Courtship or Dating (Part 1)

Welcome to No Compromise Radio, a ministry coming to you from Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston. No Compromise Radio is a program dedicated to the ongoing proclamation of Jesus Christ, based on the theme in Galatians 2, verse 5, where the Apostle Paul said, "...but we did not yield in subjection to them for even an hour, so that the truth of the gospel would remain with you.".

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Here's our host, Pastor Mike Abendroth. Welcome to No Compromise Radio, a ministry. Mike Abendroth is your host. That would be me. Thanks for all the emails. You can write us at info at nocompromiseradio .com.

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K-Rock, that's a Los Angeles radio station. So today we're going to talk about singleness, dating, courtship. What do we do when it comes to dating and courtship? Is it proper for a Christian to date?

Is it always a sin for a Christian to go on a date? If you're single and you would like to meet a spouse, how do you go about doing that? If you're a parent and you have children who eventually will go through puberty and most likely will have a desire for marriage and intimacy, how do you help them navigate through this minefield of sexual temptations and bad decision making so that they can make good decisions and stay pure?

And so today on No Compromise Radio, we are going to talk about that very thing. I'm just thinking about that other radio station in Los Angeles, K-Rock, and the original station I used to be on was KZUM.

I think it was 89 .5. It was back in Nebraska and it was 1982, Community Access Radio Station. And that was 1982, KZUM. The show that I hosted with a friend was Aural Delights, A-U-R-A-L Delights, things that you listen to that you like.

And I guess that was my first deal on radio. I did go to K-O-I-L, I think it was 1210 or something like that, 1290, back in Nebraska in 1969 as a kid. We got to go down to the radio station and say a few things on air and they gave me a free transistor radio that had a little dial on it and it was AM only.

And we've come a long way, haven't we? So today on No Compromise Radio, what about dating? Now, the old book on dating and courtship and a good Christian approach to this concept, and we'll get to definitions in just a minute, probably the best book or the first book that really helped a lot of people deal with this that most everybody read was Elizabeth Elliott's Passion and Purity.

And she would walk through Jim and hers romance and courtship, etc. And that helped a lot of people. Then Josh Harris came out with I Kissed Dating Goodbye. And I also have another book in my hand by him right now, Joshua Harris, Boy Meets Girl, Say Hello to Courtship.

So first I Kissed Dating Goodbye and then he got married and then he and I guess his wife didn't write it, but his wife helped him, of course, Boy Meets Girl, Say Hello to Courtship. And so that would be also another good book that you could read.

And then another book that I'd recommend, and even though I don't agree with his federal vision, I do think he's a wise, interesting writer. And especially with this topic, Her Hand in Marriage, Biblical Courtship in the Modern World by Doug Wilson, Canon Press.

And so there are resources out there that you can read and I want you to be engaged in the topic. Parents, listen, especially fathers, you need to make sure you're active in this area of dating, courtship, etc.

Helping your children find a spouse is a very big decision and you are at the centerpiece. Of course, there are people listening who are single moms. I know mothers who are married, wives who are married to husbands, and they are a critical part of this situation.

But we're going to look at some passages today and we're going to see that the father is the God-ordained leader in the family and therefore he is going to have to do the point man work. And so if you think about the fall and Adam, Adam was supposed to work and then he sinned and then work became difficult.

And so men have propensities to laziness. When men are sinful, they're usually lazy. And of course, laziness is sinful. And so I don't want you to be lazy when it comes to helping your children walk through these issues, work through these issues, guiding them on biblical courtship.

And so today on No Compromise Radio, I want to talk about courtship and dating, certainly dating in general. When I was an unbeliever and the unbelievers out there in the world now, dating, it's a total disaster.

And recreational dating, especially for younger people and probably for older ones as well, is going to lead to sexual activity. Mark it down. You know, it's like the 14 year old and the 15 year old who start dating.

And you really think as the romance blossoms that they're going to save themselves till 21 or 22 is going to be very difficult. Dating, as most people would have it today, is a very unwise thing. It's unwise when dating's philosophy basically says this.

We don't care about the dad of the girl. The dad is out of the picture and we don't have anything to do with the dad. It's the guy and the girl. They're the ones. And we'd like to be doing everything in private.

We'd like to have nothing to do in public and nothing to do in the local church community, nothing to do in the family of the girl. We'd like to be private and we'd like to have the dad out of the picture.

So I'd like to know if that is really the best thing. I don't think it is the best thing. You're going to have with that kind of scenario, heartbreak, emotional hurts, bad decision making when it comes to spouses and lots of sexual sin like fornication.

The main thing I can talk to you about today when it comes to your children and the idea of courting is this, and I think this is what separates in my mind, there's all kinds of definitions. You can read Josh Harris's, you could read Wilson's, and I might do some of that in a minute.

But the big difference between dating and courtship for Christian couples, for Christian parents is this, that in courtship, the dad is at the center of the relationship and the decision making person.

And in dating, the dad's thrown under the bus. That really is the key. Fathers being involved in the daughter's life, and of course, if he has sons in the son's life as he teaches the son how to win the girl's father and how to treat the girl properly.

And so the whole issue to me is, and of course, if someone's courting someone, can they go out for a cup of coffee on a certain date? Well, to me, that's like a date, except that's not dating. That's not secular dating.

That's the father has said, I trust the young man, there are intentions to marry and you guys can go have a cup of coffee or go have dinner and then come back at such and such a time. And so courtship says the father is key in this role.

And courtship also says, number two, that we have marriage in view, that we are going to get together to get to know each other better in the family situation. And we will work toward marriage. That is our goal.

Now, it might not work. And I think Josh Harris does a good job that when couples who are courting break up, people are sad. But why should we be sad if it's done biblically and righteously? We realize we aren't for each other and we want the best for the other person.

That's a Christian agape love. And so God bless you. And I wish you have a wonderful life. By the way, that helps out in churches because typically what you'll have is, let's say, in an office where two people sleep together and then they break up and then they can't be around each other.

And so how bad would that be in a local church where there is promiscuous sex and then there's a breakup and then you can't see each other? Now, this way says we're pure, we're clean. I want what's best for you.

I want you to have a godly husband that is God's choice for you. And I will be at the wedding when that happens. So today on No Compromise Radio, we're talking about dating and courtship. And so, so far, basically what we've said is courtship has the father of the girl and of the son involved and that he will then establish parameters.

He will establish, you know, the ground rules, etc., and that it's going to be a process that you work towards marriage. Now, if you are 15 and you are not able to provide for the woman that you want to marry or date, you ought not to be courting.

The answer is no, you're too young. I don't want to fan the flames of romance and sexual desire when you're not ready. Fifteen-year-olds today in our country, in our culture, in our age are not ready to be married.

I've never met a 15-year-old who was. Now, their bodies may be ready, but they are not ready. And so you may not court, you may not see each other, you may not go out to coffee or a movie or do something like that with another person until you're ready to marry that person.

So courtship says, I'd like to get to know you to see if I should marry you. From what I see, both physically and both by your character, I think there could be potential and I'm interested in you. And so I like to have my father involved to see if this is going to work out.

And so if you don't have marriage in mind, you ought not to be going out. You're just going to give your heart away to someone else and not have a whole heart to give to your spouse one day. You are not going to know how to deal with your feelings and your emotions.

And so if you are too young, 13 and under, 14, 15, 16 years old, you are not to date. If you're not ready to get married, 17 years old, you're not ready to get married yet. Now, maybe you think that, you know, you've got a 17 year old daughter who is, I guess I'd like to meet her.

But my point is this, father's involved and you have an eye towards marriage. Now, here's the way it works in our house and here's the way I think it should probably work in your house as well. Here's what you tell your daughter at age 14, at age 13, whatever age she's at in this realm, you say, now, honey, you're not going to be able to go out on any dates or court people until you're ready to get married.

So now, in the meantime, if somebody says, I'd like to ask you out to go to dinner or to go to a movie or drive-in movie, whatever people ask those, you know, whatever the dating program is these days, you just say, if you're interested, if you're not interested, you could just say, you know, no thanks.

And by the way, it takes a lot of courage for a young man to ask. And so don't be mean, don't be unchristian, just say, you know, thanks a lot, but no thanks. If you are interested in the person, then you need to say you'll have to talk to my father.

Now, when a 14-year-old calls me, he probably won't call. So that gets rid of 50 percent of the cowards. But if he does call, then I can say, thank you for expressing an interest in my daughter. You may be friends, but you're not ready to get married yet.

And so the answer is no. And so that way, my daughter doesn't have to be the one negotiating with the boy. Men are very adept at wearing ladies down to go out on dates and to go do such and such a thing.

And so that is just completely taken off the table. Now I can protect my daughter from having to do any of that. Please talk to my father. Now, let's say your daughter is 18 years old and she is ready, in fact, to get married or she has that desire one day.

And some boy says, some young man says, I'd like to take you out. I'd like to get to know you. Maybe he's at the church, so he knows the program. I'd like to court you. I'd like to be involved with you.

She says, that would be great. You'll have to talk to my father. And then when he calls the dad, then you say, well, it's great that you want to take my daughter out, but you can take us out. You can't take her out, but you can take us out.

You can't court her, but you can court us. Something like that. And then the dad begins to get to know the man, he gets to know the character of the man, and he begins to know the testimony of the man.

And he can invite the man to the house for Thanksgiving, for Friday night movie night, for hikes up the mountain, etc., etc. And so that is the way it should work. Now, if you have a son and the son is interested in a girl and she is not ready to be married, nor is your son ready to be married, then you need to tell your son, we need to be involved in other things, work and ministry.

And I'll get to some of that in a minute. But you may not ask the girl's father. Once he is able to provide for his family and once he's able to decide to court someone, then you, the father, of course, with the mother's help, say to the young man, your own son, you'd like to date such and such a girl, court her, whatever you'd like to do, whatever biblical terminology.

What you should do then is you should ask the father, I'm interested in your daughter. I'd like to get to know her a little bit. And based on your wisdom and your discretion and your timetable, I'd love it if you would invite me to some family functions so I could court you and court her and get to know her better.

And he'll say, well, I'll let you know. So he's going to probably go back and then talk to the daughter to ask if she's interested to sit and talk with the daughter. Is this man a Christian? Is this man such and such and such and such?

And then they can work through it. So today on No Compromise Radio, I'm trying to give you lessons, our principles for dating and courtship. So here's what's going on. The fathers need to be involved and fathers, you need to be involved for lots of reasons, not just to help your daughter pick the right husband.

By the way, isn't that going to be a wonderful thing if you can tell your daughters and tell your sons? Do you know, it's one of the biggest decisions, it is the biggest decision short of following Christ Jesus, short of responding to the gospel of the risen Savior.

Short of that, it's the most important decision you'll ever make. I'll help you. I'll be there. I love you. I know your strengths. I know your weaknesses. And I'll be there with you all the way. So in case emotions get the best of you, in case romance gets the best of you, I will be there to help you.

I know most kids, frankly, most adults, if you give them a menu at a restaurant, they're paralyzed. They don't know what to do because they can't choose. And so in this difficult decision, the kids that we have as Christian parents helping Christian kids or even unbelieving kids, we are going to help them like we help them with everything else.

And personally, I want my four kids to be happily married. I want them to be married. I want the right guy to come along for my three daughters, win me over, and then win them over and to have a wonderful celebration.

Doesn't have to be all at the same time. Four wonderful celebrations for my son and my three daughters for marriage. I want them to enjoy marriage. I want them to enjoy sex and marriage. I want them to have a wonderful romance with the person that they're courting.

I want all that from that. I want all that for them. I'm not a no person. Christian sexual ethics is not no. It's not no to romance. It's no to romance before you're ready. No to sex before you're married.

But then after you're ready and after you're married, then, you know, I want people to enjoy the generous God who gives manifold gifts, not only Christ Jesus, His Son, for our forgiveness, for our justification, for our wisdom and sanctification and righteousness, but for marriage and romance.

God is the one who designed it. He's the one who designed it that we would have feelings of attraction and romantic feelings and love. He's the one who has done that. And so fathers need to help with the mother's help, of course.

Mothers are helpers and they should help the leader, the father, in all these things. But it is the father's responsibility, 100 percent responsibility, to do this because he is 100 percent the leader.

And so fathers, you need to help them pick wisely, but you also need to protect their virginity. That is one of the things you do. That is one of the things you're responsible to do is to protect the virginity of your daughters.

And of course, you'd want to do that for your son as well. You do not want to have someone take advantage of your daughter or to tempt her to sin or to have premarital sex. No, you want to give them wisdom to help them choose wisely as they're growing, as they're learning.

So one of the things we do is we're right there along with the people, along with a couple, so that this works out well and the father and the wife can help in this. Did you know, as I'm reading here in Deuteronomy, that if there are sexual sin in the daughter in certain situations, here's what would happen.

But if the thing is true, the evidence, verse 20 of Deuteronomy 22, evidence of virginity was not found in the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house and the men of the city shall stone her to death with stones because she has done an outrageous thing in Israel by whoring in her father's house.

So you shall purge the evil from your midst. Now, you can read the whole context from 13 to 21 in Deuteronomy 22. The point is this, the father in Israel was responsible for the virginity of the daughter.

That was his responsibility. And this just goes back in my mind to these days where, you know, guys just show up at the door. Some guys aren't even brave enough to show up at the door and take the girl out.

And, you know, we have these prom nights and the sleepovers and all these other things. This is a father being, A, stupid and, B, lazy. It takes hard work to do all this. We have other things to do. We have other things that we'd like to do.

And this takes hard work and it takes mental engagement and it takes labor and conversation and communication and toil. It does. Mike Abenroth today, No Compromise Radio. Let me give you Josh Harris's definition of courtship.

Dating with a purpose, friendship plus possibility and romance chaperoned by wisdom. I think that's pretty good. A reformed version of dating under the supervision of parents between a man and a woman who are ready for marriage in the near future.

So, see, I'm not afraid of the word dating. I think courtship couples going through the father, once he's trusted and once the father knows him well and once the father knows the daughter is interested.

I don't mind if they go out for dinner. I don't know if they, I don't mind if they go out for a walk. I don't mind if they go out to a concert. I mind if they go out of town for a weekend at a hotel. I mind that.

I don't mind some of these other things that if it's done properly and you trust the guy. Another man said, courtship is a process by which mature young man or young lady of marriageable age, along with their parents, seek to discern their God-given life partner.

It involves the parents or authorities on both sides and yet allows for feelings and discernment from both of the young people involved. So, today on No Compromise Radio, we're talking about courtship.

Fathers be involved. Your authority trumps romantic feelings. Your position of headship trumps the daughter's desire. Of course, you want your daughter to be happy, but I'd rather have my daughter be holy than happy.

And on the wedding day of my daughters, I want to be the second happiest man there. Maybe the third happiest man if the father of the groom is extra happy that he could marry an Ebenroth. Of course, he should be excited, ecstatic.

But I want to be one of the three happiest people there. Short of the groom who gets the girl, I want to be happy for them. I don't want to say no. Again, the story for Christians at the Ebenroth house, at least, is not no, but dads are responsible and they need to walk through these things with their kids.

You are responsible. As a matter of fact, just on a side note here, dad, speaking of responsibility, I hope you don't let your daughters wear inappropriate clothes. I hope you don't let your daughters wear something that other people in the church say something like this.

Your dad lets you out of the house with that? That's your responsibility. And there have been occasions where I've had to say, you know what, honey, that's just not the best thing to wear. It's too firm.

It's too firm. It's too form-fitting. It's too firm-fitting. It's too form-fitting and accentuates, you know, the curves more than they need to be. And so let's just not wear that. I'm not trying to make her dress frumpily.

Oh, maybe I am. That's a kind of a nice word, isn't it? Frumpily. We, at our house, you know, people are attractive. You don't have to wear burlap bags when you go out. But there are just certain things that you have to be careful of.

So today on No Compromise Radio, fathers, be involved. Fathers, don't let your kids be interested in a relationship or be in a relationship before they're ready to get married. If your son doesn't have a job and can't hold a job and he's 15 years old, for what reason would you let such a immature person go out and try to be involved with a lady or another young person?

You can't do that at all. So today on No Compromise Radio, I try to give you a little bit of marriage advice. No, it's courtship advice and dating. So we'll do this again next week. We do these mini series to talk about dating and you can always write me at info at nocompromiseradio .com.

You might want to pick up that book, If You're a Lady, Passion and the Purity by Elizabeth Elliott. Or you could pick up one of the Josh Harris books, Her Hand in Marriage by Doug Wilson. Three or four books that will really help you and reaffirm to the fathers their central role in helping their children find a spouse.

So nocompromiseradio .com, God bless you. No Compromise Radio with Pastor Mike Abendroth is a production of Bethlehem Bible Church in West Boylston. Bethlehem Bible Church is a Bible teaching church firmly committed to unleashing the life transforming power of God's Word through verse by verse exposition of the sacred text.

Please come and join us. Our service times are Sunday morning at 1015 and in the evening at 6. We're right on route 110 in West Boylston. You can check us out online at bbchurch .org or by phone at 508 -835 -3400.

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