Phil Howard Marriage Q & A (Part 1)

Welcome to No Compromise Radio Ministry. I could just play the same intro every single time. I say the exact same thing every single time. Duplex Scrotia Radio, Christ for Pardon, Christ for Power. My name is Mike Abendroth.

About show 4 ,000, thousands upon thousands, thousands and thousands. I'm not very good with German, but that's okay. Schmetterling. Today is Q &A on marriage with Pastor Phil Howard. As you know, we've had the conference at Bethlehem Bible Church on marriage, and then I've been playing on No Compromise Radio some of the sessions.

And even with the three surgeries on his voice, great stuff from Pastor Phil Howard. I really appreciate that. I also appreciate Spencer, who's had to splice together all these intros and these outros and the messages on No Compromise Radio.

So without further ado, Pastor Phil Howard. Phil, some of the questions that you gave us, and then we'll have some other questions. And then at the end, we'll open it up to some generic questions from you or general questions from you, if you've got any.

I will only address the profound ones.

I'll back clean up. Phil, thanks for everything. Thanks for coming. I appreciate it. You're dear to me. It's mutual. When we went to Brimfield yesterday, our wives were shopping and looking at all the antiques, and we just were standing there talking about theological things.

I tried to just listen. I like to talk a lot, but I think in your presence, I just want to learn.

I think of the word for brother. Of course, you have Philadelphia, but you look up the word brother out of us from the same womb. And I thought, those who are my brothers and sisters in Christ, seven of us kids shared the same womb of my mother.

But in the family of God, we've come through the new birth canal. We've been born from above, same father, same spirit. And so when I call you brother or sister, I'm saying we've shared the same birth canal into this family.

And so it's not just bro or sis or street talk. No, it's intimate family. Thanks, pal.

I want to hit him all the time. He does that a lot. It's just this kind of thing all the time, and I can't do it back to him because he's at 179 years old, too frail.

We could have been dynamic if we started younger.

All right, here's some real questions, Phil, from our congregation. Anonymous. Let's just start here. My wife does not desire to be as involved at church as I desire. How can I lead in a way that will make it easier for her to follow?

Well, first of all, lead.

Do do that. My stockbroker is trying to get a hold of me. And I think that if we tell the wife, the first Peter three, be submissive, be godly, don't nag the husband and assuming that she's married to an unbeliever.

And I would say I know my daughter, my oldest girl, was married to a guy that he came from a background of anger, family dysfunction, and he just quit coming to church. And she just kept going and go to church.

Don't nag. Just go. And I would say to that husband, just go. Be good to her. Don't don't haggle her. Don't just be good to her. And he can't make her love God. He can't make her want to go. She'll only resent him and resist if he was to try to make her.

It's a hard job to try to be the Holy Spirit to your mate. You know, one time Carol and I were having you don't think we fight all the time. This is over 59 years, you know, but it was something about submission.

And I told her she didn't want to do what I thought. Well, I said, Carol, it's not my job to make you submit. Figure out what you want to do. It's between you and the Lord. I don't get an extra checkmark next to my name because you did.

That's between you and the Lord. And I think we just got to trust God for our mate. Pray for them. Be kind to them. But don't try to be the Holy Spirit and just keep doing the right thing.

Phil, this isn't on here, but it's semi-related. Is it fair to say that submission is I disagree, but I go along? Well, that's a toughie.

Sometimes I think it has to be that way. When I went to Start Valley, she came home from work. I said, the Lord has spoken in my heart that I was in Fresno, California. I said, go back and start a church.

She just broke down crying because we were headed to another place in the valley. She didn't want to go where we wound up. She grew up in a different part of where I took her. It's a rougher part of the county.

She grew up in the more Anglo wealthy. I was taking her to a more diverse neighborhood, that type of thing. But the next day she came home from work. She said, I'm ready to pack when you are. God gave her the peace.

She wrestled with it. But it wasn't my job to hammer her. And she went many times. She's done that. Even theologically, the change, we grew up in Pentecostal circles. And her uncle was a pastor, grandfather, family deep in Pentecost.

And hey, the theology that we believe changed today. I mean, we were tongue talkers. I'm going to tell you, we were in the middle of that movement and loved it. So, I mean, we're theologically 180 degrees out.

And she followed me without knowing the theology. She just trusted me.

So, semi-related, what do you do if a spouse who confesses to be a believer never reads their Bible or teaches the children the Bible?

Well, welcome to probably a good deal of marriages. Who is teaching kids anything at home? What would we do if all the phones died? We might get to talk to each other again. I think that's one of the biggest neglects we've got going.

Because here, you put your kid in youth group an hour and a half a week. Maybe Sunday school an hour. You think that's going to counteract 30 hours a week at a public school? All the garbage being put.

If the home is not the teaching pedagogy model, we're losing them left and right. And that's where, by high school, they're out of the church. They're gone. Because they've never been discipled at home.

Because, oh, we paid the youth leader to reach them. Well, let's pay dad and mom to reach them. They're your children. And I think, man, there's such a neglect there that it's so common. I don't have a big cure except, are you training your children in the ways of God?

Turn off the TV, get the phones out of their hand, and seize control somehow.

And related to your earlier comments, we're not our spouse's Holy Spirit, so we can't convince them by nagging or coercion to read their Bible. And so I'd advise that person to read their Bible for themselves and to teach their children.

If your spouse won't teach the children the Bible, then you teach the children. You know what?

I think I grew up in revivalistic, emotional-type meetings. And people, by the time I got to college, they said, have you been discipled? I said, I can't spell it. What is it? I never was discipled. I paid tuition for most of what I had to learn.

Never had family devotions that I can never remember in my life. And I grew up in a Christian home. And I think, well, you always talk about your dad. You talk about this and that. Hey, I never got in the old 56 Ford pickup without him singing.

He was a harmonica player, and the singer sounded like Merle Haggard, the Oklahoma boy. And he could sing like him. And it would be singing a song, always had a song. Every night, our house was so small, he studied at the kitchen table, blind in one eye.

He was a steel worker. He told me, I don't have a payroll gift. I study this stuff because I love it. I don't get paid. And they just lived it. My sister's at the piano. They were just living it. It wasn't, oh, let's get together.

I used to try to do family devotions. Somebody'd get diarrhea. Somebody'd faint. It was a disaster. And she'd start laughing. I said, Carolyn, you're dismissed. Go to your room. It was nightmare on Elm Drive, I'll tell you.

Just live it in front of them. I hear dad's over here. Hazel's playing the piano. I'm learning to play guitar. And live it out. When you're in the car, what do you sing? Are you singing to them? Quoting a verse.

And when you're the youngest, you're hearing about all this family tradition, oral tradition, because they'd been around 55 years before Junior showed up, me. And so I heard all the stories, the suffering, the this.

I heard it over and it emblazed itself in my heart. And so guess what? That's the way I was discipled in the home.

Reminds me of Deuteronomy chapter 6. You shall teach your children diligently and you'll talk of them when you sit in your house. I knew you knew that verse. Would you like it in Hebrew? Okie's good enough.

And when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise. And so there's certainly everything right about family devotion. But this is a lifestyle and just the way you live. That's what it was.

How do you intentionally make time for each other, husband and wife? Make that a priority. There's church. There's children. There's all kinds of things to do around the house. How do you make time for each other?

Well, you outlast all the years you were employed. The church was my mistress because I worked about 60 to 70 hours a week. I was consumed. If it wasn't for Carolyn, I don't know what we would have done.

Because I didn't want her out of the home. And she didn't start working outside of the home until Elizabeth was in kindergarten. Because we had them in private Christian schools. Tuition. And so the money she made never got her address.

It paid tuition. Tuition. But she kept the home fires burning. In my house, I cried when I got my own underwear. Because it was all girls. And they'd bring all the girlfriends. And even all the dogs were female.

You know, I didn't have a chance. I just cried when a man walked in the house. But she kept the home fires. On Mondays. When my dad died, we would take my mother to breakfast on Mondays. And that day was her day.

Because she just wanted time. You know, the love languages of Smalley. I was really blessed. All she wanted was time. But something happened over the years. It's now become money. I don't care to be with you.

Just give me money. I mean, the worldliness has permeated her heart.

But she did not buy one thing at Brimfield yesterday. Well, I put her on a budget.

Ten bucks. But we had that one day. And then we had a Tuesday night for my kids. It was family night. I always take them out for pizza and try my best. This was my night with the kids. But I tell you, God.

And God saved all three of my daughters by the age of five. They all professed faith. One at their mother's knees. Elizabeth. Other at junior church. At church. And they never went back from it. They knew they were sinners.

Became Christians. But I really, man, you don't know what you got when you've got a devoted mother and your wife. And I got that. I had a great wife. But I mean, to make those home fires burn. Because I was consumed in the church.

And when I was at the college, I was always running with the boys. I'd go to the dorm. They were lonely. They were homesick. And the president got me and said, the girls are complaining. You're never with them.

I said, hey, I'm a married man. I'm running with the guys. And always consumed. Just like he's been. If you love it, you love it. But, boy, with the wife. If she was a clinging vine, I've left her staring at many a wall.

Because in a convention, I was a young preacher boy that knew all the preachers and all that stuff. You're just getting me at nearly 80, and I still want to preach. And I still want to be with people.

But you ought to have seen me when I was frisky.

This is semi-related to an earlier question. It's the flip side. My husband seems more interested in the NFL than in Christ. Did I marry the wrong man? How do I spur him on to want fellowship with the saints?

Once in a while, watch a game with him. And he may not know Christ. Just is he good to you? Does he treat you right? Pray for his salvation. Only God can make the wind of the spirit blow through his heart in saving.

But in the meantime, count your blessing. Carolyn's aunt was married to a man that, I think, they went over 50-some odd years. He wasn't saved. Didn't mind her going to church, whatever. Once in a while, would go with her.

But he was not saved. Liked his cigars, liked games, whatever. I'll tell you, after 55, 60 years, God saved him. They were married. She was always crazy about him, loved him. And she was good to him. Some nights, church said, I can't come tonight.

I'm staying home to be with Carl. We're going to have our evening together. Hey, count your blessing. Even if he's unsaved, be good to him. Love him to Christ. Love him to Christ. And hopefully he's good to you, good to the children.

We're told not to leave the unsaved. If we, 1 Corinthians 7, if I wind up with an unsaved man, don't leave him. Don't leave him. Do our best to make it a happy marriage. You could still be happily married.

Phil, as a follow-up to your very convicting discussion on forgiveness, could you tell us a little bit about after forgiveness has been granted, how that relationship should then be restored back to normal?

That is to say, well, I asked for forgiveness and it was granted, but then nothing else was granted along with that from kindness to the bedroom to any place else.

The thing that my daughter is a counselor, a counselor's couple, she and her husband, but she got her counseling degree from Liberty University and does this all the time. And she told me, she said, forgiveness is the act of a moment, a decision.

Reconciliation is a process because it's like in couples that have had an affair. I dealt with a couple of years ago that he was, he just repeatedly was unfaithful and she was willing to forgive, but to reestablish trust, that's the building blocks.

What you can wipe out in one day may take you years to rebuild. Can I trust this person? And I knew a guy that another guy stole his wife. Well, then he remarried this fine woman. Man, if she's at the store 10 minutes longer than expected, he's suspicious.

He wonders. I mean, he was just haunted by jealousy and envy. It just made him a wreck. So I think it's being good to each other, being faithful, making yourself accountable if you need to be. But it's maybe just doing the right from the beginning.

Somewhere the ledger has to be burned up because I don't think forgiveness gets rid of the memory. You hear that? Well, you've got to forget. We're not made, God forgets. We don't forget. No, I don't think you can just blot that.

You've got to replace the bad with good. You know, Jesus said, I believe it's Luke 6, that a tree is known by what it bears, what kind of fruit. And he said, every man out of the treasure of his heart brings forth good or evil.

A right heart towards God is the thing that will start the healing, both for the husband and wife, because if she's the forgiver, still a continual work of grace has to be going on. How can I live with someone that was unfaithful?

And I think it's hard to admit. I don't think I like it as much as saying it, that we're married to broken people, that we all have the potential of great disaster if left to our sin nature and left to what sin has done to the race.

So I don't know that I have clearer steps faster. It's just being faithful, being good, doing the right, you know, breaking maybe the old patterns that were established and seeing the people might have to get a different job if it was with someone at the job.

It's just altering the life. I think of Proverbs there, don't go by her house, changing the pattern of the life. Right.

Sometimes it's not even adultery or unfaithfulness in a marriage. It's the man's watching pornography, and then he either admits it or gets caught. And then there's that process of healing and restoration that go along with that.

That's probably more often to be true than true adultery. Yeah, I think so.

Boredom, a lot of things. That's where I find out with inactivity, time on your hands, most men don't do well. That's why early retirements can be very dangerous. I went until I was 75. I resigned at 75, and my brother, he retired from the fire department at 55.

And in order to not just rot, he started his own company and started making much more money than he ever did as a fireman. But I think time on your hands is dangerous for most men. Women stay busy, usually.

A man needs something to do.

Well, that wraps up part one of the Q &A with Pastor Phil Howard, and that is on marriage, surviving marriage. The title of the conference was Better Marriages, because we all want better marriages. Info at nocompromiseradio .com.