Enemies Within The Walls: Failing To Reconcile (part 2)

The Roots of Conflict in Sin and Pride

Our Father in heaven Lord, what a blessing it is to be here this morning to just be Surrounded by your people to be here to worship you to learn more about you to Look at your word. See how we ought to interact one another with one another love one another Resolve our differences with one another and father in the process glorify you.

We pray that you would bless this time in Jesus name. Amen. Well, I was thinking about the the history of Conflict this week the history of conflict. It also could be the history of sin. What was the first?

Sin ever. Gary. Eve ate the fruit that is so close. The angels falling from heaven. That's pretty good. Go ahead. Okay, the devil lied that's sort of closer. Satan's rebellion somebody said without raising their hand.

Yes. He's the father of all lies. In other words the progenitor the you know, he's the one. So that was the first one that we have recorded and obviously some angels sinned and and fell with him, right?

What would be the next sin and. By the way, I'm gonna I'm gonna give you a hint. It's not Eve taking the apple. What is it down in God's Word really distorting God's Word? Yeah, but all very true and then the the first Sin not committed by Satan Eve or Adam That we see recorded in Scripture is I'm sorry Cain.

Now Each of these really have it as their roots some kind of conflict I mean we could argue, you know with Satan it was just pride. But what did he do? Scripture says he rebelled. He wanted to overthrow God.

So if that's not conflict, I don't know what is. You say well, how did Eve have conflict? Well, she Distorted God's Word. She listened to Satan then Adam Compliantly followed his wife. You Know what? I really like about Adam though, and you've probably heard me say this a million times.

But what I really love about Adam is he is that not the father of sin. He is the father of Blame shifting. I Love Adam. I mean he is like one of the classic one of the classic Sinners and all of the Bible because you'll hear your kids do this all the time and you'll think where did you learn that?

You know, I'm just a child of my father Adam he taught me how to do this it's the woman you gave me. It's not my fault. And actually what's he saying? It's not even really her fault. It's Your fault God because you gave me this wife.

That's amazing when you think about it Now Getting back to where we were. I I was just you know, that's just a little history lesson. You know just throw that out there, but it does drive this question I wanted to kind of cover why do we have conflicts?

Why is it that two people who believe the same thing can disagree? Okay, because they think higher of themselves than they ought to pride which when we go back to as we were saying earlier You know the original sin the original sin by the way is not the original sin.

I Guess we'd have to have a pre original sin, which is Satan falling. But yeah pride is a big problem. Because we think more of ourselves than we should yeah anything else. The desire to have things we don't want.

I'm gonna take greed. It's probably at the heart pride and greed or probably the heart of almost every sin you can name. And when it comes to crime, I've said this on many occasions you talk to any criminal and if you can get past the veneer of you know, I I'm innocent.

Whatever if you ultimately get down to it. Why did you steal thus and such? Why did you hit so-and-so? It's always because I thought I was better than they were or they had it. I wanted it. I Deserve it.

I took it that's the nature of most sin. So we have conflict for any other thoughts. I mean greed. Pride and really I mean if we want to say We could say pride nicer. We could say a lack of humility. In other words, we didn't consider someone else more Important than ourselves.

But what is that? Ultimately? It just comes back to pride. I thought more of myself than I should Russ. Vengeance is mine saith the Steve. Yeah revenge anger. But again, you know, what is that it is Kind of pride.

Why would I say that? Because if I'm seeking vengeance, I'm not trusting God who says he will avenge things. I'm like, you know, I got this one. This is on me. Okay, what's the best way to Resolve conflict the best way.

What's that if you get into a conflict with Becky. Get yourself dueling pistols because that's where that's where you're going. Ten, you know ten steps here here Becky's on this side. You go one. Two three and you got lead in your back, you know, she goes.

Ah, I said ten, but I meant three. Yeah. Arm wrestling is the best way to resolve conflict. It may not be but it works with unbelievers, I'll tell you that Sometimes might not work, you know for girls, I don't know, okay.

Resolving Conflict by Focusing on the Cross and Communicating Calmly

Okay, yeah, you know what? That is a great answer. Focus on the cross. Why is that a great answer the things of earth all the things that just seem so important and you know, I Let's just go let's just focus on that for a minute because when you think about all the things that we do I mean all the things we've been talking about for all these weeks.

Why do we have arguments? Well, if we if a third party stepped into most arguments and by the way, that's what a police officer does, right? Third party shows up at your door now. You have to have been arguing for a while for the cops to actually show up at your house.

Because somebody had to have taken the time to call then they had to dispatch a unit and you know, who knows I mean The station where I worked at, you know, basically our response time was two to five minutes.

That is world record earth shattering response time. Typically, you know, it's 15 -20 minutes. I'll just tell you a little story. One time my grandmother she lived right on the Inglewood LA border. And she called up and she said this before 9 -1 -1.

I mean, this is like, you know long long time ago. She called up and she said, you know, I hear somebody outside the window. I'm afraid, you know, I'm here alone that police send a unit well, the police called her back an hour later and They said do you still hear him now?

Think about that. That's that's pretty dopey, right? She says I get my grandmother. I don't know where The sarcasm comes from but it might be for my grandmother. She says, oh, don't worry about. I shot him.

They were there in two minutes. She was pretty funny lady, I'll tell you that. Now, where was I forgot? You know, I was gonna say maybe the best way to resolve things think of the cross. Think of things in light.

Oh, yeah, I was talking about third party. Third party walks in on almost any argument that you have in your home. I don't care whether it's with your kids. Whether it's you and your spouse, whatever it is a third party walks into the room and what are they gonna say?

I think nine times out of ten. They're gonna go. What in the world? Are you people arguing about he didn't put the dish soap away? You know. She didn't get the tires checked. What whatever the situation is really?

This is what you guys have been hollering about for 15 minutes 20 minutes however long it took the cops to get there really. Most of the arguments that we have I'm gonna tell you folks most of them are not really, you know.

She used the wrong credit card. Really? There's no other way to resolve this other than to Exchange insults yell at each other stomp around the house. I think there might be I'm gonna get back to where we were, but I just want to say a couple things, you know again I want to stress this.

I Think the best way to resolve Arguments is to not get in them and that goes with thinking about the cross. Also thinking about how we communicate. I've said it before I'll say it again. There's rarely such thing as a one-person argument.

It's rough try it sometime argue by yourself. It gets really it's tiring. If one person's arguing the other person says You know what? I just don't want to argue. I just don't want to go there. You know, it's.

Can we talk about this later and the other person keeps yelling and yelling yelling eventually the person who's not yelling can say I'm not really sure why you're arguing or why you're yelling, but I really don't want to a Lot of the air goes out of the balloon if we learn to communicate calmly.

To think about what we're going to say ahead of time the impact that's going to have on the other person. Now here's a here's a real stunner if we think how we might communicate Biblically in a God honoring glorifying way, I don't know too many arguments that start with.

You know what honey I've been thinking about it in light of the cross in light of the love I need to have for you and show to you and Etc, etc, etc, then, you know, maybe You could consider this not too many arguments start like that how do arguments typically start something like What were you thinking?

How could you. That's how arguments start and you know, I think some of us are kind of surprised. I'll be the officer. I'll show up at your house. You can be the person telling me what happened. Okay, ma 'am.

Why don't you explain to me what happened? Well, I just asked him a simple question. What made him think that this was a good idea and he got upset or? I told her, you know, I didn't ever want to hear her talk again, and she got mad at me.

I Don't understand it. We act like you know to use a military metaphor. We act like we're surprised when we pull the pin throw the grenade in the room and then an explosion goes off. I got news for you folks.

That's what happens. There are consequences to the things that we do and we say. Best way to resolve conflict is to not have it in the first place okay, so. Somebody asked me a question any thoughts or questions about that.

Anybody want to confess? No, please don't. Any any thoughts or comments about that before I move on. Okay, somebody asked a question at the at the end of time last week. And I thought at the end of time, you know when the Lord returned last week, by the way.

Somebody I know, you know, you have to watch your Facebook friends, you know, sometimes I just like no a guy I went to school. Well, I didn't really go to school with I knew him back in LA. He went to school seminary and all that and he posted something about this was in the last 10 days or so about when Ariel Sharon dies.

That means the Lord's returning like and I just said, oh. You know that happened Friday and then we were reading here this morning in Revelation about the two witnesses and I go. You know, what if he's what if he's one of the witnesses and on the third day, you know, wow we can you know, we could be in for a surprise my IBS class might never take place, so We'll see.

Anyway, somebody asked this question does offending someone. Mean that you've sinned against them not always right. Now it could be that. It could be that you've sinned against them. On the other hand what else could be true?

They ever they're having a bad day. You could have offended them with the gospel true. They took it the wrong way. Okay, there's the easiest one. They just disagree with your viewpoint. That's an excellent one.

Or or was that just a statement? I need a drink of water after that. That's really good. It could be a defense mechanism about something deeper that's going on. Yes, they could be upset because you might have as Older people like to say you might have struck a nerve.

I don't know what they say anymore I'm not that cool. I'm kind of old. In fact, I think it was my generation the coin the phrase struck a nerve. You might have struck a nerve why why is that because sometimes there are there are sins that we've committed.

That we've not recognized this since. Somebody says something and it goes what? Pierces us as the Bible would say to the heart and. So all of a sudden, you know, we're mad at that other person why? Because maybe the Lord has used them to rip open an old wound that we were just kind of covering up a Sin that we have never properly dealt with and now we're not very happy.

Well, I can start a few fights at home, too. Well, that's a you know, that's really good.

Sensitivity, Offense, and the Need for Careful Listening

That's something we need to be really careful of Charlie said, you know. We may say something about the sovereignty of God. For example, that's true. But not really considering or maybe not even knowing what impact that statement would have on somebody else because of experiences they've had in their own life and.

So they hear this statement. And it really doesn't matter to them the truth of it. Well, I'll get I'll give you an example a Really kind of a classic example. I think there are any number of people who want to lower the bar of salvation because they have loved ones and They don't want to think about them being in Hell facing the wrath of God.

And so what do they do? They lower that bar so that their loved ones no matter what kind of life they led Are in heaven when you go to funerals today and You know, this is something else that you see on Facebook.

I mean, I I really don't care what the situation is on. By the way on Facebook, you know, you never want to say something like yeah I'm really sorry, you know somebody you knew from high school. I'm really sorry that your loved ones now in hell.

You know that that would not be a good comment to put on Facebook. I might get you unfriended. We we need to we need to be sensitive but we also need to be you know, when we're listening we need to think about.

Not necessarily jumping to offense but this kind of leads into where I wanted to go this morning anyway. Talking about how we Need to resolve conflict when you go to someone and I'm gonna back up just a second here if you're going to go to someone to Talk to talk to them about an issue.

That they these peacemakers can Sandy they offer these things and Carol made a great suggestion, by the way I'll just confess. I forgot about it till last night. Then it was too late to email something out, but Sorry, sorry, please forgive me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said, sorry Forgive me again. And and they they they recommend these steps and I think these are really good ones before you go to talk to somebody about Resolving conflict about something that you feel compelled to talk to them about.

They say that you should pray for humility and wisdom. And this goes back right back to Matthew 7 Verses 2 to 5 for me. Why why would I say that when you want to pray for humility and wisdom? Why would I say that that takes me right back to Matthew 7 verses 2 to 5 Stephen.

So you don't have the log in your own eye. You want to deal with any kind of fault that you may have in the situation and also, you know any similar? I mean imagine what what is the definition of hypocrisy?

What is the definition? I mean, we all should know that since we all do it Charlie. Standing in judgment of the same thing that you yourself do. I do it, but boy when I see it in others. Can't I can't stand it?

So we want to make sure that we're not being hypocritical. You know if you want to talk to somebody if you're a lady and you want to talk to another lady about how they dress. If you're a guy you want to talk to them about you know.

You've noticed that they watch every woman as they walk down the aisle, whatever, you know. Whatever whatever you think it is. Whatever you feel compelled that you need to talk to somebody else about if you do it if it's your language, whatever it is.

And you're doing it too. Well, you need to just confess and then. Well, we'll we'll get on to that but that's number one. Pray for humility and wisdom. Why wisdom. Because you want to make sure that you approach things in the right way and you'd like to.

You'd like to think that the way that you're going to talk to that person will do what? Resolve things. Glorify. God maybe help the other person too. That'd be great. That's you know, win-win-win. That's what you want.

Which leads into the second one they say plan your words carefully. Then they say think of how you would want to be confronted. Plan your words carefully now, you know if you're like me that means you type out a script.

They say this then you say this. Or that might not work. It'd be good though to to at least think about some different scenarios. I Watched a show the other day. I'll confess. I was watching a legal show and you know, this guy said that he had a flowchart for every potential answer, you know out to.

Hundreds of answers or whatever and I just said, okay that that's just silly. You know, you can't can't really do that. But they said and then I think this is helpful think of how you would want to be confronted if I if this was me.

If I was on the receiving end of this, how would I want somebody to come to me and talk to me? You think that's helpful. I think it is because you know if. You know if you can imagine somebody come up to you and saying hey Steve I Like to smack you around with a 2x4 for a while.

Okay. Sure, but sometimes that's how we handle it because sometimes we don't know how to and. So think of how it there's a you know, it's a golden rule right treat others how you want to be treated. The Lord said that you know, I Think it's a very good way to think of things.

Choosing the Right Time, Place, and Tone for Confrontation

Okay, the third step that they recommend. Anticipate likely reactions and plan appropriate responses. Then they say rehearsals can be very helpful. I don't know about that, you know get all up in costume maybe have a I don't know well, it's not be silly, but I think It doesn't take much.

How can how can you anticipate somebody's response? By knowing their personality true what's another way you can know or anticipate past experience. Third way is How would I respond if somebody said this to me?

So sometimes, you know, I Mean if you confront somebody they might say something like or if you just come alongside them. You're trying to resolve this conflict. They might say something like well, that's your opinion and you have to be sort of ready for that and.

And of course there could be some responses that you're not gonna be ready for. There just are. This next one I think is really important. Choose the right time and place. Let me give you a hint in the middle of the sanctuary with a couple hundred people around right after service.

Not might not be the best time to have that kind of chat. Might not be the best way to go. I've already talked about email the dangers of that. Here's here's a really bad one. You know, I'm gonna confront you via Facebook.

I'm gonna challenge your thinking right there. Choose the right time and place. What does that mean if you look at Matthew 18, what does it say go to him in Private so that would be a good one of course, there are Potential exceptions if it's not your wife and support, you know, or your husband person the opposite sex then there might be issues with confronting.

In private that might not be the best but it says choose the right time and place and You know, I mean there there are a lot of things that we would think are common sense but people don't. People don't do them.

You know go to a person's workplace. Interrupt their workday to confront them or something like that. Then they do say this talk in person whenever possible. Why? Okay facial expressions. Yep. Right email is really rough, you know.

And you get the kind of the non-verbals you get the the feedback and whatnot other thoughts. Now I do have to give a warning though about non-verbals and I think we have to be really careful. I remember once I Had a lieutenant call me in his office and We talked for 15 -20 minutes.

I don't I really have no idea what this is about. It was the middle of the night because that's when I was working and He said well, I can tell that even though you're saying that you agree with me. You don't really agree and I said, how can you tell that he goes because you're sitting there with your arms crossed and That's a non-verbal.

You know what? I said, I Said well, actually it's cold in here. And it was cold in there. I said I'm cold. I Got I agree the other percent. I'm just sitting here going like this going. I'm cold. So non-verbals are not.

You know Necessarily the best sometimes they can be helpful though if a person says. You know, I agree and I really appreciate what you're saying and there are tears streaming down their face. Well, that's a non-verbal that might mean something.

You know like There might be more to talk about this next one. I think is important. Let's look at Proverbs 11 27. Proverbs 11 27 and when somebody has that what they read it, please. Okay, I don't really Understand that.

Let me look at let me look at again. I'm just going with their notes and I thought well, this is this has to be a good scripture. Well, not necessarily. Oh I guess it I guess has to do with the diligent part about Diligently looking whoever diligently seeks good seeks favor.

The point they make and I think this is a right one. Is that we should assume the best about the other person until you have facts to prove? Otherwise, see I would have probably gone with and I should I should have looked it up.

I was just making notes all over the place didn't look that one up. You know one person seems right and then you go and get the other side of the story that's another proverb. But I think I think it is important for us to assume the best not jump to the worst possible conclusion.

Why should we not want to jump to the worst possible conclusion? We wouldn't want them to do it to us. What else. I think that's a great point, but what else we can get in trouble we I'll tell you what we'll make the situation worse.

Whatever we thought the problem was well, we just dug it. You know, it's like the old proverb. If you're in a hole stop digging. Well, you just you just you know. You're just busting out that shovel going overtime at it.

Want to assume the best now, there's some reason that you're wanting to talk to them and you know, you may have. Some concerns that may be sin and maybe some conflict you're having with them, whatever it is.

But you want to presume or you want to hope let's put it that way hope the best. I don't want to say assume let's hope the best. We hope all things right because we love other people. That's why we're going to them in the first place.

What's it? Well, let's let's just back up for a second. What's the easiest thing to do when conflict arises. Flow says deal with it right away. That is wrong. Avoid it. So I said the easiest not the best thing.

I Didn't say biblical stop that flow. What's it what's the easiest thing to do is to just forget about it bury it ignore it. Yes, it can be biblical of love covers a multitude of sin, but You know typically what our almost our reflex is to what is to just want to avoid it.

You show me somebody who likes conflict and I'll show you a person who really? That yeah, it doesn't have a lot of friends at all. Sad life if you like conflict. But we want to hope for the best in the other person.

We want to hope for the best possible response. I mean that what are we praying for? Anyway, I mean when we pray we're praying. Yes. We want to have our hearts, right? Yes, we want to make sure that examine ourselves ask the Spirit to.

You know convict us of any sin that we need to confess that we need to deal with before we go and talk to that other person but we also. We don't I've been talking so long. I forgot what I was gonna say.

We don't want to. We want to hope the best. We can't presume the best, but we also don't want to go in Assuming the worst or anything like that. So let me move on. Want to listen carefully? We want to listen carefully.

Why. Why why do we want to when we go and we talk to these to this person we want to listen to their response carefully why. Gary Might learn something. I mean there might be some extenuating circumstances whatever we think the issue is in their life.

There might be something that we're just not aware of. Charlie. Okay, there might be some nuance that you didn't consider you might have presumed in fact I'll go a step further that whatever you presume the conflict is may not even be a conflict.

You may say you know what and they said well. Yeah, that's right of course. You go, but I thought. So you might be wrong about the whole thing. The other thing though is and here's what I would say that.

When you're talking to this other person about whatever the issue is they might Get political on you. They might equivocate. They might use double speak. Somebody might say. Yeah, I can't even say that I was about to quote a former president.

Somebody might say Something in in such a way where you go. Well that sounds like a denial, but is it really a denial? You know I didn't really do that. Well here we go here's a quote I can use this safe.

It depends on what the meaning of the word is is. What People people have. You can pick up all kinds of clues. Just listening to what people say and I'm not talking about. Secondary you know gestures or whatever.

They suggest also we've stressed this many times. Ephesians 429 says that we should edify we should build up with our language speak only to build others up. And I and I think this even goes back to the beginning when we're praying for Humility for wisdom we also want to be asking ourselves a basic question which is Why do I want to do this?

Why do I want to do this is it so that I can? So that I can impress somebody else. What is my motivation my motivation should be for what I should have two motivations really? God's glory, and what's the other one?

What's that the unity of the body. Not really our good. The other person is good right if we're if we're thinking rightly here. Here's my concern going into this conflict resolution. I want to glorify God.

My second is I want to edify this other person. I want to build them up. I want to help them. Everything else is is kind of falls under that. But you know typically here, what do people typically do just from a worldly model.

What do they do when they go into conflict resolution mode? Okay, but if they will I'll tell you what they do here in a second go ahead. Yeah. It's a pecking order thing and all and all you know just put it in the street parlance.

Here's what here's how these go. You disrespected me. I come up to you, and I say you didn't treat me in a way that I deserve to be treated. That's that's the worldly way of thinking about it. Which is the wrong way because it puts yourself up at the top of the food chain.

My concern is my own glory my own Edification you know that's not the way to resolve conflict. They say here, and I think this is good ask for feedback from the other person communication in other words.

You you state the problem. They respond or maybe they don't respond and you you just say and by the way. I don't want to put anybody on the Psychiatrist couch here and say well, how does that make you feel?

But you do want to know. You know what's their response? What are they gonna? Do with what you just said and by the way the wrong way to say. That is what are you gonna? Do about it, but you you need to know that they they received it.

Maybe they'll say you know what I'm gonna have to think about that. I'm gonna have to pray about it. I Understand what you're saying. Okay, well then would you mind just so that I know that we're communicating here.

Would you mind telling me? What it is that you think I said. You know just so that we were clear we both understand here. And then you know I'm willing to give you you know a reasonable amount of time to think about it take 15 20 minutes.

You know it may it may take a few days. Just like it probably took you a day or two or three to kind of prep yourself up to think and to pray. And to and to look at yourself before you did it it might take them a couple days to come to the realization that Either you're right, or you're sort of right or whatever and finally the last one that they list here is recognize your own limitations.

And I say only God can change people. And if I and if I say if I give you second Timothy chapter 2 verses 24 to 26. What does it say? The Lord's bondservant must be gentle and because is the Lord who grants repentance and In even in our interpersonal situations, it's the Lord that has to convict the other person of their their sinfulness of their need to repent.

Here's what I tell people when they're gonna get married. You know here's what's a great temptation well Let me just back up a minute here here's the wrong reason to get married and this isn't about marriage by the way, but here's the wrong reason to get married and Sadly I think a lot of ladies my wife did this.

They see they see somebody who really needs help, and they just they have an overwhelming desire to help them. And so that's why my wife married me. She was like. I think I can really change Steve. And by the grace of God you know she has but the wrong.

The wrong way to go about it is to think I'm gonna. I'm gonna take on a project. You know I'm going to change them. But what I tell young couples when they're or older couples if they're going to get married is I have news for you.

You're the husband or you're the wife and guess what you're not the Holy Spirit. I Think probably even among Christian couples. Maybe one of the bigger arguments They ever have is is started by one person the other decided another going to play in the Holy Spirit and the other person's life I'm going to be you know it's true God uses you to sanctify your spouse, but a lot of times It's through your frailties your weaknesses and your sinfulness.

You know not from your prodding and kicking and whatever I Am going to play the role of Holy Spirit. No you're not. Only God can change someone only God can change somebody's mind if somebody's gonna hold their breath and clench their fists and stamp their feet.

You can't stop that you can pray for them. You know it, but to a certain extent you brow beating somebody. I don't know how many of you have ever had your opinion changed by brow beating. But I'm gonna guess that it's probably not too many.

Let's just see a show of it. No we're not. Brow beating usually doesn't work. You know what does a proverb say about a nagging wife? It's worse than a dripping faucet, or it's it's worse than I'd rather live.

I I just rear it this way. I'd rather live on the corner of the roof of my house. Then you know have a nagging wife. That's kind of the idea. I'd rather be outside under the stars. Risking falling off onto the ground then you know live in the house with my nagging wife.

That would be the the picture. We just need to understand that we are limited we don't know everything and that that's that's an important part. It's so important to have Humility to know that we don't have all the answers.

We don't know everything. We don't know their motivations. We don't know their background we don't know what they're thinking and we cannot change the other person only God can do that and Sadly we're out of time, and I can't change that so we're gonna close in prayer.

And we'll pick this up and hopefully finish this next week. Lord we just thank you and praise you for your word for your spirits. For regeneration for giving us new hearts new desires Lord with the goal ultimately of glorifying you father.

I pray for especially our marriages father I think. Even for those who are married to unbelievers and I pray that you would work In our homes to bring about harmony to bring about greater love that we might glorify you in these areas Father for those of us who have children in our homes.

I pray that we would be Mindful of these things even with them Lord that we cannot browbeat or scream or or Use any sort of physical force and get somebody to change their mind that we need to Bring the right principles to bear that we need to first of all make sure that our hearts our own hearts are right Lord for each one here.

I just pray that we would be consistent in Examining ourselves our own faults our own sins our frailties our weaknesses Lord in every way that we might Honor you as we seek to resolve conflict as we seek to live in harmony with one another and Lord, we would just pray that you would grow us as a church and As individual members of the body of Christ that we might Come to love one another to think the best about each other and to hope the best about each other in Christ's name.

We pray amen.