2. Marriage Pitfalls: Marriage Conference 2024 Session Two

Good morning. It's good to see all of you again.

Let's.

Pray.

Christ Reigns, and We Ask for Wisdom in Marriage

As we begin father, I'm grateful for your mercy this morning grateful that Christ reigns and rules that he is the lamb and the end the lion and that he conquered by his death purchasing us and Enabling us empowering us to walk worthy of that calling pray Lord that you would help us to do so in our marriages and our families.

Equip us. I pray with the way to think about things. But also with right hearts that seek to live in obedience to you. We ask for this grace now in Jesus name and amen. All right. Let me recap last night.

Some of you may not have been here. Let me recap what we talked about there. Before moving into this first session of the morning. So last night I gave a little brief framework for thinking about the way that men and women God created us as male and female and applied it to marriage and that framework was this.

God's acts established basic facts. God has done things. He's made us in certain ways. That just are it just it's an indicative Statement of reality and then second God's commands fit those facts so what God says fits what he's done.

And then our Applications ought to fit those facts and commands and we didn't really get into that. We'll get is more of that application today. But we focus mainly on these different facts. Facts of creation things like all all human beings are made in God's image and for his mission as well as male.

Headship and we looked briefly at Genesis where Adam. God created Adam first. Adam named Eve. He taught his wife the law of the garden. He was held responsible For the first failure those sort of things are indications that Adam was created as the head of his home.

We talked a little bit about facts of nature things like Men are taller men are more aggressive men prefer status hierarchies and women are more relational maybe more nurturing. Because men are made to be fathers and women are made to be mothers and those different callings then shape Who and what we are and then finally facts of redemption.

Christ died for his church and that relationship becomes the model for husbands and wives. Which we looked at briefly in Ephesians 5. That was the first main part and then the second was when we talked about what it what we mean by headship and bodyship.

And I'll just read this summary again of what the head does and the body does. The head Orders and structures the body for its purpose. Puts things in order for God's purpose through his presence and his words and his actions.

And then he empowers the members of his body to fulfill their calling. He's a he's a provider he empowers and provides so that his family his wife his family can fulfill their calling and He also maintains the body's boundaries.

He protects and he represents the body and is responsible for the well-being of the body and. Then the body on the other hand receives that presence. From the head the presence the words and the actions and refines it makes it better providing feedback and input and counsel wisdom to the head and then the body glorifies the heads efforts makes them fruitful keeps in step carries out the heads will and amplifies and extends The body's influence in the world.

So the body receives in order to give more. That's what women especially do. So that's what we talked about last night. Today, I want to begin by talking about the ways that goes wrong. Okay, I want to talk about Genesis chapter 3.

So if you have a Bible you can open there to Genesis 3 and I want us to see Some facts about the the first failure the first and foundational sin. How it worked. There's a particular pattern that God introduces us to in this Opening chapters of Genesis that shows up throughout the Bible and that we need to be aware of we need to be on guard against.

So we'll look at this this pattern. And then we'll look at God's response to the sin. What's the curse that God levies against? Against human sin. Before looking at how then he puts us back together and what he calls us to in terms of a courageous marriage individually and as as a couple so In so you remember that in Genesis chapter 2 God had called Adam to work and keep the garden.

Genesis 2 15 Adam was called to work and keep the garden to to protect it and to guard it. Okay, the garden is like a temple. It's like a sanctuary and Adam is the first priest and he's supposed to guard and keep and protect this garden but when a serpent approaches his wife.

This crafty serpent approaches his wife and blasphemes his God. Okay, did God really say? You won't surely die. No. No, that's so he questions God's Word. God really say that and then he denies it. That's not good.

That's not happening. God's God won't kill you. That's not true. Instead he's trying to hold you back, right? He knows that if you eat of that tree, you'll be like him. You'll be like him. He's trying to hold you down.

So the serpent Blasphemes God. God is not a good father. God is a miser trying to hold you down. It's lies about God when Adam who as a priest is supposed to guard this garden when he's confronted With a serpent speaking to his wife.

He is passive. He just stands there. He watches it happen and this is important. We know that he was there because in look at look there in chapter 3 verse 6 The passage says that Eve gave some to her husband who was with her.

Okay, that's the key line. It's not as though Eve was off on her own. There's some Renderings of this story. John Milton famously in Paradise Lost had Adam and Eve separated for the temptation. They were separated and so the serpent found Eve when she was by herself and she ate and then she came back Having already fallen and said here Adam, but the text says no Adam who was with her.

Her husband who was with her. He's standing there. He was with her the whole time and he did nothing now. This is a little in the weeds, but I think when the serpent Said to her did God really say I can understand stand Adam pausing for a minute to see.

Did she learn her Sunday school lesson? Right. Adam had been responsible to teach her the law of the garden because she wasn't there when it was given and so Adam's gonna See, does she know the Word of God and she responds is no we not we can't eat of it.

And she adds this little neat neither shall we touch it and there's questions about why she adds that we won't get into that. Neither shall she touch it lest we die. So she gets it, right and at that point Adam She said good.

She got it, right and when the serpent says you won't die. He ought to have done something. At that point this is no longer a friendly conversation with some sort of Angelic beast. I don't know what we how we think about the serpent, right?

He's the devil in inhabiting a beast of the field perhaps. But whatever is going on at that point, it's over and Adam needs to step in and he doesn't he fails. He ought to have picked up a sword to kill the dragon and protect the girl.

But he doesn't he he's passive he abdicates he neglects his God-given Responsibilities. Okay. So that's step one. This is a pattern. Oh, there's a three steps to it that step one abdication step two.

This initial abdication this neglect leads to greater evil evil because after Eve seizes and eats that forbidden fruit she turns and offers some to her husband and now Adam has a choice and Notice here that his choice is different than Eve's.

Okay, there's the temptations for the man and the woman here are different because Eve wasn't around when God gave that command she learned it from Adam and The the serpent exploits that you might call it a weakness in order to deceive her.

Okay, because. So she's heard from one creature. Don't eat from that tree because you'll die and now she's hearing from another creature. You won't die. So she has to choose between two creatures. Does she listen to her husband or does she listen to this?

Serpent and perhaps it's an angel, you know, I would have presumed it's an angelic guardian type servant. Satan's masquerading here, right? So which creature do I listen to? Adam is not in that position.

He can't be deceived about who who accurately speaks for God because he heard it from God himself. Does that make sense this is why Paul and first Timothy will say the man was not deceived. The woman was deceived.

The man was not deceived. He was not tricked She was going well, my husband said this but this angelic guardian says this this angelic being says this. So who do I listen to who speaks for God? She could be deceived.

Adam at this point. It's just his wife has eaten it and now he has a choice.

He has a choice.

His choice is between his God and his wife.

That's his choice.

Between bone of his bone and the one who made his bones. That's his choice. And he chooses her. Okay, he exchanges. This is the biblical language for this. He exchanges the glory of the immortal God for a creature.

That's what God says when he punishes Adam when we get down there in chapter 3. Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and eaten of the tree of which I commanded you. You shall not eat. You hear that you listen to her not to me.

You chose her not me. You would rather have her without me than me without her. If given the choice between the God and of who made you the God who lavished you the God who loves you and your wife. You chose her.

The biblical term for this is idolatry. This is high handed. Idolatry. And to connect the dots. This is where that abdication passivity and neglect always leads. We drift and we drift and we drift and.

Eventually, we're faced with the big decision. And when the moment of choice comes we seize sin with a high hand. I'd rather have her than you God. That's the second step. Abdication leads to idolatry.

Abdication leads to idolatry patterns. Not yet over though. Where does idolatry lead? Well idolatry gives way to blame shifting. So when Adam when God confronts Adam and his disobedience. Okay, he comes down.

Adam, where are you. And Adam shows up. Oh, I might as well do this. This is fun. I gave you one of my my my wo-man joke last night. This is my other one. So this is parentheses this one's free, okay, the other one this one's a free one.

How's the joke go?

Okay, there's a pastor who's noticed that one of his parishioners has stopped coming to church. Hadn't been there in a long time and being a good pastor. He's gonna go visit him. So he goes to the guy's house and walks up to the door and rings the doorbell and nobody answers.

He is. I'll swing it again rings it again and then he looks over and he notices in the window. There's a little flutter of the curtains and he's like, oh he's home. You know, he just saw me. So he says, okay fine, and he pulls out his card and on the back of the card.

He writes Hebrews he writes Hebrews 10. Let us not neglect meeting together as is the habit of some okay, right? And then if you go on sending willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth. There's no sacrifice for sins.

Right leaves a nice little pastoral note on the back of the card leaves it and and goes back the next Sunday the guy's in church and He says, oh good pastoral duty fulfilled. He brought him but God brought him back praise.

God gives a sermon after the sermon. He's standing in the back and the guy comes up to me. He says hey pastor. Good to see you. I just wanted to return this and he gives the card back and He scratched out the Hebrews passage in there in their place has written Genesis 3 10.

I'll wait just go and look right. I'd heard the sound of you in the garden. But I was naked. I was I was afraid and so I hid myself. Okay, so there that's the second. That's my second youth pastor joke.

I've only got two. So add but God Adam says, um Adam where are you? I heard you were naked and then this is the hand in the cookie jar moment. Who told you you were naked and Adam goes? Shoot right. Oops.

I gave it away. I Gave it away and have you eaten of the tree that I told you not to eat from and no, this is the key moment. Okay, Adam immediately passes the buck. The woman you gave me She gave me of the tree and I ate.

Okay, this is important. You have to think about this. Okay. This is Eve's fault. It's God's fault. It's this is what's amazing about this. There are literally like three beings on the planet right now.

Okay, it's like there's God there's Adam and Eve and Adams like all I know is that it's everybody's fault, but mine. I Know that things have gone Terribly wrong and I just want you to know God that the one person who had nothing to do with any of this is me.

The woman that you gave me. You if you didn't want this to happen, why did you give her to me? And I want you to think here this is important think about what Adam blaming his wife means here, okay. We think oh, yeah blaming.

Okay kids blame we blame blame blame blame, but what was the consequence? For eating from that tree. It's death in the day. You eat of it. You will surely die. So when Adam blames her he is effectively saying kill her not me.

Kill her not me. He's supposed to protect her.

And.

Instead he says no. No you protect me. He exposes her to judgment. He's supposed to die for her and now he's demanding that she die for him. And then of course, she follows him.

Faithful wife right.

Follows him. God turns to her and says what have you done? And Eve said the serpent Deceived me and I ate so Adam points a finger At God and his wife and then God says well, what about it? And she says him the serpent.

It's his fault. Okay, Eve imitates Adam in the blame game. This is the pattern. Okay abdication leads to idolatry. Which leads to blame shifting? That's the biblical pattern and it shows up again and again in the scriptures.

Okay, we won't have time to go into these but if you want to go study them on your own in Exodus chapter 32 the incident at the golden calf. Okay, the same pattern reappears with Aaron. Okay that passivity that idolatry and that blame later in 1st Samuel with Saul when God tells him to go wipe out the Amalekites the same pattern reappears abdication.

Idolatry and blame shifting both Aaron and Saul. Say to God, you know the people their hearts are, you know, come on. Come on. You know the people the people God they're terrible. It's their fault. I was just standing here.

This is my favorite Aaron. After he literally takes their gold forges a golden calf and that leads them to bow down and worship it. God Moses shows up and says what are you doing? And he's like I was just standing here.

I threw the gold in out popped a calf. It's what he says out just out popped a calf. I was minding my business and then the people started bounding, you know the people. This is that pattern. Okay, this is the pattern and it's one that we need to attend to and try to interrupt at every step.

Along the way we'll come back to that. Okay, so that's that's sin. That's how the sin happened abdication. Idolatry blame shifting and now we need to see how did God respond to this? How does God respond?

To this sin and we often say that God cursed Adam and Eve. Okay, God cursed Adam Eve, but if we're we pay attention, that's not quite true. Okay, it seems significant to me that as you read through God's words there and about there's 14 and following.

The only person that is cursed is the serpent. So look in verse 14 cursed are you? Okay, it's the serpent that's cursed with Adam and Eve. We'll come back to curse in the serpent so focus on God's curse in relation to Adam and in relation to Eve.

Because the curse is specific to each of them. Okay, the consequences of sin aren't identical for the man and for the woman and it's supposed to instruct us. Okay. So to understand the difference between them, so we need to remember something about how they were created.

I mentioned this briefly last night. But Adam was taken from the ground. Adam was created from the ground. In fact, he's named after the ground the ground the word for ground in Hebrew is Adamah. And so Adam was taken from the Adamah.

You hear that? Okay, that's part of I didn't get into this last night. But that's part of how where did Adam learn to name his wife and it's like that's where he learned it. God took him from the Adamah and said that's the Adamah.

You're Adam. That's where you were taken from and then he sees Eve who was taken out of him and he says, okay. Then she's Eshah because she was taken out of Esh. You hear it? So Adam from the Adamah. Okay, that's how God did it.

I want to be a good faithful son and do what my father does. So she's Eshah taken out of Esh. He's learning. Okay, he's growing. So Adam was taken from the Adamah the ground and the woman was taken out of man.

What that means is I think Adam was taken out of the ground and is oriented to the ground. He's to work and guard the garden. Taken from the ground work the ground. She was taken out of him and what she oriented to him.

She's a helper fit for him. So he's taken out of the ground and oriented to his origin. She's taken out of him and oriented to her origin. Okay, I think. This is why God Paul said as we looked at last night woman was made for man not man for the woman, okay.

Her fundamental calling is him and subsequently their children and this idea that your origin Determines your orientation your origin determines your focus your primary focus is I think the biblical Explanation for this natural tendency that everybody recognizes for men to be oriented outward.

To look to the horizon to want to subdue untamed lands to that outward orientation is because of this. Meanwhile the female orientation to be oriented to people and relationships is also owing to this.

This is the biblical explanation for that.

Okay.

So that fact that where you were taken out of determines your fundamental calling is Then explains why God curses in the way that he does. So when he curses The woman look what he says. I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing.

In Pain, you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you. Okay, so the pain of childbirth and I think by extension child rearing is multiplied and Then you have this desire for her husband and her husband's sinful rule over her.

So what's cursed for her? What will be painful and the answer is her relationships? Her relationships are gonna be very painful. Her work as his helper and ally will be painful.

Okay.

God had created her to be a helper for her husband in this task of being fruitful Multiplying filling and subduing the bearer of children and now these things will be painful for her broken and That phrase desire for your for her your husband there is is controversial people wonder.

What does it mean it shows up to other places in the Bible? One of them is Genesis 4 7 right after chapter later. And it's where sin is crouching at Cain's door and it says it. God says its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.

You hear the echo. It's the same phrase. So, okay so what does that mean sin is like this monster crouching at the door wanting to possess Cain and Cain has to crush sin and That is what God says to Eve.

That's the curse your desire will be for your husband and he'll rule over you. The other place it shows up though is a very different context song of songs chapter 7 verse 10 I am my beloved's and his desire is for me and you know, that's different.

Okay, but there actually is that kind of a how do those come together? Okay, the idea is a kind of possession. Okay, that's the common thread between both sin wants to possess Cain a lover in a good way can want to possess his beloved.

You're mine. My desire is for you. And so then when you bring those together and you say what's the curse for the woman? Okay, is that apart from God? She will want to possess her husband in excessive ways and if this will take different forms, okay different forms one form would be a neediness and.

A hunger and craving for affection that could be one form that this desire for her husband could take. It could be in the form of manipulation. Right seeking to steer him in ways to get what she wants from him.

It could be in the form of outright possessiveness. Lewis CS Lewis once described he said. She was the sort of woman who lived for others and You could always tell the others by their hunted expression, right?

Okay, she was the sort of she's the sort of woman who lived for others and you could tell the others because they were like. Where is she? It could be in the form of just a desire to rule her husband sort of the outright.

I'm in charge girl boss. Okay, but in whatever form without God, here's the curse. She will want more from her relationships than they can deliver. She will try to get more out of these relationships than they can deliver.

She was made for relationship for her husband for her future children. But because God has been abandoned now because of that idolatry. They those relationships will now be more important for her and they will inevitably disappoint.

Frustrate and cause pain for her.

Okay.

And then the capstone is is that she's now at the mercy of a man who just accused and blamed her in order to save Her own skin his own skin. Right. Your husband is gonna rule over you and he just literally tried to get you to die for him.

She will want to possess him in the way that sin wants to possess Cain and rather than a sacrificial headship He will respond with a kind of hostility and domination. That the same kind that we ought to have toward our sin when we're like walk over the neck of your lusts.

That's the kind of rule that's cursed here. Okay, so for that's Eve what at for Adam? What's the curse? Well, look here cursed is the ground because of you in pain. You shall eat of it all the days of your life.

Thorns and thistles that shall bring forth and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground for out of it. You were taken for you were dust and to dust you shall return.

So Eve was taken out of Adam the relationships cursed. Adam was taken from the ground. The ground is cursed. So all of those dreams of expanding the garden and taming the land and subduing the earth. Those are now going to be very very painful dreams.

The ground is gonna fight back. Those shrubs right these shrubs that were meant to you supposed to cultivate these shrubs. Okay. Now those are thorns and thistles. Labor and work were meant to be a delight and a joy.

Now they will be hard and pain painful and vain and then of course the ultimate vanity here is death. Okay, you're gonna return to dust Adam. Here's the deal. This is what God says to him. This is the curse in relation to Adam.

You will work hard your whole life. You will sweat and bleed to eat and provide and then you will die and you will not enjoy the fruit of your labor. You will pass it on to your kids and as Ecclesiastes says who knows what they'll do with it.

So just as Eve will want more from her work. Meaning her children her relationships than they can deliver now Adam without God will want more from his work than it can deliver. Okay, you get that right now the work that was supposed to be a delight for him is gonna be hard and painful just like Her work and here's the here's the irony the tragic irony of how these two they're different curses.

But they work together. Okay, these different curses will aggravate each other. Okay work will be harder for him. So now he's gonna have to pour more of himself into his work in order to be fruitful in his labor.

Okay, and this is gonna pull him away from his wife and children and so now her desire for him is gonna be more frustrated and as will her ability to be his helper and ally or Come at it the other way her desires for her husband.

She's gonna have increasing expectations and demands of him and as a result, he's gonna pull away. He's gonna throw himself into his work because home is hard. There's that and so now you have this constant tug-of-war in the relationship and nobody wins.

Okay, and what's remarkable to me is that in like these four short verses here in Genesis God has described like 90 of marital conflict that tug-of-war over. I need you more at home. But I have to labor in order to provide but I need you more at home.

I need more from you. You're not giving me enough, but I have but the work needs me and that tug-of-war, right? Where did that come from it came from here? It came from this passivity. Idolatry blame-shifting and then God's response in the cursed.

Okay, and here's the reality apart from Jesus. That's all there is. Okay. Thank God. That's not all there is. Before before moving to kind of some solution and hope here I want to talk about one other mutually feeding Spousal trap so you can see how that's a the aggravates this the sins of each aggravate the other there's another That that can show up.

That's related to this. Okay, so because women whose wives are more Relationally oriented than men in general more emotionally attuned. More attuned to their emotions and the emotions of others. One of the dangers for wives is To wield those emotions in order to steer and influence their husbands.

Okay to weaponize them, okay, and you can think of you pick your emotion here, okay anger what can be weaponized sadness, right. Weaponized fear anxiety all of these could be weaponized. Okay, and here's the deal men Will struggle to deal with intense female emotions.

It's one of the most uncomfortable thing for men is when when when women's emotions get intense men tend to shut down. They they withdraw okay, and so you can see how those tend to what is that? That's another form of abdication.

That's hard. I don't want to deal with this. So I'm gonna withdraw. I'm gonna check out I'm gonna go blank and I'm gone. So blow up shut down now. It can work the other way too. You could have a husband who blows up and a wife who shuts down.

It's not always one way or the other but that's a common trap that falls into and it's in its it's expressed here. Okay, so under and and then here's here's the Way that we can kind of baptize this Under the guise of something like servant leadership.

Okay servant leadership. It's manners should be servant leaders and you're like, yes Amen serve like Jesus. However It easily can fall become if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy which is just another form of abdication.

Okay, it's the it's the old joke in the there's a movie my big fat Greek wedding. Yes, remember this movie Where the wife says well the husband is the head. But the wife is the neck and she can turn the head wherever she wants.

Okay. Okay, she can turn that. Okay that that idea right? He's the head. He's nominally the head. He's officially the head but she's the neck and she can turn him how. What could be by nagging could be by steering his by using her emotions to steer him could be all sorts of ways In order to get what she wants and to steer sort of from the back seat.

And if a husband right can can fall into the trap of going well, you know what they say if mama ain't happy. Ain't nobody happy and that's my Philosophy just give her what she wants under the name of servant leadership.

Okay, but here's the here and this is this is a problem it will frustrate both.

Because.

Because what a wife actually wants is a husband who she can follow. A man who stands up straight who knows what he's about who wakes up in the morning knowing this is what I'm for. This is what God has made me to do.

I'm gonna go take the ground. I'm gonna go do it and she can say I can get in step with that. I want to get in step with that. Okay, but if she tries to wield and he or if he abdicates. She's gonna try to manipulate him into leading.

It's not gonna work. You cannot manipulate a husband into leading. He has to lead because God wants him to lead. Okay, and so so here's one of the big challenges we'll come back in a minute to how do you get there but for husbands.

The call is how do you how do you grow in your ability? To take responsibility for your household without being overwhelmed by say your wife's emotions. How do you develop the fortitude to go? I know that they can be intense sometimes.

That's fine. They can be intense. How can you endure that and say okay, this is my responsibility. I'm not gonna shut down and just hand them past the buck and then when everything goes wrong, which it will say Well, you know she did and he they did and the kids did and I I was just standing here and out popped the calf.

Okay, how do you how do you do it? It's your responsibility. Okay, this is what it means to be the head. It's the job is Yours and a man who cannot stand up to his wife cannot stand up for his wife. Okay, something that Pastor Wilson says all the time a man who can't stand up and standing up doesn't mean being a bully.

It's not that it's just do you have the fortitude to go? I this I this is everything's going wrong, but I am trusting in the Lord. I'm planted on a rock and this is my responsibility and I'm gonna lean in not run away.

I'm gonna press in. I'm gonna have the hard conversation. Oftentimes the this is a reality that servant leadership thing will just give her what she wants is the easy way out. It's actually the easiest thing in the world.

The hard thing would be okay, she's upset about something and I disagree with what she's thinking. So rather than give in I'm actually gonna hold my ground and have a sober-minded clear calm conversation about this that's that looks suspiciously like work and Many men go.

I don't want to do that. So I'll just give in and it frustrates wives and it frustrates husbands and everybody leaves frustrated. Why because of this because of what we just saw in Genesis 1 to 3, okay.

So that that's the mutually feeding spousal aggravation. I Want to come back to the curse on the serpent because this is where the hope comes. Okay. In fact, it's important that the curse on the serpent comes first because it shapes the way that we hear everything else.

Okay, the curse to Adam the curse to Eve first comes the curse of the serpent. Okay, so the serpent is cursed to eat the dust. So when man dies he returns to the dust. So what does that mean? Okay. Well your adversary the devil prowls around like a lion seeking those whom he to devour.

Okay, so this this is the serpent who tempted becomes the Accuser who accuses and the dragon who devours. The serpent who tempted us to sin now becomes the dragon who devours us, okay. In other words human beings are dragon food.

You're gonna return to dust and the serpent eats the dust and. That that was the whole story. There's the tragedy. Okay, but in the midst of judging this sin God mingles mercy. So I want you to see in the curse on the serpent the mercy to man and this shapes how they hear it.

Okay, so number one we see a war. With the serpent I will put enmity between you and the woman and between your seed and her seed. Okay, you say what do you mean mercy? It's like it's mercy that there's a war.

We may be dragon food. But there's a war and we can resist and this war between the seed of the woman and the seed of the serpent. Opens up the possibility for us to choose sides. Which one are you? Right, are you are you a brood of vipers?

So Jesus calls the Pharisees you brood of vipers you seed of the serpent. That's what he's accusing them of. You're up there father the devil or is God your father? Okay, God doesn't abandon us to be dragon food.

He starts a war and the question now is which side are we on seed of the woman brood of vipers? That's mercy. Second you get the skull crusher. So the war is about all of Adam and Eve's descendants, but There will be one of these descendants he.

Right, it's singular there who will crush the serpents head at great cost to himself. Bruised heel. Okay, and now the question becomes well, who is this seed of the woman who will crush the serpent? Where is he?