The Twin Pillars of a Godly Marriage - “The Role of a Wife” (Part 3) | Adult Sunday School

Testing, testing, test, test, test, I think it's good, yeah. You folks are well -trained.

You're learning, huh? Not that well -trained? I don't know, there's like a hush that falls over the crowd.

Everybody's not looking at their watch, so somehow you've got it figured out. Probably like how we know when it's lunchtime, right?

We just sort of know. Just sort of know. Well, welcome,

I trust you all had a blessed Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for, don't we?

Our God is all the time good, all the time good. Well, let's begin with a word of prayer.

Well, our great God and Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, how thankful we are for your kindness to us, that in your love you set your affection upon us, that you sent your

Son to redeem us, you sent your Spirit to fill us, and that through him we might receive the adoption as sons.

Father, we gather this morning together with hearts of gratitude for all that you have done, and in particular for your word this morning.

We pray that as we peer into it, that your Spirit would grant us insight that he would enable us to believe, embrace, and enact the truth therein, for the glory of Christ our

King and Savior, amen. All right, so knowing where you come from helps you to know where you're going.

Knowing where you've come from helps you to know where you are going. And the book of Genesis serves that role in regard to the scriptures.

Chapters one through 11 of the book of Genesis deals with the forming and filling of God's creation.

It deals with the origination and development of human society. It speaks of the introduction of sin and its consequences and gives us the promise of a deliverer, all those to be found there in those first 11 chapters.

And because marriage was originated by God on the sixth day, it is what is known as a creation ordinance, a creation ordinance.

And it is therefore binding on all human relationships from that point forward, from that first marriage in chapter two forward.

But as we know, what started out so well in chapter two, you remember verse 25, they were both naked and were unashamed.

It started out so well, but it was soon bent and twisted by Adam's sin.

After the fall of man, women and men still married.

Marriage was still something that they desired, but its design as a place of the highest relational satisfaction was now a battleground between sexes.

And it became the source of much pain and grief. Open your

Bibles to the fifth chapter of Ephesians. I probably don't have to tell you that every week because that's where we are, the fifth chapter of Ephesians.

And verses 22 through 33. And here in this letter to the church at Ephesus, Paul is exploring the mystery of the gospel of God's redeeming grace, whereby the ascended

Christ reconciles the children of God back to the Father and to each other.

And in the process overturns in principle the consequences of sin.

The gospel overturns in principle the consequences of sin. And because Christ is

Lord of all, there's no area outside of his redeeming grace. And that includes marriage.

The section of Ephesians where Paul exhorts the believers to allow the spirit of God to transform their marital relationships.

He's exhorting them and us to bring our marriage relationship under the transforming power of the spirit of God and thus recover a bit of what was lost there in the garden.

Beginning in verse 22. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the

Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body.

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her so that he might sanctify her.

Having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word that he might present to himself the church in all her glory having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ also does the church because we are members of his body.

For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself.

And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. We are looking at this section of scripture with regard to Christian wives and our outline has been seven aspects of a wife's submission, seven aspects of a wife's submission that explain, justify and exalt this godly characteristic of Christian women.

We've looked at it for two weeks in a row. This is our third and final week for the wives.

So take a deep breath, ladies, because we will then return and begin to explore what

God has to say to husbands and as is only right, three sessions for wives, six for husbands, okay?

Six sessions for husbands as we explore what Paul has to say to us as men and husbands.

So by way of review, again, of these seven aspects, the first was this, that a wife's submission is voluntary.

You remember that, a wife's submission is voluntary. As his equal, a wife's submission to her husband is a voluntary act, not the response of an inferior, but the voluntary decision of a peer, the voluntary decision of a peer.

Secondly, we noted that a wife's submission is specific. It is specific to your own husbands, to your own husbands.

Paul does not call a wife to be submissive to men generally, but to one man specifically, to one man specifically, your own husband.

Third, we noted that a wife's submission is devotional. It is devotional, as to the

Lord, verse 22. As to the Lord, a wife's submission to her husband is not based upon his inherent superiority, but a recognition of God's establishment of the male and female roles within the marriage.

And thus, to submit to your husband, wives, is fundamentally an act of submission to Christ, who has established marriage, and that is an act of worship, that is an act of worship.

So a wife's submission is devotional. Fourth, and this is what we occupied ourselves with last week, a wife's submission is comprehensive, is comprehensive in everything, in everything.

In other words, in all matters relating to the marriage relationship, in all matters relating to the marriage relationship.

Marriage is designed by God to be a partnership in which the man is called to a vocation.

We note that in Genesis chapter two, verse 15, where we read, the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.

He is called by God to a vocation. And the woman is called to the man.

The woman is called to the man. We see that there in verse 18 of Genesis two, where God says,

I will make a helper corresponding to him. So that is an important and fundamental truth, has enormous implications for marriage.

Husbands are called to a vocation, wives are called to a man, called to a man. So men, an obvious question that would come from all of that is what is your vocation?

What is your vocation? Can you identify it? Can you identify it? And wives, how are you or how can you help your husband in the godly pursuit of his calling?

These are very important questions. It's a whole area of marriage that would benefit very greatly from a lot of godly discussion and thought and prayer and just thinking it through as a husband and a wife.

Now, further in Genesis 2 .18, and again, this is all familiar turf to you, but I do wanna call out and make note of the word helper.

I will make a helper corresponding to him, 2 .18. And note that that word helper, that Hebrew word helper is used a number of times in the

Old Testament. And it carries the idea of to surround or to give aid or to help or to protect.

It's used within that semantic range. And I think the significance, just with regard to our discussion here this morning, is simply this.

It's the same word that is used of Yahweh himself, who is called the helper of Israel.

Specifically, you could find it in Psalm 121, verses one and two. You can check it on your own.

He is the helper of Israel, it's the same word. The same word, he is the helper of Israel.

And I think it's important to note that just because it forever puts to rest the mistaken notion that Eve's call to be

Adam's helper is somehow demeaning. It is no more demeaning than Yahweh being the helper of Israel is demeaning to him.

Now, in the marriage partnership, wisdom dictates that decisions are made jointly.

Wisdom would dictate such things, that decisions are made jointly. But if in the end, if in the end, a husband and wife cannot agree, then the husband bears the responsibility to make the final decision, and the wife is called upon to submit to that decision.

That's how it works. That's how God designed it to work. A wife's submission is comprehensive.

Now, fifth, and this is when we begin to plow some new ground. Fifth, a wife's submission is respectful.

Respectful, let your eyes here in Ephesians five go all the way down to verse 33, where Paul says, nevertheless, each individual among you is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

She respects her husband. So here in verse 33, we have a summary statement.

This is Paul's summary statement where he closes out his entire teaching on the relationship of husband and wife within the marriage, and it is a summary statement, and it has particularizing instructions.

In other words, Paul is speaking to the husband and the wife in a singular fashion rather than the plurals that he has been using throughout the passage up to this point, and I think he does that in order to drive home the final point.

This is the concluding point. The change here summarizes his teaching.

His teaching is on love and respect, love and respect, and he drives it home to each wife and each husband that they need to heed

Paul's instructions here, and they need to heed them irrespective of their partner's adherence to what they're called to do.

Nowhere through the passage is there any kind of linkage that I do this if you do that.

Each husband, each wife is called to their roles. They're called by God to their roles irrespective of what their partner's orientation to it is.

Now, question. Why do you think that Paul concludes his teaching with an instruction for a wife to respect her husband?

Why does that become his final summary statement? Why is that?

Isn't submission enough? Wouldn't it be just sufficient to say, submit to your husband?

Why does he include the particularizing instruction to the wife, respect him, respect him?

And the answer is is because the issue at stake is attitude. The issue at stake here is attitude.

Because not only does a spirit -filled wife submit to her husband, but she does so with an attitude of respect.

Say it again. Not only does a spirit -filled wife submit to her husband, but she does so with an attitude of respect.

Now, disrespect can take many forms, can take on many forms, such as being externally compliant while internally defiant, right?

You've heard the story of the little child who says, yeah, I may be sitting on the outside, but on the inside,

I'm still standing up, right? And so certainly that can happen, but here's the two areas that I would like to briefly venture into with you this morning, ladies, with regard to respect, and they are your face and your tongue.

Your face and your tongue. I'm gonna give you a second to school your faces.

Disrespectful looks. Disrespectful looks. One way, ladies, you can disrespect your husband is by how you look at him when he says something you disagree with or don't like.

How do you look at him when he says something that you disagree with or you don't like?

Things such as rolling the eyes, a certain set to the jaw, maybe a flip of the head all convey disrespect.

They are subtle, but they communicate without words and that you are seriously displeased.

Seriously displeased, and in the moment, you do not respect your husband's authority, even if you don't say a word, even if you don't say a word.

In that moment, you are communicating, I do not respect your authority.

That's sin. That is sin. It is sin.

And by the way, your children are going to school on you in that moment.

They are watching very closely, very closely, and they are learning a lot, pardon me, a lot from you about what it means to submit to their father.

They take their clues from mom. They take their clues from mom. So disrespectful looks.

Disrespectful words. Disrespectful words. They can happen in the heat of a disagreement, for sure, and to do so is sin.

It is sin. But I suspect that the disrespectful words happen most often when wives get together without their husbands, and they talk to each other about marriage in general or their marriage in particular, complaining, criticizing, making your husband the butt of a joke, demeaning his leadership or confessing his faults all display a lack of respect for him as your husband.

I am reminded of Proverbs chapter 14 and verse one where we read that the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

Disrespectful words tear down your house, ladies. They tear down your house, and they do so with your own hands, or in this case, mouth, as it were.

It's a big deal. It's a big deal. Ladies, as fallen men, your husbands likely have many faults.

Okay, newsflash, he's got all kinds of problems. He's got all kinds of faults, but he is your husband.

But he is your husband, and thus, he is your head. He is your head.

So even though he lacks less than respectable at times, remember, ultimately, your respect for him is based on the fact that his headship has been established over you by God.

When you wed, when you vowed, the marriage was established.

The vow establishes the marriage, right? You know that. The vow establishes the marriage, and when you vowed, the marriage was established, and at that point, he became your head.

And thus, you are called to respect him in that role as your head. And the final analysis, your respect for him is positionally based, not individually attained or lost.

I'll say it again. Your respect for your husband is positionally based.

In other words, he is your husband. He's your husband, rather than individually attained or lost.

You are not called to respect him because he is respectable. You are called to respect him because he is your head.

I can't help myself here, gentlemen. But we could certainly make it easier, could we not, if we were to conduct ourselves in a respectable fashion?

We could certainly make it easier, but it would not alleviate, even in those moments when we are not acting respectfully and are sinning.

It doesn't relieve our wives of her obligations, okay? And that takes us to the sixth, the sixth aspect.

A wife's submission is difficult. A wife's submission is difficult.

Over these last weeks, I've had a lot of strong words for wives, and I know that what

God is asking from you is not easy, and in fact, it is difficult. I know that.

It is difficult. In fact, I would say that without the aid of the indwelling

Spirit of God, it is impossible for a wife to truly receive and truly respond to her husband the way

God intends. That's why this, the lead -in to this section, right, you remember, is found here in verse 18 where Paul instructs the believers, do not be drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled by the

Spirit. That is the essential foundation. It is the essential power to begin to live what it means to be redeemed.

In all aspects of our life, and in particular, our marriage. Particular, our marriage.

Though it is impossible, ladies, for you to properly respect your husband, to properly submit to your husband, unless and until you are filled by the

Spirit. Okay, that is the essential requirement. Now, there are two reasons for this.

There are two reasons for this, and they are both the result of the fall. There are two reasons, and they are both the result of the fall.

This is why you can't do it without the power of the indwelling Spirit within you, which presupposes that you are a believer in the

Lord Jesus Christ. It all ties together here, and it stems back to the fall.

And the first of those reasons is what I call role reversal. Role reversal.

And I will take you to the third chapter of Genesis for this. So let's leave

Ephesians temporarily, and turn over to the third chapter of Genesis.

When we look at the first reason why it is impossible to live like you are called to live, unless and until you are filled by the

Spirit. It is role reversal. Adam and Eve were created by God with certain defined roles and responsibilities.

We mentioned them briefly there in chapter two. He is called to a vocation. She is called to a man.

Adam's related to the exercise of his dominion over the creation, and Eve's related to her helping him to fulfill that mandate.

Those are the roles. And together, in chapter one, verses 26 to 28, together they are to be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth.

Together. Can't be done separately. Now, when

Adam rebelled against God, he fell into sin, and with him plunged the human race into sin all along with him, right?

That's what Paul says in Romans five and verse 12, just as sin entered the world through one man.

Adam's ruin became our ruin. Became our ruin. Consequences of that sin are felt everywhere, and none more so than in the core roles of husbands and wives, right?

They have been deeply defiled by sin. For Adam, because he has abdicated his leadership role, he and his posterity are plagued with the frustrations of sin and failure.

Look at verses 17 to 19 of chapter three. Then to Adam, he, that is

God, said, because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten from the tree about which

I commanded you, saying you shall not eat from it, cursed is the ground because of you.

In toil, or we could translate it pain, you will eat of it all the days of your life.

Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you will eat bread.

You till you return to the ground, because from it you were taken, for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

For Eve, her role as helpmate and mother also experiences the pain and toil of the fall.

You see that in verse 16. To the woman he said, I will greatly multiply your pain, translated toil, same word, in childbirth.

In pain you will bring forth your children, or bring forth children, yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.

Now, I just wanna pause and kinda home in on that word desire, okay?

Let's look at that a little bit, this word desire. Specifically in the context of the consequence of Eve's sin,

Yahweh says that she will experience desire for her husband, desire for her husband.

Now, one of the first rules of hermeneutics is that words are defined by context.

Context establishes meaning. And the closer the context, the more likely that we can understand the meaning.

And so, if you look over to chapter four and verse seven, you will find that the same word is used there in a very close context.

So, I'll just begin in verse one, we'll read down.

Now, the man had relations with his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain, and she said,

I have gotten a man child, the Lord. Again, she gave birth to his brother

Abel, and Abel was a keeper of flocks, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. So, it came about in the course of time that Cain brought an offering to the

Lord of the fruit of the ground. Abel, on his part, also brought of the first things of his flock and their fat portions.

And the Lord had regard for Abel and for his offering. But for Cain and for his offering, he had no regard.

So, Cain became very angry, and his countenance fell. Then the

Lord said to Cain, why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen?

If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door, and its desire is for you, but you must master it.

Its desire is for you, and you must master it.

God is warning Cain that sin is crouching at his door, and its desire is for him.

Its desire is for him, and that he must master it. In other words, sin is seeking to rule him.

And what do we find? It does indeed do just that, does it not? And Cain rises up and kills his brother.

Accordingly, it seems that in Genesis 3, God is telling Eve that one of the consequences of her slipping out from under her husband's authority in the incident with the fruit is that she will no longer be able to enjoy the marriage relationship without being plagued by the desire to rule over her husband.

She will find pain and toil in what was designed for her protection and provision.

Furthermore, her husband will rule over her not as a servant, but as a despot, as a despot.

In fact, we just let our eyes slip over to chapter four and verse 19, and we see the introduction of polygamy with Lamech.

Okay, you begin to see the spilling out of Adam's sin. This inherent clamoring by a wife to exercise the authority role in the marriage and the husband's fleshly pushback is a great source of marital conflict, okay?

And I know it's true. I know it's true. Significant marital conflict can and does arise through role reversal and its attendant frustrations.

Let me give you a newsflash. Every family has conflict, okay?

Newsflash. Even the newlyweds know this now. Every marriage and when you add children to the mix, you have conflict.

You have a recipe for conflict. The closest of human relationships is marriage.

You place two sinners in close proximity to one another is like too many rats in the same cage. You're bound to have some conflict.

Bound to have some conflict. Husbands who do not lead, wives who will, yes, husbands who do not lead and wives who will not follow.

It creates conflict. Now, perhaps somewhere along the way here you have come under conviction that there are certain things happening in your marriage that should change.

Maybe the relationships, the authority structure needs to change. That's commendable.

And God desires that and God will help you in that. But it's not gonna be easy, not gonna be easy.

It kind of reminds me of when you're driving down the road and there's one steering wheel and people wanna go in two different directions.

If they both grab the wheel, that's really kind of a recipe for disaster, isn't it? It's also a recipe for disaster if they try to change positions.

Say the wife is driving and now the husband realizes I need to be driving this. And the wife agrees.

Yep, you're right. You haven't been, but you should be. It's probably not a great idea to try to change positions at 60 miles an hour.

One crawls under, the other crawls over and there could be a real bad problem.

So slow down, pull over to the side, choose one area where that you want to change and then smoothly get out of the car and go around it and get back in and head back out again, okay?

That's way better, way better. I wanna commend to you a resource.

Yeah, I'll commend to you a resource that deals with this whole situation.

It's called Peacemaking for Families, A Biblical Guide to Managing Conflict in Your Home.

Peacemaking for Families, A Biblical Guide to Managing Conflict in Your Home. It's by Ken Sandy.

I would suggest that every single married couple get this book, get two of these and read them together.

Okay, it's that good, it's that significant because it is really, really helpful in sorting out the practical questions of how do we do this?

How do we resolve conflict? It's one thing to say, wives submit to your husbands with respect, husbands love your wives like Christ loves the church with sacrifice and service.

That's easy to say at the top line but it's when it gets down into the weeds when it gets really difficult. And so this is a great resource,

I highly commend it to you, okay? I would,

Ken Sandy, S -A -N -D -E, okay? Peacemaking for Families, Ken Sandy, okay?

I'll have it up here after if you wanna come and snap a picture of it or whatever. You can buy it used.

I bought my copy used, it came pre -highlighted which is really good, makes for a faster read.

The second reason that it is difficult, ladies, the first is role reversal.

The second reason it is difficult is poor headship. Okay, poor headship, poor headship.

Now the reason why submission is difficult is because there are many poor husbands, there are many poor husbands who either do not understand their responsibilities of headship or understand it and don't care.

What if a woman is married to an unspiritual man or a louse, what about it?

The world today would advise her to divorce him. Divorce him and find someone better.

Or else recognize you don't really need a husband, you can just go it alone which is probably the prevailing wisdom now.

Now both of these worldly advices are contrary to scripture and sound reasoning.

The Bible's answer to a wife in a difficult marriage is to quietly live out her

Christianity before her husband and perhaps he will come to faith in Christ.

That is 1 Peter 3. In this, she is following the example of her savior who suffered unjustly, 1

Peter 2 and verse 21. And women in these circumstances, they need lots of encouragement, they need prayer support, they need advice and at times they need practical and tangible support of the church.

And because these difficulties are the result of sin, there is hope, I wanna stress that, there is hope and the hope is for a renewed relationship through the life -changing power of the gospel.

There is hope, we don't ever wanna say there's no hope but in this broken world, tragically, divorce is and sometimes should be the final result, that is the unfortunate reality of living in a very broken world.

A wife's submission is voluntary, a wife's submission is specific, a wife's submission is devotional, a wife's submission is comprehensive, a wife's submission is respectful, a wife's submission is difficult and seventh and finally, a wife's submission is beautiful.

It is beautiful, beautiful. Let's end on a high point, it is beautiful.

In summarizing Paul's teaching on submission, we can observe just that, that a wife's submission is a beautiful thing, it is a beautiful thing.

Wayne Grudem in his excellent book, Evangelical Feminism and Biblical Truth, he writes the following, kind of extended quote so let me read it to you.

He says, when did the idea of headship and submission begin? The idea of headship and submission never began, it has always existed in the eternal nature of God himself and in this most basic of all authority relationships, authority is not based upon gifts or ability, it is just there.

Authority belongs to the father not because he is wiser or because he is a more skillful leader but just because he is the father.

They, that is father and son, don't differ in any attributes but only in how they relate to each other and that relationship is one of leadership and authority on the one hand and voluntary, willing, joyful submission to that authority on the other.

We can learn from this relationship among the members of the Trinity that submission to rightful authority is a noble virtue, it is a privilege, it is something good and desirable.

It is the virtue that the eternal son of God has demonstrated forever, it is his glory, the glory of the son as he relates to his father.

Now, if you disagree with Rudim on this and are of the opinion that the son's submission to the father is an incarnational reality, in other words, that it was in the incarnation that he became subordinate functionally to the father rather than an eternal functional reality, okay, if that is your persuasion and that is a very live argument right now among evangelicals, conservative evangelicals, even if that's how you understand it, eternal functional reality or EFS, you might find it written that does not destroy the truth that the submission of Christ to his father is voluntary, noble, virtuous and beautiful.

Go to John chapter six, John six and verse 37.

All that the father gives me will come to me and the one who comes to me, I will certainly not cast out for I have come down from heaven not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me.

This is the will of him who sent me that of all that he has given me, I lose nothing but raise it up on the last day for this is the will of my father that everyone who beholds the son and believes in him will have eternal life and I myself will raise him up on the last day.

Is it a reality based in his incarnation or is it true of the eternal relationship within the triune

God? Either way, either way, the willing and joyful submission of the son to the will of the father is voluntary, it is noble, it is virtuous and it is beautiful.

It is beautiful. And because of this wonderful truth, we can confidently say that submission is not a burden to bear but a gospel glory to display, ladies.

Submission is not a burden to bear but a gospel glory to display.

As the church is most beautiful and most appealing when she submits to Christ, so a wife is most beautiful and appealing when she submits to her husband.

We can look to the words of the Proverbs. In Proverbs chapter 31, verses 30 and 31.

Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the

Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain. All of this stuff passes, it all passes.

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised for she is a beautiful, beautiful woman.

May God grant you ladies, may he grant you strength, power, the desire to exhibit your beauty to all.

Let's pray. Father, thank you for these words in the

Apostle Paul in Ephesians chapter five and these eternal truths established back in Genesis chapter three.

And the recognition of the ruination of Adam is overturned in principle in the glory of Christ and that as we make progress in the gospel, we can begin to recover that which was lost.

Knowing that our full and final recovery, as it were, awaits our glorification.

When we finally are rid of these bodies of sin and get a new glorified resurrection body like unto

Christ and that we are in his presence and behold his face without hindrance.

But in the meantime, oh Lord, there is for us much to do, much to gain, much to bring glory to our

Savior in the here and the now. I pray in particular for our wives, these beautiful creatures that you have made and how you have gifted them and how they are so unique and correspond so beautifully to the needs of their husbands.

And Father, to see the great glory available to them as they apprehend their role and press into it, that it is gospel good and it is beautiful and it is appealing.

So may you strengthen them in the inner man to believe the gospel and to order their lives by the gospel, to transform their thinking through the gospel, to each and every day lean in and to see what you will have for them.

May this fellowship be a lighthouse in this community among friends and family members and coworkers and neighbors, many, many of whom do not know

Christ. And as they observe the beauty of a

Christ -centered marriage, may it provide the opportunity to speak to them of the redemption available only in Christ and that the marriage that they observe and long for is not the result of some human ingenuity, but is the transforming power of the indwelling spirit.

It is available to them too, if they will but humble their heart, turn from their sin and flee to the cross of Christ.

It is for his glory and in his name we pray. Amen and amen. Blessings on you.

Thank you for your patience with us. And next week, gentlemen, come back.

We begin. And with more confidence, by the way, I will speak to you since I'm not a woman.