TLP 482: The 5 Types of Parents | Dr. Joe Martin interview

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I remember when I wasn't a parent, I said, God, don't let me be those kind of parents. And God bless them because they love their children so much, but they don't realize that.

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Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids. Parenting is just one way

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Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth Love Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

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God the preeminence in their parenting. I'm your host, A .M. Brewster, and today we revisit a really important discussion

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I had with Dr. Joe Martin from Real Men Connect. A number of years ago, I was invited onto his podcast to talk about five ways to better understand your child.

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And then I asked him to join me to discuss another five, the five types of parents. And his approach to this topic is different than my five parenting styles discussion from our fifth way to parent series.

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Now today's episode is actually part one of the discussion, but instead of publishing part two next week, I'm going to provide a link for it in the description of today's episode so you can check it out right away.

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And you don't even have to wait. I'll also have links there to listen to the fifth way to parent series, as well as Dr.

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Martin's and my discussion about five ways to better understand your child. And I'm going to attach a document that provides additional resources for each of the five parents

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Dr. Martin and I will discuss today. So if while listening, you're able to identify which parent you tend to be, the accompanying resources should be a blessing for you.

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It's going to be a fantastic conversation with a lot of great application. Joe has a fantastic testimony, which will be unwrapped,

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I believe, in the over the course of this episode and the next episode. He's the creator and the director of Real Men Connect, which is a ministry dedicated to helping men become the best husbands, fathers and leaders that they can be.

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His favorite slogan, and I listen to him say it every time. I don't know about you, but sometimes you're listening to a podcast and you get to the end, you know what they're going to say, and you just kind of stop it there.

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You skip to the next one. I always listen to Joe and his show with we are males by birth, but we are men by choice.

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So each and every day choose to be the man God called and created you to be. And I listen to it because that's what we need.

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We need to be intentional. We need to be premeditated. And that's his call to us to be the men, to be the moms, to be the parents that God called and created us to be.

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Now, you ladies may be wondering, is this going to be a boys only episode?

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No, ma 'am. That could not be further from the truth. Joe recently did a podcast series called Man's Greatest Challenge as part of the

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Real Men Check -In. He later turned that material into a blog post called The Five Types of Men.

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But I asked him a few months ago if he'd be interested in coming on the show and build out those five concepts and apply them to dads and moms.

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So that's why he's here today. It's for all of us. It's the men and the women. So without any further ado, please welcome

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Dr. Joe Martin. I'm Aaron. I'm glad to be talking with you about this very, very important topic, man.

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Thank you so much for having me as a guest. Now, I know I just mentioned it, but I want you to go ahead and share your heartbeat for your ministry.

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I want you to tell us about it in a way that I couldn't possibly because I want you to kind of share your passion for what it is you're doing and why you're doing it.

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I thought you did a great job, but I guess to summarize it the best way, I would just say that what we do at Real Men Connect, we help good men become great men, but we help them do it

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God's way. And we do it by helping them win at what matters most, you know, men love to win.

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So we help them win at what matters most. And to me, what matters most is their love relationship, not only with the father in heaven, but also with their wife, obviously, their labor and what they do for a living and the work that they do, their leadership and how they lead and disciple and discipline their children as well as the legacy, the legacy that they leave behind when they're gone.

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So that's what we do. We help Christian men win at what matters most. And I'll say of all the episodes

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I've listened to, one of the ones that sticks out in my mind the most is where you've called guys and some of your guests, he has special guests every week.

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And these men are so amazingly used by God, but you and these other men have called the men you're ministering to, to be involved in community.

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You talk about having your, your Paul, your Timothy, your Barnabas. And that has been so powerful for me because I think

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I fell into the same trap that lots of people fall into, where we're trying to do it on our own, by ourselves, solo.

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And that never works. God didn't create us to work that way. So one of the ways that you've helped me to become a better man, maybe

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I'm not a great man just yet, but a better man has been specifically through that of encouraging me in community.

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So I want to, I want to thank you for that. You know, I tried to get men to understand that no good man has ever become a great man without the help of godly men.

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And Aaron, let me say that one more time because I think we can miss that. And you know, you said we're also talking to moms today too, but I will say the same that goes for moms too.

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No good man can become a great man without the help of godly men.

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And all you have to do is just look at history. Look at the Bible and what you'll see that every behind every great godly man, there were some other godly men.

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And so men are only as strong as their team. And so that's why we always talk about community so much, what you were referring to, because a man is only as strong as his team.

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If you just think about it, the simple way is if you were getting ready to move and relocate, I'm sure you can move your furniture yourself, but it'd be a lot easier to do it.

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If you had a team of guys helping you move your furniture, wouldn't you think? And so my thing is to get men to get into community so they can build their team.

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And the same applies for women as well. Amen. All right. Now on your show,

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I just want you to know, you do a great job of introducing your guests and I kind of want to repay that kindness for you as well.

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And, uh, but also maybe steal a blessing for ourselves in the process. Uh, for the listeners here, Joe, always ask guys what their favorite

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Bible verses are. So I want to ask you, Joe, what specific Bible verse is God using to guide you in this particular season of your life?

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You know, my right now, my spiritual father would be laughing if he heard me tell you this, because every time

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I call him and I'm struggling or going through something, whether it be, um, in my, my marriage with my kids in ministry, he always gives me the same advice.

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And he quotes this scripture, which is now the scripture that I'm sharing with you. That's why I say he laughed is

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Matthew 6 33, Matthew 6 33, seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.

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He's told my God, seek his kingdom and his righteousness, Joe Martin, and all things will be added unto you.

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Because to me it's the answer to every problem I have in every

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God thing I desire. And I say he would laugh because I used to get mad at him because that's all he would tell me every time,

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Joe, seek him, Joe, you got to seek him. And so, but I get it now. I understand now that it's the answer to every problem that I face in every

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God thing that I desire. And I challenge anyone out there to think about that for a second.

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Anything you will all means everything. So anything I want, anything I desire that is of God and of God's will.

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He says, if you seek him first, his kingdom and his righteousness, he says he will give all those things to you.

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So that's, that's the verse that I stand on in this season right now. Oh, thank you. That was so encouraging for me, especially where I am.

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It's so easy now stepping into this full -time role in a truth love parent to get distracted by making a

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TLP the thing or to seek first something else. Um, but it needs to be about his kingdom and all things.

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Now, another good thing that you do an amazing thing. I think you do as you interview your guests is to really unfold their stories.

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In fact, you, um, you didn't let me off the hook when you had me on your show, you were asking me and I was like, yeah, and this is my story.

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And you're like, yeah, but Aaron, I, I, I'm not making the connection yet. I'm not really hearing how it is.

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You got where you got and you pushed me. And I'm so glad you did. Uh, because when you do this, what it does is it, it unwraps their story, but specifically to see the threads of God's hand through all of it.

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And that's the beautiful part. Um, so in a way, I want that from you too, because this is all about God.

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All right. And we want to remind people of that and I want you to be able to share that, but I'm also going to do this a little bit differently with you today than you do with your guests.

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Okay. So you've worked through this material already on your podcast and as you did that, you talked about how your testimony lines up with each of the points that we're going to talk about today and next time.

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And I kind of like you to do the same thing, share your autobiographical content of what

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God did in your life, as we talk about each one of these points. So I think with that, it'd be great if we just jumped into the material and then you kind of guide us through these first three parents today, the second,

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I'm sorry, the fourth and the fifth parent next time, and then share with us your testimony as you do so. All right. Sounds good to me.

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Sounds like a good plan. Awesome. So the first category of parents, and these are all a

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W's. If my listeners are listening, uh, I talked about five parents as well.

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And that was way back when. And, uh, I didn't alliterate it. See, you know, you know, Joe's, he's got this thing figured out.

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He's a good speaker cause he gives a, he alliterates his points and he's got five W's and the first one is Weiner. So Joe, who is the

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Weiner parent? What's going on in their lives? Well, no, the Weiner is that parent that's, um,

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I call that parent, the parent who's paralyzed by their past. They're paralyzed by the past.

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Um, they look at their, their current struggles. They blame it on their past, on their past problems.

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And these, I call them and I, and I say this affectionately because I was one, I call them the why babies, you know, why babies?

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Cause that person, that parent is a man. Why me? Um, why now? Why them?

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Why him? Why her? Um, because they're looking at what has stopped them in the past and what has hurt them in the past.

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And they're using it as an excuse of why they can't move forward. That's why I said they're paralyzed in their, their, their past.

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They're stuck in their past. You know, people say you don't want to relive the past. Well, you don't know, it's nothing wrong with looking back in the past, but you, you have to at least acknowledge what has happened.

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And so a lot of times as parents, we can use our past as excuses for future failure.

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And to kind of give you an example of me becoming a parent, I never thought I'd be a parent.

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Um, never wanted to be a parent. And that's kind of humbling when you tell your children, I never wanted to have kids.

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That's not very encouraging for them to hear that. But I tell my kids the truth. I said, no, initially I didn't want to have any children.

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And now they see me work. Before I came into men's ministry full time, I worked with kids all over the country. I was a school teacher.

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I was in education over 20 years. So how can you not want to have kids? Because I was a whiner because I looked at the world that I grew up in growing up in the projects in Miami.

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And I saw all the things that I had to go through as a child, the abuse, alcoholism, addiction, anger, abandonment, you name it.

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Um, I had to go through it who in their right mind would want to bring a child up in this. And so I, that I held on to that, thinking to myself, man,

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I'm not equipped. I can't be a parent. I'm not going to be a good enough parent because I don't have what it takes.

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Um, I can't be this because I was brought up this way. I didn't, I didn't meet a, uh, a couple.

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Give you an example, Aaron. I didn't meet a couple. Um, I met one couple by the time I graduated from high school who were married, a man and a woman living in the same house, just one.

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And they were dysfunctional. And so that didn't encourage me to want to become, get married.

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It encouraged me to have any kids. So I became a wide baby looking at my past and saying to myself,

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I can't be a parent. I can't be a good parent. And I had to overcome that because I realized now that yes, my past is real.

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And I'm hoping every parent out there who's listening to this, hear what I'm getting ready to say. I'm not telling you to deny your past. You may have come from a very painful past and your past is real, but I had to learn this, that my past explains me, but it doesn't excuse me.

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And I have to realize that even though I came from that past, I realized that God had a different future for me.

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If I would just open up my heart, surrender and submit to him and let him minister to that pain.

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And so then I realized that, you know what, that's, that may have been where I started, but it doesn't have to necessarily be where I finish.

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And so I had to open myself up to being able to accept the past, what it is and not use it as an excuse for me not to move forward as a parent, as a husband, um, as a spiritual leader of my home.

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So when we talk about that parent who's fallen into that category, it's the whiners. They're always find themselves complaining about what they don't have, what they'd never grew up with, what they didn't have.

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They're not equipped. They don't have this, all these bad things happen to them. So that now gives me the excuse of why

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I can't do better now, because look where I came from. And so I had to get over that. And that's why

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I call that person the whiner parent. I tell you, I'm realizing that I've been a whiner too.

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Um, specifically in regard to my marriage and I've shared this before and I, and my wife and I are very open about this, but when we got married, neither one of us were ready.

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Had I been the person I was supposed to be, I wouldn't have married her. And had she been the person she was supposed to be, she wouldn't have married me.

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And yet we got married and we said, I do. And now it'd be super easy. And I have in the past whined about that.

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Well, you know, we didn't marry the right people, right? You know, we, we were weak. We weren't who we were supposed to be.

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We got a bad start in all of this, but I tell people now because praise God, um, I'm not in that spot anymore.

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At least when it comes to my marriage, I tell you, tell people, our marriage is two things. Number one, it is a warning and admonishment to people to be careful, you know, to be careful, uh, when you, when you make this choice and step into it.

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Uh, but secondly, it's a testimony of God's grace because what God has done through our marriage has been absolutely amazing.

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So yeah, that resonates with me. I, I think about Eli, um, from first Samuel, uh, chapter two, you know, he whined a lot.

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He whined at his boys. His boys were, were terrible men. They wicked people. And, uh, he whined at them, you know, why can't you just do this?

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Why can't you just do that? Instead of really dragging them to real truth and grounding his parenting in, in, in the, what

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God says and what we need to be and who we need to be. How would you encourage a whiner to move past that?

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What biblical admonishment would you give him? Um, I would say cling. You mentioned earlier when you asked me about my

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Bible verse that I cling to in this season, I would say, go to scripture. And there's two particular that I would recommend

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Romans eight 28, which you're probably familiar with Aaron, that all things work together for good for those who love

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God are called according to his purpose. Because there was a time when I'm now talking about, when I was a whiner that I used to think that God was punishing me, man.

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I'm like, wow, my, my wife sucks, man. Look at where I came from. This is horrible.

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God, why would you let me grow up like this? Why didn't you protect me from this? This is going to hurt me as a parent when

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I become a parent or become a husband. And I realized now that God wasn't punishing me, but he was rather preparing me.

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You mentioned about your wife saying, no, we're not who we know. God knew who you were back then and you two were coming together because he was preparing you for something.

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Our past. Yes, it may not be what we had wanted and wished, but God is going to use it for good.

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So Romans 8 28 is what I referred them to. Also I will refer them to Jeremiah 29 11 that when

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God says that I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you, not to harm you,

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Joe Martin, but to give you hope in a future. So no matter what it is that has happened and understand that God has permitted it, he could have stopped it, but he didn't that he knows he's going to use it not only for your good, but he's going to prosper you if you continue to walk with him.

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So encouragement I would give for the person who is quote whining. And I'm not trying to use that as a disparaging thing because it's okay.

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Own it that we've been whining and complaining like the Israelites murmuring, complaining, Oh God, you could have just left me here.

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Why'd you have to bring me out here? No, no. Why'd you have to let me get married? You know? No. What we got to do is we have to own it and say,

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God, help me with this. Help me to see it from your perspective. And if there's somebody out there who is struggling whether or not identifying, whether or not they are, just ask themselves, what does the enemy constantly bring up to you as a parent that discourages you that distracts you and keeps you stuck in a rut?

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Whatever that is, that's what we typically start whining and complaining about. And so I look at it this way.

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If it wasn't for the pain that I went in the past, I get it now. I get now that God was repairing me because people said, well,

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Joe, you've overcome it now. I realize now that we're all going to overcome if we continue to walk with God.

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But the real test is, are you going to share it with your children as you're raising them? And a lot of parents don't want to talk about their past with their kids.

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They don't want to talk about the abuse they suffered, the abandonment issues. And what they do is that they suppress that.

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And when they suppress it, it comes out expressed in bad ways. But my thing is, they said,

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Joe, you seem so vulnerable with your kids. You're willing to open up your heart to your children and share with your pain and your past.

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I said, yeah, because if I don't, then that means my pain was wasted. God has a purpose for my pain.

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And so I see it now that the tears that I cried from my pain were supposed to be medicine for my children and for my wife.

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So I now realize that no, the past is not something that I need to be paralyzed by or something I need to try to avoid, but need to use it for God's glory.

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So Romans 8 28 Jeremiah 29 11 cling to it, hold on it, own that word because God knows what he's doing.

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He's not making any mistakes. Amen. Amen. Yeah. And I, I think of a Philippians three, uh,

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Philippians three 13 where Paul says, this one thing I do, a forgetting what lies behind reaching forward to what lies ahead.

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I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upper call of God in Christ Jesus. And all three of those passages are important because they're conditional.

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They require us to do something that's so powerful. Now we could probably talk about that parent all day long, but I do want to say this real quick.

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One way that we parents do this, okay. We need to be honest with ourselves. If you're listening to this for the first time, you need to ask yourself, am

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I, or have I been a whiner parent? Have I kept myself from being the parent I need to be because of my past.

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Sometimes we do this specifically in regard to our children. Um, we whine about the fact that our kids are going down a bad road.

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We whine about the fact that we've corrected them before and they don't respond the right way. And we use that as an excuse to not do the right thing the next time.

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And we just can't do that. We absolutely can't do that. If you fall into that trap, we need to repent. We need to ask

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God's forgiveness and we need to in his strength term. And I hope that you'll do this on all of these points.

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I hope that you'll ask yourself, be honest. Have I done this? Cause I think, I think Joe's not an anomaly. He's, he's been each of these five parents.

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And I believe that all of us have probably at one point or another been at least three of the four, you know, uh, bad ones that is.

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Example. Oh yeah, go ahead. Um, and I'll throw myself under the bus on this cause I'm not proud of it, but you just started up when you mentioned your point about how we use it as an excuse not to move forward.

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And I know a lot of parents can relate to this, especially dads. Um, because I was abused, because I was abused as a child.

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Um, for three years, I was sexually abused as a child and whether I wanted to believe it or not,

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I allowed it to affect my parenting. And one way I allowed it to affect my parenting was that I'm not an overly affectionate person.

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I'm not a hugger and kiss you and that kind of stuff because I didn't like my space, um, being violated.

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And what I realized as I became a parent, that children don't know about your past and what they want is affection.

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They want the loving and the nurturing and the hugs and the kisses and that kind of thing. And so whenever my kids would bring it up to me that I wanted that,

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I would give pushback. I would say, you know, that's just not me. That's not, that's not kind of person.

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I just not my personality. And realizing that, yeah, that may not be my personality, but that doesn't, that shouldn't prevent me from moving forward.

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Is that how can I still provide them with what they need? Even if it makes me uncomfortable, that's when you can laugh.

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So I'm still not a touchy feely person, but I'm now more intentional about showing that affection, even if it's difficult for me because I don't want to be paralyzed by my past.

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I don't want to get stuck as being a whiner because I used to whine about not being that type of parent. If that makes sense,

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Yeah, it does. No, it's powerful. And I'm sure somebody needed to hear that for sure. Now, the, uh, the second

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W parent here is the worrier. Now this parent, uh, this parent is, you say is not paralyzed by his past.

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He's something else. What is the worrier parent? Oh, this parent is fearful of the future that we had the why baby with, um, with, uh, with the whiner, this person is a what if baby.

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They're always, Oh, well, my wife and I came up with this term called catastrophizing. What if something goes wrong?

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What if this doesn't work out? What if that happens? What if this doesn't happen? They're always plotting out the worst case scenario.

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What if my child is hooked on drugs? What if my daughter gets pregnant? Because you can see these kinds of parents because some people call them helicopter parents that they're hovering over their kids.

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And I used to be a college professor. So I used to see the helicopter parents all the time whenever the new semester start.

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And I, and I just, I remember when, when I wasn't a parent, I said, God, don't let me be those kind of parents. Don't let me do that.

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And God bless them because they love their children so much, but they don't realize. And I, and I say this term and it sounds kind of crazy.

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Worry. Your parents can love their kids to death. And parents say, how is that possible?

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They can act. I can, I've seen worrier parents love their kids to death. They're trying to be overprotective.

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They're trying to prevent things from happening. He said, well, Joe, what good parent doesn't want good things for their kids?

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Yes. But guess what? You have to be able to allow that kid to fall. If you want that kid to walk, could you imagine never allowing your child to fall when they learn how to walk?

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They'll never learn how to walk. They'll be too afraid to walk. Sometimes you got to let them fall on their butts.

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And so the worrier parent is wondering about, they're worried about what if this happens, what if that happens?

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What if I don't do this perfectly? What if I make mistakes? Well, let me let you in for a newsflash.

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God is bigger than your mistakes. Amen. Even on your worst day, you can't mess up God's plan.

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Oh, somebody needs to hear that. Amen. Try to mess up his plans. He won't let you. Now he could replace you to make sure his plans are being fulfilled.

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He doesn't need us. God chooses us to be part of his plan. So for the worrier parent, this person is worrying about messing things up, messing up God's plan.

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They're going to ruin their kids. The kid's going to need therapy and counseling after I'm done with them. If they don't do it right.

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If I don't monitor everything they do and I don't control everything that they do, bad things are going to happen.

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Now we're not saying to take your hands off of your kids, but at least allow God to be in there to have some influence with your kids.

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Trusting the God that you're pouring into them. Trust that God to help them. Now let's talk about now

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I'm going to talk about me and how I've messed this up myself because I'm talking from experience and I remember when my son,

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I have a son and a daughter. My son now is Kendal is 23 at the time of this recording.

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My daughter is 17. She's a senior in high school, but my son, he was the first kid. So I didn't know what

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I was doing. Had no idea what I was doing. Your practice baby. Yeah, my practice baby and Kendal was around about maybe about five or six at that time.

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And I just kept beating myself up. I'll tell you one quick thing. And then I'll tell you what, how God has helped me overcome being the warrior parent.

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Uh, one time he was three, started praying and he said, amen. And I asked my three year old,

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I said, Kendal, aren't you going to pray for mommy and daddy? He said, I did pray for mommy and daddy. I said, no, you didn't.

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Yes, I did. And me and my son gets into an argument. Okay. I was like,

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Kendal, I heard you. You did not pray for mommy and daddy. And so of course we leave his room. And my ex wife looked at me like, really

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Joe? I'm like, what? He says, you're arguing with the three -year -old about his prayers.

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I said, but he didn't pray. He said, Joe, it doesn't even matter. And I thought about it and I went back into my son and woke him up.

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I said, Kendal, daddy, sorry, daddy. Sorry. You can pray how you want to pray. If whoever you want to pray for that,

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I'm so sorry. And I'm thinking, wow. So that was when he was three. So roundabout, let's go now to five or six. I'm making more mistakes like that.

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All right, Aaron, pray for me. I finally get to a point. I said, God, I'm done.

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I can't do this. This is the worry parent coming out. God, I'm going to ruin this kid.

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How many times can I keep going back to him to apologize for making mistakes?

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God, he's only right now, five or six years old. He's going to need therapy and counseling. I'm not doing this right.

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I'm trying the best I can and I'm not doing it right. I keep messing up.

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God, I'm done. And Aaron, I'm telling you, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me and says, good.

26:24

What? I'm glad you're done. I said, but I'm messing this up.

26:32

And then the Holy Spirit says, you're messing this up because you're trying to do it perfectly.

26:38

You're trying to be perfect. I said, I'm just trying to do it your way. God, he says, you're never going to be the perfect parent for your son.

26:49

I said, that's obvious. Yeah, God, I see that. He said, but what you're failing to understand and the parents need to hear this,

26:54

Aaron, you're the perfect parent I chose for him though. What?

27:02

You're never going to be the perfect parent, but I'm the perfect parent you chose for him. He says, yes.

27:07

I said, God, I don't get it. I said, but God, he said, why don't you get it? I said, because God, I make too many mistakes.

27:14

He says, perfect. You're the perfect parent to show him how to deal with your mistakes.

27:20

I said, God, but, but, but I, I, I, I'm flawed. Perfect. Now your son can see how a flawed man deals with his, his, his, his imperfections.

27:33

But God, a lot of times I don't have the answers for Kendall. I don't know what to do and what to say.

27:40

Perfect. When you don't have all the answers. And Aaron, it changed my life because I realized then when

27:49

I saw my son, I said, Oh, I don't have to hide the mistakes from him anymore.

27:54

Matter of fact, let's make it public. So he could see how a man accepts responsibility, how a man humbles himself when he doesn't know what to do, how a man turns to God for the answers and cries out to God.

28:08

And so if my son was on the show with you today, right now, you said, what do you think of your, um, your dad, Kendall? He says,

28:13

Oh, my dad's jacked up. It's what he'll tell you. And you said, really? Yeah.

28:19

He said, however, that, but my dad is a great man because how he deals with his jacked upness.

28:28

And I don't hide my mistakes. I don't hide my flaws. I don't keep any secrets from my kids. Cause you know, especially for this warrior parent, these are the kind of parents, they don't want to tell their kids.

28:37

They used to be on drugs. Why? Because their kids might use drugs. They don't want to tell their kids.

28:44

I had sex before marriage because their kid may have sex. I don't keep any secrets from my kids.

28:50

That's why they would tell you how jacked up I am. But at the same time, they would tell you, but my dad serves, he's not perfect, but he serves a perfect father.

29:00

Amen. And so we don't have to stay stuck in being the warrior mode. We don't have to be that parent, but I've been there.

29:07

I've been that whiner and I definitely have been that warrior. That is so powerful, man. Like I said, each one of these, we could, we could spend so much time talking on, because this is huge.

29:17

I'm coming out of that generation myself, where the parents, we put ourselves up on a pedestal where, you know, we just, we couldn't be questioned.

29:25

We, we, our characters couldn't be sullied. And I think, man, we just made so many mistakes in the process.

29:30

Now I think specifically about a unique biblical character when you mentioned this, because sometimes we are worried about what we're going to do to our kids and things that ways that we've messed up.

29:40

But sometimes too, like you mentioned earlier, we're also worried about all the other stuff that might happen to them from the outside.

29:45

And I think about Rebecca, Jacob's mom, right? And he knew, she knew that there was going to be a blessing given to her sons and she wanted

29:51

Jacob to get the best blessing. And she was all worried about him having the perfect blessing.

29:57

And she was willing to lie to her husband. And she encouraged him to do these wicked things to steal from his brother.

30:04

It was terrible, absolutely terrible. And, uh, that, and she was so worried about what was going to happen that she totally stepped out of God's mind.

30:11

So what would you say to a parent, whether they're worried about their own, how they're going to mess up their kid, whether they're going to worry about the, how the world's going to mess up their kid or whether they're worried about losing control and not being able to have the best for their kid.

30:24

How would you encourage them from the scriptures? Well, it goes, but now for the scriptures, I would tell them, I said to practice, well, let me give the practical, which

30:31

I reiterate what I said before because it really helped me. And then I'll give you some scripture. Um, recognize that God is

30:39

God. He's sovereign. He knew your child before your child was even formed in your womb and he has set your child apart.

30:50

He set my son and my daughter apart even before I even met them before I even thought about them.

30:56

And so it goes back to what I said before, even if you were the worst parent in the world, which you're not, but even if you were, guess what?

31:07

You can't ruin God's perfect plan. And I'll give you an example. And I hate to use this as an example, but it's the truth.

31:14

My parents were not great parents. My parents are not great parents. My mom and she just recently passed was abusive and she was an alcoholic.

31:26

Now I'm not dishonoring my mom telling you that because I'm telling you the truth. I love my mom.

31:31

My mama loved me. She loved my sister. My dad abandoned me when I was two years old.

31:37

He wasn't there. You know, I was, he wasn't around to help me become a man. And I know

31:44

I love my parents. They love me and they would tell you, man, if we can do it all over again, we would do so many things differently.

31:52

But guess what, Aaron? I'm still here and I'm still by the grace of God.

32:00

I'm now reaching hundreds of thousands of people all over the country and 136 different countries with our show.

32:08

I speak all over the country training and discipling and mentoring men in spite despite my mother and my dad, man, what a mighty

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God we serve. So what that tells me, I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to do this.

32:28

God, I'm just trying to be obedient like my mom and dad tried to be and they felt more than they succeeded.

32:35

I'm just succeeding a little bit more than I'm failing, but I'm still failing. But in spite of all of that,

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God's plan cannot be changed. It cannot be wrong. If the devil couldn't do it, what makes you think you're powerful enough to ruin

32:51

God's plan? God had a plan when the devil tried to come in and make a mess of things.

32:58

Now, as far as scripture, it goes back to what I said before. First of all,

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Matthew 6 33, just seek him. When you don't know what to do and you're worried about the world and what they can do to your child.

33:13

Well, I can't protect, my son is out of the house now. I can't protect, I don't know what he's doing right now, but God says, seek me first my kingdom and my righteousness and all things be added unto you.

33:25

Guess what? All things include me having peace when it comes to my son, me having peace about what my daughter is going to go at.

33:31

She graduates from high school and going to be with her when she's at college, when mom and dad can't be around there to protect her.

33:38

Seek him first, seek him first. And then I go to Philippians 4 6. Don't be anxious for anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving to God, thank you

33:51

God for allowing my daughter to make it to her senior year. Thank you God for my son to be able to make it out of the house with thanksgiving, make my petition known to him.

34:04

And he's going to guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. Cause that's what we're really battling with the thoughts in our mind and the heart condition.

34:14

Oh, we're worried, we're concerned. There's nothing wrong with it, but he's saying be anxious for nothing, but in everything, seek him, ask him, tell him, petition him.

34:24

And Aaron, they're not going to like when I say this, especially the moms out there. You said we're going to be for dad, but it's moms too.

34:29

This is definitely for moms that don't get ready to say, and they can write you the bad emails. After I say this, mom's not ready to hear this.

34:37

That's okay. But moms don't like hearing what I'm about to say, but they know it's the truth. Here's why you shouldn't worry as much as you love those little babies, much.

34:51

You love your children. They made you hurt, felt their heart. You felt them kicking in your stomach.

34:57

Boy, you was seen to them. You would talk to them when they were a dad can't possibly relate to what it was like to have a living person inside of you.

35:06

That love and the bond that a mother has for a child. You men would never understand it. Here's the newsflash for the moms.

35:13

No matter how much you love your children, God loves them more than you do.

35:19

Amen. Amen. Ouch. I don't care how much you tell me you love your kids.

35:26

You don't love them more than God does. Amen. Tell him that you do.

35:32

Then you should be worried. Cause he'll hand them right back over to you and say, okay, you control you.

35:38

You take over and you watch over them 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days out of the year.

35:45

Like I do. Yeah. No matter how much we love them, Aaron, we can't love them more than God does.

35:51

We can't. So guess what? He has a plan and purpose for each one of their lives. That's why when my, when, when the mamas, my wife, you're not concerned, you're not worried.

36:02

God loves more than I do. What I got to worry about, more than I do, but it's hard for moms a lot of time to accept that.

36:09

And I would be very fearful if I was a mom. When you're telling God, I can take better care of my kids than you can.

36:16

Don't you dare tell God that. Cause guess what? God will test you and say you can, I'll turn them back over to you. Yeah.

36:22

There was that one, um, uh, that one preacher poet, maybe you remember his name. I can't remember off the top of my head.

36:27

Um, who said your arms are too short to box with God. You don't want to go toe to toe.

36:32

You don't want to go there. Don't go there. No, God, you can have my kids. They were just on loan.

36:39

You just loaned it to me for the first 18 years of the life. And I thank you for it. But God, they're yours.

36:45

Now for the listeners out there, normally we don't have show notes with, uh, when we have guests, okay.

36:51

Or transcript. But I do want to say this. There are so many of these concepts that Joe is talking about that we have alluded to in previous studies.

37:00

We have, we have a whole study on Philippians chapter four and how to be a peaceful parent. All right. We have, we have lots of resources.

37:06

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to put links in the description of these episodes so that if nothing else, if you say, you know what,

37:12

I need to work on this, what is Philippians four? I have to say to me, as a, as a worrier parent, I want you to be able to have access to those, um, those resources.

37:21

Now, again, we need to be honest with ourselves. Are you a worrier parent? You're a whiner. You're a worrier.

37:26

God's calling you from that. Now we only have time to talk about one more of these today. I want to invite you guys to kind of preemptively invite you next time to listen to the fourth parent.

37:35

And then the fifth parent, these first four are the ones that we are naturally, okay. It doesn't take any practice to be these.

37:41

Uh, the fifth one though is the one that God wants us to be and that we can only be through him. Right. So we're going to kind of end on what might feel like a low note, you know, because it was really challenging, really convicting, but pray through these things, think through these things, be honest with yourself,

37:56

I get into the scriptures that we're talking about and prepare yourself on your heart for our next episode where we really unveil the beautiful plan that God has for you.

38:05

But before we can get to that though, we do have a one other, a W parent here.

38:10

This third parent is called the waiter. Now the, uh, the whiner is concerned about the past. The worrier is concerned about the future.

38:17

What's going on with the waiter? Oh, the waiter is the person that's, um, indecisive in the present there.

38:25

They don't know what to do. And so they decide not to do anything. They rather, instead of doing the right thing or messing it up, they'd rather do nothing.

38:35

They're going to just quote, wait on the Lord. I'm going to wait for God to fix it.

38:40

I go and let God, yeah, let go and let God. And that sounds good, but that's not always using discernment and wisdom.

38:46

And hopefully by us explaining this, they'll get a better idea. What we mean by that. No, this waiter is the person who's waiting for God to do something that God is going to hold them accountable for doing.

38:59

God has given us a responsibility as parents to train up our children in the way they should go. So they don't soon depart from it.

39:05

He's also commanded father specifically not to provoke your kids to anger, but to bring them up in the admonition of the

39:12

Lord. He tells us to spare the rod, not spoil the child. He's given us directives. He's telling us what to do when it comes to our kids.

39:20

But a lot of times when we weren't equipped and we weren't taught how to do it, um,

39:26

I kind of call it ABT ain't been taught. You know, we don't know what to do. And now women,

39:32

I give women more credit for this because at least they're willing to try, you know, even if they're going to mess up, they'll, they'll willing to try something cause they don't want to just let their kids just leave them hanging.

39:42

But we, as fathers, we a little bit different than women when it comes to parenting. We don't like making mistakes.

39:49

We don't like failing at anything. That's why I say our mission is to help men win because men want to win at everything.

39:56

Men like to compete. And a lot of times men when they rather do nothing than to do it wrong.

40:04

Let me jump in here real quick because so many of your, your special guests have said this during the man up questions at the end of the show, uh, you, you ask him, you know, what's one attitude that you wish you could change in men.

40:14

And so many of them have said apathy. I wish I could just get men to, to step up and to do something.

40:21

So yeah, I mean, man, it is a huge problem with us guys. And the apathy comes from, I've done this so many times in the past that I've failed.

40:30

I'm afraid to do it again. And so the question is, so what are you going to do about it? I'm just going to pray about it.

40:37

I'm going to pray and hope that things work out. You know, I'm just going, I'm waiting on the

40:42

Lord to do something and waiting.

40:48

We have this misconception. What waiting is, um, I think one of the, um, the scripture, what is it? I think is, is

40:53

Isaiah. I'm hoping I'm not misquoting it about those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.

41:00

They don't mount wood wings like Eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint, but check this out,

41:06

Aaron. They might say those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They will mount up with like, with wings like Eagles.

41:15

Check this out. They will, they will run and not get weary. They will walk and not faint.

41:22

Guess what run and walk are? Verbs. Wait on Lord.

41:28

Don't you just stop right there? Do nothing. No, you won't have to run, but you can't get weary.

41:34

You have to keep walking. Moving forward, but don't faint. You keep moving.

41:40

And so we miss, we think waiting is doing. I know waiting is, guess what you do while you're waiting. You're still serving.

41:47

You still support. You still strengthen. You still give.

41:54

You still teach. You have to be able to do it afraid. You can't just wait.

41:59

Now let's go there with me. All right, here we go. Where I was waiting because even though when

42:07

I became a dad and became a parent, I said, okay, I realized, I thought that all you had to do is just don't do what your parents did, you know, because I didn't have great parents.

42:16

I figured just do the opposite. But the problem with not trying to avoid doing the wrong thing, what not to do, you still haven't been taught what to do.

42:25

So I knew everything not to do, but I didn't know what to do. I knew

42:31

I shouldn't be drinking. I shouldn't abandon and leave the home, but I didn't know what to do when

42:37

I wasn't drinking. I didn't know what to do when I was in the home. And so here I was,

42:43

ABT ain't been taught. I don't know how to disciple and discipline my children. I don't know how to talk to my son about sex.

42:50

I don't know how to talk to a daughter about my, um, my escapades when

42:55

I was out there sleeping with as many women as I can find. I don't know how to talk to my daughter about that.

43:01

And so the problem is I start, instead of dealing with my inadequacies and my insecurities and my inefficiencies,

43:08

I decided, okay, I'll just wait and let the church do it. I'll let school handle that responsibility.

43:18

I'll let mama, I'll let mom do it. Mama talked to her about it.

43:24

And I realized that my role is not to sit there as this apathetic passive bump on the log.

43:31

God said, do it afraid. I'm with you. When I say wait on me, wait, as I direct you to do something, speak this,

43:40

Joe Martin, wait on me. Now speak this, wait on me. Now take this step.

43:46

Wait on me. Ask that person for help. Wait on me. Go to that. Go to your child.

43:51

Wait on me. Tell them the truth about that. I had to, I was waiting for somebody else to do it, but I wasn't willing to do it myself.

44:00

I'm thinking, God, come rescue me. Come do it. God says, Oh, I will. When you take a step first, think about Peter in the boat.

44:09

Peter sees Jesus out there, man, I want to do that. Why didn't Jesus come pick him up and take him?

44:16

Wait on me, Peter. I'll be there. I'll take you off the boat and bring you with me. What did Jesus say? Come.

44:23

You want some? Come, come, come to me. And Peter did it afraid. And Peter did it successfully until he what?

44:31

Took his eyes off of Jesus. Yeah. He started looking at the waves. He started feeling the wind and guess what?

44:37

He took his eye. And then what did Jesus tell him? Oh, you a little faith. Why'd you do that?

44:43

You were doing it. Just wait upon me. Look at me and keep stepping, keep obeying.

44:52

And so when it came to the waiting part, I had to break out of this apathetic passive approach that God's going to drop the answer out of the sky on me.

45:01

And then by osmosis, my kids will be discipled. They will be disciplined by osmosis.

45:08

They're going to learn about sex. Here's the thing. If I don't do it, if I don't step up, somebody else will.

45:13

Yeah. All the wrong people. So all the wrong people. And I give an example with the kids. If you're not talking to your kids, trust me, they're listening to their friends.

45:23

And so I got to get my sons and my daughter's ear before the media gets it before their friends at school gets it, even before their teachers get it.

45:32

And I have to take, I'm going to be held accountable and responsible for them. I can't go to God when

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God asked me, okay, how'd your parent, the kids that gave you God, I was waiting for you to do it. It's like that, um, that parable where the guy was given the talent and he buried it in the dirt.

45:48

I didn't want to, you know, whatever. And, and God was, then the master said you needed to do something.

45:54

He rebuked him and he rebuked him harshly. Rebuked him harshly. Get away from me.

45:59

You slothful servant. You, I don't want to hear that, Aaron. And so I'd rather do it bad.

46:06

God, I missed you on it as opposed to I did nothing. And so I seek him.

46:12

That's why you seek him. And okay. So I love this. I love this so much because this is making so much sense.

46:17

One of the things that happens is we're waiting to do these things that God hasn't communicated to us specifically, right?

46:23

You know, we're, we're uncertain about how to, how to help our children succeed for Christ, right?

46:29

The Bible doesn't tell us necessarily point for point, how to help your children succeed for Christ. It says train them up.

46:34

Well, we, we want like the full answer, but then we don't do the clear things that he does say to do.

46:40

He says, get to church. He says in Deuteronomy six, he says, you need to be speaking my truth when you wake up.

46:47

And when you lie down, when you walk along the road, you need to bring it back to that. You need to have that, that family Bible time. You need to be studying the word.

46:53

Right? So he says these simple things. You need to be praying. You need to be teaching your kids to pray. And if we just did those things right there, just those things took our children to assemble with the body of Christ.

47:05

We taught them to pray. We prayed for them. If we were speaking God's truth into their lives, you know what?

47:11

They're going to be discipled. Those, those, those questions that we're waiting on, those things that we don't know that God hasn't ever really promised to necessarily tell us point for point what's going to happen.

47:21

Those things will come about as we simply do what he's told us to do. Aaron, I give you probably one of the best examples of why we can't wait and why waiting makes no sense.

47:34

Okay. Um, I, in our program with real men connect, we had a program that my wife and I ran called boys to real men.

47:42

It's the boys to real men challenges. Six weeks where the boys of all single moms get to do life with me and my wife.

47:49

And I tell you, I didn't see a couple. So one, by the time I graduated, I don't want that to happen to kids. So I figured

47:55

I need to let them see a couple who loves the Lord and watch us go through life.

48:01

So for six weeks they get exposed to us three times a week to be around me and my wife and my children to see what a husband and a husband and a wife looked like a father with his kids and that kind of thing.

48:15

And one of the boys asked me, now they're all probably ranging from ages. The youngest was probably 12, the oldest about 14.

48:22

Okay. It's a group of boys and we had them on a conference call. Like they would call it the locker room.

48:28

And one of the boys asked me this, he says, um, Dr. Joe, what does it take to be a good dad?

48:35

That's what he asked me. What does it take to be a good father? And I said, um, David, I said, let me give you the simple answer.

48:44

Be an example, not an excuse. That's the simple answer. I said, he says, hon,

48:50

I said, you must be an example. So you don't have to be a perfect dad. You had to be the greatest dad.

48:58

Live your life as an example in front of your children. And I said, now that's the short answer.

49:04

Be an example, not an excuse. I said, let me give you the deeper answer that I said, you guys have been with me now for several weeks at the time.

49:10

It goes six weeks. They're probably like in week four. I said, have you guys always followed my example that I've said in front of my, that you've seen me with my wife, you see me with my children, you see me with other people that was done unintentionally.

49:25

Have you always followed my example and do what you've seen me do?

49:31

Speak the way you've heard me speak. Respond the way you hear me respond. Seek God the way you saw me seek

49:38

God. And do you know every boy says, no, sir, we haven't. I said, David, to answer your question, here's the deeper answer your question.

49:45

What does it take to be a good dad? You must be willing to set that example even when they refuse to follow.

49:51

And guess what? You can't send an example doing nothing. That's right.

49:56

I can't send an example just waiting. I had to set an example by moving, by stepping, by serving, by supporting, by giving, by speaking, by leading, by teaching, by helping all that requires action.

50:17

That's why I don't think it's a coincidence that he says, no, those who wait on Lord will renew their strength. But he said to run and to walk.

50:26

I don't think that's an accident. I don't think that's a coincidence. Cause that seems like it's contradictory, but I get it.

50:33

But rely on my strength to run and to walk. Don't do it in yours.

50:40

Wait on my strength. Now run. Wait on my strength. Now walk. Wait on my strength and mount up with wings like Eagles.

50:49

Amen. For those of you wondering, this is Isaiah chapter 40, verse 31.

50:55

So powerful. I will include that too. I tell you this, this reminds me a lot of the character, not that character, but the historical figure of Lot, Abraham's nephew.

51:07

You know, he took his children into a place and he waited. He waited to teach them the truth.

51:13

We learned that Lot was a righteous man. We learned that he was somebody who was, was grieved by Sodom and Gomorrah where he lived.

51:22

But he waited until it was too late to bring his children to the truth.

51:28

He was apathetic when it came to that. And his son -in -laws, they laughed at him when finally he said, you know, we need to leave because God's going to destroy the city.

51:37

And his daughters, he had to drag them out, basically kicking and screaming at that point. And he waited, it was too long, too late.

51:43

And he lost his family. The girls ended up getting him drunk and basically raping him. It was, it's a, it's a terrible story, but it shows us the danger of what happens when we don't do what we're supposed to do.

51:55

So what's the, what's the admonishment for those of us who, we look at our lives and our parenting, but you know what, you know what?

52:01

I've been waiting. I've been waiting to do that next thing until the, you know, everything was just perfect. Perfect.

52:06

Yeah. So what do we, what do we do? I would ask, I said, ask God this question and this is simple.

52:14

And I can't make this more complicated. It's simple. When you don't know what to do and you said,

52:20

God wants me to wait, ask God this simple question, God, what do you want me to do while I'm waiting?

52:27

That's it. God, what do you want me to do while I'm waiting? The Holy spirit, trust me is going to give you something, whether it start to pray, whether it says, call this person, call

52:40

Aaron. He's a great person for you to ask this question to. God is going to connect you in by divine intervention.

52:49

He's going to give you what you need for where you are, but you got to ask God, okay,

52:54

I will wait to hear from you. So God, what do you want me to do while I'm waiting? Who do you want me to serve?

53:01

Who do you want me to support? Who do you want me to ask? God, who do you want me to pray for?

53:08

Who do you want me to bless? God, where do you want me to go? God, what do you want me to say while I'm waiting?

53:17

Just ask. He said you had not because you asked not. So just ask him simple as that.

53:24

Oh man, Joe, thank you so much for joining us today. I just, looking at these three parents for me has not only just been like extremely enlightening, it's been like painfully enlightening.

53:35

I can see my own propensity. I think first and foremost to be a warrior parent. I think I used to be a whiner, not so much a whiner anymore, but I'm seeing too in me the waiting, just waiting for this right thing.

53:48

The waiting, the biggest one for me, the waiting and the whining. I wasn't that big of a worrier, but I worried more than I should have, but definitely the waiting because it's easy to wait when you think you don't know what to do.

54:00

You don't have a clue on what to do. You think the next best thing is to just do nothing and doing nothing, guess what?

54:07

You've already decided you just did something. The wrong something. Which is nothing. That's right. The wrong something. You did nothing.

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Well, and I guess, like I said earlier, it might be a little sad for the listeners today to kind of end on a note like this, but you know what?

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There is solemnity in the scriptures. There is. We need to be drawn to see ourselves the way God sees us.

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And that needs to rock us. I mean, Jesus started Matthew chapter five, Sermon on the Mount. Realize that you are poor in spirit.

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Let you mourn because of that. And that is the path that leads us to humility and the path that leads us to repentance.

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So it's a good place to end. Now, none of those parents, like I said before, are the ones that we want to be. So I know that I'm looking forward to talking to Joe next time about the fourth parent and then specifically the fifth parent.

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It is just great news is that the fifth parent is the dad or the mom that we all need to be.

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And we're going to unpack that one for you next time. Now, I've included all of Joe's social media links and website information in the description of this episode.

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I do know as well that a lot of women do listen to Joe's podcast. All right. But I would really suggest that the men subscribe to the show.

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Definitely. Please do that. You'll be blessed because of it. The Lord has used it a number of times in my life at just the right moment to answer a question or meet a need.

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You will not regret that. Now, Joe, is there anything in particular, some place that they should go if they want to, like social media or a website specifically?

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I have all the links there, but where should they start? Just go to our website at realmenconnect .com

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because if they go there, our website is pretty simple to navigate and anything they want, whether it's to be to connect with us on social media, whether it be to receive some of our free resources, whether it's just to reach out to me or to see what we're doing.

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It's so easy once they go there, everything is self -explanatory. realmenconnect .com. Like I said, fantastic.

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So are you a whiner, a worrier or a waiter? If so, I pray you were challenged and instructed today.

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And I also pray that whether you saw yourself in those descriptions or not, that you will listen to part two of this conversation to learn about the wounded parent and the warrior parent.

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There's also a link to that episode in the description of today's show, as well as other links and resources that will help you be the parent that God has called and created you to be.

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And as always, please share this episode on your favorite social media outlets and join us next time. As we once again open God's word to discover how to parent our children for life and godliness.

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To that end, we'll be discussing parenting our children through struggles, cancer, and death.

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Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship

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God through your parenting. So join us next time as we study God's word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

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And remember that TLP is a listener supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.