Biblical Counseling (part 11)

Loving Father, this morning, as we open your word, as we look to the biblical principles that undergird true change, I pray that you would help each of us in our own walks of sanctification and also help us to help others who are dealing with sin and temptation, as well as suffering and trials.

Help us, O Lord, as a body to come alongside one another, that we may receive the grace from you and administer that comfort and counsel to those in need. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen. Alright, so I think folks at the top, you need some handouts too, so if one of you can come and grab a few of these and then you can share it up there.

The Fourfold Pattern of Biblical Counseling

Whoever is the boldest of you all can come down. And as we begin, once again, I just want to remind you of that table, love, know, speak, and do. So you begin counseling with love. You care for those who have a need.

Can you grab one from there? Actually, there's someone coming for you. You can probably give them a couple. And you need one more here, behind you. Alright, we are all out of handouts, so if anyone else comes, please share with them.

So love, know, speak, and do, so when we counsel someone, we want to get involved in their lives and be able to provide them some inspiration and hope in the midst of their trouble, whether it is a sin or a suffering.

Knowing, you normally get the surface of the problem, and so we want to dive a little deeper to get an inventory, understand what really is the root cause of this problem, and then we also be able to interpret it and translate it into what the Bible says about it so you can give the biblical cure to the problem.

And then we talked about speaking, which is the center of this whole counseling, which is to give instruction from the Bible for the specific situation, and also inducement or encouragement so that they will apply those truths by providing them a model for them to follow.

And then do is the last piece, which is, you know, all of this means nothing if you don't implement them, so the first step was implementation, which we looked at last week, and today we are going to look at the last step, which is integration.

But before we go into integration, I just want to kind of summarize what we saw in implement, and then the integration piece is not going to take a lot of time, I'm going to go through it so you have a framework of what to think of as the end of counseling.

And then in the pages that follow, you have a bunch of different verses for specific types of counseling that you normally encounter for yourself as well as for others. And so we're going to pick a few of these and walk through what does counseling look like for ourselves as well as for others, so we'll come back to implementation, we might go back to inventory, we may come back to instruction.

So we'll pick pieces from throughout this material, and then try to do a quick run through of a few of these so that we feel comfortable with applying it for ourselves as well as helping others through it.

Implementation: Progress, Prayer, and Patterns of Change

So I'm now on number seven, implementation, just a quick reminder of what we covered last time. Bullet A, the greatest progress is not made in counseling, so don't get discouraged if you know your counselee doesn't walk out and is a new man or a new woman.

It is the Lord working in that person's heart and then equipping them to change, and that's Philippians 2, 12 and 13. And then part of how do you help this counselee derive strength when you're not with them?

So sometimes someone is so brokenhearted they come to you and they find strength and encouragement, but then when they go back in the night, it's hard, and how do you help them? So we looked at prayer cards and hope cards, ways in which you can let the scripture be a reminder, that light for them in the midst of the darkness, and how they can look to the Lord when they are not used to it.

So you want to give them some tools that they can help with, that will help them when they look to the Lord, get the strength from the Spirit, and then apply it. And then section C, and this is the part where I said we'll keep coming back to it, is what are some patterns?

So most of the times when you're dealing with someone who's stuck in something, including yourself, you've had a lifestyle or a pattern of thinking and doing things that need to be now replaced. One of those key things in sanctification and in solving these problems is in the Bible.

So there were a few things we looked at for how do you read the Bible, and the other part is fellowship, in terms of regular church attendance, small groups, and ways in which people can come alongside, not just you, but other people, to help them through this.

And then, depending on what particular problem we are facing, we may want to give some specific resources that will help this person or yourself grow through that time. So these were all part of implementation, but we'll come back to this as we apply for specific cases.

So with that, we're going to go into integration, but before I start integration, for those of you in the back, please don't get lost. So the way I want you to be thinking of is, in your own walk with the Lord, what are some areas where you can grow spiritually?

So this is part of discipleship. So as you're growing and learning, we are focusing on a specific time when you have like a major crisis. So think of it like, if a country is to be sovereign, it kind of builds up its armies.

It holds its defenses, and it's got strategic plans for when the enemy attacks. And then at some point, you have a breach in your defenses, you know? All the mig, I don't know, those cool plates from the enemy are in your territory.

How do you come and deal with them? You now have to go into battle stations and take action, and that's kind of what counseling sometimes looks like, where you have a crisis, and you have to jump on it and deal with it.

So whether it is the more getting ready for it in discipleship, or specifically addressing a problem, because now it's inside, and it has to be dealt with. It's like, you know, I'm going to use this example later, but I forgot where, like when COVID attacks, you know?

It's like, okay, you are now under attack, and you need help, you know, in terms of getting out of it. But there are times where you, this is what happens when you get off your notes. But counseling is where you are in trouble, and you need help.

It's yourself or somebody else you're helping. And I want you all to be thinking of some examples, because we're going to talk about that. But I want to first talk about integration. I'm sorry, I'm so scared of brain.

Did I miss anything? Did anybody have anything to say before we jumped into integration? I probably confused everybody. All right, let's get to integration. So let me read the definition for integration.

So it's bullet number eight. You can just find it in one of the pages in the handout. So the definition is promoting biblical change until the necessary changes are integrated into the life of the counselee, and the counselee is integrated into the life of the church.

Integration into the Life of the Counselee and the Church

So there's a couple of places in which this integration needs to happen for counseling to be successful. So let's begin with the bullet A. Counseling is interested in the redirecting of a life and not just solving a problem.

So someone comes to you for help. They are either addicted to pornography or they are having a crisis at work that just makes it very difficult for them to work in a way that is joyful and faithful to the Lord, or their marriage is breaking up.

Whatever it is that the crisis is, they have come here, but now this bullet says it's not just in solving the problem of your work or your sinful habit or your relationship, but it is a redirecting of a life.

What do you think that means? Redirecting of a life in counseling. Excellent. And I think that summarizes what this is all about, which is most people, I look to the Lord for help when I'm in pain and in suffering, and through that trial that the Lord brings, even if it is a sin or it is an external cause of suffering that comes, the Lord is sovereign over both.

He has a very specific purpose for that trial in my life, and that is to conform me to the image of Christ. And so in counseling, we are very careful not to just give those band-aid solutions. Okay, your work is difficult?

Find another job. That might be the answer, but you're not really trying to just take away the pain. You're looking to the heart of what is the Lord doing through this thing? How are you looking through your work biblically?

What is the ways in which you are to examine yourself and respond in a godly way? You may not be sinning in this situation, but how is your response God-honoring? And as you understand the word, as you apply those things, you are being changed and conformed into the image of Christ, and that's the goal of that very trial in the first place.

So if a good counselor leads you through that path of saying, okay, yes, this is the problem, but we are looking for something much more deeper in terms of what's happening in my life and how that brings glory to God, then the trouble is seen through the right lens, and we walk through that right lens.

But when I come out of that trial on the other end, my life is now very different than what it was when I entered that trial, and that's the primary goal when you're looking through counseling for yourself as well as for others.

Any additional thoughts on this? I think all of us can testify to this in many trials that we've gone through. Maybe if anyone wants to share. One of the reasons I was sharing a lot of examples for myself was, to the embarrassment of my family, it can be hard to talk about your own trials.

It's like, okay, at least it never happened. Now that it's over, they're just going to hide it and look nice, and it's not very helpful for someone else who's going through the trial to be able to say, it's like, everybody else looks very good except me, how do I go get help?

No, all of us here are broken people, we are all sinners saved by grace, and we are thankful that the Lord has helped us through this, so we want to give glory to God when he has helped us, but not be ashamed when you're in trouble and ask for help.

So anybody want to share anything on the A, where either you were able to help somebody or you yourself were helped? Excellent. When it comes to the theology of God's sovereignty and man's responsibility, we kind of know some of those things in our church, but how does it apply in a specific circumstance?

Almost always we turn Arminians, I turn Arminians, when I'm facing the problem, okay, what does Pradeep got to do? And then you had to kind of lean back to, okay, I can trust the Lord through us, he's sovereign through this.

And sadly, in my life, I can recount time after time where I had to relearn that lesson. It gets a little easier with the next trial, because I have that Gilgal, those stones that I can look back and say, ah, the Lord helped me then, and then, now, why did I forget?

I had two piles of rock now, but that's, so, and over time now, it becomes easier when you say, it's a new trial, but I know my Lord is still the same, and he is all-powerful over this. Excellent. Thank you.

Any other comments? Yes? Excellent point. Once again, you know, when you've gotten to the biblical understanding of the problem, and that problem can manifest itself in many different ways, but that truth now gets anchored in your heart, and now you're able to think rightly about the next trouble that comes if it's got the same principles that undergird it.

You already have the light as you're facing the problem, because most of the times when you're in the problem, everything is dark, you can't see, you can't think, you don't understand what scriptures connect to this particular situation.

But having gone through one, you now know, oh, you know, here is the root of this particular problem, whether it is pride, or whether it is selfish motives, or whether it is a total lack of understanding of God's sovereignty.

All of these things, once you understand, now the next situation comes along, you're like, oh, I kind of get it. But sometimes you have to re-educate yourself, and then apply it, or you may have to apply it differently in the next situation, depending on who you're talking to, or yourself, but the truth remains the same, and God remains the same.

All right, so next bullet, life of the counselee. So this is integration of the life of the counselee. What is the criteria for determining when the integration of biblical principles in the counselee's life has occurred?

One of the things that we don't really like about secular counseling, I don't have much experience in it, other than what I've seen on movies, it's like, who's your psychologist? Come sit in this couch, and just keep talking to me, and you're going to pay me for the rest of your life, because I give you a nice couch, and make you feel comfortable.

A biblical counselor is not a lifelong partner. The Holy Spirit is the lifelong partner for every believer. I'm coming alongside for a period of time, in order to help them as they need help. So Galatians 6, 1 and 2, we talked about this urgency, whether that person is in sin, you want to come and help them as they struggle with sin.

Or Galatians 6, 2, where someone needs support and help in their suffering, and we come alongside to help. And that's what the body does to one another, but it's not a lifetime commitment, unless it's your spouse.

So you know, even with your spouse, you want to be able to help them to draw the strength from the Lord, rather than you be the savior to them in all their thinking and doing. So what are some ways in which we can say this person that we are helping doesn't need counseling anymore, especially in terms of intentional, you know, maybe weekly meetings and things like that.

What would be some ways in which you think, okay, this person is good at, part of my question will have the answer, so I'm not saying the answer. So what would be some things you're looking for when you say, okay, this person is good, integrated, these, I'm using terrible terms to ask the question.

Mark. So that's a good way of saying it, and I think that is true. So when we talk about counseling, sometimes it's just one encounter. You meet once, you talk to them, they're fine, they got it, they moved on, and you're okay.

But in other cases, especially let's say a couple are going through a really difficult time where they are contemplating divorce or something like that, you do need to meet with them a few weeks, possibly a month, two months, three months, maybe even longer.

And here, you want to think through those eight I's in terms of, you know, may having them know that they are loved, keeping them hopeful that God is able. So as you are talking to them, and you're hearing back what they're saying, do they recognize that they are not alone?

Do they recognize that God is there in their midst? Do they really understand the root problems that you've talked to them about in terms of what really the biblical situation is? And then in terms of the instructions, the things that you've taught them about, how do you look at your spouse through the lens of the Bible?

You know, this is a child of God, no matter how terrible they look like at this moment in time. How do you look at yourself in terms of how do I respond when my spouse does this horrible thing to me? So all of these instructions that you're given, firstly, do they have a good understanding of what that means?

And then, are they motivated to try these things? So especially in a situation like this, have they been applying this? You know, have they found the strength to draw from the Lord and the wisdom in resisting temptation?

When, let's say, the spouse has done something, you've seen a few weeks of that pattern happening. It's like, okay, now you kind of get the idea. This is what it means to follow Christ. Remember Hebrews 12, 1 and 2, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross despising its shame.

This is the Hebrews 11 faith passage that came before. How do you now run with endurance the race that is set for you now in this marriage? So all of those principles, have they now understood it and then understood how they connect with the specific problem that they're facing?

So now, you look at a few patterns, and actually marriage is probably the more difficult example. I should have picked something a little easier. But once you see a pattern of them walking in the path, redirected, you know, initially it was going down toward a divorce.

Now it's like, okay, I'm trying, not perfect, but we now know how to engage with my spouse and they are getting better at dealing with their situation. Or maybe there are some very root problems that they've actually reconciled upon.

You know, that would be a good place to start with. And let me pause. I think that was one good answer. Any other thoughts on when you think a counselee is ready to spread the wings and fly? Excellent.

Thankfulness. And there is a joy that is expressed in other ways that are not just, I've taken care of this problem, but I have this inner hope, confidence, and an upward look in terms of life. And then that manifests in the way you minister to others.

Andrew? Beautiful. Yes. Actually, I'm going to turn my attention to the gallery up there. And if your children are up there, please know this is exactly how I embarrass them when I teach Sunday school.

So in your handout, at the bottom of the page, there are four words that are listed that kind of summarize in some ways what Andrew was just speaking. So you have a friend who has some trouble. You've given them some counsel.

And then there are four steps there. The first three steps, I think, are pertinent to what Andrew said, and the fourth step, Mark and... Why do I keep thinking, Kara? I always think... My brain is completely not wired.

I need a little more counseling before I get that names right. It's actually that pattern of thinking and rethinking that brings that counseling in, but somehow I... She's... Just to say this, Cindy, if you're ever teaching, it can be very nerve-wracking because everybody's looking at you, but you need someone like Cindy in your audience, who's always affirming and smiling and like, okay, I didn't say some heresy right now.

All right. So back up there. What would be those four steps? I mean, just... You don't have to be right. I just want a brave person to attempt an answer at what those four steps might look like when you're giving some counsel to somebody and then seeing that it's kind of connected.

It's integrated. Okay. I'm coming for the adults next, but what do you think? What does the head and the heart and the hands mean when it comes to counsel? We have a lot of open-ended questions in Sunday school.

So when you give counsel, what is the first thing? You're giving them some truth. Now the truth goes to your head, right? So you need to understand what that means and it needs to get in. Do they get it?

So what would the heart be? What would happen after you get the truth to the head? Come on, don't be shy. I know there are some brave souls there. All right. Yeah. There is a difference. When we do this in Sunday school, we don't have a whole sanctuary watching you.

Yeah. So the next part is, you know, when we look at, for example, Romans 12, one and two, we see there that you want to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It's the mind that you target first.

That's the head. And then you actually need to live this out. In fact, the first verse is, present your bodies as a living sacrifice. Actually, I'm jumping to hands. What do you do with this thing? But before you do that, it has to be internalized and you need to truly understand, commit, and want to do what God has placed in you.

And God is now in that choice that you have, whether to resist temptation or in the response to that suffering, you are now committing your way to the Lord and the Lord is doing that heart change in you that then enables you to do the hands part of actually walking it.

And even in the hands, you need some help in terms of patterning it so you can do it over and over again, not just once and then the next time it comes, you fall right over. And so those are all patterns of integration into the life of the counselee.

Serving Again Through the Life of the Church

So let's now go to the next one, life in the church. And this goes back to what Mark just said, which is criteria for determining when the integration of the counselee into the life of the church has occurred.

And let's just talk a little bit about this. What is that we talked about serving? What are some ways in which you can say that this person is now not just integrated internally in terms of how this sanctification has filled this gap, you know, this gaping wound in the war that he has received, but also now the rest of his body is functioning.

And that's my COVID example was, okay, if we all remember how Pastor Mike went to COVID, got COVID and was hospitalized, there was not a lot you could do. And I remember talking to him yesterday. He said, you know, at some points, all I could do was just say, help.

And we just rely on the Lord for help to change and solve this particular situation. But then as you saw, Pastor Mike got stronger and stronger as the treatment was helping. But spiritually, there were things that he was doing in terms of both informing us and encouraging us right from the hospital bed.

And physically, as he was able to move things around, he could do more with his body. And that's kind of what it looks like if you are in a crisis counseling to, okay, now other parts of my body are functioning.

Other parts of my spiritual life are firing again. And I need to be more functional as a whole person. And I'm no longer fixated on just, you know, this hospital deathbed that I'm on. Now I am actually ministering to people.

And then I'm back to where I used to be before. Or, you know, if it's something that I was an immature Christian, now I'm growing to be a mature one and being able to serve others. And one of the things we saw from Second Corinthians 1 was when I have received help in a time of need, if God has comforted me, I'm now able to comfort others through that same thing.

I understand the situation. Very few of us know what a very difficult bout of COVID looks like. But Pastor Mike knows that. And he can actually counsel and comfort and help others in a way that very few of us can.

And so those are parts of integration that I wanted to talk about. But anything else, life in the church, what does an integrated life look like? That's excellent. Like, you know, when you think of Psalm 32, Psalm 51, there is a sense in which there is an anguish that comes in your soul when you are stuck in mostly in sin and temptation, but also even in the midst of your trial.

And I think what you were talking about, the thankfulness and joy, there is something that comes where, oh, I'm free, if it was with sin. Or I no longer have to worry or be weighed down by this turmoil and I can trust the Lord through this thing.

That's excellent. Andrew? Any other thoughts on integration? All right. So the last section we have here, and I want to read these verses here. So if someone can open Second Timothy 2 .2. Last week we did Second Timothy 2 .22.

And so whoever turns there, read 22 first and then read verse 2. And we'll just briefly talk about it and wrap this up. Can I have a volunteer? Thank you. So that was verse 22. And the two words we looked at last time for implementation was flee from sin and pursue righteousness.

So this putting off and putting on are crucial in the life of the believer as we try to apply the principles of the scripture in our lives as we keep our eyes focused on Christ. And then we are changed by the power of the spirit.

And then verse 2. And this is Pastor Mike's favorite verse. As you know, one of his key principles here has been to equip others to equip others so that there is a discipleship that grows and that more people are able to minister to others.

And while it doesn't quite directly connect with that bullet, the length of time between counseling session increases based on the progress, there is a sense in which you want to, it has changed from this person just getting help for his problem to this person now growing and being more integrated and then being able to then serve and help others.

And so you need to give them some time so they can go and do other things rather than just hog all their time. And in many of the counseling as well as disciple sessions I have, I'm very intentional about when that ends.

So at this point in time, you know, you're doing well or, you know, this particular area we've focused on, it's come to a conclusion that we feel like we've all learned some things through it and we've learned how to trust the Lord through it or we've grown in our walk through this.

And at this point, it's not like, OK, I'm never going to see you again. You become very close with someone whom you are either discipling or counseling and you become friends and you still meet and connect.

But now, you know, it's now you may need to get help someone else. This person may need to get more integrated and serve in other ways or be able to disciple someone because they've just received some help.

So whatever that might be, you want to be intentional about when that ends. And so this is given in the context of formal counseling. But even otherwise, you know, one of the things Pastor Mike always tells the elders this, and I think it's good for you to hear too, is, you know, because we meet with people with different circumstances of life, you don't want to see that person as, oh, this is the person.

It's this problem. You never do. So, you know, when we are dealing with this problem, you don't look at that person as, you know, like alcoholics, anonymous, which I am an alcoholic. It's like this is a child of God going through a difficult time in this point.

And we come, we work together, seek the Lord's help, grow through this. And then that is behind. And so just as, I mean, God perfectly does this where he doesn't bring our sins or our failures anymore.

He always sees us through the lens of Jesus Christ. And that's how the elders look at one another when, you know, I don't even remember some of the things that have happened before because those are forgotten.

We focus on those things that are joyful and good. And that's how you should also look at other people that you're ministering to. And, you know, that's that psychologist couch we want to avoid because that kind of permanently puts you in a relationship with your with the psychologist.

Whereas here we are brothers and sisters in Christ. And there may be a day when I'm the one who needs help and you come and help me. And and that's how God intended, because Christ is the one who provides all the help.

So so with that, I want to just pause anything else on integration on anything in this section. There was a lot of stuff there, and I think, no, no, thank you, because I think as you're speaking, many of us can connect with instances that we've had to deal with some more, maybe closely than others.

And in fact, in the next page, we have those situations that we have that I'm hoping for us to walk through. But I just want to highlight one thing you said, which is, you know, in the world. You you just have to deal with the person with what they are.

And the hope that you have is just limited to the strength of that person to be able to either put aside or or make a change. Whereas when we do counseling here, it's all about Christ. And it's like, you know, get that vision of Christ that you have as a counselor to the counselee.

So when they walk from there, you know, it is good. Some journeys are longer than others. And the Lord is compassionate. He understands our frame. He knows that he knows the temptations that we have faced and he gives us that righteousness.

But he also intercedes for us. He is there to strengthen us. And he he understands. And I think that's one of the biggest challenges when you deal with some some types of problems. But Christ, you know, Christ is the center of all of this.

And when when you walk from there, they have a hope that no matter who else fails me, he will never fail me. Andrew. Yeah. And maybe I'll just make a comment. But while I'm doing it, if you can, just all of you can just turn to the next.

Couple of pages, pick up maybe one or two that you think are helpful for you for us to discuss here. We probably have time to maybe just start one. But I and I and I'm looking for one from the balcony.

You know, someone bold. Come on. You'll get some extra brownie points. I'll bring brownies next week. OK, do it. So I hope I'm not causing paranoia up in the wings. But the thing that Andrew just said, you know, there are.

When when we our character is reshaped, especially, let's say we've gone through a very traumatic experience. Depending on how severe the situation is and how weak I am as a child of God in terms of recognizing God's strength.

And to something else, maybe that's a little smaller, but I've been a very mature Christian. And at this point in time, this is kind of overtaken me. Some things may just take a little bit of time where I just reconnect and I can truly put some things in the past.

And whereas other things have to constantly keep renewing my mind to remind myself while I while the Lord continues that work of healing in my spirit. Until this too becomes a thing of the past. And so and as a counselor, we want to be sensitive to those things as well, which is not everybody is the same.

We want to be able to recognize where they are and point them to Christ and Christ will be with them through their whole journey. So let's let's just just raise your hand. I won't I won't make you speak about that particular thing.

So if you have a topic that you think, oh, this would be good to talk about. Just call them out. You don't even have to raise your hand. Just call them out. Assurance of salvation. What else? Anger. OK, what else?

I'm sure there's more than just this. Come on, people. Communication. Yes. Anything else here that would be good for us to kind of walk through as an example? Hopefully, if possible, we'll do this next week.

And anything else that would be good for us to talk about? Both of those. Right. All right. So, yeah, we do have to wrap up. But just as an example, I'm just going to talk about the first one because nobody brought this up.

And then the rest will take a little time next week to walk through more closely. And conflict resolution. I use the example of divorce earlier. And one of those the principles that are here are some of those things that would normally be in your instruction piece.

You know, here are some texts in the Bible that apply to it. Pursuing peace. So if you are in the midst of a conflict, what is your goal that you want to accomplish? You do want to pursue peace. And then as a counselor, you know, we want to listen to both sides.

And as people in the conflict, you want to help them to see both sides, because more often than not, one of in a conflict, a person has kind of taken can see the problem with the other person, but not always see their own.

And that's the third bullet, which is address your own sin. And very often it's it's so hard to do this because this other person's sin is like, you know, 10 to the power of 25. And mine is like one to the power of negative 25.

It's like it's not comparable. But this is what Jesus said. So we need to start here and then we go there and then confront in love. You know, so the goal should not be just, OK, you've done this. Here's my bazooka.

I'm going to destroy you. But how am I going to come alongside to help you in this conflict? And that's a radical mindset for a believer as opposed to an unbeliever in an unbeliever thing is like, OK, I've got to predict myself.

Where's the justice in this? How do I get out on the top when this is all over? Whereas in a in a believer's conflict, it's like, no, no, no, no. This is all about exalting Christ. And how does that happen?

It's the opposite of the world. I'm here looking for the other person's well-being when that person is really messing with me. And how do I think and act in a way that's loving? And then church discipline.

We've talked about this earlier. Five bullet six is the number of people I've talked about. Number six, I'll tell you, the easiest workaround here is the believer becomes an unbeliever. The moment you get into a conflict, I got around this word so easily.

I tell you, really, this is one of those things that just gets me. If something gets me irritated, this is one of them. And then number seven, trusting in God's sovereignty. So our goal is not always that the problem will go away, but we want to be doing everything in our way that we are called to.