Is Having a Wife a Prerequisite for Being a Pastor?

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think, yes, women left on their own, they don't end up turning out very well. And men left on their own, they don't end up turning out very well.

00:07

And you need to put them together in order to make them turn out better, right?

00:13

So that's the point. And so all of my single friends who were unwillingly single and arguing this kind of stuff in Bible college and seminary, after most of them finally got married, you look at them and you think, oh man, they've gotten a lot more responsible.

00:32

They grew up. All right,

00:54

Tim, the question for today's episode is, is having a wife a prerequisite for being a pastor?

01:00

No, but it doesn't hurt. Okay. It's interesting that you say that, because I had always understood what

01:09

Paul, the requirements that he set out for being a pastor in 1

01:16

Timothy, I always understood it as, you must be married in order to be a pastor.

01:25

So why do you say, no, it's not a prerequisite, meaning it's not a requirement, but then it is probably a good thing that you are married?

01:37

Yeah, so what you're referring to is 1 Timothy 3 .2, where it says, therefore, an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober -minded, self -controlled, respectable, hospitable, and able to teach.

01:48

Now, I mean, in that language, when you think about the way the English is translating at that point, it seems like maybe a lot more dogmatic that a pastor must be the husband of one wife, he must be married, in other words.

02:01

But then the Greek basically just says, literally, it is basically just saying a one -woman man.

02:08

And when you think about what's actually being communicated there, it's basically just saying a man who's not sexually immoral.

02:15

So overwhelmingly, that's the overwhelming, obvious implication. And then if it is actually a requirement for a pastor to be married and not just devoted to one person, essentially, meaning he's not known to be sexually immoral in that way, then you're in an awkward situation, because Jesus and Paul would be basically disqualified from being pastors there.

02:40

And so I think as a lot of people view it, they are viewing it in maybe the most – they're taking it in the most absolute kind of strict sense of the expression.

02:54

But I think there's a lot of qualifications in there that are basically just kind of assuming that an elder in general would probably be someone who is well past the age of being married, right, and well past the age of having a family at that point.

03:12

And so I think when you're looking at these qualifications in general, you do have to kind of read them in light of the worldview that is present there at the time.

03:21

And the worldview that's present at the time is basically just that the overwhelming majority of people are going to be married.

03:27

They're going to have kids, even, because they're not living in a time where it's just expected that you get married and maybe wait five or ten years to have a child at that point.

03:35

So – and then, like, you think about, like, how these qualifications actually work. Like, they're meant to – like, an honorable person is just going to get married, and he's going to have kids.

03:47

And then you're going to be able to look at the fruit of, like, how he's managing his home to determine, well, is he qualified to manage the

03:54

Church of God, because, like, you know, the way he manages his home, his wife, his, you know, kids are going to be a resume for him at that point.

04:02

But then I think, you know, obviously in that society you have people like Paul who are devoting themselves to advance the gospel over the known world at the time and who are basically undivided in their intention to spread the good news.

04:18

And so, you know, there is that category of the single person that would function, you know, kind of as an exception to this rule in general.

04:27

But then I think, yeah, for the most part, I think most people would rather see a married pastor than an unmarried pastor for a wide variety of reasons in general.

04:38

Darrell Bock Why do you think that most people would look for the unmarried pastor?

04:43

Ryan Yeah, I mean, so, like, with the unmarried pastor, then, you know, I think they're dealing with the reality of, like, the same reality that the

04:50

Catholic Church is dealing with, where you have individuals who are, you know, quote -unquote, devoting themselves to celibacy.

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And then, you know, you have all these monks that are, like, denying their creational makeup, you know, how

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God designed them to be, like, the hormones that He's given them and the natural urges that He's given them.

05:07

And then you put, you know, a bunch of, like, men who've devoted themselves to celibacy in close proximity to a bunch of nuns who have also devoted themselves to celibacy, and then you end up with orphanages, you know, that are being created in secret, you know, the excessive need.

05:28

So, I mean, I think, like, for the most part, I mean, like, sexual, like, desire is, like, a significant trial for men, and marriage is meant to be an outlet for that.

05:37

And if you take a man and you expect him to suppress that, I mean, the vast majority of men are just simply not, you know, able to suppress that indefinitely, and you get yourself in a lot of problems there.

05:50

But then, I mean, I think, like, if you just think about, like, in general, how these qualifications are expected to function, like, it's expected that elders are going to be elder, right?

06:01

Like, they're not just going to be, like, very, very young people, right? And so, they're expected to function in that kind of way.

06:10

And so, you have a person who's, you know, been through some trials at that point in their life, and you can look at how they're handling their family, how they're handling those trials.

06:21

You know, I think it just says a lot about, you know, a person in general that they were that they had, like, the character necessary to even obtain a wife, right?

06:32

Uh -huh, yeah. They convince someone that they're worth living the rest of their life with.

06:42

Is that what you're saying, too? Yeah, I think so, yeah. So, I think, like, the kind of person who just, I mean, there's obviously, you know, it's a rough world out there.

06:49

So, I'm not trying to pick on people who are unwillingly single. It's a rough world out there, but, I mean, like, there is something to be said about, like, you know, you were able to convince, like, at least another person that you were worth marrying, as far as that's concerned.

07:04

You made, like, appropriate life choices to make yourself, like, a desirable person in general. You had your,

07:10

I mean, you've made those kind of decisions. I think, in general, it is, like, meant to be just, like, you know, as a generality, these are the way, generally, the things that people should be looking for, and you kind of overlook them to your, mostly to your headache.

07:27

But then, I mean, there could be, like, plenty of situations where, you know, like, a man is widowed or something like that that could definitely, like, an older man widowed, you know, been there, done that, got the t -shirt.

07:45

He may not have a wife at the moment anymore, but wanted to, you know, pass the time of thinking about such things.

07:52

And so, I think there's plenty of situations like that where, like, these aren't meant to be just, like, iron chains on a person.

08:00

And I think there's, like, legitimate situations like Paul and Jesus where you wouldn't want to basically say Paul or Jesus was disqualified from the ministry.

08:08

Darrell Bock Right, right. Now, so, in my experience, I've met a lot of people, you know, who would say that you shouldn't discriminate at all between, like, let's say you're at a church, and you've got to hire another pastor, and you're looking at two different candidates, right?

08:31

And so, one is, you know, one is married, and one is not, and they're equal in every other aspect.

08:43

You know, I've met a lot of people, especially when I was in school, who would essentially argue, like, you can't just hire the – you can't view the married thing as better than not married.

09:00

Meaning, like, you can't – essentially, what they're trying to say is, like, hey, you can't let, like, oh, just because this person isn't married be, like, a determining factor in deciding, hey, we're not going to hire you.

09:11

So, if you were in that situation, they're equal in every way, but then one's married and one is not, who would you pick?

09:18

Or would it just be a, you know, flip of a coin at that point for you? Jared Well, that's an interesting question, and I would say

09:26

I want to go in two different directions at once. But I want to – so,

09:34

I don't accept the logic that you can't discriminate. So, I would start by saying that.

09:40

Like, I don't accept the logic that you can't discriminate. Um, meaning, like, you know,

09:45

I would just say, well, I'll discriminate if I want to. Both laugh.

09:56

Jared No, you know, don't tell me what to do, you know, if I want to discriminate at will. So, you know, but yeah, so,

10:02

I don't accept that as, like, a morally binding thing.

10:08

Pete Law or something, yeah. Jared Yeah, like, I mean, like, meaning, like, you know, you're telling me I can't discriminate on the basis of marital status.

10:16

I think you're going too far, you know, like, with that kind of thing. So, meaning, like,

10:22

I think the logic of the qualifications in general are – they're qualifications that, like, a big part of it is he must manage his own house so well with all dignity, keeping his children submissive.

10:34

Um, like, I think that is a resume booster for an individual for a reason.

10:41

And I say that being a person who, you know, I wasn't married at the beginning of my seminary. I got married in the middle of seminary.

10:46

And there was a lot of pressure for seminary people to get married for this very reason because they thought they would be unhirable if they didn't get married.

10:56

And I didn't necessarily resent that, you know. I'm not the kind of person who just, like, thinks in terms of egalitarian fairness.

11:05

I mean, it's like, man, I would like to get married. So, I'm not, you know. You know, but like if a church – like, the thing was, like, if a church looked at me as unhirable because I wasn't married,

11:19

I wasn't, like, going to pitch a fit and be a baby about it. You get what I'm saying? You know, like, so I don't really, like, respect that kind of whiny, fussy person who thinks like that.

11:28

Oh, it's not fair. Everything has to be fair and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, well, I think there's like, you know, on balance of probability, like, there's a lot of, like, whether or not this is meant – like, that one feature is meant to be an absolute law in that way.

11:45

I don't know that I'd be willing to say that because I don't want to disqualify Jesus or Paul. So, I think one woman, man – like, reading it in the language of one woman, man helps in that way.

11:56

Meaning, like, you know, you don't have a – like, if you're just viewing that more, like, in the language of you don't have a guy who has eyes for every, you know, woman he sees or something like that,

12:07

I think that that's kind of the intention. Like, he's sexually pure. I think that's generally what's – like, you want someone who's pure.

12:15

But, I mean, like, a wife is a great safeguard for those kind of things. Like, a good wife is a great safeguard for that kind of thing.

12:21

She's a healthy outlet. For a man, right? She's a source of provision for a man in that kind of way.

12:28

And, like, a family – like, a man who gets married, has children – like, this is going to be, like, very much a – like, regardless of what a person says, like, that is going to be something that is going to be a significant help to him in even doing his job, okay?

12:49

So, meaning, like, it is like a resume booster. So, the Bible says it's not good for a man to be alone. So, God's going to provide a helper fit for him, a helper suitable for him.

12:58

And, like, you know, behind every good man is a good woman, right? And behind every good woman is – or, you know, in front of every – not behind, but in front of every good – is a good man, so to speak.

13:11

And so, like, I think, like, I would argue that, you know, they're probably not equally qualified.

13:18

Does that make sense? Uh, yeah, the married and unmarried proponent for pastor.

13:25

Yeah, I wouldn't think that it would be – like, if you're saying, hey, they're equally qualified, you would probably, like, be having to point to, like, a very – like, in a very limited sense.

13:35

Oh, they preach equally well. They both have a same doctrinal standard, right? Right, yeah. Like, we have no cause for accusation against them.

13:43

They're both equally gifted in terms of teaching, but then, like, are they equally qualified?

13:49

Well, I think that, you know, that woman probably made that man into a lot better man than he would have been on his own and, like, has given him a lot more insight into how to minister to married people, right, which most of his congregation is going to be.

14:04

And, you know, has probably worked to – like, in terms of just seeing how he lives in private, she's probably worked out a lot of his rough edges in a way that the unmarried guy probably doesn't have, you know?

14:15

So it's not intuitively obvious to me that, like, there's not a lot of ways in which the married guy would probably be benefited by that woman, by the presence of, like, living in close proximity to that woman in a way that the other one hasn't really been tested yet in those ways, you know?

14:30

Yeah. And doesn't have, like, an inbuilt, like, accountability in his life that can call him on, like, things that he could hide on his own, you know?

14:41

Right. So, yeah, no, I don't – I have a – I don't view the – the point is

14:48

I don't view the passages, like, that qualification as, like, an absolute law because I wouldn't want to restrict

14:55

Jesus or Paul, but then at the same time, I could see overwhelmingly why, like, in the vast majority of cases, it – you know, you ignore it to your peril, basically.

15:04

Right. And do you – you know, a lot of – a lot of the people that I interacted with that really, really were scandalized by the idea that, you know, a pastor really should be married and, you know, in most – in most scenarios, you know, a lot of the people who are – who are arguing that they don't have to be married were younger guys who really their only thing was they just hadn't found a wife yet.

15:38

They were – they were people who wanted a wife. You know, they weren't – they weren't, like, you know, I think we've talked about this before, but when it comes to the celibate thing, typically when you're the person who is, like, hey,

15:51

I – you know, I don't – I don't need a spouse. You're the kind of person who doesn't really have, like, sexual desires in the way that most normal people have them, right?

16:04

And – and so – but these aren't those guys. Like, they want a wife, you know, and everything that is entailed with finding a wife, but they just haven't yet.

16:16

And so, they're just – they're sort of like, hey, well, I just haven't found it yet. You know, that doesn't mean that you should look at me as, like, unhirable, right?

16:25

But then, for you, if you were hiring someone, would you be at all, like, nervous about, like, hey, you know,

16:34

I'm hiring an unmarried pastor and, you know, like you said, there's not, like, this inbuilt – there's not this inbuilt accountability that is had there by not having a wife to protect this – to protect this man from potential downfalls or pitfalls.

16:56

Is that something that you – is that something that, like, makes you wary and makes you think, like, well, is there anyone else that I can hire that is married and I don't have to worry about that quite as much?

17:08

Or is it – Jared I think churches are rightfully nervous about that kind of thing, and I think –

17:14

I mean, the kind of people who are making those kind of cases are typically, you know, young guys who are in seminary or in Bible college.

17:23

That was my experience, yeah. Jared Yeah, I mean, that was my experience too. But, I mean, even when I was in that stage of life,

17:29

I didn't think that was a good argument. Do you get what I'm saying? Pete Right. Jared So, even when

17:34

I was in that stage, I thought, like, to myself, like, oh, no, like, it's not good for a man to be alone.

17:40

Like, part of the reason I wanted to get married is because I thought that that would help me to be more of a complete person, right?

17:51

Like, because I do think that God, like, that's the way – like, regardless of whether or not there's some category for, you know, celibacy, right?

18:02

Like, I think there obviously is, but it's, like, way overblown, right? So, it's like there's, like, a category for maybe, like, 0 .01

18:09

% of Christians or something, 0 .001 % of Christians, like, that really meet those biblical criteria.

18:17

But then you're living in a society that despises marriage and marriage, like, first -time marriage rates are on the rise, and then they have no sense of urgency, you know, most of it, which is because most of the guys are, like, addicted to porn, and then the ladies are, like, wanting to be career women and don't want to, you know, get married or have kids and everything else.

18:35

And so, there's problems both ways. And then that leads to, like, you know, a dramatic increase in the rates of first -time marriages to where, you know, marriage rates are plummeting and all that.

18:45

And then in that kind of society, then everyone's demanded, you know, you need to have sensitivity, like, primarily towards, like, the sensitive person, and you don't want to other them, right?

18:55

You don't want to tell them as if they're, like, there's anything abnormal about, you know, being unmarried.

19:01

But then, like, from a biblical worldview, no, this is absolutely an abnormal state, and it's an affliction.

19:07

It's a trial. It's not according to God's design. And, you know, like,

19:12

I think, yes, women left on their own, they don't end up turning out very well, and men left on their own, they don't end up turning out very well, and you need to put them together in order to make them, like, turn out better, right?

19:26

So, like, that's the point. And so, you know, to, like, all of my, you know, single friends who were unwillingly single and arguing this kind of stuff in Bible college and seminary, after most of them finally got married, you look at them, and you think, oh, man, they've gotten a lot more responsible.

19:46

They grow up. You know? Darrell Bock Their life is a testament to how poor their argument probably was.

19:54

Greg Love Yeah. I mean, it's like, oh, man, like, you know, I think my –

20:03

I could just tell a personal story like this just to kind of make the point or whatever, but one of my mentors who married me, one of my counseling mentors or whatever, he observed me about six months after marriage, and he said, you know,

20:20

Tim, you look a lot better, you know, than you did in seminary. You look healthier, you know?

20:27

Like, you've been sleeping more. Like, and, you know, what had happened was, like, what had happened was, like,

20:35

I, you know, I slept three or four hours a night for, like, four years during seminary, and, you know, it was even worse when

20:44

I was in, you know, Bible college and all that. But, you know, and I was barely eating anything, like, because I was so broke.

20:50

I, you know, like, I didn't know where my next meal was coming from. I had to survive on, like, energy drinks and ramen noodles and everything else.

20:59

And, you know, so, like, I looked like I was dead tired, exhausted, and I was so sleep deprived to the point where, like,

21:06

I could barely think at times. And he's like, man, Tim, you look a lot better. And what had happened was I got married, and I'm trying to operate on my same schedule, and my wife, like, she wasn't having it, you know?

21:16

She's like – she's like, I am not going to bed by myself every night while you stay up all night and study.

21:26

And I just thought, I guess I'm just going to have to do worse on these tests, you know? But I ended up sleeping more, and, like,

21:33

I wasn't so sleep deprived, and I didn't, you know, push myself so hard, like, in that way. And I got the same grades, you know?

21:40

I think I was pushing myself really hard, but I wasn't retaining as much. And, you know, but he looked at me, and he thought, man, you just – you look a lot better, you know, than what you did.

21:50

But, I mean, all my friends, like, you know, they go from, you know, living in these, you know, sloppy dorms and dressing sloppy and, you know, looking like college kids, you know, kind of thing, to all of a sudden, like, their wives, like, got them cleaned up and respectable looking pretty quickly, you know?

22:06

And then they learned, like, you do – it does take a lot of work to learn how to live with a woman, you know, where you're used to just hanging out with men.

22:15

And, I mean, like, it's a help. It's a help. So. So, at the end of the day, yes, it is better to be married and be a pastor.

22:25

It's better. It's definitely better to be married and a pastor. And I think, you know, you can ignore that at your peril.

22:30

But, you know, whether – I think there's some kind of – there's – I think there's very rare scenarios there that, like,

22:37

Jesus and Paul, but the vast majority of cases, you do well to just go with what is saying.

22:43

Okay. Fair enough. If you've ever been

23:14

Bible -bashed personally, then please know that we also offer free biblical counseling, which you can take advantage of by emailing us.

23:21

Now, go boldly and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually offended by your every move.