Enemies Within The Walls: Failing To Reconcile (part 3)

Father in heaven we come before you this morning. Just thankful for your word. Thank you for Your promises thank you for the gospel father we thank you that we have this opportunity to gather together and to Encourage let one another to love and good works and to be reminded of what your word Says on important interpersonal issues and father.

I pray that you would build up our church that you would cause us to Practice the one another's and to love one another in a in a more full fashion. Father bless each one here in Christ's name. We pray Amen Well gone last week.

Conflict Resolution and the Need to Address Offenses

So we'll kind of briefly summarize what we've been talking about for lo these many months. I Began this series that I call enemies within the walls because I see within our church within Bethlehem Bible Church Certain weaknesses certain frailties.

Certain things lacking and so I wanted to address those but I as I contemplated this series I even thought you know what these are issues that don't just Cause disharmony here within the body, but also in our daily lives.

Either at home or even at the office. So we've been talking about these different issues and we come now to Conflict resolution and you know, I was in the army for three years before I got in the sheriff's department.

One of the things I loved about being in the army. I was a military policeman one of the great things about being an MP is you know you show up at a Domestic disturbance call as an MP and the good news was you never had to go back ever.

We never went back, you know, why? Always so, you know whether it was an arrest or not, we were always taking somebody out of The out of the house and taking them into the barracks. It was perfect. You know in in real life We would respond to those things and you know fairly often.

We would have to go back but not in the military. I love that 100 Solutions those are good. But the last time we were together we were talking about resolving offenses coming to Coming to to settle our differences.

And you know, let me just put it this way. Said this before but when you put two kids two young kids and thankfully we have a few young kids around these days. But if you put a I don't know Let's just make up some numbers a three-and-a-half and a two-year-old two-and-a-half-year-old.

I don't know. Let's just say it's January and Devaney and he put him in there and you just put a couple toys in between them. Then what happens. They both want to play with the same toys and they fight and they struggle and you have to Convince them to share.

We have a proclivity a natural proclivity towards selflessness hurt. Towards selfishness we want what we want and we want it when we want it and when we don't get it we we get upset and it's only by the grace of God through the indwelling Holy Spirit that we gradually learn to Prefer one another to consider the other more important than ourselves and to actually be able to resolve these things.

Let me ask you this question. Why is it that? Two people can be in an argument and Then a third person comes along and can resolve it in like seconds. Why is that because they're not personally involved, right?

Which means they are? Objective and. So what do they do? They listen to both sides and they make an objective. They're dispassionate about it. They're removed from the situation. They have no emotion.

There's no win or lose. There's just what makes sense. What's going to solve this problem? And you know, it's interesting a lot of times I mean as you can imagine oh, yeah now I remember the title I used to give myself as a policeman.

I Described myself as a social engineer you like that. Thank you. Thank you very much. People would ask me an airplane. What do you do for a living and I'd say I'm a social engineer and they go. What's that?

I I help people get along. It's true, right. I Go and people are having their their problems and I just it's my job to kind of come up with solutions. And so as a third party, it's a little bit easier because I'm not emotionally involved I don't really care about anything except for getting the problem solved.

But now we've been talking about this biblically and Biblically how we want to respond it. Well last time we we asked a few questions like this one, you know. Does someone offending you is it necessarily sin when someone offends you and the answer is?

No, it may or may not be. But I think our tendency is to frequently act like Well, you've offended me. Therefore. It must be sinful. Maybe not. How could it not be a sin if someone offends me? Well, they didn't intend to okay.

Do you have to intend something to be a sin? Well, I think if we're talking about communication probably I think. What why else would it not be a sin if someone offends you? Okay, so I'm gonna combine these two somebody said because it's true, right and The idea that somebody might be confronting you over a sin issue and bringing it to you and you might be offended initially.

So what if I may say so and I may. Ultimately it's so what because it's true. It's right. It's something that you need to hear. You may not like it. It may offend you but over time The Holy Spirit Lord willing will be working on you.

We mentioned last time and I think this is so important. We if we just if we could encapsulate Jesus teaching this way in terms of how we ought to treat one another. What do you say? You know do unto others as you would have them doing to you.

I don't know what the ESV says. But. But that's the picture the gold the so-called golden rule. And if we thought about how we would want to be confronted by somebody even if it's with regard to sin.

Then we probably would treat people a little bit better a little little differently, you know, we wouldn't say, you know. First of all, we wouldn't go to anybody else, right? If I sin. Is it right for you to go and tell ten people about it before you you know get their advice.

You ever know somebody to do that cloak it under the means of we're gonna get some advice. I need some counsel. Steve's in sin, and I don't know how to talk to him about it. Oh Well do tell give me more info.

Don't do that. Think about how you would want to be Talked to or confronted. And then we talked about choosing the right time and place. Assuming the best about the other person, you know a lot of times we could see something and Presume the worst and be wrong.

So we have to be careful about that. We want to build other people up we talked about that having the right motivation we want to edify and This is an important one. And I think it's Something that we lack.

We think that we have Effectively communicated because we told somebody something. What is communication? Yes. It's two ways and so how do we confirm that the message. I well, let's put it this way. Have you ever come home and or you know been at home your spouse comes home, you know, have you ever told your spouse something and Then found out later.

They completely misunderstood what you said. Has that ever happened to you? Well, why is that it's because you might have told them something but you didn't communicate it. What's the difference? They heard you.

Or maybe they heard part of what you said, but they didn't. They didn't respond and so therefore They never affirmed for you that they understood what you meant. It's it's critical if you're going to go confront Someone or if you're going to go talk to them about an issue that you have with them whether or not it's a confrontation.

Maybe they just hurt your feelings that you really don't think it's a sin issue. But it's something that just just needs to be resolved between the two of you. You know, and I think this is pretty common because here's what happens.

Somebody may even sin against you. But you don't want to chalk it up as a sin because then you know You're what you're under the obligation of Matthew 18. You have to confront them. You have to go to them.

You have to you know, go through all the things. So instead you just say well, they didn't really sin against me. They Hurt my feelings. I don't really think it was a sin. Well, may I just say if you're bugged about something if your feelings are hurt about something if there's a Separation between you and your brother or sister in Christ because of something that they said or did.

Then you need to talk to them. We have this idea that somehow we can Live together and yet live separately we can live in community with one another we can be brothers and sisters in Christ and yet Have our feelings hurt be bugged, you know be disturbed by something that somebody else did.

It ought not to be that way. We ought to look at each other and just go I love that person unreservedly without Qualification and you know, that's a hard thing to do, but we need to do that. Yes. Sometimes I mean there, you know, every one of us should have a little Janet Cooley inside of us saying buck up, you know.

So, yes, that's that's true, but on the other hand, you know here here's another way of looking at it. It's true. It'd be better if I could overlook things or whatever, but here's how I mean. Ultimately, here's how we should be able to look at it.

Is this person offends me? Can I shrug it off? Yes. But is it what's best for them in other words forget about me, I mean, I really wish we could do this. Forget about me. What about them? What do other how do they interact with other people?

How often do they do that same thing to other people and maybe they're not even aware. You know that they're running around they they know they're not throwing hand grenades. Maybe they're just throwing firecrackers everywhere they go, you know.

But upsetting people and they they're not even aware and it is it a. Is it a good thing to sort of if we can to sort of say, you know what? I this isn't that big of a deal to me and it doesn't hurt me.

I don't think it really impacts our relationship, but I could see where if you said this to other people. Could cause problems for you. You know or other people might not think of you as they ought to.

So maybe this is something you should think about and I think that's a good thing to do. So does that answer it? I think sometimes the answer is yeah get get tougher. But sometimes it's if I could put it this way be more tender.

Be more sensitive. You know and and again, I think the number one issue is too often. We we don't want to put ourselves out. For our brothers and sisters in Christ because it's hard. It's hard to talk to somebody else about their sin or even Just just the general way they they behave and how they kind of rub people the wrong way.

That's hard. Charlie that really is a great point because I mentioned communication and I mentioned only from the standpoint of the person who initiated the Communication who came with the message? What about the person who receives it?

You know in order for there to be effective communication that sense of What you just said where something, you know, let's just put it this way. It's a seed that's planted and You know, there are one or two ways it could go one is I just kind of shrug it out, you know I basically pick the seed up out of the dirt and throw it away.

Which would be you know get tougher. The other one is. You know, it hits me and I just go, you know ouch or whatever but over the next hour two hours. Days, whatever. I just kind of nurture that and the next thing, you know.

What was a small slight has become, you know as important all these different meanings. To where I've got I don't just have a seating where I have a full-blown tree and you know. Maybe an orchard and you know, it's it's just a major offense.

So, yeah, I think communication is sometimes we need to we need to be able to say when someone says something we go. Oh that hurts. We need to be able to explain or ask, you know, do you really mean to say?

That you know. Whatever is this I hear you saying and this is we don't talk like this. So, you know, please forgive my formality here. But I hear you saying, you know that you think I'm ugly and you don't like my tie.

You know am I correct in that because we are we should go to the parking lot. No. But I you know, I'm just I don't have a really great example. But sometimes we hear things and we go that sort of hurts or that bothers me or that doesn't sit right with me.

But we don't communicate there and right there is probably the best time to do it. Because the more we rehearse it the more we focus on it the more hurt we get the harder it is then to go back to that person and say.

You know, I heard you say that you'd like to throw me into the trash. Is that what you really meant and they didn't say that at all, you know. Totally theoretical but it goes back to our communication from last night probably no.

Yeah, it it can really it can happen and sometimes, you know. It is our mood or something somebody else said or whatever and so we really need to be on guard against that. So I think that's a really good a good point.

Other questions or. Okay, then we'll move on here. And as I've said before we're working through some stuff picked up from Ken Sandy's peacemakers website. And he says if an initial conversation does not resolve a conflict do not give up.

Persistence, Mediation, and Biblical Peacemaking

I Hear that a lot too, you know, I went Steve I went and talked to so-and-so about this issue and and we didn't get anywhere okay, so now what are you gonna do nothing because. You know, he's not gonna change his mind.

I Cannot stress this enough, you know as a church. We are really an extended family and we need to be willing to Pursue these issues until we're we're on the same page. Can you imagine saying to your wife?

Well, you know what or your husband? Well, you know what it just seems like. We're not gonna be able to resolve this. So let's just drop it. Well, the answer is yes. You can see doing that because you've probably said that before.

The question is whether it gets dropped or not. Because these unresolved things I don't know for some reason unresolved issues have a habit of Coming back. Because in the next argument about something else that's not probably related then, you know.

We have all these additional weapons to bring in it's kind of like, you know nuclear escalation. You have your one megaton bomb and I bring in my you know, ten megaton bomb and the next thing, you know, it's you know Conflagration there's a new mushroom cloud over the house.

We we need to resolve these things. Well, let me ask you this what happens if you're in the habit of resolving conflicts quickly and Calmly what it what happens. What do you think your life is like it's easier.

Why. Because you're not always doing what Charlie was talking about ruminating over things or importing meanings that aren't there or you know. Try and you're not bogged down with all these Conflicts in and Concerns but when you keep what scripture would refer to as, you know short accounts.

When we when we're able to do that life is simpler. Okay, if an initial conversation does not resolve a conflict here's something else they suggest and I think What I said earlier now listen to this carefully.

It may be wise to ask a spiritually mature friend for advice on how to approach the other person more effectively. This is after you go to them and notice what it also doesn't say is you might ask a spiritually mature.

It does not say a spiritually mature friend for advice on The problem on Their sin it says how to approach them more effectively in other words. What am I doing wrong in my communication? How can I communicate better with them and they also suggest more prayer, which is good.

You know ask the person that you I just need prayer. I need to be able to work through this. Now, let's let's look at Romans 12 verses 16 18. And when somebody has that what they read it, please. Romans 12 verses 16 to 18.

Doesn't that sound nice? Live peaceably with all. Now is that always possible? It can be really difficult, especially if we're talking about unbelievers, but you know what I say and I said this last weekend I was in Seattle visit my son did some other things but.

You know people say to me from time to time they say that must have been quite a dramatic. Change from being a police officer to a pastor. What do you think I say in response? Why why would I say not really?

Conflicts don't go away. That's correct. What's the main what do you think the main difference is and I'll say this sometimes I Don't take no, that's not the main difference. No, because I've done it on many occasions.

It's called pulpit crimes, oh, no, sorry. No, the I think that. Here's what I say, and this is rather glib. So just bear with me. I say well, it's similar in a lot of ways. I just have a different rule book because I'm no longer working with the penal code and the you know, the let's see business and professions code the health and safety code the.

We have a lot of codes in California. We did have a lot of codes in California. We have one book and. And why do you think that that's so key when we're talking about resolving conflict. It's not my standard.

It's God's standard and you know is everything black and white in Scripture. No. But when we read something like live peaceably with all people well, you know I think maybe the King James or other verse or other versions say, you know, especially those of The household of God or maybe I'm pulling that out of somewhere else.

But it doesn't matter that if you can't get along with people in the church. There's something wrong. You know it's one thing if you have an unbelieving neighbor who you know is constantly shooting bottle rockets over your backyard or something like that and Making your dogs yap or whatever they're doing.

I mean, that's one thing if you and and you need to call the police and all that other stuff and you go Gee, can I call the police? Yes, you can call the police. Don't call me before you call the police on that one.

But When it comes to people within the body, we ought to be able to resolve things because we believe in the same Savior. We have a similar goal in mind and we have a similar rule book or we have the same rule book.

We ought to be able to do that. But back to Sandy they say, you know if repeated careful attempts at a private discussion In other words go into the other person are not fruitful and the matter is still too serious to overlook.

There's no way you can bury it. It's it's important for that other person and It's important for your relationship with that other person. Then you need to ask they suggest and I think this is good one or two other people to meet with you and Your opponent notice how they phrase that.

That's the person that you're in conflict with why to help you resolve your differences through mediation arbitration or accountability. And I and I think this is good not one of the reasons is because it brings a certain it heightens the The responsibility the importance of the matter and you know, if somebody if you if I say to somebody.

You know what it seems to me obvious that we need to resolve this because you and I can't function as Brother and brother or brother and sister or it wouldn't be me saying sister and sister, but in Christ, but we need to resolve this.

We're not getting into a resolution, I don't think this is a church discipline issue, but we we need to come together somehow. I think I would love if somebody said, you know pastor Could you meet with me and so-and-so because we would really we're having trouble seeing eye-to-eye.

And it's like I said earlier if you have if you bring in a disinterested third party and actually Disinterested really isn't a good word because if you're meeting with me, I'm interested why? Because I care about both of you and I know what the scripture says and I want you to be able to work things out.

I want you to be able to get together to a right relationship as brothers and sisters in Christ. And so I am interested, but I'm disinterested in that. I don't really care. Who's right? I? Just want what's right.

I want things to be done in a good biblical God honoring way. I want us to think about okay Christ died for my sins and in light of that. How should I live? How should I treat my brother and sister in Christ in light of all I've been forgiven?

What should I be willing to forgive? How can I best serve this brother or sister in Christ? So moving on they say go and be reconciled. One of the most unique features of biblical peacemaking is the pursuit of genuine forgiveness and reconciliation.

Even though Christians have experienced the greatest forgiveness in the world. We often fail to show that forgiveness to others. To cover up our disobedience we use the shallow statements. Listen quote I forgive her.

I just don't want to have anything to do with her again. Now it reminds me. I have a daughter. I won't name her Megan. Her initials are Megan. She used to say this we go. What did you think of that food, and it's almost like legendary in our family should say I didn't really mind it.

I just don't ever want to have it again. That's not a ringing endorsement, and you know it's the same kind of thing. Well. I forgive that person. I just don't want to ever talk to them again. That's not forgiveness and again going back to when we started this series imagine if God said that.

Imagine if God said you know what I forgive Steve. I just don't ever want to see him again. What that would be stunning Karen well it could be and you know what two goats. There's only one thing to do is put them up on a hillside and just allow them to.

You know she said she asked. You know isn't it possible that within the body of Christ. We have some sheeps sheeps sheep and some goats some wheat and some tares. I Don't know. I don't want to carry it any further.

You know isn't it possible that there are unbelievers in other words in the midst of us. And is it possible that one of the reasons we can't resolve our conflict is because you know we have a believer and unbeliever yes.

But here's here's what I would I'm not just gonna suggest. I'm going to urge That here's it here's because here's an easy thing to do right I get into a Disagreement with Karen and Karen just goes well, you know what I'm just gonna let it go because Steve's a goat.

It you know what I'm saying. It would be easy to just go. Well. You know what it probably an unbeliever just. And I would say it's still important to go through this process why because Lord willing the goats the terror is either going to reveal themselves as Not a believer or for the first time in their lives.

They're gonna go I'm not a believer because we're going through a scripture. I see what the scripture says and I don't care. So I think it's a good. It's a good thing to do anyway. You know are you always gonna come to a resolution?

No, but I I think you really need to make every effort to do that so good question. But I would urge going through the process anyway, you know, why do we do church discipline? It's not I mean obviously the under.

The underlying reason is because we want the the person that we're doing church discipline upon to repent. But the other reason that we're doing is we make every effort to go after them. Why so that at the very end if they won't repent then we know what?

That they need to be put outside the church and treated like an unbeliever because. They're acting like an unbeliever whether they are or aren't and I'd say the same is true, you know with regard to these conflicts if somebody you know, let's say.

You know, it's it's hard for me to just you know, make up a name. So let's just say Zechariah is a member of our church. I Wanted to go to the Z's right away and you know this person Zechariah is just like in conflict with a bunch of different people at the church and You know over time We're constantly having him in for you know, these reconciliation conferences and we'd have to go, you know, there's something about this guy.

He just didn't get along with believers. Why is that? Well, maybe over time he'd show us that he is in fact not a believer now I'm going to. I've recently thought just really dwelt on these these are so good.

Four Promises of Forgiveness

One way to imitate God's forgiveness is to make now again. I'm not one for formula, but just listen to these the four promises of forgiveness when you forgive someone. The first one I will not dwell on this incident.

I'm not gonna think about it. I'm not gonna focus on it. I'm not gonna lay awake at night and just think about all the ways that you've hurt me that you've done wrong to me. This is when we say I forgive you.

I forgive you. These are the four things you need to say. I will not dwell on this incident. I will not bring this incident up again and use it against you. That's brutal. Especially, you know, and I and I'm I'm gonna sound like a sexist when I say this, please forgive me.

I think this is hard for women because. Well, and now now we can kind of even things up because guys are stupid. What do I mean by that? I mean like, you know if you're a WPI, obviously, you're not stupid and you can remember formulas.

And everything else, but if you're a guy your tendency is to forget details. Not so much with ladies. They really do remember, you know, if you want to know why guys forget anniversaries and stuff like that.

It's Just because we're guys and and it takes an effort to do that sort of thing. Women tend to remember the details. I mean, I. You know the and this is a generalization some guys really focus on details.

But not typically. So that's the second one. I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you. That is just that's when you know, you've really forgiven. Somebody is when you just say I I'm done with that.

Third one. I will not talk to others about this incident. You can't tell me that you have forgiven me and then go off and talk to Charlie and Tom and Janet and Vadim and other people, you know. Well, you know I've forgiven pastor Steve, but let me tell you what he did.

Well, I that doesn't really sound like forgiveness. And the fourth one I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship and that gets back to that other one. You know, I forgive him, but I don't ever want to talk to him again.

I forgive him, but I don't want to have fellowship with him. I forgive him, but I'm not gonna sit on the same pew. I'm not gonna hold the hymnal. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna. I'm like Forgive forgive forgets repair repair restore.

And I say remember that forgiveness is a spiritual process that you cannot fully accomplish on your own. You know, I think this is one of those Processes in life where we just go, you know, Lord, I believe.

Help my unbelief. I want to forgive. I don't know if I can do this. Good. Because you need to think I know it's the right thing to do. And by the grace of God, I'm going to do it. It's going to be hard and that's okay.

We need God to assist us to help us. Let's look at Matthew 5. This is something I inserted into Sandy's otherwise fine efforts because I I think this is something else that we neglect. Matthew 5 verses 23 and 24 if somebody would read that please.

What what's the principle here? What's that? Unresolved sin. Okay. So what should we? Make every effort to resolve. Okay, Gary. Resolve matters quickly. Yep. I agree. The hypocrisy of seeking forgiveness without giving it to others.

So we're going to. You know make an offering we're gonna in other words. This is talking about worshiping before the Lord and you know, just considering I mean imagine this you come here on a Sunday morning.

And you're just so thankful to be forgiven for all your sins and you know, how great the Lord has been to you. But you don't have to forgive somebody else or you know, you know that they have something against you and the implication would be Rightly, so you don't need to seek forgiveness from someone else.

How can you worship God? Knowing that either you've offended somebody else and you've not resolved it or You've not granted forgiveness to somebody else. How can you go and worship him? It is hypocrisy.

Don't even give. He says don't don't even give go back and resolve it. I mean, there are a lot of reasons people give for missing church. I think it's perfectly legitimate if you're sick, your spouse is sick.

Your child is sick. Somebody needs to take care of them. I've not heard this one. I would love to hear this one, you know pastor I was gonna come but it suddenly hit me that I Needed to resolve Some sin in my own life.

I needed to go confront somebody else on their sin. I needed to seek forgiveness and I knew I couldn't worship with my whole heart. Unless I did that first I Have never in Almost ten years. I've never heard that.

That would be a blessing to me. So next week I expect no. But but it's an amazing thing, right. I Mean as we're taking communion this morning for those who haven't who are just getting here. You know just think as you're taking the elements just go.

I'm so thankful that God has forgiven me and that I don't have to forgive others. That so-and-so in my life, you know has something against me. We would never want to do that. But this is the kind of thing that we should be doing.

We should be thinking about other issues in life. Not just our own personal sins. But since we may have committed against someone else or that may have been committed against us and how those need to be resolved quickly.

Scary said and they should be done rightly and before we worship. Let me put it another way when you get baptized. And my anniversary just came up the other day here. I was thinking back to the LA earthquake the big one and that was the night after or the morning after I got baptized.

We come up out of the water and it's not because your Sins have just been washed away by the water. But it's because you have a just kind of a renewed sense of your own Salvation and just the delight and the kind of spiritual Cleanness you have.

Way to get that same kind of sense every time we celebrate the Lord's table. In fact every time we think about our salvation, but we don't and oftentimes it's because we have these lingering issues that we haven't resolved.

They need to be resolved now. Listen to. What one commentator says about this passage he says. This envisages this portrays a worshiper who's traveled some 80 miles To Jerusalem with his offering. In other words, you didn't just roll out of bed and go to church in the morning.

You know like we can do here 80 miles you'd have to travel by Foot or whatever so it took a while to get there. Obviously to bring your offering probably a sacrificial animal. Who then leaves the animal in the temple while he makes a journey of a week or more to Galilee.

In other words go back to where you were in order to affect a reconciliation with his offended brother or sister before he dares to present his offering and. The improbability of the scenario emphasis.

Emphasizes Jesus's points and the importance of right relationships demands decisive action. It's important. It's something that we should Put at the top of our list. How could we worship a thrice Holy God who's forgiven us all our sins?

When there are issues that we won't let go of or that we won't seek forgiveness on how can we do that? And the answer is we shouldn't do it. Other thoughts about this, okay now. Other considerations. Now this first one.

I want you not to think about me when I read it. Be prepared for unreasonable people. What's you know sometimes you're gonna go to somebody and it might be like Karen said. You know this person might be a goat.

Might not be a Christian at all. Sometimes people are unreasonable and that's okay. Maybe maybe they've just got You know their walls up or whatever. Maybe it's gonna take time for them. Have you ever presented something to someone who was really close to you and They didn't respond the way you thought they would.

Has that ever happened. I think it probably has. Sometimes what's the right thing to do? She says raise your voice and no no what did you say? Walk away from it for a while and Let them think about it, you know so often though, you know if you if you go back to.

Most arguments typically they go this way, you know, I present a situation to you in which of course I'm right. You're offended. You respond to me in an offensive way. I respond to you in a more offensive way and we just kind of you know.

We exchange mortar fire and most often what should happen is I presented to you in a loving constructive biblical way. Maybe you don't like that. Maybe you're unreasonable in the beginning. Well, sometimes the Holy Spirit just has to work on you.

Sometimes the Word of God just has to work on you and that should be okay for me. It may not be a you know, I may not show up as Nathan to your David and just say You know what? You are the man, you know and kind of his old Crooked finger thing.

It may not be like that Sandy goes on to say whenever you are responding to conflict. You need to realize that other people may harden their hearts and refuse to be reconciled to you. We'll do this real quickly.