Biblical Counseling (part 12)

A loving Father, we come before you this morning, just marveling at your beautiful creation.

Even on this cold, sunny day, we look outside and see your handiwork all around. And Father, as we apply the principles of biblical counseling in our lives, help us to remember that your work is active in each of us and in the people that we are ministering to, and that your power is at work in broken vessels as we see

Christ formed in them and in us. In Jesus' name we pray, amen. All right, so the last time we met, we wrapped up that whole methodology of biblical counseling, those eight steps to just kind of someone who's not done counseling, what are some stages that you go through?

So on the first page in your handout, we have that love, know, speak, act. So counseling begins with loving the person that we want to minister to.

So you get involved, you want to be able to bring some inspiration and hope to the person who is maybe stuck in their sin or facing a difficult trial that they do not see how to find the

Lord's help through. And then the know was getting inventory to understand what the real situation was, not just the problems that is on the surface, but really what is underlying the situation.

And then being able to interpret what we are hearing, the terminology that is used in light of the biblical language.

So the Bible speaks to the core issues that underlie all the problems that we face and what is it that the real sin or the trial is in biblical terms.

And so that's the knowing part. Then we come to the speaking part, which is the bulk of counseling, which is to provide instruction.

So we want to be able to recognize how the Bible applies in this situation and be able to communicate the biblical truths to the person who needs counsel.

And part of that involves inducement or encouragement for that person to also walk along that path.

So it's not just a data dump, but an encouragement coming alongside and helping this person either deal with the sin temptation or in responding to the trial in a godly way.

And the last thing that we wrapped up a couple of weeks back was implementation and integration. So if the person hears everything or you understand everything but do nothing about it, then there is really no gain in that whole exercise.

And so how do you help someone implement and walk through? So there were some practical methods that we looked at in the implementation.

And that's kind of what we're going to be looking at this week and the next couple of weeks. And finally, integration in terms of how this truth is not just localized on the specific problem but spreads to all of this person's life, their connection with the church, and then how they can now minister to other people as well.

So these are kind of the broad spectrum of stages, phases, methods that we were looking at to get us more comfortable in ministering to people who need counsel.

Now today, we are starting what I think is the more important part of it, which is how do we counsel to specific situations and circumstances?

So this was what I just talked about, this table with love, know, speak, and do.

And then in your handouts, there is an attachment three. It's called Approximately 100

Go -To Texts for Biblical Counseling. And this is the page that I'm going to keep on the floor, and we don't have to be following this very closely, but this will hopefully give us some jumping off points to talk about some specific issues.

And then in this Sunday School environment, we'll walk through what counseling looks like, what are the right questions to ask, what are the right scriptures to go through, how are ways in which we help somebody who is struggling with a specific situation, whether it's someone you're ministering to, someone you know of, or yourself.

So if you don't have a handout, please do grab one. There's a few copies by the sound booth, and we'll begin.

So last time when we met, I asked which of these problems were of interest to you.

So I had a few that I checked off, and maybe we'll start with that if there is still an interest today.

And then if there are other topics, either from here or outside, we'll maybe work through This will be more of a practical walkthrough of dealing with counseling.

So the ones that we have checked off last time were B, that is anger, D and E, which is helping those who have been hurt or abused, and communication.

And then M and N, which was seeking forgiveness, granting forgiveness. And then the last one we checked was

Q, which was assurance of salvation. So if there is interest in any of these things, just shout it out, and then we'll begin with one of these topics.

I was preparing to just get started with anger, because that touches a lot of different topics that are related here.

But this is like the Sunday evening hymnal picking.

You pick the topic, and we'll walk through it. I'm not saying

I'm skilled at hymn navigations, or I know very few hymns without somebody leading them.

My tune would be in F minor, if there is such a thing.

So is there a topic that you would like to get us started? And the way you want to think of it is, if this is something that you are looking at for yourself, or someone that you're ministering to, or you know that someone could be helped by this, we'll use this as a means of thinking through, how do we, as a counselor, either for myself or others, walk through it.

Okay, I saw two hands. You go ahead. Anger? Okay. And what were you going to say?

Fear. Okay. So why don't we maybe just pick those two topics for today, and it might be sufficient to kind of walk through a lot of things that come from it.

One of the things I think all of you would know, actually before I begin,

I mentioned, you know, I'm very glad to have Pastor Steve in the Sunday School, because one of the things that happens in counseling is, we all counsel each other in various forms.

You know, once you're a believer, you know the word, there are ways in which you can apply the gospel, you can apply some scriptures. And then the more you do it, the more you recognize both the power of God's word to address problems, and you see the work of God in your life and in other people's lives, and so you can connect to see how you apply those truths in very practical ways.

So the more you do it, the better you get at counseling, you know, to do toward others.

So in the Bible, we always hear the term, you know, with gray hair, there is wisdom, and it is the people who have gone before us, who have done these, met these problems, faced these situations, and seen the hand of God in all of these things.

They have that experience to add to the biblical knowledge that many of us are growing in.

And so I'm going to count on Pastor Steve and others here who have probably dealt with those situations in the past to also contribute to how we walk through situations like this.

But before we do that, I want to read a verse, and then we'll look at anger. So the verse

I have, you don't have to turn there, I've read this many times before, is Romans 12, one and two. And there,

Paul says, I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

Verse two, do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that by testing, that by testing, you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

There are many things here, we've talked about this before, but I wanted to just leave that verse on the forefront of your mind in terms of how we are to live in light of the mercy of God, the grace of God, the salvation that God has given us, how the transformation of the mind is key in terms of how we don't conform to the world and the patterns that we are used to, and how by testing, we get to see the will of God in this particular situation.

So with that, let's jump into anger. It's sometimes helpful, there's, anger is one of those words that has so many implications, you know, you probably in your own life can think of five different contexts in which anger is a problem in your own spiritual walk.

And let's maybe begin with one such example. We'll work through how do we think around it, maybe we'll broaden it and then spread the application for biblical counseling in anger.

So, Jonathan, it doesn't have to be you, if you want to provide a context of what might be a challenge with anger that we face.

Excellent. Maybe we'll begin with this. So parenting and anger and parenting, and then the response on children who are acting in an angry way.

And I think, you know, for me, shepherding the child's heart, when Sunita and I had the infant,

Kathy was a huge help, because I hadn't realized how much, you know, looking to Christ, pointing our children to Christ was even more important than the behavioral change that I was looking for.

And one of the things that I still struggle with is, when I try to accomplish a good in my child's life, if I do it in a sinful way, that sinful manner of my parenting is what normally sticks with my child more than the good that I was hoping to accomplish.

And anger is one of those things that I think all of us can relate to. So let's begin with the questions that we want to be asking.

So who is the one who is angry? We'll start with a parent. So as a parent, I'm getting angry, and I recognize that I'm getting angry.

So it's one thing for me, the dad, to say, I'm fine in the way

I'm disciplining my children. And my wife is like, come on, what are you thinking? But the

Spirit of God is so good to us that when we sin in being sinfully angry with our children, that there is a conviction that we get already, and we know that we need to do something about it.

And that's the first place to start, which is to recognize that there is a need to change.

I may not know exactly how to change, what to change, but I know that something needs to change here.

And so we go to the scriptures for help. But before we go to the scriptures and unpack them, who am

I angry with as a parent normally? And that's great. I'm glad you put in a few things, but the will at the center of all of it.

And the thing is, unlike what we've done so far, which is like a methodical, you know, here are your steps.

This is how counseling works. You know, you're going to get some things, and then we'll work with it, and then we find a gap, and then we go back and look at the scripture or talk to some people and get some counsel.

But let's begin with the will. And it's thwarting, you know, the word that I normally struggle with a lot is the word frustration, because I get frustrated when

I have a goal, my will has a plan, and this is the end. But on the path, there is something that blocks it, which is exactly what you said.

And so what happens is if my frustration climbs to a certain point, then it manifests as anger or, you know, in a whole number of different ways.

And so when I find myself getting angry with my child, actually, so we heard a lot of good things.

Everyone could hear Charlie, right? So we'll come back to this in a moment. So who am I angry with when

I'm looking at a child who is either disobedient or willful or whatever the sin is?

Okay, so primarily, the child is the recipient of my anger. And it's implicit in a lot of ways.

Most of the times, I don't explicitly say it, but at the back of the mind, it is right there. It's like, you know, if I could articulate it, how dare you,

God, put this little brat in my, at this party. So the environment in which you are been placed, you know, dust, you know, and that was the word, the patience was the other word

I was going to pull in there, which is, you know, God's dealing with me is patient. He has the end in sight.

He's not looking for perfect for the tomorrow. You know, he knows when he's going to bring me to glory.

And he is patient with me to walk me through that whole thing. So when I look at how God deals with me in the gospel, in my sanctification, and I want to be able to reflect that same thing in my dealing with my child in terms of 200 times

I've told you not to break the glass jar. Wife, why did you put that glass jar there?

She gave me the fruit. You know, it's easy when my will is thwarted to find all of these other things.

And then the solution is always to go back to look at God, the mercy that we have received through Christ and then recognize, now what do

I need to do in light of this truth? So we've looked at a little bit about this, you know, the source of anger, the objects of our anger.

Now let's talk a little bit more about why we are getting angry.

We already touched on it a little bit more, a little bit here. One of them was, you know, frustration of my will.

But if we go back to look at, there is, I think you kind of framed it somewhat nicely. Maybe we'll do that whole part of inventory and interpretation.

So, you know, here's how we see the data. Now, biblically, how am I going to interpret it and label it with biblical terms?

So what you said, which I'm alluding to, is there is clearly something sinful in my response of anger to my child, and I want to deal with that.

But you also were saying, there is something I need to do that's going to cause discipline, pain in my child, which is not a bad thing.

It is an important thing I need to do. And how do I now kind of tease those two things apart, you know, in terms of why am

I trying to do the one thing, which is discipline and bring a fruit of good in my child's life without sinning by getting angry and then instead of producing the fruit,

I'm actually producing the fruit of bitterness in my child, or I'm actually sending directly to God as well.

So what are some biblical principles that are undergirding my response to my child's sin?

We'll just call it sin. What are some good reasons in which I'm responding that I need to have while I'm responding to my child's failures?

You did it perfectly. Yeah, and that's exactly right. So, you know, here is a situation in my child's life that I need to be able to handle, but I also need to see it, recognize it as a trial in my life that is under the sovereign hand of God and how am

I going to respond in a godly way. And as the parent, I have a double responsibility of not just dealing with God rightly as I'm instructing my child, but also showcasing how

I do that with my child who's observing what I'm doing. Oh, yeah, and a couple of things there.

One is we are frail. There's no perfect parent on this side of eternity.

Only God our father is the one who never sins in disciplining us and correcting us.

So we want to recognize that there is, my past is filled with failure and there's going to be more failures in the future where I'm going to be offended sinfully rather than look for the welfare of my child or the honor and glory of God.

But because I'm looking at this, I want to grow in my sanctification. So I'm looking more carefully the next time

I'm ministering to my child. I'm willing to put myself, not exalt myself in the way that honor is due, but I want to help my child recognize how to honor the father and the mother in a way that is helping them see

God better through all of this. So let's maybe just, because we're looking at the counseling side,

I'm going to quickly tie up the discipline for a positive thing and then we'll come to the challenges we face in anger.

Amen. And thank you for saying that. And here is where your theology comes in, where you're now looking, you used to see your child yourself in a different light and then you look in light of the gospel, it's like it should have been a whole lot worse, a whole lot earlier.

But for the grace of God, I have what I have. And I'm thankful that the Lord has protected my child from something even worse.

And how do I now look to the gospel in terms of ministry? So let me just maybe say a few points, we'll tie this up and then come and look at anger more specifically.

So obviously, one cure to anger would be, hey, child, do whatever you want,

I'm not going to get angry at you. And that would be, okay, you're not sinning with regards to anger, but you're sinning in your parental responsibility of loving your child.

So that would not work. So we don't just say, the child can sin freely and I'm not going to let it bother me.

I do want to be able to discipline the child with loving admonition. And I mean, for parents here, young parents here,

I would still recommend that book. There are other books to shepherding a child's heart, which is, when you are angry, just walk away.

Do not spank your child in anger because you're just compounding the sin and not helping your child walk through that process.

Quickly do business with the Lord and come back with the intent of the love for the child and the love for the

Lord and relying on the grace of God toward helping this child grow. So that's the positive side, we'll tie that up.

But let's come to the actual problem of anger. We've already touched about a bunch of different things that are all underlying my root cause for anger.

And if I'm thinking theologically correctly, then I recognize how

I need to be transformed in the renewing of my mind. Yes, this is a child who has sin deeply bound in the heart.

Yes, this is a child that's not going to turn over and be the perfect child tomorrow. I'm the parent for the next 10 years, 20 years, however long.

And I'm looking to help this child grow. And I'm going to showcase Christ here rather than myself as the father figure who's going to bring wrath and doom on this child.

If this ever happens again, it will happen again. So here are the theological things to work through.

But now look at yourself as an individual. Now you know the theology behind it. Let's just assume there's plenty of other scriptures to talk about.

If you do not have a conviction that angrily reacting to your child is a sin, we can talk about a whole bunch of scriptures about that.

So we'll just assume for now that we all recognize that it is a sin. Now the challenge is how do we walk past that pattern that we have been in?

I mean, I grew up in a home where my dad is super angry. This is India. And you get like corporal punishments to have a completely different meaning.

I think some of you older generation folks might know that. And so for me to translate that in terms of how

I discipline my child took a lot of effort. And sometimes I can tend to go the other way. But if I have been patterned either from my past or my own behavior in the recent past in disciplining my children, which has involved a lot of anger, what would be some good steps to take to put off anger and put on the biblical kind of love?

And I think your answer to almost everything begins with what you just said, which is look to Christ.

And he can give you examples in a lot of different areas of our own trials and temptations.

But when it comes to anger, it's like if anybody had a just cause to be angry, that would be Jesus. And here is the exemplar, our savior, who kind of walks before us and says, and he recognizes our own failures.

So it's not like, he's like, hey, what's wrong with you? Get better at parenting. He fully empathizes with all of our struggles and weaknesses, but he also empowers us through those times.

So it should begin with the gospel, which is, I don't have to beat myself up for all my past because I'm a child of God, despite my terrible failure in parenting.

And I have the spirit of God indwelling me who can take the truths that I have just heard and help me walk in this path because my captain has gone before me.

So that's one. Was there anything else? Yes. I'm assuming you have a better answer than my question, but I'm glad you mentioned a bunch of verses.

We were gonna come to that, but I'm glad you highlighted them because part of it is, not all anger is sin, but there are some anger that is very sinful.

And to recognize this particular case, what is the anger that I'm sinful for? You might need some scripture, but in terms of responding, you know, be slow to anger.

You know, here is the root cause of your anger, your selfish desires. So there's a whole bunch of other scriptures that you may need.

And depending on your particular situation, not all of the scriptures will apply. There may be one or two that are particularly my trigger points that I need to kind of hide that scripture in my heart.

And when that, I've seen that trigger happen in the past. So the next time, like you said,

I need to be careful and watching out for it. As a child of God who wants to honor

God in my parenting, this is what I'm looking for the next time. And if I have to step back, that's what I need to do to recognize it.

But more importantly, the theology that I know, I need to apply that in this particular situation to understand it better, whether it's my own frailty, my child's frailty, or the circumstances that I'm facing, and then be ready for it the next time.

As I'm looking to God for help, you pray for the situation. I thought I saw another hand. Was there?

Yes. And I think in that thing, one of the struggles I normally have is knowing that right path to follow in the middle of this extremes that I might have.

The situation itself is ordained by God. So it is good. Now, in my response to it, I have to be very careful because I can tend toward the anger side or the lack side.

And more often than not, it's like you go too far one end and then you come back again.

But recognizing that even in my failures on either side, God is still sovereign. And we trust him to walk us through that, navigate us through that.

But you're right. Romans 8 .28 is like one of the life verses for almost all trials. I thought

I saw another hand here, but Charlie and Steve. Steve, go ahead.

Great question. I am under oath to finish in three minutes. But I think this is a good thing.

We'll maybe continue next week when we follow through. So just to summarize a couple of things, but to determine how we move forward.

So on the one hand, all sin disqualifies us from heaven. And any sin, the blood of Christ is able to free us from.

And when we look at sin in general, there is degrees of sin. The Bible clearly talks about that, both in terms of the seriousness of the sin and the penalty for that sin in hell.

There is greater pain for certain sin that is committed.

But everybody is who sins is in hell if their blood is, if their sin is not covered by the blood of Christ.

And there is such a thing as, you know, death confine for, you know, a minor offense and vice versa.

And I think, and I don't know, at least my experience has been like, when the sin becomes really severe,

I find that I'm actually thinking the most clearly because I recognize the gravity of what has happened.

I typically don't explode. I normally cry. I pray by myself or with my spouse.

We come up with a strategy before we go and deal with this major problem that happens.

Not like my daughters ever committed murder. But there are some things that are weighing more heavily in our lives and our parents' mind as we think of the danger of this particular sin and the consequences of it.

And so I'm more careful in handling that. And my child does need to recognize that some things are severe and I deal with them in a specific way.

And when there are minor infractions of spilt milk, I want to be able to teach them there as well.

Maybe some of it is just, how do you coordinate your hand and eye and focus on one thing at a time?

That's all I'm teaching. It's not some black hole in the heart that I'm trying to correct.

And the thing is, and so as a parent, I need to be able to discern that, recognize for myself, if I'm not, if I'm always at level five all the time, my child is not learning what the child needs to learn.

So let me actually stop here. We'll continue next week. So great. Thanks, everyone. I thought there was a lot of good inputs here.

We can learn from each other through this. So let's pray. Our loving father, we thank you for this time.

I pray that the conversation that we had here would help each of us in our own parenting and the way in which we respond with anger to trials and that, oh, father, you would continue to sanctify us and the people that we deal with, especially our children.