The Twin Pillars of a Godly Marriage - “The Role of a Wife” (Part 2)

Ephesians and the Gospel Picture of Marriage

I'll open your Bibles to the fifth chapter of Ephesians, Ephesians chapter five, Ephesians chapter five. And let's begin with the word of prayer. Our great God and Father, we come to you this morning asking you to help us to humble our hearts before your word.

We are so very grateful for all that we have, just the happy sounds of fellowship, a warm building, comfortable seats, a Christian fellowship where they know the word, where they love the word, where they treasure the word, where we can be encouraged one with another as we press in.

We pray that your spirit would be our teacher this morning. Help us to have open ears and eyes that see. What you have for us here in Jesus' name, amen. All right, well, we are here in the fifth chapter again.

It says in Proverbs chapter 18 in verse 22, he who finds a wife, finds a good thing, obtains favor from the Lord. He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. By the way, finds is a verse, young men, or is a verb rather, is a verb, an action item, okay?

The Bible supports and exalts marriage because God supports and exalts marriage. It is after all his invention, right? There in Genesis chapter two. And although many of the marriages that we read about in the scripture bear the disfigurement of a husband's sin, still the husband and wife relationship is repeatedly used throughout the Old Testament, repeatedly used throughout the Old Testament to describe God's relationship to his people.

Come to the page of the New Testament and the marriage continues to be that illustration of the relationship between God and his people. It's not because it works, it's not why it's used as that illustration, but it's because God actually designed marriage as a means of conveying a very profound spiritual truth about the relationship between Christ and his church.

Paul tells us that here in Ephesians chapter five. This mystery was unknown in the Old Testament and was revealed to the apostle Paul here in the New, and in Ephesians chapter three, that's where he says exactly that.

So we can confidently say what we believe and how we conduct ourselves in our marriage preaches either a true or a false gospel.

Say it again.

We can confidently say that what we believe about marriage and how we conduct ourselves in our marriage preaches either a true or a false gospel. We either paint a good picture, a good illustration, or we paint a distorted one.

This lifts the discussion of Christian marriage out of the realm of what works, out of the realm of what is most pleasing to me, out of the realm of what does society want, and instead moves it into the realm of the non-negotiable transcendent truth, non-negotiable and transcendent truth.

Marriage is a union of equals, a union of equals, each with a set of divinely assigned roles that are permanently fixed and non-interchangeable, and is rooted in the permanently fixed and non-interchangeable nature of human gender and sexuality.

Say it to you again. Marriage is a union of equals, each with a set of divinely assigned roles that are permanently fixed and non-interchangeable, rooted in the permanently fixed and non-interchangeable nature of human gender and sexuality.

That's just a whole bunch of words to say that men are men and women are women. We've been created by God that way, and he has assigned us how we relate to one another in the covenant of marriage. For the husband, one of his key roles is leadership, called headship.

For the wife, one of her key roles is following her husband's leadership, called submission. Now, we began last week to look at seven aspects of a woman's or a wife's submission, so seven aspects of a wife's submission that explain, justify, and exalt this godly characteristic of Christian wives.

Seven aspects of a wife's submission that explain, justify, and exalt this godly characteristic of Christian wives. So, let me give you the list. Give it to you. The first, a wife's submission is voluntary.

A wife's submission is voluntary. Second, a wife's submission is specific. A wife's submission is specific. Third, a wife's submission is devotional, devotional. Fourth, a wife's submission is comprehensive, comprehensive.

Fifth, a wife's submission is respectful. Or sixth, rather, a wife's submission is difficult. And seventh, a wife's submission is beautiful. So, voluntary, specific, devotional, comprehensive, respectful, difficult, and beautiful.

This is what God has called Christian wives too. Now, by way of reminder, last week, we looked at the first three. So, we looked at that the submission is voluntary. Verse 22, wives, be subject to your own husbands.

Last week, we looked at it. We looked at the grammatical, theological, and contextual evidence that undergirds the observation that it is voluntary. I also noted that because biblical submission is voluntary, it cannot be a natural ability nor a temperament.

Rather, it is a spiritual discipline. It is both taught and learned. Paul teaches exactly that reality in Titus chapter two, verses three to five. We looked at it last week. We called for the older and more spiritually mature women of the congregation to train the younger women in this foundational understanding of a wife's role in the marriage relationship.

A wife's submission is voluntary. A wife's submission is specific. Again, verse 22, wives, be subject to your own husbands, to your own husbands. Paul instructs a wife to be subject to her own husband, not to all men generally, but to one man specifically.

We know the implications of that for a woman considering marriage that are huge in terms of choosing this future life partner. And choose well. Choose someone for whom it will be a delight to follow rather than a duty or a burden.

So choose well. We looked last time at devotional. A wife's submission is devotional, as to the Lord. Verse 22, as to the Lord. A godly wife recognizes the authority structures are established by God.

So when she understands and when she submits to a God-given authority, she is ultimately submitting to God himself. God has placed her husband in authority over her. And therefore, when she submits to him, she is ultimately submitting to Christ.

And the submission to Christ is an act of worship. It is an act of worship. Therefore, ladies, submission is devotional. It is devotional. And that takes us to number four. A wife's submission is comprehensive.

This is the one you've all been waiting for. Comprehensive. Verse 24, but as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their own husbands in everything. Now, it is, I think, probably indisputable that of the seven aspects of a wife's submission, this one will cause the most heartburn.

This will be the one that will cause the most heartburn. And I acknowledge that reality.

I acknowledge it.

But I would simply point out this. I don't think it was any easier for the Ephesian wives to hear this 2 ,000 years ago than it is for us to hear it today. You understand what I'm saying? I think it's always been difficult to hear.

Always.

Beyond that, husbands bear a tremendous responsibility to exercise their authority in a way that encourages their wives to flourish while making their duty a delight rather than a burden. Husbands, love your wives, verse 25, as Christ also loved the church.

Husbands, how we exercise that authority can make it a delight or a burden to our wives. A delight or a burden. Now notice, verse 24, in everything, do you see it? In everything. By using this phrase, Paul establishes the boundaries and the extent of a husband's authority in his marriage.

The boundaries and the extent of a husband's authority in his marriage. Now notice that Paul does not say that wives ought to be subject to their husbands in absolutely everything. So there are some obvious qualifiers to this.

There are some obvious qualifiers. But interestingly, Paul doesn't say what they are. He does not discuss the exceptions, and I think that's because he assumes that mature Christian men and women don't need it spelled out for them.

But, just so it's on the record, just so it's on the record, God does not require wives to submit to their husbands' authority when that authority is being used to coerce them to sin. A wife does not need to submit to her husband's authority.

In fact, she should not submit to her husband's authority when he is using that authority to coerce her to sin. Acts chapter five and verse 29, Peter says, we must obey God rather than man. That is a principle, a fundamental principle.

James Bordwine, B-O-R-D-W-I-N-E, in a very fine book entitled The Pauline Doctrine of Male Headship, I can commend it to you, James Bordwine, The Pauline Doctrine of Male Headship, writes as follows.

This qualifier, or back it up, neither should this qualifier be read as though it justifies any and all opinions a husband might hold. Rather, Paul's meaning is that the husband's authority extends to all areas of the marriage relationship.

Let me say it again. The idea in everything should not assume, well, let me read it instead of summarizing it. Neither should the qualifier in everything be read as though it justifies any and all opinions.

So his authority does not extend to any and every opinion he might hold. Rather, Paul's meaning is that the husband's authority extends to all areas of the marriage relationship. There is not any area of the marriage relationship that is outside of his authority, outside of his authority.

Having said all of this, the phrase is still quite extensive, quite expansive, and it covers all areas of the marital life, all areas of the marital life. Beloved, because a husband's headship is real, the husband is the head of the wife.

His authority is real. Because his headship is real, his authority is real. And with the authority comes the responsibility to exercise it in a God-honoring way, gentlemen. Back to verse 25, right? Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Now, as anyone who has ever had or exercised authority, that is real authority, knows you cannot and do not make every decision. The exercise of real authority does not mean that you make every single decision.

You cannot do that, you cannot do that. That is not what it means to exercise authority. Many decisions are delegated to others, many decisions. But ultimately, the responsibility for the delegated decision remains with you.

That's what authority means. You can delegate authority, but you can never delegate or shed responsibility. Such is the nature of leadership. Men, we cannot slough it off. Onto our wives. So, areas that fall under a husband's authority and thus his responsibility.

As a husband, these decisions that you will be called on to make need to be made with careful consultation with your wife. Careful consultation. Proverbs 31, verse 26, speaking near of the idolized woman, says she opens wide her mouth in wisdom.

Opens wide her mouth in wisdom. Gentlemen, carefully consult with your wife. Value her opinion. She has much to offer you, much. But in the end, in the end, it still remains, as the husband, it still remains your responsibility.

If the married couple, after prayerful and honest discussion, are unable to come to a consensus, then the wife must look to her husband to make the final call. That's how it has to work out. And at that point, wives, it is your responsibility to joyfully submit to the decision he has made.

This is the meaning of in everything. In everything. Now, let me just push it into the corners a little bit. A husband's authority, thus his responsibility, extends to the following areas. Are you ready?

You think you're ready. Where the family will live. Where the family will live. What home? What neighborhood? What city? What state? What nation? Where will the family live? It is ultimately his responsibility to make that decision.

How the family will spend their money.

Budgeting.

Budget categories. The use of debt.

Giving. Spending.

Investing. All fall under your husband's responsibility and authority. The number and spacing of children. The number and spacing of children. Now, that recognizes it is the Lord who opens and closes the womb.

We do know that. But there is human agency involved, and it is ultimately the husband's responsibility.

In these things.

How they will raise their children. Discipline. How will discipline be structured in this home? Will you require first-time obedience, or will you train your children to third, fourth, fifth, whenever you get around to it?

Will you use the rod of correction, or not? And if so, under what circumstances? Manners. Husbands, we are responsible for our children's manners, or lack thereof. Or lack thereof. Spiritual formation of your children.

Bible reading. Family worship.

Prayer.

Singing.

And ministry involvements. All fall under the husband's responsibilities. And the wives are called to submit. Education. The education of your children.

School choices.

Higher education. Trade schools. Apprentices. Whatever. They fall under the man's responsibility. The wives are called to submit to his authority in these matters. Clothing.

Clothing.

The quality of the clothing. The quantity of the clothing. The style of the clothing. The modesty or immodesty of the clothing. The cost of the clothing. All falls under his responsibility.

Food. Food.

Vegetarian or non-vegetarian. How will this household be run?

Nutrition. Flavor.

Quality.

All fall under his ultimate responsibility. Physical health. Physical health. Medical care.

Medical care.

What medical care will we avail ourselves of? Exercise. Vitamins and weight management, to name a few. Transportation choices. Type of vehicle, number of vehicles. New vehicles, used vehicles. That is all falls under his responsibility.

Choice of and involvement in a local church. Choice of and involvement in a local church. Reminded of Joshua 24, 15, as from me and my house, we shall serve the Lord, Joshua says. Entertainment choices.

Entertainment choices and quantity. Frequency and types of movies. How much time spent on the internet. The use of video games. Television and all of the various electronic entertainment options. The older children's romantic involvements fall under the husband's responsibility.

When your children will date. Whom they will date. Fall under your authority and responsibility. A wife's friendships, a wife's friendships. Choice of friends. Are they a good influence or not? Time invested in relationships.

How much time should be invested? When is it too much? When is it not enough? Working inside or outside the home. Side businesses, direct employment.

Type of work, hours worked. Distance traveled to work, pay rates.

It all falls under, it all falls under. The family calendar and commitments. How much home time versus away time? It's our responsibility. Number of commitments. Levels of relational fatigue from such commitments.

It's all our responsibility. Hospitality, the extent and the frequency of it. Reminded again of 1 Timothy 3 .2. Where a requirement for an elder is that he be hospitable. If it's a requirement of him, that means it's something he has authority over.

He's being tested against that which he has authority over. 1 Timothy 3 .2, hospitality. And finally, poking one more time. The use of leisure time. The use of leisure time. The number and the frequency of vacations.

The use of weekends, date nights, et cetera, et cetera,.

Et cetera, okay?

So in everything, in everything. Now, in light of all of this, you may be thinking like the apostles in Matthew chapter 19 and verse 10, after Jesus had spoken to them about the true meaning behind God's plan for marriage.

You remember this? The disciples said to him, if the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it's better not to marry. If the relationship between a husband and wife in terms of leadership and submission or authority and submission is like this, then maybe it's better not to marry.

What do we do? What do we do if the husband does not understand or follow through on his leadership responsibilities? What do you do, ladies? What do you do if your husband does not understand his leadership responsibilities or he doesn't follow through on them?

What do you do? Well, if he is a spiritual man with a renewed mind and heart, he will respond in faith to the Spirit and the Word. He will respond. Maybe not immediately and completely, but surely and truly over time, he will respond.

As a godly wife, you should pray for him. You should respectfully seek to discuss your areas of concern with him in the non-conflict times. But pray. Pray. Beloved, we cannot sanctify another person.

We cannot sanctify another person because we cannot reach inside their heart. There is only one who can do that, and that is God himself. So leaving books on what it means to be a godly husband with a bookmark and the right chapter in the bathroom is probably not a great approach.

Probably not a great approach. His dashboard of his truck, maybe. We can't sanctify anyone else, but we can and we do bear the responsibility for our own response to the gospel. We need to seek our own growth in godliness, and that includes learning contentment and patience as we wait upon the Lord.

What if the husband is a functional unbeliever? What if he's a functional unbeliever? Then what? Well, turn over to 1 Peter 3 because there Peter addresses that exact issue. What if your husband is a functional unbeliever?

He is still your head. He is still your head. 1 Peter 3, beginning in verse one, in the same way you wives be submissive to your own husbands. Boy, that's familiar language. So that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be one without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

Your adornment must not be merely external, braiding the hair and wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses, but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in the sight of God.

For in this way, in former times, the holy women also who hoped in God used to adorn themselves being submissive to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him Lord. And you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

You have an unbelieving husband, he is still your head.

He is still your head.

And you can have a tremendous gospel impact on him and your children, on both him and your children. I am reminded of Timothy's mother, Eunice, who was married to an unbelieving Greek man. And yet Paul in 2 Timothy 3, 14 and 15 talks about how she, or how Timothy learned the gospel at his mother's knee.

So tremendous opportunity for the next generation, even when married to an unbelieving man. If your husband is an evangelical hypocrite, an evangelical hypocrite, then you have the support and protection of the church through the process of restorative church discipline.

It is available to you for your protection and his ultimate good. Now, a cup of coffee, if you'll permit. Before we leave this aspects of a wife's submission, let's pause and consider the comparison that Paul draws in verse 24 back in Ephesians five.

He draws a comparison of submission between the church to Christ and a wife to her husband. Verse 24, but as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

You see it?

As is so also. There's a direct comparison being drawn. In other words, the pattern of the wife's submission is the submission of the church to Christ. That is the pattern of her submission. What does that pattern look like?

What does that pattern look like? It is authentic. It is authentic. A church that is not following Christ and obedient to his word is a church that is at best disobedient and at worst apostate. At best disobedient, at worst apostate.

In the letters to the seven churches of Revelation chapters two and three, Christ repeatedly rebukes the individual churches for failing to submit to his authority, even threatening to remove the candlestick of those that do not repent.

Being submissive to Christ is not simply lip service. It is not simply lip service. It is demonstrated in action. In the words of James, our faith is revealed in our deeds. James 2, 17 and 18. Our faith is demonstrated in our deeds.

So the church's submission to Christ is authentic. A wife's submission to her husband must similarly be authentic. Not in word only, but in deed. Beyond that, it is heartfelt. It is heartfelt. The church submits to the authority of Christ because we want to.

Because we want to. Our submission is spirit-produced, voluntary desire to do what he asks. We want to do this. It is the result of the spirit's work within us. And since it's been a month and a half since we were there, just let your eyes go up your page in chapter five, where in verse 18 it says, do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled by the spirit.

And then we have the demonstrations of the spirit filling, finishing in verse 21 with being subject to one another in the fear of the Lord, wives to their own husbands. It is a heartfelt submission because it is produced by the spirit of God within a redeemed heart.

Now Christ is the perfect leader.

All his decisions are just and right. And that is a far cry from the sinfully flawed and faltering decisions produced by a husband in his own weakness. A far cry. So the heartfelt desire of the wife to submit to her husband must ultimately come from an understanding that it is submission to Christ in its final.

It is ultimately her submission to Christ.

It is heartfelt.

It is joyous. It is joyous. When a husband is loving his wife, as Christ loves the church, submission to his headship is a joy, not a burden. It's a joy, not a burden. When he's not loving like Christ, following his authority, can still bring joy, it can still bring joy.

When the wife understands and takes seriously the words of James in chapter one, where James says in chapter one, verses two and three, count it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

Okay, ladies, you're gonna encounter various trials in the submission to your very flawed husband. For those of you who are newly married, newsflash. If you've been married more than three days, you probably have already figured it out.

Yeah, yeah. All over the place. Mistakes, sinful, self-willed decisions. All of that, for sure, for sure. But the solution is not to hit the ripcord, bail out. It's to press in in faith. All right, gentlemen, let's make our wives' submission a joy in the first way rather than the second, huh?

Let's exercise our authority in a loving, serving way and make her joy far easier than to ask her to count it joy that she's married to Mr. Blockhead. Finally, it's secure. It is secure. The church finds comfort and security in the loving headship of Christ.

The church finds comfort and security in the loving headship of Christ, and so should a wife find her husband's loving headship to be a source of security and not a threat to her individuality or her human dignity.

She should see it as a security for her because that is how God has designed it.

That is how God has designed it.

Three Takeaways for Christian Marriages

All right, let's put a bow on it. Three things to walk away with. First, for the sake of the gospel, for the sake of the gospel, marriage has been set up in such a way that it communicates about Christ and the church.

For the sake of the gospel, marriage has been set up in such a way that it communicates about Christ and the church. That means how we relate to each other in the context of authority and submission is preaching something about the gospel all the time.

Every marriage is speaking about Christ and his church.

Every marriage.

The question is, what are we speaking? What kind of a picture are we drawing? And I think when we can understand that and start to get our minds around that, it sort of revolutionizes how we wanna approach this.

We wanna paint a good picture, don't we? We have an opportunity to paint a generational picture, a generational picture. Second, in service to that cause, men and women were created by God in a certain way and given defined roles.

The roles are not interchangeable. They are not indistinct. It is not 50 -50. There is a hierarchy. There is an authority structure. It was established by God. It was established by God to communicate about the gospel and to provide for human flourishing.

If we are not flourishing under God's design, the fall lies with us, not the design. It's time to go back to the manufacturer's instructions and reread. Third, we will find our greatest human flourishing when we wholeheartedly embrace that reality rather than buck against it.

We will find our greatest human flourishing when we wholeheartedly embrace God's design for marriage rather than buck against it. There is tremendous joy in obedience. Tremendous joy. It's liberating.

It is liberating. Now the God of peace, who brought up from the dead the great shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory forever and ever.

Amen. Amen. Let's pray.

Our Father, we are sobered by the realities, both men and women, of our responsibilities and duties with regard to a husband for his wife and a wife to her husband. The sobriety of it all, the recognition that it is not merely a social convention that can be like so much putty shaped in any way we desire, but that it is based on a transcendent reality designed by you to communicate about your son and his church, his bride, and put in place for human flourishing at the beginning, one man, one woman for life.

And yet, our Father, we, with feet of clay, so mess things up. We pray that your spirit in his gentleness and tenderness would remind us even now of how we have failed, not to crush us, but to sober us and remind us of how much we need Christ, how much we need to be forgiven and to be a forgiving people, how grateful we are that you are the God of second chances, that you understand our weakness and frailty, that you give us the opportunity to repent and to try again and the capacity to forgive because we have been forgiven in Christ.

And so I pray for all of us, Father, that there is not a one of us here this morning who can say we've done it right, that there's no failure in us. We all have it to one degree or another. And so encourage us in the gospel this morning, strengthen our commitment to it, our hold upon it, deepen our marriages.

May they paint just a gloriously accurate and compelling picture of Christ and his church for it is his glory on display.

Amen and amen.