TLP 140: Why Should They Do It? | Teach Your Children to Obey, Part 3

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I don't think anyone's okay with that possibility, but I also know that we parents rarely address it because behavior seems to be our main focus.

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parent. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, AM Brewster. Welcome back to our Teach Your Children to Obey series.

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So far we talked about what they should do and how they should do it. If you missed those episodes, you should repent in sackcloth and ashes.

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Okay, that was a little too extreme, but I would suggest you listening to them. And if this is your first time with us, the answer is yes.

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You just really never know what you're going to get from me. But thankfully we always know what you're going to get from God. His Word is eternally relevant, needs no updating, is powerful and effective for your family.

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God has everything we need for our parenting and today's topic is no different. But before we dive into that,

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I want to share with you two new five -star iTunes reviews. The first one is from Lisa Paul, who very succinctly says, great teaching, a must for parents.

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Thank you so much. I pray we'll continue being a must for parents. But like I said, there's only one way to do that and that's being honest and loving about God's expectations.

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Please continue to pray for me and Team TLP that we remain submissive to His truth. And the second review comes from Same Page Parenting and she writes, my husband and I started listening a few months ago and adore so many things about this podcast.

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We are constantly learning and trying to do better in parenting and TLP helps so much. One of our favorite things is how it keeps us on the same page.

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We will challenge each other to listen to a specific episode, we talk about it briefly after we both have during our pillow talk at the end of a super busy day raising six kids in a blended family, and then we will work on it in our parenting while we are parenting.

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We both know the other is trying to work on what we listened to that week in TLP so we can support each other.

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We rarely get time to sit down together and plot and plan our parenting approaches, but doing this keeps us in sync in our home.

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Thank you, Team TLP. And that, my friends, is the awesomeness of God. A guy working in a boarding home in the

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Northwoods of Wisconsin learned something amazing from God's Word that helps him fulfill the Lord's will with his kids and the boys to whom he ministers.

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Then God burdens that man to publish a podcast to share those lessons. And then God connects families all over the world so they can learn the same things, be challenged in the same ways, and do all to his honor and glory.

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Thank you, Lord, for the opportunities this show affords and how you're using it in my life and in the lives of countless other families.

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And if God has used Truth Love Parent to be a blessing in your family, will you please leave us an iTunes review? I can't tell you how encouraging they are to read, and I have no idea how

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God will use your review to connect us to other parents, but I look forward to watching it happen. Alright, have you ever had your child ask why she needed to obey?

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Well, honestly, that's a fantastic question, and we better be sure to give them the right answer because if we get it wrong, we may damn our kids.

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Man, I know, that took a hardcore turn real quick. Well, that is the importance of today's topic, and no,

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I don't think I'm over -exaggerating. The past episodes of this series, admittedly, have been lightweights.

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The first two parts of our definition of biblical obedience were pretty simple and straightforward. Obedience is doing the right thing in the right way.

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But today's topic has significance far beyond the previous two. So let's discuss why our children should obey and how we can teach them this concept and why it matters so much more than the previous two points.

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Here's the third part of our definition of biblical obedience. Obedience is doing the right thing in the right way for the right reason.

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Last time I asked, if your children only do the right thing in the right way, are they truly obeying?

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What if they do what you say the way you say it, just so they can manipulate you into giving them what they want?

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I don't think anyone is okay with that possibility, but I also know that we parents rarely address motivation because behavior seems to be our main focus.

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And it makes sense for behavior to be the focus. We can see behavior, we can hear behavior, we can even feel behavior, and sometimes we can taste and smell it.

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But motivation, the why behind the what, is far more difficult to sense.

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And like I mentioned last time, sometimes just getting our kids to do the first part of the definition takes all our time and energy.

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Just do the right thing. But why your kids do what they do is the single most important issue in your parenting.

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It's the very root of your children's existence. Now, those of you who've heard the Mears Christianity series know why your kids do what they do.

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And those of you who haven't heard that series, please make a note to do so. To be honest, I go back multiple times a year to refresh that material in my own mind.

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I use it all the time. There's nothing more important for me, for my wife, for my kids, for the boys at Victory Academy, for their families, and for you and your family than the biblical truths we discussed in the

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Mears Christianity. Why we do what we do will either damn us or save us.

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It's the hinge on which true salvation swings. You see, it's like this. As long as we've done a good job communicating

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God's high biblical expectations, and as long as we've been consistent in that communication, our kids know when they disobey.

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They know when they're doing the wrong thing or not doing the right thing. They know when they're doing it the wrong way or not doing it the right way.

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But when it comes to motivation, even adults don't understand why they do what they do. And children rarely have a clue.

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And if we parents aren't discussing it and teaching it and reminding of it and applying it to our kids' lives, your kids may likely never truly obey, even if they're doing the right things in the right ways.

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Now, let's turn to the Scriptures to understand the importance of motivation. I want to start first with Mark 7, 6.

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The same truth is also quoted in Matthew 15, 8. Jesus said to the crowd, well did

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Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written, this people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.

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It's easy to see that when the Jews said the right things in the right way, God wasn't glorified unless they did it with the right motivation of the heart, and he called them hypocrites because of it.

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Another bad example is King Saul in 1 Samuel 15. We keep coming back to this one because it's such a wonderful, terrible example of disobedience.

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We've already discussed his sin when we talked about obeying in the right way. He was told to wipe out the Amalekites. He kept the king alive and the best of the livestock, so he didn't obey completely.

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But when he was confronted by Samuel, and after a whole lot of excuses, he said in verse 24,

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I have sinned for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord and your words because I feared the people and obeyed their voice.

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Now a simple but important observation is that if you don't do the right thing or you don't do it in the right way, you can know for certain it was done for the wrong reasons.

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Of course, Saul didn't have the right motivation or he would have done exactly what God commanded the way he commanded it. But this is a really hard issue.

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It took Saul a while to figure out why he did what he did. The harder issue for parents is discovering when our children have the wrong motivation, even when they do the right thing in the right way.

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We'll get to that in a minute, but for now, let's look at Philippians 3 .12 for the best possible motivation we could have for our obedience.

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Paul says, not that I've already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own.

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Paul's motivation for obedience to God was God. Jesus had redeemed him. How could he not press on to maturity in Christ?

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Hebrews gives us a second correct motivation for our behavior. Hebrews 13 .17 says, obey your leaders and submit to them for they are keeping watch over your souls as those who will have to give an account.

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Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. This motivation can only grow out of the first.

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We should obey because we love our authority. When we realize that our authority loves us and is doing what's best for us because they're keeping watch over our souls and we'll eventually have to give an account to God, it's far easier to want to obey.

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And the third motivation is, in fact, very secondary, but the end of the verse points out plainly that all of this is beneficial for us.

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We should obey first because of Jesus Christ, second because we love our authority, and third because we know that submission to God will be the best thing for us.

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And I love Colossians 3 .18 -25 because it makes the first motivation super practical.

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Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

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Children, obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.

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And then he talks about bond servants, and then he goes on to say, with the sincerity of heart, fearing the

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Lord. This list encapsulates all of our family relationships and lays the foundation for the basic things we should be doing within the family and how we should be doing it.

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Wives, submit. Husbands, love in a gentle way. Children, obey. Parents, don't provoke your children in a discouraging way.

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And then he gives us the motivation, whatever you do, work heartily as for the

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Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward.

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There's our secondary motivation. You are serving the Lord Christ, primary motivation.

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For the wrongdoer will be paid back, for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. We see the same two motivations we saw in Hebrews.

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Number one, we must do all we do as an act of worship to Christ, and two, we will receive our everlasting inheritance from God.

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Now I need to clarify again that the secondary motivation in both of these passages is the benefit our obedience affords us.

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This motivation is only holy as it submits to the first. Christians can and should take joy in the reality that we will receive the desire of our hearts.

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But the reason this brings us joy is not that we'll get everything we can selfishly imagine. We rejoice in it because we're ultimately delighting ourselves in the

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Lord and He is the desire of our hearts. Our eternal inheritance is not about mansions and gold streets and the tree of life.

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The glory of our eternal Sabbath is that we will be with our Lord until the end of eternity.

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My point is that if the motivation of personal benefit is the sole motivation for obedience, then it's not a good motivation.

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It can only function as a Christ -honoring motivation as we submit to God simply because we love Him and He's worth it.

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And I think this picture is most perfectly illustrated in Christ. In John 5, 30, He proclaims something that could sound like an impotent groan.

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I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will, but the will of Him who sent me.

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Of course, this humility was anything but weak. It was all -powerful. Yes, it takes great strength to pick up a piano, but it takes even more strength to gently set it down.

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And Jesus had the greatest strength because as God, He still set down His own will and submitted to the

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Father. His motivation was as pure and perfect as it could possibly be, and He set the example for us.

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In John 14, 21, Jesus tells us, I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the

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Father. Believe it or not, that's the only motivation for true obedience. Your children need to stay pure so that the world may know that they love the

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Father, not simply so they can enter a marriage as a virgin. Atheists can do that. Your kids need to eat their vegetables so that the world may know that they love the

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Father, not simply so they'll grow up big and strong. Pagans can do that. Your son needs to clean up his toys so that the world may know that he loves the

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Father, not merely because he needs a good work ethic. Even agnostics can do that. Your children need to do their best in school so that the world may know that they love the

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Father, not simply so they can get into a good college. Godless academics can do that. Your daughter needs to invite the uncool girls to her party so that the world may know that she loves the

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Father, not so that she can impress anyone. Unsaved people can do that. Okay, Aaron, I get what you mean, but they're just kids.

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Isn't that asking a lot? Um, no. That, my friends, is how life is supposed to work.

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If your children are born again, then they have access to the same Holy Spirit that you and I do. Sure, they don't have as much experience and maturity, but again, that's why they have us.

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And now, I think it's a good time to discuss why I started this episode in such an intense way. Do you remember when

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I said we better be sure we correctly explain why motivation is so important because if we get it wrong, we may damn our kids?

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Let me illustrate how. I work at a boarding home for at -risk teen boys. Every year, I work with a wide array of needy guys.

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Some are defiant rebels. Some are blasphemous scorners. Some are ignorant fools. And some are really nice, obedient guys.

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Now, I hope that last one surprised you, but here's the reality. It's really easy to show a guy who's entrenched in deep sin that he's a sinner doing sinful things for sinful reasons.

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And when God works in his heart and he starts trying to prove to the world that he loves the Father, nearly everything changes.

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He has new habits and a new lifestyle, a new way of talking, new ways of acting. But the guys who are generally obedient, put together, good students, but who do all of those things out of self -worship, they have two giant roadblocks.

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Number one, it's harder for them to see their sin in the first place. They're often doing the right thing in the right way.

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Sure, they look at porn. They may use drugs from time to time, and they may have inappropriate relationships with people, and they may steal from time to time, and maybe they don't do any of those things at all.

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But the thing is, they view their obedience in other areas of their life as proof that they're really not that bad.

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And two, if they finally come to the place where they realize their motivation has been sinful, now they have to keep doing the same good things they've been doing.

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And they need to keep doing them in the same good ways they've been doing them, but they have to do them for new good reasons.

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Do you have any idea how hard that is? Imagine this, I'm assuming all of you eat.

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Okay, so I'm going to do some magic here. Here I am, I'm waving my hands around and I'm saying the magic words, substitutionary diatom.

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Now, I want you to think of the most overweight person you've ever heard of. Okay, the spell

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I've just put on you will take the food you eat and will magically use it to nourish them, not you.

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You'll still taste the food, but it won't affect you at all. And this is important because your self -control is going to be what helps them lose weight.

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They need the help, right? All right, are you with me? Okay, I'm also assuming that you've all been on diets before.

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Has it ever been easy? Well, now you just have to do the same thing you did before. You need to show extreme self -control and only eat when you need to.

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You need to ignore those cravings and empty feelings at night. And even though the food you eat will have no effect on you, it won't make you fat or sick.

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You still have to be on a diet so that the other person can lose weight. Do you think that might be hard?

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Oh, and don't forget, you'll still be able to taste the food. So there you are.

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And you know you could eat whatever you want and it will taste so good and you don't have to worry about the calories or anything.

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You could eat your favorite foods all day. You could open and close a buffet with no side effects.

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I'd say for most of us, that task would be impossible. And because I love you,

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I'm going to remove the magical curse. Poof! There you go. But here's the thing. So your child has gotten used to doing the right things in the right ways because that's just life.

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That's what they know. It's what they like. It makes them feel good. They've built a habit, whatever. But now they need to keep doing the same things in the same ways for different reasons.

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They need to fight the nearly subconscious, habitual motivations they've built up. Every time they used to make their beds, they did it because they liked the praise they received from you.

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And they loved it when their siblings' poor jobs were compared to theirs. So now when they make their bed, this nearly brainless act, they must consciously and decidedly break the habits of the past and choose to make their bed to the glory of God.

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I'm not sure if you're following me on this or if you've ever experienced this in your own life, but this has been my lifelong struggle.

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I was a really good, well -behaved, intelligent, hardworking rebel. I was proud of my goodness.

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I didn't do it to please the Lord. I did it because I liked being in control. Well, now I have to be good, well -behaved, intelligent, hardworking servant of God who doesn't do any of those things because of what

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I'll get out of it. I need to do them so the world will see how much I love the Father. Man, so how does our parenting on this matter damn our kids?

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Well, if I teach my children or allow them to develop the misconception that obedience is merely doing the right things in the right ways, then

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I've lied to them, not only about how life works, but about how salvation works.

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A child who does the right things for the wrong reasons is a child who may easily pray a sinner's prayer because it's the quote -unquote right thing to do, but not because they love

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God and want to submit to Him. A child who does the right things in the right ways for the wrong reasons is a child who may devote his life to full -time

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Christian service because he likes doing good or because of the popularity. And when he stands before Christ and tells the

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God of heaven about the miracles He performed and the prophecies He told, Jesus may look at him and say, Depart from me, you worker of iniquity.

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I never knew you. We cannot afford to lie to our children about obedience.

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Our children's lives hang in the balance. How many Pharisees are in hell after living a life of devotion to the

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Talmud? How many legalists are in hell because they thought they needed to work their way to heaven?

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How many men and women and children will go screaming into the lake of fire because they thought all they had to do was dot all the i's and cross all the t's?

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My friends, my dear friends, we need to help our children understand why they need to obey.

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So, let's finish with the most important question of the day. How can you teach your children to obey for the right reasons?

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Well, number one, we need to teach them that why they do what they do is more important than what they do.

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They're not going to get it on their own, and the world and Satan are going to lie to them at every turn. Your children need to know that obedience is doing the right things in the right way for the right reasons.

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Don't let there be any doubt. Number two, we need to help them understand why they did what they did.

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Now, we've talked about this quite a bit on various episodes. Again, we discussed it in The Mirror's Christianity. We talked about it in our anti -terrorism series that started in episode 37.

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We also applied it quite extensively in the episode 45, the second most important question you need to ask your kids.

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We talked about it in Speed Parenting 101. Listen, helping our children understand why they do what they do is quite possibly the greatest responsibilities and greatest difficulties we parents will ever face.

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I don't know has become the anthem of this generation, and for those who can put a finer point on their actions, most of them are happy to announce that they did it because it felt right.

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No conscious effort, no facts, no logic. It just felt like the right thing to do. But if we can help them really see why they do what they do, we can open their eyes to the very fibers of their life.

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Everything will make sense. Cause and effect will be easy to predict. If we don't help them, they may easily become rocky -hearted or thorny -hearted.

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If you're not familiar with these responses to truth, you can listen to episodes 57 and 58 from the 4 Children series.

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But let me go ahead and sum it up for you. A rocky -hearted child or a thorny -hearted child is excessively worse than having a hard -hearted child because at least the hard -hearted kid knows they're rejecting

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God's truth. But the rocky and thorny hearts are deluded into thinking they're okay.

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They believe they're submitting to God's truth when there's no real fruit of repentance. I don't want that for my kids, and I don't think you want that for yours.

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So the last question is, how do I help them figure out why they did what they did? Well, it's not a short answer.

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So once again, I want to point you to the Mirror's Christianity series. That series should be able to answer the majority of your questions.

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Of course, you may also feel free to email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com to just get some help for your unique situation.

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But I think that if you ask the right questions, you should be able to help your child determine their motivation. Generally speaking, the temptation is to make the least important thing preeminent.

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Their own comfort and pleasure motivates nearly all of what the average child does. Your children are no different.

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We are no different. And sometimes we've deluded ourselves into thinking our motivations are more noble than that.

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For example, a child may quote -unquote obey because of how they feel for you. Again, that's a great motivation, if it's secondary, because we learned in the

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Three Family Love series that true love is always rooted in a love for God. Too often when we obey simply because we quote -unquote love the other person, there's almost always a selfish, ulterior motive.

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Now listen, I don't want to sound all fatalistic. I've simply seen the other side. I was that kid.

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I work with those kids. I counsel parents on a weekly basis who didn't realize their kids were obeying for those reasons until the damage had already ravaged their families.

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I don't want that for you. If your children are disobeying, it should be pretty easy to help them realize that they didn't do what they did because they love the

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Lord and want everyone to know it. Their selfishness will come out. Parent carefully and they will see it.

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And please share this episode with your friends. So many families out there can benefit from this. You can also check out our episode notes linked below and you can learn more about our listener supported podcast by clicking the five ways to support

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TLP link. And you can answer this one last question for me. Do you think your children in and of themselves are equipped to do the right things in the right ways for the right reasons?

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The answer should be easy, but the correction is going to take some work. So please join us for our next episode called,

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How Can They Do It? Teach Your Children to Obey Part Four. There is hope for your child, but they'll need a lot of help.

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And we want to equip you to give them that help. See you next time. Truth.

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Love. Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's word for the truth your family needs today.