realize is that the Bible is sufficient. So God in His Word, He's given us all things that we need for life and godliness.

And if you really believe the Bible is sufficient, one of the things you're going to do is you're going to religiously and intentionally try to describe everything that you're thinking and feeling with biblical terms and not with pop psychological terms like this.

So the best thing you can do is just to take these kind of labels, remove them utterly from your vocabulary, refuse to deal in those kind of terms, and to make yourself say, whatever we're talking about, I'm going to use biblical language to describe it.

I'm not going to use psychological language. I'm not going to use feelings-oriented language. I'm not going to use therapeutic language. I'm going to use biblical categories to describe what I need to do.

Because if I don't use biblical categories, then it might be that I get the application all wrong. So, you know, and we could talk about that at that point, but this is why this language is totally, utterly, absolutely unhelpful.

Just stick to biblical categories, and you might understand what kind of relationship you're in and what you need to do at that point.

Wisdom, Self-Interest, and the Worldly Assumptions Behind the Term

Now, by making a statement like that, are you essentially creating a new law saying, hey, we, you know, don't ever speak in these terms. They're not good. Use biblical terms. Are you creating a new law here?

I'm not saying it's sinful to use these nonsense terms. I'm just saying that it will lead you to sin.

Okay.

Do you get what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, if you speak this, like, you know….

So, wisdom category.

Yeah.

I mean, so it's largely what we're talking about is a wisdom category, but, like, the problem is that the Bible says of unbelievers, or of unbelievers, that they speak as the world speaks, right? And so if you speak as the world speaks, you will think as the world thinks, and you will act as the world acts.

Right.

Yeah.

So your language isn't neutral at that point. If you speak the way the world speaks, you're going to feel the way the world feels, and you're going to act the way the world acts. And so the point there is just to say, hey, is the original speaking the language of the world?

Is that wrong?

I don't think it's, like, necessarily wrong, but if you internalize that language, that becomes your worldview. That's the way you view the world.

You know?

Without any check on the Bible,.

Like, then you're going to be led into sin in one way or the other, and you're going to lead other people into sin.

Right.

So, like, if you use this term, and you think about this…. So, like, the issue is, like, this is not a neutral term. Like, this is a term that's put forward, you know, that is telling, like, it has a moral imperative implied in the very language itself.

Right?

Right. Yeah.

So, like, we're talking about, should you detox yourself from toxic relationships? Well, obviously, you should. Do you get what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not saying you actually should. I'm trying to say that….

Yeah, like, yeah.

No, I'm following what you're saying.

If you define the relationship you're in as a toxic relationship, then what you're saying at that point is that you staying in that relationship is like putting your hand in a….

Bat of acid.

Bat of acid.

Yes, that's what you're saying. And, like, that would be wrong, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Like, the Bible says, no one hated his own flesh, right?

Right.

We just read a verse, you know, this morning about those who mutilate the flesh, right?

Right.

So, the issue then is, like, if you accept this term, there's a moral imperative implied in it that the answer is, obviously, yes, you should detox yourself from toxic, like, relationships for your health, man, you know?

Right, right.

Or woman.

Like, because it would be insane. Like, we're not individuals who are in favor of abuse, right? Like, you shouldn't just let yourself be abused, should you, right? Be damaged or be attacked. And so, like, that's where, like, there's a lot more to these kind of terms than you realize.

And so, the best thing you can do in terms of wisdom is to not speak that way and not think that way and to describe it with biblical language.

Right, yeah.

And if you do that, you're in a much better position to figure out what God wants you to do in any given situation. But if you insist upon using this nonsense language, you're gonna act in a nonsense way.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah. Because, in a sense, the language is sort of playing, it's playing into that victim mentality, right? And so, whereas the Bible is constantly, it seems like the Bible is constantly telling us to, you know, overlook offenses instead of blow them up out of proportion.

Or, you know, be completely, like...

Not if it's toxic. Not if you're in a toxic relationship.

Right?

If you use that language, it's easy to think that way, right?

Yeah, but see, like, that language is a club that just swatted away that verse like an unruly fly or something. But, I mean, I've never... Like, the thing is, I mean, I've probably counseled a hundred people who have used this kind of language.

And in their minds, the moment they use that language, I know what they're saying. They're saying that not only do they have a moral imperative to exit that relationship, but I also have a moral imperative to let them and to support them in doing so.

Right?

So, it's not only, like, a moral imperative to them. It's also a moral imperative to me. You know what I'm saying? And so, I've never heard the person who talks like that who doesn't think that way.

Yeah.

When you embrace that language, it is going down a... You know, it's going down a path.

And there's...

You really have to be intentional and say, hey, whoa, let's back up.

You know?

Let's put this in different language here.

Yeah, sort of like the man in Proverbs, I guess, 6, maybe. That, you know, he walks down where the adulterous woman is or prostitute is. And then, you know, he gets seduced by her, right? And Solomon basically says he's watching it the whole time.

And he already knows the outcome before it even happens. Because he went somewhere he knew he should have stayed away from.

To give another example of that, too. You know, we used to... My brothers and I, we used to... We got into bowling for a little bit. We kind of rotate sports.

So, you know...

Was the underwater basket weaving in there anywhere?

We never quite got there. You know, we played basketball or tennis or ping pong or pool. We got where we were... The bowling alley had like... I think you pay $5 and you could, you know, bowl for an hour or something like that.

As many games as you want. So we buy our own lane and we got into that for a little bit. But part of the way bowling works is like the lanes are actually oiled in such a way that if you curve it, you find the channel, right?

To throw it at? It's going to go like where the oil tells it to go. And so at a professional level, they have to actually mess with it to where it's not so easy. But you can get to where if you find that lane, like to find the exact angle at which to curve it, right?

If you can do that, you can keep on doing it over and over and over again if you find that channel. But it's like that with this word, right? It'll go down a path. If you insist upon using those words,.

It's going to take you somewhere.

And you might not understand where it's taking you. So I would just tell people, you have to constantly, religiously examine your language and ask, is this in the Bible? If you want to know how to honor God.

Different Responses for Different Kinds of Relationships

So when going back to talking about should I detox from a toxic relationship? We mentioned this sounds like victim language, right?

It is, yeah.

Is that the motivation? What's the motivation behind using this kind of victim language?

You do have a lot of people who are essentially, they're not coming at things.

From a biblical worldview.

They're coming at things from a secular worldview or psychological worldview. And in that kind of framework, basically the goal of any relationship is going to be very different than a Christian relationship's goal.

So if you're a Christian, you think, well, what is the goal of this relationship? You're going to answer that a particular way, right? As a Christian, my goal in my relationship is to glorify God.

That's my goal.

For better or for worse in sickness and health, right? So you attach that goal.

Of glorifying God.

And you put upon it all the vows that you take when you stand before the pastor on your wedding day or however you got married, right? You have traditional vows that you basically say, for better or for worse in sickness and health, you realize that this is a lifelong commitment that you're making and you're making it without strings attached, right?

There may be, I believe in terms of my philosophy of divorce, there's this two-exception clause view. I don't embrace a permanentist view of marriage. I believe that there are two legitimate exceptions, adultery and abandonment.

And I don't add a third. I believe there's two as far as that's concerned. But by and large, this is a permanent union that we're operating under God's rule, right? Under His authority, to His glory. So He sets the parameters for the relationship as far as that's concerned.

Now you think about the secular way of going about it. There is no permanent of marriage in a secular mindset. And there's no necessity of marriage that is operating either. So marriage is a purely optional choice that you can enter into for as long as it benefits you,.

Right?

Yeah.

As long as it, you know, fulfills you, as long as it builds your, you know, quote-unquote, self-esteem, like it's a purely optional.

Arrangement.

That you can enter into if you desire to do so. And there's social benefits that are attached to that.

And, you know,.

So largely this is a utilitarian kind of arrangement you're entering into at the level of marriage. You know, do it if you want. If you don't, then don't, right? But then any other relationship you enter into, there's no, like you can get everything from a marriage.

You can get in another relationship too. And so fundamentally, the goal in those kind of arrangements is largely the goal of happiness and self-fulfillment, if that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, I'm following you.

So then,.

In that kind of framework,.

Then,.

A toxic relationship is a relationship that's not accomplishing those fundamental goals of being fulfilling and bringing you happiness.

Right, yeah.

So by definition.

Some pretty selfish sounding.

Well, it is. It's like it's the definition of selfishness.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

It's the definition because that's like, there is no God, like this is not about God, right?

Right, yeah.

Like other centeredness.

Is only a tool to bring about happiness.

Yeah, yeah. And you know, okay, okay. All right, hang on. Let's sit on this for a second because I think probably most people outside of Christianity think that they are actually being selfless when they pursue like loving another person.

But probably 99 .9 of the time they're being selfish. Why are they being? You know, so like the husband might bring flowers home for his wife.

Right?

As a gift for her. Well, why is he doing that? Well, the motivation is probably for the Christian, the motivation would be, well, I want to honor God and God tells me to love my wife. You know, husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church, right?

I want to love my wife. I'm going to go bring her a gift. And this will be honoring her. This will be showing my love for her. And in doing that, I'll be honoring God. You know, among other things, there's other good things that come from it as well, obviously.

But that's like the primary foundational sort of aspect that's happening. In a, you know, like an atheistic worldview, really the only reason to do that is because I would rather my wife, you know, be happy with me than mad at me.

Right?

Well, it's always about.

The God of self-interest in one way or the other.

Right.

There is no God that's above you that is, you know, setting the parameters for your action in any way. Like you are your own God in that way. So it may be that, you know, you're giving, like it may be that, you know, you like in the worst case scenario, you're bringing your wife flowers because you want to put her in a better position to, you know, respond to your desires.

But then, you know, it could be that you're bringing her flowers.

Just because you like.

The way it feels.

Right.

You know, do something for someone else so you can feel like a good person or something.

Right.

Like if you're not living to the glory of God, ultimately the motive is going to center around yourself at some level.

One way or another.

But as it relates to counseling,.

I mean,.

There is no higher purpose. There is no,.

You know,.

There's nothing objective beyond the self anyways. So the goal of the secular, like therapist, is to help an individual pursue other centeredness because it's in their own interest to do so.

Right.

Because it'll make you feel better.

Yeah, or it's better for you in certain ways. Like, you know, hey, if you kill everyone you see, you're going to end up in jail.

Right.

Yeah. So,.

All I'm trying to say is like,.

Ultimately,.

There is no such thing as selflessness in this kind of framework anyways.

And like,.

You can look at any one of these websites that talk about toxic relationships.

And, you know,.

The operating assumption that undergirds the entire project is the project of self-interest.

Right.

It's the air that all of these projects believe in because it would be harmful and damaging to yourself if you subject yourself to a relationship that is not,.

You know,.

Leaving you feeling supported or understood,.

You know,.

Or that results in you being demeaned or attacked or that drains you or damages you or exhausts you. It's all about you.

Right.

So, this is all about,.

This is,.

This is just.

A self-centered framework.

That you put on, put on a relationship that's operating under basically these self-centered kind of assumptions.

Handling Difficult Relationships Biblically

Right.

Okay. So, I think we've, I think we've pretty well established that, you know, this line of thinking is not a helpful one. It's definitely not a biblical one.

So,.

With that in mind, what would, I mean, okay,.

Like, so,.

Putting that response, you know,.

To,.

I guess like, I guess like undesirable relationships in your mind or difficult relationships. We understand that there are difficult relationships.

Right.

There are, there are times, I mean, every relationship gets difficult at some point. You know, it might not always be like a, a world-ending, you know, sort of difficulty, but there's definitely difficult, you know, there's disagreements, there's arguments, there's, we're all sinful, so there's points where there's, you know, selfishness comes into play.

There's so many different ways that relationships can become difficult. What should the biblical approach be to handling a difficult relationship?

Yeah,.

I think that's what's so hard about the subject.

Is that.

It's just,.

It's impossible to give a one-size-fits-all.

Right.

Answer to this kind of question because you have to take it on a case-by-case basis. But then the problem is that if every difficult relationship is called a toxic relationship, then what you've done is you've taken a broad range of things that could fit in a broad range of relationships and you've lumped them all under one sloppy category.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

And then what you've done is you've given the same application to every single one of them. And so what you want to do is you want to figure out,.

Well,.

What scenario are we in here?

Right.

What are we actually talking about? And the only way to objectively go about doing it is to categorize,.

Like,.

The types of things present in this relationship with biblical language and forget the term toxic.

Right?

So I don't care about that term.

Mm-hmm.

And this is what I will...

I mean,.

I will essentially say that in counseling. If I'm counseling a person and they're saying that this is...

You know,.

They're trapped in a toxic relationship,.

I'll just say, what I want you to do.