The Twin Pillars of a Godly Marriage - “The Role of a Husband” (Part 1) | Adult Sunday School

Good morning. Well, welcome back to our continuing series on marriage and family. And as we begin here, open your Bibles to the fifth chapter of Ephesians. Ephesians chapter five, verse 23 for this morning.

It's 523 this morning. And let's open with a word of prayer. Our great God and heavenly Father, we thank you for your work of grace in our lives. That you sent your son into this world, that he might be the sin bearer for your people.

That he would live the life that we could never live, and that he would die the death that we so rightfully deserve and then through his resurrection power, he freely offers to us through your spirit life everlasting.

Our Father, as we open the word this morning together, we pray that you would help us to be alert, attentive, that your spirit would do his good work in us, that we would be transformed by our time here together in Jesus' name, amen.

Authority and Submission in Marriage

Well, beloved, we live in an age when there is a growing disdain and pushback against authority and the traditions and institutions that hold it. This rejection of the ruling order should not come as a surprise to us considering the corrupt and insular and unresponsive nature of most of the leadership in business, legacy media, or government.

They are unresponsive and unconcerned with the needs of common people. That is, unfortunately, the world in which we live. The economic chasm between the ruling class and the working class has never been greater, never been greater.

There is a French term called noblesse oblige, which in my minuscule amount of French literally means nobility obliges, nobility obliges. And it refers to a belief among some of the ruling class in the 18th century that wealth and power and prestige create social responsibility, that wealth, power, and prestige create social responsibility.

Now, that idea is practically incomprehensible today in our world. And what in the world does noblesse oblige have to do with a sermon series on biblical authority and submission in marriage, you might wonder?

And that would be a fair question, be a fair question. But actually, very much indeed, very much indeed. Husbands are leaders, husbands are leaders. And as Christian leaders, we must be servants of all.

Jesus says in Matthew chapter 10 and verses 42 and following, calling them, that is his disciples to himself, Jesus said to them, you know that those who are recognized as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them.

But it is not this way among you. But whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant. And whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life a ransom for many.

James Hurley, James Hurley in his very, very fine book called Man and Woman in Biblical Perspective, Man and Woman in Biblical Perspective, James Hurley, he writes the following. Leadership involves the responsibility to take action for the sake of others rather than the right to command others for one's own benefit.

Read it to you again. Leadership involves the responsibility to take action for the sake of others rather than the right to command others for one's own benefit. Excellent words, excellent words. The Bible unequivocally teaches that a husband has been placed by God into a position of considerable authority within his marriage and his home.

But many men are failing to utilize their authority as God intends. They either wield it to their own advantage or, and this is, I believe, far more often, they abdicate its usage in order to be a nice guy.

They abdicate the usage in order to be a nice guy. There can be no leadership without authority. That is a bedrock principle of the created order. There can be no leadership without authority. When a husband abdicates his authority, he abdicates his leadership.

When he abdicates his authority, he abdicates his leadership. And that leaves the marriage union open to attack by outside influences and pathologies. In all my years of pastoral marriage counseling, and it is considerable, unresponsive, self-absorbed, checked-out husbands and fathers are far more frequent than micromanaging authoritarians.

It is far more often the case that in a marriage problem, it is the husband who is checked out than it is that he is some sort of micromanaging authoritarian. Brian Chappell, in his fine commentary on Ephesians, addresses the same thing when he says, and I quote, abdication of responsibility is more common than domination.

Abdication of responsibility is far more common than domination. And that is true of us men.

It is true of us.

Why do husbands check out?

Why?

Why do husbands check out? Well, there are a number of reasons for it, I think. Let me suggest a few. Some are fleshly men and do not care about anyone but themself. That's the sad reality. Some are fleshly men, and they don't care about anybody but themselves, and thus they are checked out of their marriage.

But most men, most men are unprepared for marriage,.

Unprepared for marriage,.

And they don't know how to be a husband when they get married. And this is often due to either poor role models or a lack of biblical instruction in these important areas, and so men enter into marriage woefully unprepared for what lies before them.

Often a lack of success in leading their wives and children cause men to be relationally shut down and to turn to other areas where they are more competent and receive encouraging feedback, and that area is often outside of the home.

Sensing their failure at home, they turn out to where they will be appreciated, where they have subject competency. Typically, husbands are spiritually immature when they get married, spiritually immature, and that means they don't know how to love and serve others.

They just don't know. Now this, by the way, I'm not saying that women are not spiritually unprepared to be married, but we're talking about men, and this is frequently true of men, frequently true. Tragically, many men remain negligent because they reject the means of grace.

They reject the means of grace, not the least of which is serious and diligent Bible reading and meditation. Men don't read their Bibles anywhere near enough, anywhere near enough. Biblical change is difficult.

Biblical change is difficult, and a Christian marriage like farming requires a lot of work on the front side in order to see a bountiful harvest on the back side. We will get out what we put in. We will reap what we sow.

Now, as husbands, it would be easy, and I can speak from subject experience here, it would be easy to be overwhelmed and discouraged by our own failures. It would be very easy. But instead of turning in on ourselves, men, in self-pity, we need to run to the gospel.

We need to run to the gospel. Because it is there we will find the forgiveness and the strength and the hope we need to change, and change we must. Paul writes in verse 25 of Ephesians chapter five, husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church.

As husbands, that means we don't need to figure this out on our own. That should encourage us. Run to the gospel. We don't need to figure this out on our own. But what we need to do is to seriously ponder the example of the one who loves perfectly.

We need to seriously ponder his example. Wives, a word to you as we begin. As we go through this series over the next six weeks, I want to ask you to pray for your husband. Pray for your husband. Your husband bears a frightening and humbling weight of responsibility for the state of both his marriage and his home.

Please pray for your husbands. Husbands, as we begin together, let's heed the words of the apostle Paul in First Corinthians chapter 16, verses 13 and 14, where he writes, be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

Let all that you do be done in love. Let all that you do be done in love. What we have before us beginning this morning is 14 characteristics. I almost feel embarrassed to say that, right? 14 characteristics of a husband's authority.

14 characteristics of a husband's authority. So that we might understand, appreciate, and exercise in a Christ-honoring fashion that leadership in our homes and our marriages. 14 characteristics. This morning we will look at just one of them.

Just the first one.

It is this. A husband's authority is unavoidable. The first characteristic is that a husband's authority is unavoidable. As we begin the study on a husband's authority, it's important to understand its unavoidable reality.

Unavoidable reality.

Why?

Because this will set the foundation for the future studies as we examine how that authority is to be exercised. First, let's understand that it is an unavoidable reality for all husbands everywhere. And then we will build on that and begin to look at how it is to be exercised.

This morning, the unavoidable nature of the husband's authority is demonstrated in the following ways. First, by the meaning of the word head. If you're taking notes, here's your outline.

For this morning.

The meaning of the word head. Second, the events of creation. The meaning of the word head. Second, the events of creation. Third, the grammatical construction of Ephesians 5 .23. The grammatical construction of Ephesians 5 .23.

And then fourth, additionally, the husband's headship being unavoidable means that he has, fourth, an inescapable leadership role in his home. An inescapable leadership role in his home. That's our outline.

So, let's begin. In 5 .23, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body. Now notice in verse 22, Paul calls on the wives to be in submission to their husbands as an act of devotion, right?

Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. Now here in verse 23, he provides the reason. The reason, you see it there in the use of the word for. At the beginning of the verse. This provides the reason why the wives are to be in subjection to their husband.

The answer is because he is their head. Because he is her head. Excuse me.

Now, let's look at this first.

The Meaning of Headship

The meaning of the word head. The meaning of the word head. Kephale is the Greek word. If you want to write it down, it's K-E-P-H-A-L-E.

Kephale.

Kephale.

It's translated head, and it means simply this. Authority over or ruler. We looked at this some time back. That's what it means.

That's indisputable.

It means authority over or ruler. That's what it means by the word kephale translated in English, head. Wayne Grudem, I think rightly concludes in his very good work, I commend it to you, Evangelical Feminism and Biblical Truth by Wayne Grudem.

He writes the following. When person A is said to be the head of person B, kephale means person A is in authority over person B. You're in authority. If you are the head, you are in authority over another person.

Now, pardon me. This relationship of loving authority and voluntary submission originates within the nature of God himself. It is an expression of how the members of the Trinity relate to each other. Father, Son, and Spirit, equally God in every sense of the word, and yet they operate within the Godhead in an authority structure.

They operate within the Godhead in an authority structure. Turn with me to 1 Corinthians 11.

And verse three.

I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. Flip over to chapter 15, beginning in verse 26. Pick up in 25. He that is Christ must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet.

The last enemy that will be abolished is death, for he has put all things in subjection under his feet. But when he says all things are put in subjection, it is evident that he is accepted who put all things in subjection to him.

When all things are subjected to him, then the Son himself also will be subjected to the one who subjected all things to him, so that God may be all in all. Thank you. Within the Godhead itself. The three persons of the Godhead operate within an authority structure.

Within an authority structure. Furthermore, furthermore, at the Father's direction, and in accordance with his eternal plan, right, he has made the Son head of the church,.

And Lord of creation.

Matthew 28. All authority has been given to me. It has been given to me. Thus, I think we can rightly conclude that all authority stems from God the Father. All authority stems from God the Father, and in order to understand it and exercise it properly, we must understand it as he has intended it.

When all else fails, follow the manufacturer's instructions. Okay, this is probably particularly good for men, because when we get something, what's the first thing we throw away? I don't need no stinkin' directions, I'm a man.

But when all else fails, follow the manufacturer's instructions. The unavoidable nature of the husband's authority is demonstrated, first there, through the meaning of the word head. Second, the unavoidable nature of the husband's authority is demonstrated through the events of creation.

Creation Order and Male Headship

The events of creation. When was the husband's headship established? When was it established? 1 Corinthians 11, verses eight and nine, Paul writes, for man does not originate from woman, but woman from man.

For indeed, man was not created for the woman's sake, but the woman for the man's sake. Now notice, in discussing the topic of relationships between men and women, Paul takes us back to the second chapter of 1 Corinthians.

The second chapter of Genesis. He goes all the way back to the beginning, before the fall. And this is key. This is key to understanding male headship. To recognize it is not merely a social convention subject to societal women change, but it is an outworking of the creation order as God has determined it.

We know that Paul understood this reality by the fact that he roots it here back in Genesis 2. We'll go ahead and turn there to the very beginning of creation. 224, for this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

By the way, Jesus also refers to the same event in Matthew 19, when addressing the issue of divorce, when the Pharisees try to trap him, where he writes in verses four and five, he answered, that is Jesus answered and said to them, have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female?

And said, he who made them said, for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. That is God's commentary on the creation narrative.

For this reason indicates that the account of Adam and Eve are foundational to understanding God's ordinance for marriage. All the subsequent relationships between men and women find their origin here, it is in this first marriage.

Now, the evidences for headship from creation are plentiful, plentiful. Notice with me in verse seven of chapter two, that Adam was created first. Then the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and man became a living being.

Again, think about Paul's commentary in first Corinthians 11. Man doesn't originate from woman, but woman from man. Chapter two, verses 21 and following, 21 and 22. The Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man and he slept and he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place.

The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which he had taken from the man and brought her to the man. Adam was created first. That indicates priority, priority. Woman was made to be his helpmate, his helpmate, verse 18.

Then the Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him. That, by the way, is the actual antecedent for verse 24, for this reason, for what reason? It's not good for a man to be alone.

I will make a helper that corresponds to him. So the woman is made to be the helpmate of the man. Notice as well with me that Adam names the woman twice. Twice he gives her name. And naming is an exercise of authority.

Naming is an exercise of authority, 219. Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name.

Naming implies authority, implies authority. We'll notice in verse 23, the man said, having had Eve brought to him, the man said, this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. And by the way, we're gonna look at that marriage formula later.

She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. The Hebrew word is ishah. She shall be called ishah because she was taken out of Ish. Ishah is the feminine form of the Hebrew word for man.

Ish is the Hebrew word for man. And she shall be called ishah because she was taken out of man. Later in chapter three and verse 20, we see Adam naming the woman again. And the man called his wife's name Eve because she was the mother of all the living.

The word literally means living or life. So Adam names the woman. By the way, this is what stands behind the tradition that a wife takes her husband's name and not the other way around. So what lies behind that marriage tradition in the Christian-influenced Western world of bygone era?

Finally, Adam's authority and leadership is demonstrated when God calls him and holds him accountable when it is Eve who is the one who ate first and sinned, right? We see that in verse nine of chapter three.

The Lord God called to the man and said to him, where are you? 317, then to Adam God said, because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying you shall not eat of it.

And then he pronounces the Adamic curse. Paul in Romans five and verse 12 says that sin entered the world through one man, Adam. So Adam's leadership, his authority, again, no leadership without authority is demonstrated in that he is held accountable by God for the fall of man.

So the unavoidable nature of the husband's authority is demonstrated through the meaning of the word head, second, through the events of creation, third, the grammatical construction, the grammatical construction of Ephesians 5 .23.

The Indicative and the Imperative in Ephesians 5:23

So back to 5 .23. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body. The grammatical construction. It plunges us into a very simple but very important fundamental understanding of Greek grammar, English grammar too for that matter, but we're dealing with the difference between what's called the indicative and the imperative, the indicative and the imperative.

The indicative verb is used to express a statement of what is, what is. The imperative verb expresses what ought to be, what is and what ought to be, and we need to make sure we pay careful attention.

To the difference.

For example, the indicative, the room is cold, the dog is barking, the ball is round, those are indicative statements, they are a statement of reality, this is the way it is. Conversely, the imperative would be turn on the heat, bring in the dog, throw me the ball.

Those are imperatives, they are commands to be obeyed. The significance of all of this is that Paul's statement about the husband's headship is an indicative statement, it is an indicative verb. In other words, it's a statement of what is.

It states the reality that is true of all marriages for all times. All marriages for all times, believer and unbeliever alike, the reality is the husband is the head of the wife. Husbands are never commanded to become the wife's head.

That happened when they exchanged covenantal vows, that's when it happened. By the way, side note, the gospel is the great indicative. It is the great indicative, there is an imperative associated with it which is to proclaim it, but the gospel itself is actually a great indicative of what God has done in Christ.

And then we proclaim it. Now, back to the text here. Husbands do have a number of commands that spring forth from the indicative, and they govern the way the headship works itself out. For example, verse 25, there we have an imperative.

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her. That is an imperative, it's a command. It's a command based on the indicative reality that you are her head.

But the basic reality is this, men, you are the dominant one in the marriage. You are the dominant one in the marriage because you are her head.

You are her head.

How do you like that word?

I bet you'll love it.

We'll play with it here a little bit. The reason this grammatical point is so significant is because as husbands, we will not obey the imperative unless and until we understand the indicative. Unless and until we understand the indicative, we will never obey the imperatives.

The application of all of this, gentlemen, is that we have an inescapable leadership role in our homes. We have an inescapable leadership role in our homes. The scriptures do not command you to become the leader of your home.

That is a declared reality that happened when you wed. The question is, how do you manifest the inescapable leadership?

What does it look like?

Because the man is the head, the one who carries the authority in the husband-wife relationship, and here I will quote from Doug Wilson's fine book called Reforming Marriage, quote, we cannot successfully refuse to lead men.

We cannot successfully refuse to lead.

Why?

Because it is an inescapable reality. We are the head.

We are the head.

We are the head of our marriage, head of our wife, head of our children, head of our home. In other words, because God has created marriage in this way, every man is the leader of his wife and family.

He is the dominant one in the relationship. He is the dominant one in the relationship. And the question then is, what does your rule or dominance look like? That's the question before the house. It's an inescapable reality.

This is who you are. The question now is, what does it look like, huh? How are we doing with it? If the husband, if the husband follows the pattern of Christ in their home, then their home will be dominated by a loving servant leadership.

Their home will be dominated by a loving servant leadership, which provides a nurturing and life-giving environment where both their wife and children will thrive. I'll say it to you again. If the husband follows the pattern of Christ in their home, then their domination will be characterized by loving servant leadership, just like Christ's domination is characterized by loving servant leadership.

And that will provide within the home a nurturing and a life-giving environment for both wife and children. In other words, the home will prosper. It will prosper. However, if the husband is regularly gone from the home and the marriage due to business or other commitments, his home will be dominated by his absence.

His home will be dominated by his absence. Again, to quote Wilson in that book, how many children have grown up in a home dominated by the empty chair at the table? How many children have grown up in a home dominated by the empty chair at the table?

Dad's not there. The result of that kind of domination will be relational distance and detachment. Relational distance and detachment. Yeah, dad always provided for us financially.

He was a good provider,.

But he was never around when I needed somebody to talk to. He was never there. That's a home dominated by his absence. For something that on the surface, it seems to be a noble cause, right? He's providing for his family.

And yet, and yet. If the husband abdicates his leadership and his authority in the marriage, and thus by his abdication, encourages his wife to assume a role for which she is neither suited nor called, then that home will be dominated by his abdication.

It is his abdication from his responsibility that will dominate the home. And I might add, a frustrated wife and disrespectful children will come along with the package. Will come along with the package.

Ask your father, mom, why would I ask dad for advice? He doesn't know anything and he's never here anyway. That's a home dominated by an abdication of leadership authority. To put it in the vernacular, his wife now wears the pants in the family.

Even divorce does not terminate the husband's leadership, authority, and influence on his family, even divorce. He's just now becomes a leader whose influence is characterized by distance, inattention, self-absorption, broken promises, and covenant unfaithfulness.

There is a pernicious lie that divorce somehow can separate you and turn the hands of the clock back. It cannot, it cannot. Again, to hear James Hurley in his fine book. Headship demands involvement. Headship demands involvement and involvement demands time.

I can remember when we were, I was a younger parent,.

Not, I guess I'm still a parent, is that true?

Yeah, I think so. I've got kids, so I guess I'm still a parent, even though my kids are, well, whatever. I can remember a time, 30 years ago or so, when they were selling the pernicious lie that it was about quality time, not quantity of time.

Some of you remember that? You're old enough to remember that. Yeah, it's all, you know, it's quality time. No, yes, I mean, it is quality time, but it is no substitute for quantity. We cannot program the time when our children's heart opened to us, Jen, right?

We can't program it.

Hey, you know, I'm gonna go out to coffee with you and we're gonna sit down and we're gonna have a heart talk and relate and, yeah, maybe, but more than likely, no. More than likely, no. When will the heart talk come?

Oh, I don't know, maybe when you're working together on some project, or perhaps when they're young, it's right before bed, when you're kneeling and praying at their bedside, and then you'll have to figure out, are they just stalling?

But we can't program these things. There's no substitute for quantity of time. For a man, for a man, marriage is not so much about privilege as it is about responsibility. For the man, marriage is not so much about privilege as it is about responsibility.

If we wanna see the fruit of a bountiful garden, then we need to make an effort to learn about gardening. If we want to see the fruit of a bountiful garden, then we need to make the effort to learn about gardening and then roll up our sleeves and get on our knees in the dirt.

That's what it requires. Men, as we begin this together, it's a great time to take inventory. It's a great time to take inventory of our lives. Be honest with God about our own shortcomings. Be honest with God about your shortcomings.

He knows what they are. You're not telling him anything he doesn't know. Be honest with him. And then let's reacquaint ourselves with the life-changing power of the gospel. And as we begin to seek to be filled by the Spirit of God, we will begin to walk after him in this essential aspect of manhood.

That's what's before us.

May the Spirit of God apply his truth to your heart where it needs to be. May you leave not defeated, but encouraged. Because you know what? Today is the first day of the rest of your life. It is never too late to repent.

Let's pray.

Father, the weight of it all is heavy, but it is not too heavy if we will but avail ourselves of what you have offered to us in Christ. It is in Christ that we have full and complete pardon, forgiveness for all our sin.

It is through the word of Christ that our minds and hearts are cleansed and washed and we are brought into conformity to the mind of Christ. And that we begin to see and think and feel as he does. That our values, which are so often topsy-turvy in this world, can be turned upside down and thus right side up.

Our Father, I know that there are men here among us who have and will confess that they either have been or now are presently out of balance in their lives. They've allowed other priorities to slip in.

The hard work of being a husband and a father has been set aside somewhat for other activities, other pursuits, which provide a more immediate return. And yet they are so temporal. They are so fleeting.

They are so passing. And yet as we learned last week, we are eternal beings. When a husband and a wife come together and bring a child into the world, they bring an eternal being into the world. And it is the eternal relationships that go on into the coming kingdom.

And so there is no investment that we would be called upon to make that is not worth it a million times over. Help us, our Father, to have our priorities squared away. Help us as men to be able to admit both to you, to our wives, to our children where we have failed, to humble our heart and to seek their forgiveness, to enlist their help and support in trying again.

Lord, may you build the strength of the marriages and the families here that we would be a lighthouse in this community, a community that is characterized by brokenness of sin everywhere we look. Oh, Lord, do a good work through us, not for ours, but for Christ alone, amen and amen.

All right, gentlemen, blessings on you. Come back, okay, I hope.

Thank you.