TLP 498: Parenting and Consequences, Part 4 | giving secondary consequences

When it comes time to give a consequence to your child, I want you to remember three words type tax and time. Parenting isn't about us. In fact parenting isn't even about our kids. Parenting is just one way Christian dads and moms are to worship God.

So welcome to the truth love parent podcast where we train dads and moms to give God the preeminence in their parenting. Okay, so welcome back to our parenting and consequences series. I'm your host a .m. Brewster and not only is this part four of the series.

But say it's actually part two of last week's episode because there was just too much information. So if you're just joining us Thank you for taking the time to check out truth love parent. Just make sure you go back to the beginning of the series and work through all the episodes in order to really understand and be Able to use the information we're discussing and since just like last time there's so much information we want to cover.

In fact, I have a feeling that's just gonna be a really long episode. Let's get started first a definition of secondary consequences. Secondary consequences are physical and relational consequences given by an authority that are used to point back to the spiritual consequences of sin.

Second the theological foundation of secondary consequences. Secondary consequences are not punishment. They are divinely ordained tool that follows the primary spiritual consequences and helps to teach the primary spiritual lessons.

This involves speaking God's truth and God's love in such a way that the consequences unmistakably points to the primary consequences specifically that sin hurts our relationships with God our relationship with others and ourselves and.

Type, Tax, and Time in Christ-Honoring Discipline

So we're now ready to talk about third practical considerations when giving secondary consequences. When it comes time to give a consequence to your child, I want you to remember three words type tax and time.

The word type refers to the category of consequence the kind of consequence we'll talk about some of these shortly. Tax refers to the weight or intensity of the consequence and time deals with the duration of the consequence.

Each of these are important considerations when it comes to giving valuable Christ honoring secondary consequences. We will consider type tax and time with each of the following principles. Number one all of your discipline must be conversational.

This is what I call targeted reconciliation. It's not lecturing or haranguing or remonstrating its teaching and reproving that will hopefully lead to correcting and training. By the way, we have various episodes about each of these steps.

Please check out the description for links to those resources. I also have a resource on the celebration of God called discipleship requires conversation. But why must we converse with our kids when they do wrong?

In Matthew 18 15 through 17 Jesus says if your brother sins go and show him his fault in private if he listens to you. You have won your brother but if he does not listen to you take one or two more with you so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every Fact may be confirmed.

If he refuses to listen to them tell it to the church and if he refuses to listen even to the church let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector a Very necessary consequence of sin is that mature believers confront the one in sin.

If we know about our children's sin, this type of consequence must always be employed one way or another. In James 5 19 through 20, we read my brethren. If any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back.

Let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. All throughout the New Testament. We are told that we need to speak the truth in love.

Admonish rebuke reprove correct teach discipline and so many others and These conversations should be a two-way street with participation from all sides questions answers and discussion. And there are so many illustrations of this in the Bible from Jesus to Timothy.

One good example is Galatians 2 11 where Paul tells us that when he ran into Peter in Antioch Paul opposed Peter to his face because he stood condemned. Peter had hypocritically stopped fellowshipping with Gentile believers who didn't follow Jewish customs and then in verses 14 through 21 Paul records what he said to Peter in the presence of the church and It's a parent's responsibility to teach their children about God and when the kids don't submit.

They need to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord and all of that involves talking. Again, this isn't nagging or complaining or badgering. This is Ephesians 4 15 speaking the truth in love.

We are to grow up in all aspects and to him who is the head even Christ? It's God's truth in God's love for God's glory by being conformed to God's image. As we're going to see later, there may be times when you don't have to give physical or relational consequences at all.

But like I said, this consequence is always necessary. Even if the child sinned behind your back you didn't know about it. But the child was convicted and came to you and confessed and apologized and wants to repent you the parent are going to need to interact with that and.

The content of that conversation needs to be truth in love that helps them be successful and maturing to God's glory. It's all about targeted reconciliation. Now we hope and pray that our kids will learn from our teaching and that they will seek to please God.

But we know they're sinners. So we hope and pray that they will learn from the spiritual primary consequences and not need the physical or relational secondary consequences to mature. But if they still don't care about submitting to God, then we may need to introduce some additional relational consequences so number two all of your discipline must be uncomfortable in Jeremiah 17 9 through 10.

God says the heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick who can understand it. I the Lord searched the heart. I test the mind even to give to each man according to his ways according to the results of his deeds.

So what does sin deserve? There's an interesting guiding principle from Galatians 6a that is helpful when we consider giving appropriate consequences. In Galatians Paul writes for the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap.

Corruption the Greek word translated corruption refers to destruction pain and death. Of course, this isn't an admonishment to kill people when they sin, but it does remind us of an important truth. We learned last time from Hebrews 12.

The best way to draw attention to the painful spiritual consequences is to utilize painful physical or relational consequences. That's what sin reaps. It reaps pain. It reaps corruption and in an eternal sense.

It reaps death. The verses concerning the rod also speak to the painful necessity of consequences. But then again the natural sowing reaping reality of the world teaches us this too in Proverbs 1 18. We learn but they lie in wait for their own blood.

They ambush their own lives. So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence it takes away the life of its possessors and In Matthew 26 52 Jesus said to him put your sword back into its place. For all those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword.

My friends if you cannot bring yourself to introduce a little pain into your child's life in order to help them learn the eternally necessary Spiritual lessons that will keep them from much more worse pain in the future.

Then you're not only rejecting God's Word. You're also rejecting common sense science and anthropology. People don't learn best by comfort. They learn best by discomfort. Some of the most significant times of spiritual maturity occur in the valley of the shadow of death.

Suffering and persecution and trials all have amazing ways of refining people. Of course, we should never want to merely inflict pain on our kids. It's not about finding pleasure hurting them. That's wicked and violent.

No, we simply introduce enough painful stimuli to help focus the child on what really matters. Even if it's just being confronted with God's truth and love through targeted reconciliation. That's uncomfortable.

It brings shame and guilt and Lord willing will lead to grief. By the way, check out our children and shame series to see how God intends to use good shame in a valuable way in your child's life. Now though physical and or relational pain may be an appropriate type of consequence We must also consider the tax and the time of such consequences.

All three must work together to find the right balance. The government shouldn't remove someone's child from their home because the individual racked up thousands of dollars in speeding tickets. That's the wrong type of consequences.

Governments shouldn't kill people for jaywalking. That's an example of a consequence being too taxing, too weighty. The government also shouldn't make someone spend 50 years in prison for a crime that should have earned them only five years in prison.

That's an inappropriate amount of time. So we always need to be searching for and balancing out the type, tax, and time of each consequence. If the type, tax, and time are too extreme, we're likely in punishment mode.

At best, we're being very foolish. On the other hand, to allow our children to constantly dodge painful physical and relational consequences is to lie to them about the way God created the world to work.

We propound this lie to our kids and we don't give them Christ-honoring consequences for their sin. And when we do everything in our power to shield them from the consequences others would give them.

But there are so many options for appropriate Christ-honoring painful discipline. There are so many potential types, amounts of taxation, and time. How are we to know what's right? For this next part, I want to consider number three, your discipline may need to be physical.

Physical Consequences: Pain, Blessing Removed, and Blessing Withheld

Discipline needs to be conversational and uncomfortable because sin always hurts and it always needs to be confronted. But additional physical and relational consequences aren't always necessary. Here are some examples of times when you may be able to legitimately pass on physical and or relational secondary consequences.

First, the child doesn't know that what they did or said was sinful. When I worked at Victory Academy for Boys, many times new boys would mindlessly take the Lord's name in vain. I never knew what they had been taught.

For all I knew, everyone in their lives did that. It was no big deal. So I would, in a very chill manner, address the issue without giving a consequence. Second, it was the child's first offense. None of us get everything right the first time, so depending on their age, maturity, and the like, I may not give a secondary consequence the first or even the second or third times.

Third, the child has clearly seen the primary consequences of their sin and they have learned of the lesson God has for them. Now there's a lot of subjectivity to this one. But it does happen and I think that when someone has been crushed by their sin and they come to you for reconciliation.

Then yes, there are times that secondary consequences aren't needed. Of course, there are kids who like to fake spiritual awakening as an attempt to avoid consequences. I've experienced a lot of that working with at-risk teens.

And we mustn't forget that it's not appropriate to give no consequences to a murderer simply because they promise they've learned their lesson. Even if that murderer has been genuinely converted, recognizes the horrendous nature of their sin before man and God, and will legitimately never kill anyone again, there needs to be a consequence for their sin.

Fourth, it was the child's first offense in a long time. If my child used to get in trouble all the time for talking in class. But they've repented and are striving to glorify God and have consequently not gotten in trouble for talking in class for over a month.

I might not give a secondary consequence the first time they slip. And fifth, you're choosing to use this as a calculated moment to show mercy and grace and we'll talk more about this point at the end.

Otherwise, and generally speaking, we will find ourselves having to give our kids physical consequences for their sin. But how do you know what to do? Well, have you ever looked to the scriptures for ideas about Christ honoring secondary consequences?

I did and it's really quite enlightening. In fact, I once had a conversation with someone who thought that giving consequences to people was ungodly. When I walked this individual through just a handful of examples of how God has historically dealt with sin and how he will deal with It in the future, this person completely changed their perspective.

The truth really does set us free when we embrace it. So let's look into the scriptures for our instruction. Of course, some of these are going to be examples of penal punishment. But I'm obviously not sharing them because I think it's appropriate to punish our kids it's simply an example of the types of physical consequences we may receive for our sin.

A. Physical pain. I won't belabor this point. But yes, as we've already seen Christ honoring spanking has its place. I'm not talking about pinching, smacking, punching, kicking or the like. Historically the application of the rod has always been to the softest area and the largest muscle of the body.

It's not designed to break, cut or bruise. It's a mild to moderate pain designed to teach that sin hurts. Of course, though spanking is often an appropriate option. It's not the only physical consequence we can use and though we don't have time to talk about it today I will say that it's not always even the best physical consequence to use but that doesn't mean that all spanking is wrong.

Moving on. Letter B. Removing blessing. Let's go all the way back to the very first sin. When Adam and Eve broke God's only command There were a number of consequences. One of the consequences was that they were ushered out of the Garden of Eden and lost access to the tree of life.

They also lost the ease of caring for the creation. When David committed adultery with Bathsheba, 2nd Samuel 11 tells us that one of the consequences for their sin Is that they would lose the baby born out of that sinful encounter.

This is also how God dealt with the nation of Israel as a whole. When they turned to worshiping idols God removed the protection and provision he had been giving them. And all throughout the New Testament Jesus shared what we call the parable of the talents.

As the parable unfolded the servants who invested their talents, a form of currency, Were rewarded according to how well they had done. Those who doubled their money were given access to even more. But the one who hid the money in a hole in the ground was rebuked and Matthew 25 28 says that one of the consequences Was that that talent would be taken away from the unfaithful servant and given to the servant who had made the most money.

In fact now that I think about it many of the parables concerning servants had similar themes. The ones who were unfaithful were always stripped of something sometimes their position sometimes their freedom and sometimes their life.

This same principle undergirds the entire judicial system in Old Testament Israel where sin would result in the loss of finances or influence or even sometimes one's life. So what kinds of sins might our children commit where it would be appropriate to remove physical blessings?

Well, Adam, Eve, David, and Bathsheba were all guilty of taking something that didn't belong to them. The unfaithful servant didn't use wisely what he was given. Other unfaithful servants abused what they were given.

Quite often these consequences work well when a child has abused a possession or relationship or privilege. Removing the abused blessing is very helpful to keep the focus of the consequence on the main thing and may likely be a very helpful Part of them learning to use that blessing in a Christ honoring way in the future.

For example last time I used the illustration of a daughter who continues to break curfew. Removing the blessing of being able to go out by herself in the evenings could be a great choice. But when we look in the scriptures, we also see letter B withholding blessing.

With the second point something that was already possessed was removed. In this point something that would have been possessed in the future Was withheld. Again, let's consider Adam and Eve when they lost access to the tree of life.

They were stripped of the potential for the eternal life afforded by the tree. Of course, they still had access to a relationship with God through faith in the future Messiah. But part of their consequence was a blessing withheld.

Eve also lost the future potential of bearing children without pain. And then in Deuteronomy 32, we learned that because Moses didn't obey the Lord He wasn't allowed to enter the promised land. Of course, the Israelites who didn't trust God on the border of the promised land weren't allowed to enter either.

In 2 Thessalonians 3 10, we learned that if anyone is not willing to work then he is not to eat either. Though I don't believe it's ever appropriate for a parent to not give their child sufficient nourishment this too illustrates the appropriateness of withholding a future blessing.

And. Then there's first Corinthians 6 9 through 10 or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor effeminate nor homosexuals or thieves nor the covetous nor drunkards.

Nor revilers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. Unrepentant sin loses the future blessings of eternity with God. When it comes to knowing the best time to use consequences like this consider Luke 16 10 where Jesus said he who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much and he who is unrighteous and A very little thing is unrighteous also in much if the child has shown themselves incapable of glorifying God with their technology.

Like computers and game systems, then it might be valuable to withhold their access to a future mobile phone. In the example of the daughter in the curfew if she were working toward purchasing a car of her own.

But she repeatedly showed that she was negligent and disobedient when it came to borrowing her parents car. Then not allowing her to purchase her own car for a time may be a very helpful part of her learning to submit to God.

Okay, so those are the big three types of Christ honoring physical consequences. We see illustrated in the scriptures physical pain removing blessing and withholding blessing. Pretty much everything from spankings to groundings to confiscating toys.

Tech to sitting in timeout to losing privileges can all be done for the good of the child and the glory of God if it's done the right way. But there is another main type of consequence number four your discipline may need to be relational.

Relational Consequences, Fellowship, and Family Shame

First just like I said earlier, there are times that a person's sin will have relational consequences. But we may not always have to instigate them ourselves. Second, please hear me out. I'm not saying that we disown our kids that we write them off or that we give them the silent treatment when they sin.

None of that is appropriate. That's not what we're talking about here at all. In fact, Ephesians 6 4 and Colossians 3 21 talk about parents not provoking their children to wrath so that they lose heart.

I did an episode called provocative parenting that worked through those two passages in order to help us understand about what God was warning us. I'll put a link in the description if you'd like to find that episode easily.

The point is God was warning parents about passing final judgment on their kids and giving up on them. That would be to sin against our kids relationally. So no relational consequences must not be sinful or hurtful.

But there are legitimate relational consequences that can be very helpful in equipping children to recognize the primary Consequences and learn the spiritual lessons God wants them to learn. The first relational consequence I want to look at is letter a removing blessing in 1st John 1 5 through 9.

We read this is the message. We have heard from him and announced to you that God is light and in him. There is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness we lie and do not practice the truth.

But if we walk in the light as he himself is in the light We have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus his son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin We are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. When we live in sin, we miss out on fellowship with God. The current fellowship is removed but any future fellowship is also withheld until reconciliation is sought.

And praise God that he's ordained a way for us to have that fellowship restored. Now the removal or limiting a fellowship has a very specific application. We need to understand what fellowship is and it's also appropriate to limit that fellowship when our kids are living in unrepentant sin.

The moment true reconciliation is sought though fellowship must be reinstated. Remember that the passage said when we confess our sins He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins when our kids are living in the light.

They will have fellowship with God and us. By the way, fellowship is an intimate relationship. That is only possible for reconciled believers. It's impossible for Christians to fellowship with unbelievers and God commands us to not even fellowship with believers who are living in unrepentant sin.

But when forgiveness is granted Fellowship must always be restored. Another way we may have to remove a blessing is actually more about Communicating to our kids the fact that the relational consequence has already occurred.

When our kids sin, they lose the joy their parents had in them. What do I mean? Proverbs 15 20 says a wise son makes a father glad but a foolish man despises his mother. Proverbs 17 21 reads he who sires a fool does so to his own sorrow and the father of a fool has no joy.

Proverbs 28 7 tells us he who keeps the law is a discerning son but he who has a companion of gluttons humiliates his father and Proverbs 29 15 laments that a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.

It will sometimes be necessary to make it very clear to your child that you are ashamed of them that their behavior has brought you No joy, and that has caused you pain and grief. That parental pride and joy may need to be set on the shelf for a time.

It's not that we stop loving our kids that again would be a sin. But when we interact with them We shouldn't try to hide the fact that their sin has had a significant impact on their relationship with you.

The grief and shame and pain is real. It can be valuable to communicate that to your child. So they don't miss the very real consequences of their sin. But remember you don't want to use any consequences, especially relational consequences as a way to manipulate your child.

It's not designed to wrench their emotions and make them feel bad about hurting you. So when it comes to communicating these relational consequences, make sure that it starts and ends with God. Here's an example.

Son in addition to all the other spiritual consequences God designed creation so that your rebellion would strain and hurt the most important most valuable relationships in your life. You know how important parents are.

We've talked about it before. We're not perfect. But when we do our best to bring you up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. That is a blessing to you. That should be one of the strongest and closest relationships in your life.

But your rebellion is grieving us. Proverbs 17 21 reads he who sires a fool does so to his own sorrow and the father of a fool has no joy. Well, that's where we are. Your sin is straining our relationship with you and it's not nearly as valuable as it could be in Addition, we're saddened for you.

And though we love you dearly. We are ashamed of the choices you're making. But our shame is not the reason you should obey. Your sin should cause you to feel ashamed because you're not just sitting against Me and your mother most importantly you're rebelling against God.

I hope that example is helpful for you. Letter B withholding blessing in Genesis. We encounter a sad moment when one of Noah's sons did something very inappropriate to his father. One of the consequences of the young man's sin was that instead of receiving a blessing Noah actually cursed his son.

Now we don't have time to talk about parental blessings and I don't want to muddy the waters here. I'm simply using it as a biblical example that a child's sin may need to result in them losing a future relational blessing.

It may be financial it may be time investment it may not being able to participate in a recreational activity or numerous other possibilities. A Similar thing happened with Isaac when it came to blessing his sons.

What's interesting about that situation was that Esau lost out on his unique blessing because of his brother's sin. Again, I don't want to pigeonhole us into thinking that because one child sinned another child now needs to be penalized.

But the biblical illustration is helpful to help us think deeply about consequences. The daughter who stayed out too late driving around town may have burned through the gasoline and not had time to refill it as she Raced back home and now on Saturday her older brother was going to use the car.

But there's nothing but fumes in the tank. The older brother is experiencing physical and relational consequences because of her sin. That's not something we parents need to make happen, but it is a reality of sin.

And then consider Proverbs 1 27 to 32 when distress and anguish come upon you then they will call on me. But I will not answer. They will seek me diligently. But they will not find me because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the Lord.

They would not accept my counsel. They spurned all my reproof so they shall eat of the fruit of their own way and be satiated with their own devices for the waywardness of the naive will Kill them and the complacency of fools will destroy them.

This passage is a personification of wisdom if someone rejects wisdom when they finally realize they need her. They won't have her and in the same way like the prodigal child when a child distances herself from God's people.

She is cutting off important lifelines and the blessings of redemptive relationships. I've had the unfortunate experience of counseling parents not to post their children's bail. I've worked with parents who realized that the child had gotten himself into a very bad situation because he refused to submit to God's wisdom and.

In certain situations, there's value in making the child dig their way out of the proverbial hole in which they found themselves. As you can see withholding blessing can be very valuable when we carefully choose the right consequence to accompany the lesson God and we are trying to teach them.

Personal, Consistent, and Merciful Discipline

Okay, so a quick review. Number one, all of your discipline must be conversational. Two, all of your discipline must be uncomfortable. Three, your discipline may need to be physical and four, your discipline may need to be relational.

But there's another very important consideration when it comes to choosing valuable beneficial consequences. In fact when I'm working with parents or my own kids for that matter, this ends up being one of the most impactful considerations.

We know consequences have to be uncomfortable and they may be physical and or relational per the biblical examples. But number five, your discipline must be personal. What I mean by this is that the discipline needs to be suited to your child.

The most valuable consequences are the ones that clearly point back to the spiritual realities of the sin. Both the primary consequences and the main lessons. God wants your children to learn, but they don't only do that.

They should also be specific to the individual. As you scan the scriptures You see countless actions and reactions primary consequences and so many secondary consequences on every page even the genealogies.

But rarely do you have an opportunity to see this particular point illustrated. But thankfully we have Jonah. As most of you know, God sent Jonah to Nineveh to preach repentance. But Jonah hated the Ninevites and didn't want them to receive God's grace.

So he ran away, but you can't escape God. So while he was sailing to Tarshish God sent a massive storm. When the superstitious crew correctly recognized that the storm was a result of one of their misdeeds Jonah fessed up and offered to be thrown overboard.

And I'm sure we're all familiar with the fact that God sent a huge fish to swallow Jonah and transport him back to where he Needed to be. Now that particular consequence could in theory have been appropriate to anyone in that time period in that situation.

It made sense that someone thrown overboard would need to be rescued in the ocean. And it was a sign of God's miraculous power that he super intended the fish. And though we know that this particular consequence was just what Jonah needed because God always knows what's best for each individual God doesn't explain why he did what he did.

So fast forward Jonah did what he was supposed to do though. Begrudgingly, he preached to the Ninevites and they all repented. But the Bible says that Jonah was very angry. In chapter 4 verse 1 we read.

But it greatly displeased Jonah and he became angry. He prayed to the Lord and said please Lord was not this what I said while I was still in my own country. Therefore in order to forestall this I fled to Tarshish for I knew that you are gracious and compassionate.

God slow to anger and Abundant in loving kindness and one who were relents concerning calamity. Therefore now Oh Lord Please take my life for me for death is better to me than life. The Lord said do you have a good reason to be angry?

What's interesting is that Jonah didn't answer. Then in verse 5 we read. And then Jonah went out from the city and sat east of it there. He made a shelter for himself and sat under it in the shade until he could see what would happen in the city.

So the Lord appointed a plant and it grew up over Jonah to be a shade over his head to deliver him from his Discomfort and Jonah was extremely happy about the plant. Now believe it or not. God didn't send the plant to reward Jonah.

In fact the comfort God gave Jonah wasn't because Jonah needed the comfort to be honest God gave the comfort specifically so that he could take it away. Here's why God did what he did. One in the same way that God loves the people of Nineveh and offers them grace.

God does the same for everyone including Jonah. But two God sent the plant because he was going to give Jonah a consequence for his bad attitude anger and self-worship. Verse 7 reads. But God appointed a worm when dawn came the next day and it attacked the plant and it withered.

When the Sun came Up God appointed a scorching east wind and the Sun beat down on Jonah's head. So that he became faint and begged with all his soul to die saying death is better to me than life. And this is where we see some of the motivation for God's decisions as they relate to Jonah's personality and his need.

Verses 9 through 11 tell us then God said to Jonah. Do you have good reason to be angry about the plant? Now remember Jonah didn't answer the previous question when God asked if Jonah had a good reason to be angry about the Ninevites repenting.

But Jonah believed he did have a good reason to be angry this time. And he said I have good reason to be angry even to death and this is where God shows us some of his reasoning. Then the Lord said you had compassion on the plant for which you did not work and which you did not cause to grow which Came up overnight and perished overnight.

Should I not have compassion on Nineveh the great city in which there are more than? 120 ,000 persons who do not know the difference between their right and left hand as well as many animals. Jonah's sinful choices.

How he felt about the plant for which he could take no credit. The primary consequences Jonah had already brought on himself because of his repeated sins and the desperately important truth God wanted Jonah to learn all coalesced perfectly when God took away Jonah's plant a Couple days ago.

I was addressing a sinful habit. My kids have had for years. I won't go into the details but suffice it to say that it involves their behavior when they are both interacting with one particular activity.