3. The Productive Household: Marriage Conference 2024 Session Three

So, in this next session, we want to kind of start to work it in. I've mentioned before that applications are where we take what we've seen about what

God has done and what He said and we try to start to work it into the corners. We're going to start to do that a little bit in this session and we'll do the same for parenting this afternoon.

But for this is again sort of a vision for marriage and households.

So, I'm going to start to wrap those together. We're going to start though with applying it individually to husbands and wives.

Taking this idea of sober -mindedness as a clarity of mind, stability of soul, readiness to act.

This is Christian maturity, governing of your passions because you've trained them to be obedient.

That's where we're starting. What does that look like for husbands? What does that look like for wives as they interact?

And how does that connect? Maybe I'll connect the dots. So, I sometimes fall into using sober -mindedness and courage almost interchangeably.

The reason is because courage is the mastery of the passion of fear. So, courage in particular is the mastery of the passion of fear and sober -mindedness is mastering the passions in general.

So, if it was appetites and desires for food or drink or sex, we talk about temperance would be the virtue if sober -mindedness was applied there.

Courage is towards fear. So, we're talking about here, just we'll wrap them together. Sober -minded courage, can we do that?

Sober -minded courage, that's what we're after. What does it look like for husbands? Well, yesterday I said that husbands, the head, leads their home through his presence.

It's not first and foremost about words and actions. Words and actions flow from a certain kind of presence.

This is important. And there's ways in which, maybe here's a good example. Anytime someone feels like they have to raise their voice, the escalation of the voice is a sign that their presence isn't getting the job done.

It's a compensation. If I yell, and there's times where it's actually appropriate.

I coach high school football. We get after those guys. And the tone of voice and the yelling actually helps.

It's appropriate there. But if you're in an argument, if you're having a discussion with your wife and all of a sudden you find yourself, your voice getting raised, what that's generally a sign of is an awareness that you have that my presence and words, my arguments aren't getting the job done.

And so it's, there's an old joke about pastors who would write in the margin of a sermon, argument week, shout here.

Okay. Argument week, shout here. That's often true. The shouting is a compensation for a failure to persuade.

And we feel it. And that's where the voice, I've got to raise my voice to compensate. So the first thing is we want to get that presence right.

Okay. And presence is this gravity. This presence is fundamentally a matter of sober -mindedness.

Okay. Sober -mindedness. And so this is waking up every morning, knowing what you're about, having that clarity, mission clarity, and then moving in, taking responsibility for yourself and what's yours at every step along the way.

So we can keep this somewhat brief because I've written books on this.

I want to use a quote from Lewis, from Narnia on masculinity and unpack that as a hook to think about this idea of a husband leading through his gravity, sober -minded courage, gravity, and presence, that cluster.

Here's the quote. This is King Loon in Horse and His Boy explaining to his son what it means to be a king.

Okay. That's the context. His son's just found out he's a prince. He didn't know it. He was lost, and now he got found.

You're a prince, and you're going to be king someday. What does it mean to be a king? Here's Loon. This is what it means to be a king.

To be first in every desperate attack. To be last in every desperate retreat.

And when there's hunger in the land, as must be now and again in bad years, to wear finer clothes and laugh louder at a scantier meal than any man in your land.

Now, I summarize that as first in, last out, laughing loudest.

First in, last out, laughing loudest. That, in a nutshell, is my vision of godly masculinity.

I'll just say, I use this a lot just in my own life. This is what I'm after.

This is what I'm after. What does it mean? It starts with sacrifice. This is an application of Ephesians 5, love your wives like Christ loved the church, who gave himself for her.

Sacrifice. First in, there's a battle, there's a desperate attack. Who's leading the charge? If there's a burden to be borne, who bears it first?

Now, she's going to bear burdens. She's going to have plenty of it.

Who's going to bear it longest? Who's going to bear it first, last in every desperate retreat? Who's going to bear it longest?

That's the question we ask first. Who's going to bear that? So, and that's true in battles, but it's also true,

I think what's great about the quote is it highlights not just sort of this martial battle thing, but also leading at the head of the table during a famine, when there's hunger in the land, like in bad years.

When there's bad years, there's hard times, things aren't going great, hardship comes, and the question is, will godly masculinity show up?

Courage is about what happens when things get hard. And don't miss that emphasis on laughter, okay?

Because there's a way where you could kind of gut it out, just grit your teeth and, right, and gut it out with sort of dour resolution.

But courage laughs loudest in the midst of trial. The way we say this to our football team, courage, so we want them to embrace the grind with joy.

Embrace the grind with joy, not just gutting it out, not grumbling, gladness, not self -pity, joy.

So that's one image. The other image that I'll often use to connect to this, it comes from Psalm 19. So men, this would be something that you should go, this is a place for you to meditate.

In Psalm 19, David is describing, you know, heaven's declared the glory of God. It's that one?

Heaven's declared the glory of God. When he's describing what he means by that, he says, in them, the heavens,

God has set a tabernacle for the sun, okay, a tent for the sun, which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber and like a strong man running its course with joy.

Okay, so there's two images there, both of them masculine. So when you see this, so David looks at the sun coming out of the sky and he says, that reminds me of something.

I've seen that before. And what he remembers is a wedding day. He remembers a bridegroom on his wedding day rejoicing over his bride.

He's like, when the sun comes up in the morning, it's like a bridegroom going, it's my wedding day. Okay, so you know, like I'm sure if you were to have a, you guys have had weddings here.

So when everybody stands for the wedding march, where do all the eyes go? Back there, right?

Everybody turns when the doors open. Why? Because there's the glory coming in. Okay. The wife is, the woman is the glory of man.

Here comes the glory of man down the aisle. But if you're smart, where do you steal a glance? Down here.

Why? Because you see her beauty reflected in his delight, his excitement, his anticipation.

He's probably bouncing a little bit, right? Like he's got that look on his face, he's just, he's excited. David says,

I see the sun and I see that. I remember that wedding day. It's a masculine image of the lover, of the bridegroom.

But then he also sees this other image, right? Like the strong man, the gibbereem is in Hebrew, it's a gibber, is the

Hebrew word for man of war. It's a warrior. David's mighty man, it's that word. Okay. David had these mighty men.

David had gibbereem. So David, he says, the sun also reminds me of a gibber. So not just like a runner.

This isn't like a guy just going for a jog in the morning. Okay. This is his mighty man, Joshabashabeth.

We need to bring that name back. Okay. Joshabashabeth was one of David's mighty men. And you could summarize, you could like shorten it to Josh and everybody would be fine.

But like, it's a great name. And he was one of the guys, he's running into battle, spear raised, eyes blazing, smile on his face.

Why? Because he's laying down his life for his people. He's doing what he was built to do.

And David says, sun reminds me of that too. So every day, God has given you a picture, an image of godly masculinity.

Every day. Comes up every day and falls down every day. Comes out, goes down. Blazes across the sky.

And you can look at it and go, that's what I want to be in my home. And think about it. How does the sun govern the solar system?

By its gravity. It just pulls the planets into orbit.

And they just, they orbit. Why? Because the sun is big, bright, blazing, glad, joyful.

That's the picture of masculinity. First in, last out, laughing loudest. So courage here for men is a kind of glad -hearted stability.

Glad -hearted stability and hopefulness in the face of hardship. And the laughter is important.

Another picture of this. I find these really helpful. They help inspire me. Do you remember the movie Cinderella Man?

Yes. Who's seen this movie? Wow. Not a lot of you. Okay. Assignment, everybody go see Cinderella Man.

It's about Jimmy Braddock, a boxer from the 30s, 20s, 30s. And in the movie, there's a scene during the

Great Depression. Times are hard. They've got a couple of kids. He wakes up in the morning and his daughter wakes up for breakfast.

And it's like literally like a piece of bologna that they're grilling on like a hot plate. Okay. And his daughter, he's talking to his wife.

The daughter starts eating the food. She eats all of hers. And then she says, mama,

I want some more. Okay. Mama, I want some more. And he's got his plate sitting there. And he says, oh, you know, last night

I had a dream. And I, you know, May, I'd had a dream and I was, we were eating at the

Ritz. And I had a steak that was this thick and a pile of mashed potatoes.

And I ate every last bite. So I'm still kind of full this morning. Gracie, you think you could help me out with my food?

You can have mine. And he gives it to her and then walks out the door to work. Okay. What did he just do?

Burst in, last out, laughing loudest. Laugh louder to scantier meal. That's masculinity.

That's godly, faithful headship. I'm going to bear the burden so my daughter doesn't have to.

And I'm going to do so gladly. Okay. The same thing is true with our wives. The same thing is true in every area of life.

That's what masculine courage does. So that's courage for the men. Here's the image for women, and I'm going to try to work them together. In 1

Peter, excuse me, in 1 Peter, we're told, so you can look at this one, 1

Peter 3. This is Peter's version of that passage we looked at last night.

Wives are to be subject to their husbands. And it says, even when their husbands don't obey the word. So even when the husband is being unbelieving and disobedient,

Peter still says, you're responsible for your obedience, not for his. God will hold him accountable. You're trusting

God. You're trusting God to hold your husband accountable. And then you're saying, I'm going to be faithful at my station. I'm going to honor my husband anyway, even when he's being disobedient.

Okay. That's that take responsibility thing. And it says, rather than adorning themselves externally with merely the physical trappings of beauty,

Peter says, adorn yourselves with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

1 Peter 3 .4. Now here's the thing about this. Here's the misunderstanding that frequently comes with that passage.

People typically go, a gentle and quiet spirit means she's supposed to be an introvert.

Okay. It's not a personality trait. Okay. This is not as though God prefers introverts to extroverts.

There's nothing virtuous about being a wallflower, a shy wallflower. That's not the virtue here.

Instead, what does gentle and quiet spirit mean? Here's the thing, ladies, you need to have. Okay. It's emotional composure, emotional composure.

Okay. There's a mental fortitude here. There's an emotional strength, a spiritual composure.

That's the gentle and quiet spirit. Her soul is quieted before God. She has a well -ordered soul, one that is composed and content in her calling and station.

It's the opposite, right? In the book of Proverbs, we're warned about the dangers of a loud woman, which again is not about, is she outgoing?

That's not the point. Here's Solomon's warning about the forbidden woman, the adulteress. Remember we talked last night about which woman you're going to listen to guys, right?

The adulteress is loud and wayward. Her feet do not stay at home.

Okay. She's not composed. She's just into everybody's business. Proverbs 7 .11. Apostle Paul picks up the same warning about women and he talks about these women who are idlers, going about from house to house, but not only idlers, but gossips, busybodies saying what they should not.

They're loud. They're involved in everybody else's business. They're not taking responsibility for what's theirs.

Instead, they're lazy with what's theirs and they're into everybody else's stuff. That is the vice.

That's the sin. What's the virtue that answers it? A gentle and quiet spirit, a composed spirit.

A woman who says, what's mine? What has God entrusted to me? I am going to be excellent with that.

I'll say more about that maybe in a minute. The opposite in 1 Timothy, that was 1 Timothy 5 .13

about the idlers and gossips. The next verse says, what's the opposite of that? Well, it's those who marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.

They marry, bear children, and manage their households. That's taking responsibility for what's theirs. Then back to 1

Peter, where does this come from? This gentle and quiet spirit. 4, verse 5, this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves.

This gentle and quiet spirit is how those holy women in the Old Testament adorned themselves by submitting to their own husbands as Sarah obeyed

Abraham, calling him Lord. Notice in verse 4, what do women adorn themselves with?

Gentle and quiet spirit. Verse 5, what do they adorn themselves with? Sarah -like submission to their husbands.

Then in verse 7, here's the connection to courage. This is why it's courageous marriage. Peter says, and you, ladies, are

Sarah's children if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Sarah here is presented to us just like King Luke and the king, the son, like I did with the guys.

Sarah here is a model of courage. Sarah's children do not fear anything that is frightening. Again, courage here is a matter of that inner fortitude and mental strength subduing the passions.

Notice that it acknowledges there are frightening things. It doesn't say pretend like things aren't frightening.

No, it says just don't fear anything that's frightening. There are actually frightening things, but do the frightening things win?

Do they produce a fear that then runs your life? Again, this is where Sarah is such a great example.

You have to remember, Abram comes to Sarah one day. She's in her tent in the

Ur of the Chaldees and says, honey, we're moving. Where are we going?

I don't know. Yeah, God appeared to me and said, leave your country and your kindred and your father's house and go where he's going to show us.

You don't know where this is. Nope. You want me to leave everyone that we know, my parents, your parents, my siblings, your siblings.

You want us to leave everything we've known and you don't know anything about where we're going? Then Abram says, well, actually,

I'm fairly certain that we will face tyrannical kings who might try to kill me and take you into their harem.

Also, there are giants. There are giants in the land who will make war on each other and might carry off households that happen to be lying around like they later do in 2 chapters a lot.

That's where we're going. Oh, I'm in.

I'll follow you. In the face of many things that are frightening, she found an inner strength of heart, a gentle and composed spirit.

Where did it come from? In the text, it came from a vibrant and living hope in God.

Holy women who hoped in God and therefore did good and did not fear anything that was frightening.

Just like Joshua and the people of Israel, be strong and courageous. Sarah says, I'm going to be strong and courageous.

God is with me and for me. These trials and hardships that God sends are instruments in his hands for my good.

I'm going to cling to God and subdue my passions, my fear, my anxiety about the future. Again, there's joy here as well.

Sarah is this model of sober -minded, hope -filled submission to her husband, conquering fears and maintaining that spirit in the face of hardship, following a man who's also showing his own form of courage.

There's the virtues for each. Now, how does this show? What are the pitfalls? How does start to work its out in practice?

How does sober -minded help you? Now, we're going to get practical. I've got just a bunch of things here, practicals about it.

The first thing sober -mindedness does, sober -mindedness is what enables us in marriage to reframe and reorient conflict.

Now, we're moving from individuals to the two. Everybody's had this experience,

I assume, those of you that are married. You're in the midst of a cargument. You know carguments?

That's like when you're going to dinner at somebody's house or leaving dinner at somebody's house and you end up having to sit in the car for like an extra half hour because you're fighting.

That's a cargument. They're great. In those carguments, the tendency that we all have, because our passions get going, is to start to do what?

We begin to view our spouse as the problem. Husband thinks she's the problem, she thinks he's the problem, and now we're viewing each other as the problem.

Sober -mindedness is what enables us to pull out of the anger, the intensity, the frustration of the moment and go, what actually is the problem?

She's not the problem, this is the problem. This is where the husband has to lead.

This is the first order of business. A wise husband is alert to the ways that he and his wife begin to view each other as the problem, and push and press and escalate the conflict.

We're adversaries. We're just ratcheting things up. The image that I, years ago, this is,

I remember, I don't remember the specific argument. I typically can't do that. I lose those.

They get lost. But I remember sitting in a car with my wife when we were newly married and having this, like, realizing like what we are doing right now, the more that we're talking, it's like everything

I say and everything she says is like building a big wall between us in this car.

It's like it's just another brick, another brick. And the first order of business here is I have to tear down the wall, and I have to reorient.

We are not, you're not the problem. I'm not your problem. The problem is the problem. Let's work together on the solution, okay?

That requires, though, being, stepping out of the stream of passions that are raging in order to what?

Be sober -minded, to get a grip on me. I can't help here.

Like, I can't help her if I'm, I can't export what I don't have. So, when a husband detects that there's a wall being put up between him and his wife, he needs to do a, you know, a

Reagan and be like, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall, okay? That's the first order of business.

Instead of viewing each other as the problem, he, the husband must lead in viewing the problem as the problem, and we're collaborators to try to solve it.

What is the actual thing that needs to get addressed, and how can I lead in bearing the burden first and longest gladly, okay?

So, that's reframing and reorienting conflict, okay? That's number one. The second, though, in order for that to happen, this is maybe one of the more, like, actionable things that everybody in a healthy marriage, you're going to do, is growth in self -awareness.

In order to be able to do that, you have to be aware when you're getting your dander up, when your passions start churning, and whenever they do, your first order of business is that.

So, you'll find yourself, and husbands, wives, you need to be alert to this. It'll come out different ways.

Men and women are different. So, here's how, for guys, it might look like. When I realize

I'm entering, I'm frustrated. I feel frustration just kind of churning.

I find myself playing a certain conversation over and over in my head, right?

My imagination is just feeding the passions. You know how your imagination can do that? It's not just in your marriages, right?

That thing that that guy said to you at work, or that gal said to you at work, and you just play that tape on a loop, and you just scratch that itch of bitterness, and you're just churning the bitterness.

You should pray, Lord, search me and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts, bitter thoughts, angry thoughts, frustrated thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. It's Psalm 139, the end, okay?

That prayer just needs to become your daily prayer, because what you need is, you need, whenever that starts to churn, whether it's frustration or bitterness at your spouse, you need to catch yourself doing it and go, okay, that's the problem.

What do I need to do in order to address it? Not just to stew in it, not just to simmer in it, but become aware, or if you're in the, when is desire getting stirred up?

When is, for ladies, it might be anxiety, fear, right? Fear is getting churned up.

You're thinking about all the things that have to get done. How are we going to pay for groceries this week? Where's the money going to come from? And the anxiety just starts to churn and churn and churn.

When that happens, you need to be aware, I'm entering anxiety now, and anxiety is running me.

And instead, then, you've got to, okay, I'm doing it, now what? You've got to step out and go, well, am

I trusting God? Am I hoping in God? Am I believing his promises?

And then you need to go to your husband and say, I'm feeling some anxiety, can we talk about this? And now you have a conversation in which it's not just your anxiety coming out sideways at him with subtle, you know, naggy comments, anxious comments, right?

And then he responds with frustration and just thinking about it because he's been bitter, and now you've got passions just pinging off each other for the rest of the day.

Take responsibility for your emotions. What, make them, bring them in obedience. We often talk about, you know, that verse in 2

Corinthians 10, take every thought captive and make it obedient to Jesus, okay?

That is just as true of your emotions as it is your thoughts. Take every emotion captive and say, you have to bow the knee, right?

You have to bow the knee to God. So, reframe and reorient conflict. To do so, you must govern yourself, be aware, grow in self -awareness.

There's going to be, here's another one, practical one. Husbands, there will be times when you feel like your wife is manipulating you.

Whether she is or not, sometimes she may be. She's manipulating. So, ladies, sometimes you may find yourself,

I'm doing some manipulation here to get my way. Both of you in that moment need to do something. You need to ask yourself, why does she feel like she has to manipulate?

Why can't she just ask it directly? A husband should be asking that to go, how do

I make it easier, right, for her to just ask it directly? How do I cut through this kind of game we're playing in order to say, hey,

I think there might be something going on here. Are you wanting me to do this and pursue the clarity, not shrink back in frustration and I hate it when she talks to me that way?

No, lean in. Lean in and say, hey, is this what's going on? This is what

I'm sensing. Is this what you're wanting? And bring the clarity. Wives, you don't have to wait for that.

When you find yourself, you have to realize, I am trying, I don't want to ask him directly because I think he'll say no. Your kids do this too, by the way, right?

Your kids try to find ways to be like, how do I get what I want without having to ask for it?

Because if I ask for it, they might say no. And realize that, okay, what are you doing? There, I want something so bad,

I'm willing to use unlawful means to get it. I'm willing to use sneaky, underhanded means in order to get it.

Instead of going, God, I trust you. So I'm just going to ask. And if he says no, dad says no, if I don't get what

I want here, I'm going to trust it to God and I'll just go pray about it and I'll cheerfully and do so cheerfully. But we're not just going to stew in this manipulative soup.

Okay. Third, here's a common problem.

Actually, I'm going to save this one. I want to get into one other thing now about the household. Okay. This is a little bit out of order, but it should work okay.

One of the needs as we face the present moment is a recovery of a productive household, a biblical household.

Okay. And I could spend time, if you want to ask about this in the Q and A, I'll go into more detail. But the biblical household is the basic unit of society.

It's not just like, we think of household, it's not just like husband and wife and like kids. It's like the domain that they've created.

It's the little kingdom that they have. Okay. So in a biblical household, you've got a husband and wife, the kids, but you've also got their possessions, like all their stuff, their animals.

In ancient households, it would include servants and things like that. That whole domain that they've built around themselves.

Now today, it would include things like your, it might include your business if you own your own business.

It would include your, but your stuff would be included in your household. It's the things that you use in order to enlarge your household.

Okay. The biblical household is about God's mission, be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth.

It's the institution that God established to fulfill that. Okay. Fruitful, multiply, have dominion over the fish, fruitful dominion.

The household was the first vehicle to accomplish that. And it's what provides that basic sense of identity.

Who am I? Who are my people? It's where education is supposed to happen. It's the responsibility for education is there.

Fathers bring your children up in the discipline and nurture of the Lord. Fathers are responsible for education. Now you can partner with others.

That's what schools are for, but it's your responsibility. If something goes wrong there, this is, oh man, we're getting into other stuff here now.

Okay. If something goes wrong at your kid's school, dad, if God were to show up to deal with it, he's talking to you, not the principal.

And you go, what? It's like, yeah, you're not responsible for everybody's education, but you are responsible for your kid's education.

Okay. You're responsible for it. And so you can enlist others to help it, Christian school, homeschool, whatever, co -ops, whatever you do, but you're responsible to do it.

And so you're going to answer for it one way or the other, and you don't get to say, but the school that you gave me, you don't get to do that.

Okay. So it's the center of education and formation. In the Bible, it's where vocation is fulfilled.

It links the past and the future. You have generations backward, generations forward, and they're capable of multiplication.

Okay. So this is the leave and cleave idea, right? Leave your father and mother and pull fast to your wife.

That's the leaving of one household in order to form the nucleus of a new one. Does that make sense? So that's the biblical picture.

I could talk about the challenges. The modern world has disrupted that thing. Okay. Technologies, industrial revolution, sexual revolution, all of these things have disrupted.

If you want more on that, come back. What I want to say now is that leaving and cleaving thing. This is the practical. One of the challenges, this is one of the things

I do in premarital counseling. Okay. I spend a significant portion of my premarital counseling talking to engaged couples about their families of origin.

Okay. Because their habits, their passion habits, where they default.

If conflict comes, are you a blow up person or a shut down person? Okay. I tell them, young lady, how your mom fought with your dad is how you're going to fight with your husband.

Like that, you learned it just by, you just picked it up. This is what's normal. Your expectations for your husband are going to be shaped by your dad.

And here's the challenge. He's not going to know it. She's not going to know it. That you have these expectations.

They're just kind of running because you don't know it. It's like when, do you ever remember? I don't know if you remember this. The first time you,

I remember the first time that I watched another family. I don't remember why I watched this, but it was another family.

I saw their home videos from Christmas. Okay. And how they opened presents. And I just remember being appalled because it was like in my house, it was like, everybody went one at a time.

It was like, you open your present, we all watch. And then you hold it up. And it's like, that's what you got. And it's like, and it took a lot, it took all day. Like, it's like, everybody kind of gets to go.

Right. And then I'm watching these people like maniacs just tear into stuff and everybody's going at once.

And just, and I'm like, what are these savages doing? I was appalled. Okay. It was just different customs, different household customs.

I didn't even realize that I had an expectation about that, but I did. Okay. That happens a lot because your family of origin shapes your expectations in marriage.

Right. So you can go. And if you start to analyze, especially newly married couples, you start to analyze your conflict, you will begin to realize that part of the frustration you have is unmet expectations that you picked up from your parents and which your spouse is entirely ignorant of.

He didn't grow up in that home. She didn't grow up in that home. So there's all sorts of things that then you need to explore.

And then you need to clarify, make clear what you're doing. So families inevitably shape habits and patterns for good and for ill.

And those patterns and reactions then have to be interrogated in order to form a new household.

Okay. So that's one way that you can fail to leave and cleave is when your family of origin is basically governing your expectations of how husband and wife relate, but nobody's talking about it openly.

So you want to bring it out into the open, which means you have to be attentive to when are my expectations not being met?

This would be a key. This is back to that other thing. When are my expectations not being met? I have an expectation here.

And how do I know it? Because I'm frustrated. Which is just the nice way of saying

I'm angry. You remember that. You're angry and the nice way that you say it is

I'm frustrated. And it's churning and you're going, why? Because there's an unmet expectation. Where did that expectation come from?

It came from watching the way my dad treated my mom. And I want my husband to treat me that way. Does he know it?

Does he know that that's your expectation? Hey, I've noticed this. The other thing, the other thing that can happen here with the failure to leave and cleave on the household side is intrusive in -laws.

It's a stereotype. Everybody has it. But it's a stereotype because it's real. So one of the fundamental things for husbands and wives is to learn how to actually separate while staying connected.

You want to be connected. There's generational. You want to be connected to your family, but you have to actually come out and be separate.

And this particularly comes into play, for example, when you go home for Christmas or holidays.

So you've moved out. You've established your household. We're going to do it this way. These are our customs, our ways of doing things.

This is how we relate. And then it's like you go to your spouse's family and all of a sudden they revert to childhood. And they kind of slide back into a different role in that household.

And you might be puzzled by it. It might really bother you. I don't like the way you act when you're around your brothers. I don't like the way you act when you're around your mom.

I don't like this. You're a different person. Why is that happening? Because now it's not clear which role

I occupy. Am I a son in this household or am I a husband in the new one? And this is the thing.

The biblical expectation is when you've left, your fundamental allegiance is now to your new household.

So for guys, it's like the number one woman in your life is no longer your mom. At a time, that was true.

Honor, respect, deference. Whose perspective are you taking most into account?

Which woman? It's your mom. Now it's your wife. And if they ever come into conflict, you need to know where your allegiance lies.

And be willing to put a foot down to not buckle in the face of, say, pressure from your mom.

Guys really struggle with this. Why? Because female emotions are really disconcerting.

So a mom's emotions can steer a son, and his wife's going, but I need you to stand up for us.

And his mom is going, but I need you to do this, and doing it in subtle, manipulative ways. He's caught in the middle. The husband has to have clarity in that moment about, this is my household, and I don't have to fix my old household.

I'm not responsible to do that. I don't have to. That's my dad's job. Dad's responsible for that.

And if you need to, you should have a conversation with him. Have a conversation with your dad. Say, Dad, I've noticed that mom really gets gnarly with my wife.

Make subtle comments, subtle digs. It's real subtle. Do you notice it? Okay, I'm going to care for my wife.

I need you to care for yours. I love mom. I love her. You know I love her. But I need some help here.

And it's your responsibility. I'm going to call you to take responsibility. You do it. How do you do it? Paul says, rebuke an older man like a father.

You do it respectfully. I'm going to honor you, Dad, by reminding you of this, but I need some help. That's how it goes.

But the goal is to establish two separate households that can be connected without fusing into one amorphous blob of passions.

Some of you know that kind of household. It's ugly. So when tangles emerge between families of origin, the burden is on a husband to patiently and carefully address it.

Okay? And his first goal is to establish his own household in the Lord, leaving his father and mother, cleaving to his wife.

And then that's where his fundamental allegiance is. That's where hers is. So they can work the other way.

A young woman can really struggle if her dad thinks that things should go one way and her husband thinks they should go a different way.

A dutiful daughter can feel like, I'm just so used to deferring to what my dad says.

Like, I trust him. He loves me. And so he wants to do this, but my husband thinks that. Where do you go?

And it's like, new allegiance, new household, right? You've got to go with your husband and support him in that decision.

And the goal is together, this new household is not to alter the habits of the in -laws, but instead to maintain the integrity of their new home in the face of sabotage and guilt trips and family drama.

So there are times when you're going to go home for Christmas and you're going to have to look at each other like, we're going into battle.

Okay? We're going into battle. And the thing is, it's not mainly battle with the family members.

The goal is, can we go in and stay one flesh? Can we be on the same page?

Can we go in one flesh and come out one flesh? Can it deepen us? And if it doesn't affect anybody else, that's okay.

Other people are responsible to God for them, but we're responsible here. How do we maintain that? That's a fundamental challenge.

And I spent a lot of time in prenatal counseling on that issue. Let's see.

We're almost to lunch here. Ah, good. Last thing. Here's the other big piece of this in terms of establishing a household.

On the one hand, there's the need to come out from your family of origin and establish a new household. New patterns, new behaviors.

Hopefully, if it's a godly family, you're bringing over a lot of stuff. And parents, this should be your goal with your kids, is,

I want to conduct our household in such a way that there are habits of our household that our kids will be like, well, we're for sure going to do that.

I want to carry that forward. And not, how do I get as far away from those habits as possible? And there's grace.

We fail. We'll talk more about parenting later. But one of the things in a marriage that's really important is the wider community in maintaining biblical and godly expectations for husbands and wives.

In other words, in order for a man to be a godly man, one of the great blessings that God has given him is other godly men.

For women, one of the blessings that God has given for women is other godly women.

And so that wider community really matters because it's the difference between a community of women who are constantly trying to undermine

God's expectations for a wife in her home or are reinforcing it. Okay?

So this matters for, there are certain sorts of things that, okay, here's a perfect example.

In the book of Titus, Paul says to Titus, teach what accords with sound doctrine.

Here's the behaviors, here's the applications of sound doctrine. And then this is what he does. He says, older men do this.

Younger men do that. Older women tell the younger women to do that.

This is a really interesting thing. Okay? Why does he do that? Why does he, he's got expectations. Paul has things he wants to tell the younger women, but he says, this will come, this will have more force, integrity, credibility, whatever you want to say, coming from an older woman who's done it than it will from me.

Now, he's writing the letter, so they're all going to read it. But the thing is, when it's like, how do

I actually do it? How do I manage my household well? How can I be into my husband and into my kids?

And how can I be a faithful godly wife and whatever? It's like, who does the young woman need to ask?

An older godly woman. Okay? That's the danger. If that's not there, then you have women who are trying to undermine

God's expectations, or you have guys who are going to undermine. So, when you go to seek out counsel from the guys, and you're saying, hey,

I'm really not sure exactly how to handle this situation with my wife. Is the response going to be, yeah, women can't, right?

Is it scoffy? Does that make sense? Right? It really matters if his self -pity is going to get a back rub.

It matters if her self -pity, man, it's hard to follow a fallible man. Right?

If she goes to her girlfriends, and she says, sometimes it's just so hard to follow a fallible man.

And they say, you're right, it is. But that's what God expects you to do. Holy women who hoped in God.

Be like Sarah, who called Abraham Lord, right? Is that the exhortation that's coming? Or is this like, yeah, men, you know?

Is it going to feed the griping and the complaining and the grumbling? Is it going to feed that? Or is it going to rebuke it, correct it, and point back to hope in God and don't fear?

Does that make sense? The wider community really does matter. So, this is why one of the ways that it's important to have a courageous marriage, you have to have a courageous community.

You have to have people around you who are going to encourage you, instill courage in you, in order to live faithfully.

Because there's all kinds of people out there who just want to undermine it. So, in order to do that well, you have to think carefully about where you live.

You know, questions that you can ask together, you know, husbands and wives is, you know, who are our people?

And oftentimes you have different communities, right? Like you might have, okay, there's the people that we live around, where our house is. There's our church community, where we go to church.

And God willing, those are close, but they're not always close. Sometimes you have to drive aways, right? Then you've got where the kids go to school, and that community becomes really central for those child -rearing years, right?

You spend a lot of time around that school. Actually, this is an important thing. During child -rearing years, while the church is always the spiritual center, worshiping

God is the spiritual center of your life, the logistical center is that school. You spend way more time driving back and forth every day to that school than you do to the church.

And you need to budget for that, okay? Budget for that. So, you've got where you live, you've got where you go to school, you've got where you go to church, you've got your vocation, like your job, people at work, and then you've got the extracurriculars, like could be a sports team if your kids play sports or hobbies or things like that.

There's all these different communities. Here's my exhortation. There's all kinds of reasons for this.

You should seek to maximize the overlap of those communities as much as possible. And it's really hard, isn't it, in the modern world to do that?

How do I have a house next to these people? How can I live close to this place? Those are really hard questions. It's worth the sacrifice to have that overlapping community who's going to encourage you with grace, right?

When things get hard, they're going to be there for you, right? Who, when you have a problem, you can call them up and they're in your life.

Those are really important features in order to have the kind of community that can produce courageous marriages.

If you have questions about that, I have lots more notes here on that question, but that's enough for now.

We'll come back after lunch to talk about parenting together, and then hopefully you've got a bunch of questions and we can pick them up.

So let me pray, and then we'll get to lunch. Father, so much more to be said here about faithfulness in marriage.

So many things we haven't talked about. But I pray, Lord, that the big thing, hoping in God, not fearing anything that's frightening, first in, last out, laughing loudest, that that's come through strong enough and can be a kind of anchor for us in your

Word, in your truth, in the gospel, that we might live faithfully as husbands and wives.