1 Samuel 25 The Beauty of Grace

Of Recast Church in Matawan, Michigan. This week, Pastor Don Filsak preaches from his series in 1 Samuel, Timely Prophet, Tragic King. Let's listen in.

Good morning, Recast Church. I'm Don Filsak, I'm the lead pastor here, and I wanna welcome everybody to this gathering of God's people. If this is your first time with us, a special welcome to you as well.

I recognize that it takes an effort to visit a place for the first time, and so I'm just grateful that you have given us a chance, and I wanna encourage you to make yourself at home. There's coffee, there's juice, there's donuts back there, and so take advantage of that.

Those are free, and then restrooms are out the barn doors down the hallway on the left if you need those at any time throughout the morning. We've been working our way through the book of 1 Samuel, and it has been rockin' me.

I don't know if it's rockin' you as well, but I can just say that from my perspective as I've studied it, I seek each week to study the word of God, to let it impact my life, and then what I do on Sunday morning is just getting up here and sharing an outflow of what God has been speaking to me, and so we've been going through this one chapter at a time, and some of these chapters are long.

The chapter that we're gonna be looking at this morning.

Is a bit long.

We're gonna read it here in a moment, and you might go, Don, is this story hour? What is this? At the same time, I just wanna point out that many of you might prefer a style of study that goes slower and really picks apart each verse.

I would encourage that and commend that to you. Go ahead and go back into 1 Samuel. If there's things that have grabbed your attention, you're like, I wanna study that more, Don, slow down. Go back on your own and study that, and there's a time for you to take things slower and deeper, and then there's times for us to look at the survey and take off entire chunks of the narrative and get the flow of the story.

Many times throughout the historical portions of Scripture that are telling us the stories of history, the meaning is in the bigger chunk. The meaning of what is meant to be conveyed to us is actually found in those larger stories of how God works in people's lives and how he works with us.

So this morning, we're gonna be taking the entirety of chapter 25 of the book of 1 Samuel, and it's predominantly one large story that follows up on, obviously, the story of last week. So where we were last week matters in this text this week.

You see, last week showed David respond with integrity when faced with a shortcut to the throne. David last week showed us that the title of the message was gritty integrity and intensity of integrity.

He had a chance to kill the current king and rise to power at his own hand to deliver the throne to himself by his own power. But instead, against all the advice of his fellow soldiers, he refused to strike down the Lord's anointed.

You see, David proved himself last week to be the kind of guy who's not into shortcuts that involve sinning against God. But this week, we see a different side of David and the intention of the three chapters, chapter 24, chapter 25, chapter 26, have a flow.

They're kind of a big component of the life of David because what we see is integrity, lack of integrity, integrity. That's what we're gonna be looking at today is the centerpiece of that is a lack of integrity that we see that seems to fly in the face of what we read last week and what we're gonna read next week.

And it's gonna be kind of confusing to us if you're not a student of human nature and you're not honest with yourself, then this text isn't gonna make sense because you're gonna want people to be consistent.

How many of you want people to be consistent? Just be honest. I want people to be consistent. And sometimes my eyes then are blinded to the reality or I intentionally blind myself to the reality that people are not consistent.

Like how many of you have experienced that in your life? You would acknowledge that you want them to be but they're not. You yourself want to be consistent and you often are not. We see a different side of David this week.

Last week, David was given the opportunity for vengeance and he refused to take vengeance. He chose to not seek revenge against one who has done wrong to him time and time again. But this week, he's gonna be offended.

Somebody's gonna offend him and give him a personal affront and he will set out immediately with wrath to take vengeance. Now I personally, just being honest with all of you, I take comfort in a text like this because I see that David was a lot like me.

And I think that if you're honest with yourself, you're gonna see that David is a lot like you as well. He was a man conflicted internally by sin. There were moments in David's life where he soared near the heavens.

At times, he was honoring God and shining as a model of integrity, standing there holding the corner of Saul's robe saying, I will not take vengeance. I will not strike down the Lord's anointed. And then at other times, like in our text this week, he plunged near to the fires of hell itself.

At times, he was burned up inside with rage and wrath because someone offended him.

Can anybody relate to that?

Anybody relate to movement of anger in your heart against somebody who has offended you or offended your family or said something poor about you? Well, that's what we're gonna see of David this week. And that's one of the reasons we can never hold up a human as a pattern for our lives.

I can never, as a preacher, stand up here with integrity and say, live like David or live like Noah or live like Joseph or live like Moses or live like fill in the blank because how many of you know that if I tell you that there's parts of their life I don't want you to emulate?

There are parts of their life that God does not want you to emulate. As a matter of fact, there was only one and we needed a perfect human as our example and God was gracious to send us one. In Jesus Christ, his son, he is the only one that I would encourage you to pattern your life after.

On the flip side of that, how many of you know that there are movements of integrity in people's lives that we can take on as examples? There are movements of a lack of integrity, an ungrace that we can see in somebody's life that we should take in as an example.

And so this lapse in integrity by David on the pathway to his kingdom reminds me of the New Testament passage that I cling to regularly because as we see David, this mashed up integrity, lack of integrity, showing grace, not being gracious, as we see that, we could be moved in our hearts this morning to discouragement.

How many of you have ever looked at your own sin and been discouraged? I hope that everybody could raise your hand on that and say, yes, I have been there. And so where do we find hope? And I just wanna start off with hope as we're gonna kinda see the spiral of ungrace in David's life.

I wanna start off with this encouragement from the New Testament, a passage that I cling to regularly when I think about my own walk with God. And it's the end of this tiny book called Jude. Not many people probably have read Jude or even really been very thoughtful about it.

It's a very short book. I'd encourage you to just dig in. It's something that you can really take on. It ends like this. Spoiler alert, this is the end of the book of Jude. Jude 1, only one chapter, Jude 1, 24 through 25 says this.

Now to him, speaking of God, now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy. To the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ, our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority before all time and now and forever, amen.

Who is the one who is able to keep you from stumbling?

Is it you?

Is it your strength? Is it your ability that will present you blameless on that day before the Lord? In whom did David trust for his integrity? In whom did David trust for his hope for eternity? You see, our God is the one who is able to keep us on course.

My hope is placed in him to present me blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy on that final day of judgment. David couldn't trust his own integrity. But in our text, we will see David indeed restrained from doing the wickedness that his heart has moved to do.

Restrained by the Lord Almighty. And God will send a discerning, beautiful, and imperfect woman to David to restrain his hand from slaughter here in the text. And so let's open our Bibles to 1 Samuel chapter 25.

We're gonna read this in its entirety. Again, it's gonna be longer. I encourage you to hang in there. Follow along in your Bible. Let your mind wander to these things. Not wander to whether something's in the crock pot or whether you remembered to set the furnace or whatever it is that might distract you.

But let's think about these things as we read them. And go ahead and in your mind's eye, with your imagination, try to picture these events happening. 1 Samuel 25, recast God's very word to us. The powerful word of God.

Now Samuel died and all Israel assembled and mourned for him and they buried him in his house at Ramah. Then David rose and went down to the wilderness of Paran and there was a man in Maon whose business was in caramel.

The man was very rich. He had 3 ,000 sheep and 1 ,000 goats. He was shearing his sheep in caramel. Now the name of the man was Nabal and his wife, the name of his wife, Abigail. The woman was discerning and beautiful but the man was harsh and badly behaved.

He was a Calebite. David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep so David sent 10 young men and David said to the young men, go up to caramel and go to Nabal and greet him in my name.

And thus you shall greet him. Peace be to you and peace be to your house and peace be to all that you have. I hear that you have shearers. Now your shepherds have been with us and we did them no harm and they miss nothing all the time they were in caramel.

Ask your young men and they will tell you. Therefore let my young men find favor in your eyes for we come on a feast day. Please give whatever you have at hand to your servants and to your son David. When David's young men came, they said all this to Nabal in the name of David and then they waited.

Nabal answered David's servants, who is David and who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants these days who break away from their masters. Shall I take my bread and my water and my meat that I have killed for my shearers and give it to men who come from, I don't know where?

So David's young men turned away and came back and told him all this. And David said to his men, every man strap on his sword and every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword and about 400 men went up after David while 200 remained with the baggage.

But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to greet our master and he railed at them. Yet the men were very good to us and we suffered no harm and we did not miss anything when we were in the fields as long as we went with them.

They were a wall to us both by night and by day. All the while we were with them keeping the sheep. Now therefore know this and consider what you should do for harm is determined against our master and against all his house.

And he is such a worthless man that one cannot speak to him. Then Abigail made haste and took 200 loaves and two skins of wine and five sheep already prepared and five sayas of parched grain and 100 clusters of raisins and 200 cakes of figs and laid them on donkeys.

And she said to her young men, go on before me, behold, I come after you. But she did not tell her husband Nabal. And as she rode on the donkey and came down under cover of the mountain, behold, David and his men came down toward her and she met them.

Now David had said, surely in vain have I guarded all that this fellow has in the wilderness so that nothing was missed of all that belonged to him and he has returned me evil for good. God do so to the enemies of David and more also if by morning I leave so much as one male of all who belong to him.

When Abigail saw David, she hurried and got down from the donkey and fell before David on her face and bowed to the ground. She fell at his feet and said, on me alone, my lord, be the guilt. Please let your servant speak in your ears and hear the words of your servant.

Let not my lord regard this worthless fellow Nabal for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name and folly is with him. But I, your servant, did not see the young men of my lord whom you sent. Now then, my lord, as the lord lives and as your soul lives, because the lord has restrained you, because the lord has restrained you from blood guilt and from saving with your own hand, now then let your enemies and those who seek to do evil to my lord be as Nabal.

And now let this present that your servant has brought to my lord be given to the young men.

Who follow my lord.

Please forgive the trespass of your servant, for the lord will certainly make my lord a sure house, because my lord is fighting the battles of the lord, and evil shall not be found in you so long as you live.

If men rise up to pursue you and seek your life, the life of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living in the care of the lord, your god. And the lives of your enemies he shall sling out as from the hollow of a sling.

And when the lord has done to my lord, according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you and has appointed you prince over Israel, my lord shall have no cause of grief or pangs of conscience for having shed blood without cause, or for my lord working salvation himself.

And when the lord has dealt well with my lord, then remember your servant. And David said to Abigail, blessed be the lord, the god of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me. Blessed be your discretion and blessed be you who have kept me this day from blood guilt and from working salvation with my own hand.

For as surely as the lord, the god of Israel lives, who has restrained me from hurting you, unless you had hurried and come to meet me, truly by morning, there had not been left to Nabal so much as one male.

And David received from her hand what she had brought him. And he said to her, go up in peace to your house. See, I have obeyed your voice and I have granted your petition. And Abigail came to Nabal, and behold, he was holding a feast in his house like the feast of a king.

And Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk. So she told him nothing at all until the morning light. In the morning, when the wine had gone out of Nabal, his wife told him these things.

And his heart died within him and he became as a stone. And about 10 days later, the lord struck Nabal and he died. When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, blessed be the lord who has avenged the insult I received at the hand of Nabal and has kept back his servant from wrongdoing.

The lord has returned the evil of Nabal on his own head. Then David sent and spoke to Abigail.

To take her as his wife.

When the servants of David came to Abigail at Carmel, they said to her, David is sent to you to take you to him as his wife. And she rose and bowed with her face to the ground and said, behold, your handmaid is a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.

And Abigail hurried and rose and mounted a donkey and her five young women attended her. She followed the messengers of David and became his wife. David also took Aenom of Jezreel and both of them became his wives.

Saul had given Michael his daughter, David's wife, to Palti, the son of Laish, who was of Galim.

Let's pray.

Father, I thank you so much for your word. I thank you for the model and example that we have of the reality of your servants. Father, winning one week, losing the next, following after you and your values and then failing just ever so quickly.

And so Father, if our hope is placed on us, we have very little to rejoice in. We have nothing really to offer in thanks because we're still trying our best to please you and to honor you. But Father, I pray that you would release us this morning in our thoughts and in our minds to reflect on the cross and the hope that we have of grace given, grace that will guide us, grace that will keep us, grace that will lead us deeper into you and that will indeed one day present us blameless before you, that our hope does not rest in our ability to cling to you, but in your ability to cling to us.

And Father, from that place of hope, I pray that our worship would rise to you with enthusiasm, with joy, with delight that is consistent with this awesome message of your grace. A grace that is brought to David through this strange circumstance with Abigail, but Father, a grace that's been brought to us through your son, Jesus Christ.

She serves as somewhat of a model of one who brings a grace into an ungracious situation and changes everything. And so Father, I pray that from changed hearts, we would rejoice and lift your name high together in this gathering, in Jesus' name, amen.

As you take your seats, I encourage you to get comfortable and keep your Bibles open to 1 Samuel 25. We're gonna be walking through that chapter and kind of referencing it during the course of the message.

And right away at the beginning of our chapter, there's just this one little, one sentence verse here that kind of starts us off, and it's a little bit surprising. At the start of our text, we get a passing comment that Samuel died.

Now, we're gonna be talking about Abigail and this entire scenario of what's going on there, and so it can be kind of surprising that like, oh, by the way, Samuel died. Well, the book is named after him, and yet the book gives very little detail about his passing, and I think there's something kind of interesting just to observe about that.

Samuel's life was indeed of value in the kingdom of God. He was a prophet. He was called up in his generation, raised up to speak the word of God to kings and to leaders in his community, and he was just a strong individual in his generation, but nobody, however much they accomplish on this planet, is indispensable.

And I think it's interesting how the scripture records his death just to say, yeah, and he died, and they celebrated his life, and then he's buried, and that's it. And so there's a reality to which we need to understand that at the start of this chapter.

Just give it as much attention as the scripture does. He died, they gathered together, remembered his life, mourned over him, buried him, and he's gone. Our text this morning is so long that we get bogged down if we didn't give the remainder of the text an outline, and so let me outline this for you.

Verses one through 11, if you're taking notes, go ahead and jot these down as the big headings. Verses one through 11, the response of ungrace. We're gonna see Nabal respond with a lack of grace to a request.

Then we're gonna see in verses 12 and 13, a smaller chunk, but the spiral of ungrace, how ungrace begets ungrace. So if we respond with a lack of grace and generosity and kindness to others, they will in turn respond, and often, how many of you know that things escalate?

You ever been in a prank war with somebody, and things can get out of hand pretty quick, and the next thing you know, the police are called. So ungrace begets ungrace, and that's verses 12 to 13 is a spiral of ungrace.

Verses 14 through 31 is the restraint of grace. When you have this spiral going on, the only thing that can break that cycle of ungracious and ungracious and ungracious is grace breaking in, and so we're gonna see the restraint of grace breaking in through Abigail in verses 14 through 31, and then we're gonna see how the response of grace, in other words, grace begets more grace.

Ungracious, unkind response begets an unkind response, but a gracious, kind, generous response begets a gracious response, and then our text wraps up with the consequences of ungrace from verses 36 through 44.

So it sounds like a bit much, but as we dig in, the narrative's gonna roll by pretty fast, and it's a pretty interesting story, so let's start with the response of ungrace that we see here in this text.

Kind of setting up some things here from the early parts of this chapter in the first couple of verses. David left En-Gedi and settled in the wilderness of Maon near a settlement called Carmel, and there is a resident of this area.

We're introduced to his wealth before we're introduced to him, and this is not unintentional. The author does this for us to demonstrate what is most important about this man. In his own eyes, in his own estimation, he would rather his wealth introduce him.

He doesn't really care much for his name. He's just like, I'd like everybody to know how wealthy I am, and so we meet his wealth before we meet him. He was very rich, 3 ,000 sheep, 1 ,000 goats, extreme wealth during this time, and it's sheep-shearing time in Carmel, and so he's had to hire a bunch of people.

Usually, Israelites didn't do the sheep-shearing. You would hire kind of foreigners or different people, and it was dirty business, but it was also very lucrative, and so we're introduced to his name in the text.

Interesting name. His name is Nabal. He was a surly, harsh, mean man who was badly behaved. Lest you think that he's gonna get a bad rap here, we're gonna see as we go through this text what validates the reality that this is just not a flat-out wicked guy.

He's not good, but he had a lovely wife who was, according to the text, wise and discerning. Her name is Abigail, which means the Lord is joy or the Lord is my joy, one or the other, and his name is the Hebrew word straight up for the simple word fool.

The word Nabal means fool. Now, it doesn't seem likely that his parents hate him so much that they sent out a birth announcement showing his weight, length, and we chose the name fool. You know, he just kind of looked like a fool, when, you know, he looked like a Steve, he looked like a Marcia, or she looked like a Marcia, you know, she looked like a Michelle.

He looked like a fool, so we just named him fool. No, it's not likely that's the case. This was likely what he was known by, not-so-nice nickname, and he seems to let it stick. Like, he's that kind of guy.

Like, it seems to be like he's like okay with that. Like, I mean, you wanna call me fool? Look at my wealth, look at who I am. You can call me whatever you want, but I'm living it. So, it's sheep-shearing season, a time for festivities.

Men would be in amiable spirits. You know, everything would be upbeat. Think like the holiday season here for our culture. Sheep-shearing time was like that. Goodwill towards mankind, generosity, the wealth is flowing, celebrations, parties, all different kinds of things going on, and it was just a good time of the year in Israel.

In an agricultural society that was pastoral in the sense of taking care of sheep and shepherds and all of that stuff, this was the payday kind of time of the year. Accounts would be reconciled, and the wealth of a year would come into the marketplace in the form of wool, and so, there's abundance during this time and a lot of commerce and trade, and as I said, festivities.

And so, David sent a 10-man delegation to Nabal to greet him and ask for any compensation for security services his men had rendered to Nabal's shepherds. Now, he instructed his men to go in kindness, in verse six, and to season their speech with peace to Nabal.

Look at verse six with me. And thus, David speaking to his 10 servants who are gonna go, thus shall you greet him. And peace be to you, and peace be to your house, and peace be to all that you have. Peace, peace, peace.

Threefold peace to Nabal. He's greeting him with kindness, with generosity and gentleness. Now, I wanna point out what's going on here, lest you think that David is running some kind of mafia racket. I protect your people, you know, so you gotta give me a cut, you know?

So, is that what's going on here in the text? Well, the wilderness is a dangerous place, okay? So, multiple times in the text is this assumption. You need to take it at face value to understand the culture, to understand what's going on here.

There is an assumption in this text that without the presence of David's men as a security force, Nabal would have a lot of assets show up missing. A lot of things would just be lost were it not for David's men in the presence of his shepherds.

That's the assumption.

So, the wilderness is a dangerous place, whether you've got roaming bands of nomadic barbarians and different people who are just looking to get ahead or looking to slaughter or looking to take. And so, Nabal's shepherds, the text tells us, multiple times, they missed nothing.

David's men were a sure security force surrounding the shepherds of Nabal. So, David is requesting, merely requesting, whatever the very wealthy Nabal might have to spare. Do you have anything you could spare during this generous time?

It's a feast, it's a time of festival. I know that your accounts are being reconciled. Do you have anything you could share with my men since they served you faithfully over the last year? David even suggests that Nabal check with the shepherds.

He says, ask them, ask your shepherds if indeed what my men did for you was of service. Was it actually a genuine, helpful service to your shepherds? Ask them, he says. You don't have to take my word for it.

I'm not just trying to come and money grub from you or trying to get a racket. If they genuinely helped, then could you help us? Had Nabal actually taken the offer for David to check in with his shepherds, we see later in the text in verses 15 through 16 that if he had checked in, he would have got a glowing report of how indeed David's men had benefited Nabal.

David's men had indeed, according to the shepherds and according to his servants, had been of immense service to the shepherds. In verses 15 through 16, his men, David's men are described as a wall around the flocks.

They protected them night and day around the clock like a personal security force for the shepherds. And it's even clear that the shepherds intentionally kept the sheep close to David all the time we were with them, implying that the shepherds literally tried to stick close to David's men as they were in the fields and bringing their sheep to water and bringing them to pasture because they knew the protection that they were obtaining from David's men.

And but here in the text now, we get down to the main point of this first section and that is here comes the ungracious response. Miserly, poorly behaved, brash, foolish Nabal can muster no generosity.

There is not a shred of generosity in his heart. The 10 men are dismissed by Nabal, but not before he offers a intense criticism.

Towards their master.

Who is this David? Who does the son of Jesse think he is? Now this is, don't take this as a legitimate question like as in Nabal was ignorant of who David was and he just wanted to know. This is an insult.

This is a who do you think you are David that you would come to me and expect scraps from my table. And not only that, he knows who his dad is. Did you catch that in the text? The servants didn't say David the son of Jesse.

It shows that he knows the answer.

Who are you?

Who do you think you are son of Jesse? You're not my son. Go to your dad and ask him for something.

Don't come to me.

He knows who he is, but also equally Nabal knows why David is in the wilderness. He knows some of his backstory because he follows up his question with a stark and insulting statement. Many servants these days are breaking away.

From their masters.

Many servants these days are giving up gainful employment to wander out in the wilderness and beg from the likes of me. You're just another one of 1 ,000 people holding cardboard signs at an exit ramp.

You're just, who should be working says Nabal. You see the insult is, this is the insult that way too many wealthy people like you and me hurl at those in poverty. This ought to be convicting to us. Many people are in need because of their own foolish decisions.

Well, shouldn't they be working? Couldn't they have stuck with their job? Couldn't they have fill in the blank? Couldn't they have done this? I mean, isn't it their poor decisions that they're homeless, that they're destitute, that they don't have anywhere to turn?

Here Nabal proves himself foolish, but lest we pour all the foolishness on Nabal, consider ourselves. That's the point of scripture. That's why it's here for us to read. Nabal is in essence accusing David of leaving a great position of serving Saul and now coming to beg scraps from him.

It is an insult upon insult. And Nabal with dark, greedy, ungrace in his heart betrays his own attitude towards his wealth in verse 11. Look at the possessive pronouns in verse 11. They're the part that teaches us.

Possessive pronouns, shall I take my bread, my water, my meat that I have killed for my shearers and give it to you? Oh, come on.

For real?

Get a load of this David and his 10 servants. You see, Nabal's materialism shows in possessive pronouns and so does ours. Yeah, that was a possessive pronoun too. My car, my job, my house, my waverunner,.

My bank account,.

My, my, my, my.

Think that through.

Nabal was a fool.

And I think the calling for all of us this morning is gonna be consider, just consider where do we stand in that word? Nabal was a fool full of ungrace. He rebuffed a man who had voluntarily blessed him.

David didn't have to help, he chose to. And David isn't scrounging or running a racket. David rendered a service and is just asking for anything that the dude can spare. And I want to point out the nature of ungrace in this.

The way that ungrace strikes our hearts and can show itself in this lack of generosity or miserly attitude. Notice, and I believe this to be firmly true, any shred of generosity would have been welcomed by David.

Was he not satisfied with five loaves of bread offered to Ahimelech, offered by Ahimelech earlier? Five measly loaves of bread for his hundreds of men that were serving with him. And Ahimelech says, all I got is five loaves of bread.

And he's like, oh, okay, I'll take it, that's great. I mean, I believe firmly here that if Nabal had said, 10 loaves of bread is all I've got, really all I can spare right now, he would have been satisfied.

Even I believe to the degree that kind words of denial probably would not have provoked David's anger and wrath. Even just to say, I got nothing. I've got so many shearers right now that I have to feed, so many mouths to feed.

I'm sorry, but maybe come back and check in next time. I thank you so much for the services rendered to my shepherds, but I've got nothing I can offer right now. I don't think David freaks out like this.

And I think what we're seeing here in the text is a little bit of one of the Proverbs in play, Proverbs 15, one, a proverb that I memorized a long time ago, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

One that, if you struggle with anger, I'd recommend you memorize that one. But the reality is we know that if we respond with harshness, what do we usually get in return? Harshness. If we respond with ungrace, we usually get ungrace in return.

And let this be a self-evident application from this first point of our outline. Let this be what you write down and consider and think about. Let me just say, just straight up, what the text is indicating, show grace and kindness and generosity to others.

Show grace and generosity and kindness to others. But let me be careful to say, is this a, lest you think I'm saying pull yourself up by the bootstraps and just get it done, let me suggest to you what I believe to be firmly true and what is not self-evident.

This is not a self-evident truth. We need a heart change to truly produce grace and generosity in our lives. My call to you this morning is not just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and be more gracious.