TLP 571: Parenting Sorrowing Children, Part 4 | Divine Sorrow

Perhaps my sister said something unkind, so I ripped a page out of her diary. Well, I won't be happy until she gets heavier consequences than I do. Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids.

Parenting is just one way Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth, Love, Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give God the preeminence in their parenting. Welcome back to our series on parenting sorrowing children.

This series was inspired by a workshop I led for the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors annual conference called Counseling Sorrowing Children. You can listen to that workshop, as well as all the other podcast episodes, radio interviews, and workshops I've done on the topic of emotions, in a special resource on the Evermind app called The Doctrine of Emotion.

If you use the link in the description of today's episode, you can get free access to The Doctrine of Emotion. When this series is complete, it too will be added to that resource so that all of our biblical truth concerning emotions can be found in one place.

And speaking of the description of this episode, if you check it out, you will find free episode notes, a transcript, and related resources for our discussion today. We can never fully appreciate and unpack the topics we attempt to cover in a mere 20 minutes.

That's why I curate a list of related episodes and online courses that will add on to each other, thus building a deeper and stronger foundation. Okay, so last time we reviewed the idea that daily sorrow is a very real occurrence in this life, but far too often we slip into a sinful type of sorrow called discontented.

Sorrow.

And then I suggested that one of the best ways to help your discontented child is to introduce them to a new form of sorrowing and invite them to experience it for themselves. What is that sorrow, you ask?

It's called divine sorrow. Now, before I unpack this, I want to mention something I probably should have mentioned last time. I mentioned that a discontented child needs to be reproved, and I illustrated a number of passages to which you can take your child to help them see that they were not interpreting the situation correctly and therefore responded incorrectly.

But those of you who are familiar with the Parents 5 Jobs series or the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference understand that the reproof stage of parenting also includes the stage at which we give consequences to our children in order for them to learn the vastly important lesson that sin hurts.

If you're unfamiliar with these concepts, I invite you to listen to our Consequences series that steps through the Biblical principles on the subject. However, I didn't mention anything about consequences last time, and I probably should.

Have.

So, real quick, before diving into divine sorrow, let's consider a couple important concepts about. 1. Reproving a discontented sorrow.

A.

Secondary consequences aren't always necessary when you're teaching a truth for the first.

Time.

The Bible reveals that the presence of the law is what shows us we're a sinner. Before that, we're incapable of understanding that our choices are sinful, they're wrong, they're harmful. If we haven't ever shown our kids that their discontented sorrow is a sin, then there was really no way for them to have recognized they shouldn't have done it.

Therefore, in cases like this, it's not always necessary to give those secondary consequences right away. But we should admonish them that there will be consequences in the future if they choose to ignore this reproof.

B. When it is right to give consequences, it's vital that our children understand that they are not receiving consequences for their daily sorrow. Yes, they're sad about losing out on the opportunity of biking with their friends because their tire is flat.

There are no consequences for that because there is an appropriate Christ-honoring sorrow when we lose things. But when the child starts believing the lie that this situation is bad and unfair and that they shouldn't have to experience it, they have given into deceived sorrow.

And when they start griping about the situation, they are firmly in discontented sorrow. The consequences they're receiving have nothing to do with the tire, the bike, the missed opportunities, or anything else associated with the reality of the situation.

It has to do with them believing a lie and then acting on that lie by being discontent. C. Secondary consequences should grow as disobedience grows. Yes, even though the next time your son or daughter believes a lie of discontented sorrow, they may likely be in the midst of a legitimately difficult daily sorrow.

As long as they continually call God a liar in these situations, it will take more reproof, more teaching, and more secondary consequences to finally help them believe that they are sinning as they reject the God of suffering and His will for their suffering.

Again, please listen to our Consequences series and the related resources that are linked.

There.

And with that, let's talk about this divine sorrow. Number two, the experience of children with divine sorrow. Letter A, divine sorrow is conviction. In reference to the Holy Spirit, John 16 .8 says,.

And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment. John 3 .19 -20 reveals that the light of God's truth is a naturally convicting element. It says,. And this is the judgment.

The light has come into the world, and people love the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light lest his works should be exposed.

It's an uncomfortable thing. They don't like it. As was mentioned before, God frequently uses His people to do this, to convict people. The same word translated convict in John 16 in reference to what the Holy Spirit does is translated tell him his fault in Matthew 18 .5, which says,.

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you've gained your brother. Of course, we will only be doing it well as we lean heavily on the scriptures in our reproof.

Ephesians 5 .11 tells us take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. The word translated expose is the same Greek word translated convict. And remember, the assumption is that we're exposing the sin using the light of God's word, which is the only truth that can adequately expose the darkness of sin.

And what's the point of all this conviction? 2 Corinthians 7 .9 -10 reads,. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us.

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. We'll talk about this more later, but this sorrow, this grieving is a good thing because it's designed to lead to real heart change.

And any of you who have experienced the conviction of truth via the Holy Spirit, his word, and the scriptures spoken by a loving friend understand that it is a heavy, sorrowful experience. So divine sorrow is the conviction we experience as a result of the Holy Spirit working in our lives.

And though I probably should have talked about consequences last time, in God's providence, I believe it's coming up here because our teaching and reproof, which includes consequences, are some of the main tools God uses to bring about that conviction.

Letter B, divine sorrow is not a sinful sorrow. Daily sorrow does not involve sin. Deceived and discontented sorrow are the results of sin and include other sinful actions. However, though it comes into our life because of those sins, divine sorrow is not a sinful.

Sorrow.

This is something that God brings that reproves and disciplines us in our sin. It's something that's appropriate to weep with those who weep because it's not a sinful sorrow. This sorrow is simply the discomfort of being told that we're wrong, we're being reproved, and subsequently feeling shame and guilt.

And here is where we need to talk about letter C, shame and sorrow. I did a whole five-part series all about children and shame. I've linked that series for you in the description of today's episode so that you can easily.

Access it.

Of course, all of our episodes are searchable at truthloveparent .com. In fact, you can also access this same information about children and shame in the Doctrine of Emotions on the Evermind app. Anyway, in the children and shame series, we took a look at some secular criticisms of shame, but then we also, and more importantly, dig into the Bible to understand what God says about shame.

I highly encourage you to work through those truths because the biblical reality is that there is a good shame and there is a bad shame, and the good shame is a result of the conviction about which we're talking here.

In Isaiah 6 .5, we see how Isaiah responded to his conviction. Upon seeing God in this unadulterated holiness, he cried out, Woe is me, for I am lost! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips.

For my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts. That is a beautiful picture of divine sorrow. Isaiah felt significant weight. He felt the shame of his uncleanness and the uncleanness of his people.

He felt woe. The Oxford Dictionary defines woe as great sorrow or distress. This is the sorrow described in Matthew 5 .3 where Jesus said, Blessed are the poor in spirit. This is the Holy Spirit convincing a person that they are spiritually destitute.

And that is a weighty reality. It's a consequence of shame. So be sure to check out the children and shame series to learn more about good shame and how God wants to use it in our lives to draw us to divine sorrow.

So that's what divine sorrow is. It's the convicting work of the Holy Spirit via God's people and his word, whereby we experience shame for our sin. And the particular sins over which we pray our kids will experience divine sorrow are their believing a lie about God and his plan for their suffering, as well as their grumbling and complaining about a situation that God has brought into their lives for their good.

Those are sins and we should experience conviction when we've been reproved. Now before we look at the practical ways to parent a child into and through divine sorrow, I want to remind you about our sponsor for the series, MyPillow.

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Either way, will you please help? And now let's discuss number three, parenting children with divine sorrow. As much as we probably hate seeing our kids sorrow, divine sorrow is the first that we can be glad to see.

That's not to say that we don't recognize that God is desirous to work through their daily sorrow, but the actual loss associated with the sorrow is sad. Now discontented sorrow is a bad thing, but we praise the Lord and invite our kids to experience divine sorrow because it's what will help them eradicate the discontented sorrow and return to a right standing with the Lord.

Also, divine sorrow doesn't need to grow simply from discontented sorrow. Let's say that your child stole something or failed to follow instructions. As you reprove your child and they become aware of the primary consequences of their choices, which all involve loss, then it's appropriate for them to experience divine.

Sorrow.

In fact, that's actually the reason we're reproving them in the first place. We want them to experience that divine sorrow. The idea is that divine sorrow is biblical conviction. We want it to naturally follow sin.

That sin may be the discontentment and lack of trust in God, or it may be any number of sins that they commit in a day. So as you encourage your children to experience this sorrow, letter A, utilize all the previous parenting strategies we've discussed.

This statement bears repeating because it's far too often for us parents to have a one-and-done mentality to our parenting. Listen, I told you what you need to know, now do it and stop asking. Sure, there are times a similar response might be appropriate if the child is deliberately trying to manipulate us or the situation, but generally speaking, we humans are forgetful creatures.

The younger versions of us are usually worse at that than we are. It's necessary for us to teach and re-teach and re-teach more in our parenting. We need constant reminders about God and His will. Our kids need it more.

Talk them through how their daily sorrow turned to discontentment. Help them understand that the conviction and guilt and shame they feel when reproved and confronted with the truth of the scripture is a good thing.

Now since the presence of divine sorrow is not a guarantee they will make the right choice moving forward, letter B, call them to believe God's truth by submitting to it. There's a huge difference between knowing something and believing something.

There's also a difference between feelings of guilt and an actual desire to change. Though it's possible to callous ourselves to guilt, it's also possible that a person who at once felt guilty about their actions may redouble their dedication to discontentment or the sin they previously committed.

That's why we want to call them to make a choice for right. The goal to parenting our kids through divine sorrow is the same as our episode entitled The Point of Nearly Every Conversation. I'll link that episode for you if you've never heard it, but I'll tell you right now that the goal toward which we should be moving in our reproof is to bring them to a point of decision.

Are they going to believe the truth with which they've been confronted or are they going to reject it? It's not good enough to tell them things and have them listen. They need to choose to accept or reject the truth.

Now as I said, since the presence of divine sorrow is not a guarantee they will make the right choice moving forward, they might respond to the divine sorrow the wrong way. Therefore, letter C, warn them of the incoming temptations.

If the child experienced daily sorrow but didn't respond to it the right way, she moved into discontented sorrow. But if by the grace of God she experienced his divine sorrow through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, it's at this point that she can respond in one of two ways.

One way will lead to repentance and change. The other will result in a further hardening of the heart and an increase in deceived sorrow. Therefore, it's very important to first, we need to intimately understand the kind of sorrow that is coming if they believe the truth and the kind of sorrow that is looming if they reject it.

If we don't understand those sorrows, we can't adequately warn them. Since these are the next two forms of sorrow we're going to cover in this series, we will unpack them both over the next two episodes.

But second, we need to adequately reveal the fork in the road before our kids. We need to help them understand the consequences of rejecting reproof or the blessing of accepting.

It.

And one of the temptations we need to set before our own eyes and our children's eyes is the final point for today. Number four, the relationship between deceived sorrow and divine sorrow. So far, we've learned that deceived sorrow convinces us that a perceived loss is a practical loss and justifies a delusional version of daily sorrow.

But deceived sorrow is also the forerunner and progenitor of discontented sorrow. Because we're believing a lie about the situation, God's part in it, and our responsibility in it, we easily will become discontent and start complaining.

But deceived sorrow can also weasel its way into divine sorrow. How might that happen? Well, remember that deceived sorrow is always the result of believing something that isn't.

True.

So, what kind of lies will be facing you and or your kids when you're experiencing sorrow? A. The reproof is untrue. This is fundamentally a rejection of God and His expectations for our lives. If we lie to ourselves that our parents don't know what they're talking about, or the person reproving us is misinterpreting the text of scripture, or, but the Bible really doesn't say anything about this situation, or, but my therapist says that my feelings are truth, or I simply don't like what you're saying.

If we lie to ourselves like that, we will dismiss the reproof out of hand. And this, my friend, happens a lot. Proverbs 12, 1 says, whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is senseless.

Proverbs 15, 4 tells us an ignorant fool spurns his father's discipline, but he who keeps reproof is prudent. Proverbs 29, 1 reveals the consequences of rejecting reproof. A man who hardens his neck after much reproof will suddenly be broken beyond healing.

Proverbs 5, 10 is very scary when it says, grievous discipline is for him who forsakes.

The way.

He who hates reproof will die. This, my friends, is what I call zombie behavior. If you'd like to learn more about that, please listen to our Parenting a Zombie series. If you haven't heard it before, you really don't know what you're missing or how important that information is.

If you have a child who repeatedly rejects your biblical reproof, you have a zombie on your hands, and it's important to know their problem, diet, relationships, destruction, and most importantly, their salvation.

The key here is that deceived sorrow is going to multiply the sorrow in the situation by convincing the person that the authority figure or friend is no help, or worse, harmful in their counsel. They've lost something.

They're losing out on good counsel and they're receiving bad counsel. They will multiply their sorrow by believing that God is unloving, that if he even exists, he's a million miles away. They will experience the depression and the despair of deceived sorrow if they trust their own way or the world's failure philosophies to be their salvation.

So that's one way that deceived sorrow will creep in, but there's another one. Whereas one lie we can believe is that the reproof is untrue, even if we believe the reproof is true, we can still believe that letter B, the reproof, is somehow unfair.

This lie can look like this. The young child may whine, it's too hard, or the older believer might lament that God has impossible expectations. This version of the unfair deception may acknowledge that the advice is accurate, but it's just not possible.

But there's another way that deceived sorrow distracts us from submitting to the truth. This version focuses on the inequality of consequences. For example, perhaps my sister said something unkind, so I ripped a page out of her diary.

Well, once she inevitably complains to my parents and I'm reproved for my actions, though I might not reject the truth of the reproof, I shouldn't have done it, I won't be happy until she gets reproved too.

And you better believe I think the consequences either need to be identical or that she needs heavier consequences than I do because what she said was so hurtful. And until that happens, I may be distracted from really pondering the sin in my own heart until I think that the reproof was fair.

This is why Jesus in Matthew 7, 3 -5 tells us,. And why do you look at the speck that's in your brother's eye, but you do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, let me take out the speck out of your eye, and behold the log is in your own eye?

You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. This kind of deceived sorrow will lead to distraction from the divine sorrow I'm supposed to be feeling.

And if I don't believe the situation was equitable, I will likely fall into discontented sorrow. We see this deceived sorrow at play when God confronted Adam, Eve, and Cain about their.

Sin.

When confronted, Adam and Eve blamed someone else. When confronted, Cain got angry and took it out on his brother. And what's really important to observe about those situations is that God himself was the one reproving the sinner, and they still chose to trust the lies of deceived sorrow instead of the truth of the rebuke.

This is why it's important to warn our children of the lion in the streets that wants to consume.

Them.

This is why we must admonish them concerning the temptations they will experience. The temptation to believing lies, discontentment, zombie behavior, and sin in general. As we bring this episode to a close, let's remember that our goal as parents is not to shield our kids from all forms of discomfort.

Conviction, shame over sin, and divine sorrow are necessary for our kids to better know God and be conformed to His image. So please don't just share this series with your friends. Share it with your kids.

Though the target audience of these biblical counseling sessions are you, the parents, the reality is that we can give in to deceived sorrow just like our kids can, and I try to make that clear throughout.

And I know of many parents who have shared these episodes with their children as a way for the whole family to learn these truths and be on the same page. I think that's a great idea, and I often will assign children to listen to these parenting episodes as part of their counseling because the truth is that important.

And speaking of counseling, please email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894 if you would like personalized biblical counsel for you and or your family. And of course, join us next time as we talk about the second to last form of sorrow.

This sorrow is another one we want our kids to experience. It's the sorrow we experience when we respond correctly to the divine sorrow. I'll see you then. Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship God through your parenting.

So join us next time as we study God's Word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness. And remember that TLP is a listener-supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.