Biblical Counseling (part 14)

A loving father, we thank you Lord for this Sunday school time as we've been looking at biblical counseling.

We remember that you are our counselor. You have given us your spirit to take your word, the counsel, and to apply it in our lives.

So this morning as we speak, I pray that you would teach us, you would help us, and you would help us to help others.

In Jesus name we pray. Amen. Alright, so today we are going to be looking at the topic of conflict.

Last week we looked at fear, the week before we looked at anger, and we looked at some of the challenges we typically face with these.

And then how we work through applying the scriptures in these circumstances.

And once again, you know, most of you should have a handout by now. If not, I have two handouts by Brian in the sound booth that you can pick up.

And once again, as a way of reminder, we've been talking about this love, know, speak, do.

So if you're counseling someone, begin with love, get involved, provide them inspiration or hope. Know is to take inventory, analyze all the details of that specific problem.

And then interpret it so that you can look at it through the lens of the scriptures. You can't solve a secular problem in a biblical way.

You look at the external manifestations of the problem and find the root biblical causes, and those are the ones you resolve.

Then you speak, you provide instruction, and you induce them or help them to move forward in applying the truths.

And then do, which is the implementation of the counsel as well as the person getting integrated as a whole.

I'm just repeating this every time so that way it kind of just continues to sink into our thinking as we counsel both ourselves, as we go through trials and temptations, and as we kind of counsel one another.

So I don't know in which there is a page in your handout that says approximately 100 go -to texts for biblical counseling attachment three.

So on the very first bullet there is conflict resolution. And I thought

I'll do this now because I initially thought this might be our last week, and it'll be a good topic to wrap up. But I might be filling in a few more because for just logistical reasons.

So we may be able to do a few more topics afterward as well. So let's begin with conflict.

Who does not have conflict here today? You know, right from the

Garden of Eden, you know, from Adam and Eve with the devil, with themselves, with God, all the way to Revelation 20, you know, until Satan, the great conflict is put away.

The scriptures are pretty much filled with conflict. I'm hoping that we'll pick a few examples as we apply to our specific circumstances.

Right after Adam and Eve, you had Cain and Abel, and that didn't end well. And many other conflicts from which we can learn both what to do.

How do we respond to conflict and what not to do? How we ought not to respond to conflict.

So conflict is, you know, if you just look for a definition, it could be something like a disagreement, but that's on an escalated level.

You know, little Susie can have a conflict with little Lucy because Lucy didn't smile at her today. And her little heart is broken and just doesn't want to speak to her ever again.

Or you could have Russia on the borders of Ukraine and threatening to, you know, take over a country.

You know, so you have a wide range of scale in conflict. And some of those conflicts are one time big deals you had to sit down and resolve.

And others, which are actually the more common kind and more troublesome kind, are the ones that linger on.

It's like a deer with a not an arrow in the heart, but an arrow in the foot and just has to keep walking around limping.

And many a time, you know, when we look at interpreting the problem for myself in self -counsel, the biggest aha moment is when

I stop from thinking, OK, you know, this limp is OK to say, oh, there's an arrow in my foot and that better be taken out.

So I have to consciously label, OK, I'm in a trial. This is not normal life and something needs to be done about it.

And once we recognize that, then we can look at the scriptures and say, what does the Bible say? How do I remove this arrow and what do

I need to help it heal? And so with conflict, we looked at anger and fear because both of those are pretty key issues that most of us struggle with.

And in conflict, both of those can raise its ugly head. And conflict becomes a little more challenging than just personal temptations, because this involves two people.

So it may not be just your sin, but it's the sin of another person. And now how do you deal with two people coming together?

While we can look at this through the lens of someone coming alongside to help two people in conflict resolve it, today

I'm going to go through it just from, OK, how do you deal with conflicts that you are in? So what we will do now is we'll take a few examples.

And so I'm hoping that we can take a bunch of different examples of conflict, whatever the scale might be, and then go through three steps.

Firstly, identify what is the biblical root of the problem.

In this particular circumstance, within the time frame we have, what is the root of the problem? What does the Bible say about it?

And then what is the biblical instruction to deal with this conflict? Having identified and understood the root, what does the

Bible say about solving this problem? And then how do we go about practically resolving this?

In some cases, it may be a very one -step problem, just do it. In other cases, it may involve more. So those three steps are what

I want to walk us through, a handful of examples with conflict. So I'm not asking you to bare your soul and talk about things that you're uncomfortable with, but if you can maybe just shout out a couple of examples, and then we'll walk them through.

And my goal here is, again, not just to solve this specific problem, but for us to get that idea of how do we look at a situation and biblically apply the principles that God has given us to solve these things and glorify

God. All right. So any examples of conflict?

Excellent. You know, this is a good one for us to get started. So let's just say that some people are always creating a conflict.

So let's do the first step here, without too much more detail. What might be the root of such a situation where there's maybe a few people that want to create conflict?

I want to be careful I don't give away the answer with other words. So what might the scripture say about people like that?

If you know a reference, you can say it, or if not, excellent. So the very first question to ask is if their hearts are unregenerate, then they will act as unregenerate.

People do. And so part of bringing peace, in fact, on all of those three things, you know, anger, fear, and especially in conflict, part of what

I'm going to drive toward is peace, the shalom, the wholesomeness that God gives us in and through these conflicts.

So if they are unbelievers, then we want to begin with peace with God.

They're going to have conflicts here, but they have a greater conflict they have to resolve first. And so that can become an occasion through which we can talk about the most important conflict they need to resolve.

And then they have the spirit of God that can enable them to grow in dealing with conflict. So let's put that aside, the unbelievers.

And then, Cindy, you were saying, excellent. So one of the, almost in all conflicts, is when

I am selfish or I'm prideful or I'm exalting myself, and I treat the other person as not important or as important as myself, those are the times where I tend to bring division or disruption or disagreements that take the fore, and then that causes problems.

Bitterness is a key part. I was going to bring that up. But as you're looking and examining the root causes, in this particular case,

I don't know this person and will not dive deeper into this, but let's hypothetically look at some of those.

One of those could be self -exaltation and having a poor view of the other person. Bitterness normally comes when you don't deal with conflict the right way.

So if you have a problem with someone, and you brought the example of divorced people, so obviously they have had conflict in their marriage, but they didn't resolve it, they didn't work through it.

And then that conflict, because it's unresolved, tends to produce that root of bitterness.

And then that becomes a characteristic of you, especially when you're looking at that specific person who has injured you, or you think they've injured you.

And that's one of the reasons why the Bible says, be angry and do not sin.

Don't let the sun go down on your anger. And when you have a conflict, maybe

I'll take a pause. There are a few wrong ways to deal with conflict. One is go and punch the other person.

Don't do that. It might get your anger out, but you'll be committing more sin, which means aggressively going and tearing down the other person.

That's not the right way to deal with conflict. On the other side of the conflict is you just kind of say, all right, seal that door, don't open that thing.

It's there if I open it, you know, Pandora's box. And all you're doing is letting bitterness foment because that issue hasn't been dealt with.

So we've seen two things so far, one of which is how you think of yourself and the other person, and the other one is your heart may be embittered and the root of bitterness may have started growing in your heart, and you have to deal with that before you can deal with the other person.

What other scriptures can we think of when we think of conflict?

Does anybody remember that verse? As far as it is possible, live at peace. I know it's Paul's. That's awesome.

Thank you. Romans 12, 18, as far as is possible, and this is one of the instructions, especially as you're living in a world that is corrupt and fallen and authority structures that could be broken, your responsibility is to live at peace as far as possible.

And there will be times where you have to take a stand. We'll talk about that in a moment. But there is an injunction for us to live at peace as much as possible.

All right. Anything else? So let's assume one of these is part of the problem that this person faces or this group of people are facing.

And so here you are as a believer. Well, you know what? Let's just apply it to ourselves. So let's assume

I'm one of the people who is having conflicts with people all the time. I see this.

Oh, this is wrong. That's wrong. This is wrong. And I just need to keep saying all these things to everybody else and causing fomenting spirit of strife.

So now let's look at how do we now work through this particular state of my soul?

You know, whether it's an embittered soul or it is a soul that just thinks I'm better than everybody else.

How do I now biblically think to know? How do

I start thinking biblically? What do I need to do in terms of, okay,

I should have written the question down. What's the next step? Ask the person who's bit.

Yeah, in either of those cases. We'll take each one and then work them out. So let's just take someone who thinks he is more, he's better than the other person, who doesn't think of the other person as important as himself.

So that's who I am. I tend to think of other people as, you know, they're the ones making all the mistakes and I'm fine.

So the moment you recognize that you are not just this holy person and other persons are the only ones who are sending here.

The first thing is to recognize this and repent. So some 51 is a great place to come and say, Lord, I thought

I was all fine in this conflict. And I will confess I've done this many times, but I thought, you know,

I was justified in my situation in this particular conflict. And then the Lord just has his unique way because of the spirit of God who indwells us to come and say, all right, can you remember what the conflict is about?

It's like the whole Romeo, Juliet thing. You know, their families are estranged and nobody knows why. And it's at some point this conflicts become so entrenched that you need to examine yourself and say,

OK, what did this person actually do? And has my response to this person been even more sinful or just plain sinful that I need to first repent of myself?

So you begin with repentance. That's excellent. And that's true for pretty much every area where we are trying to grow in grace.

We want to confess our sins and then look for help to grow. What else would we do?

Right. So in this particular case, we'll just assume it is, you know, that this person is exalting himself.

Like it'd be like that old person, like you said. And we may have a little more color in terms of, OK, what are the circumstances in which you are exalting yourself?

And then help them to think through that in a biblical manner. It's like, OK, you know, you mean well in wanting to help everybody grow in holiness.

But how you're executing that is rather poor. If all you could say is fail 60 percent, 70 percent and you're having a judgmental spirit.

You know, although that's not what you thought you were doing. You think you were helping the body, you know, look like the bride of Christ. But you ended up really destroying souls in the process.

So so whatever that is, you want to be able to help that person work through that.

Look at that through the lens of the scriptures. And let me maybe give a clue here.

Remember when we started the whole eight steps, we talked about how the gospel is fundamental to biblical counseling.

So the repent and confess is a key part of the gospel. You know, when I'm trying to work through something,

I always need to remember that it is by grace that I am a child of God, whatever

I am. And I want to remember what God has given me and not be prideful or boastful.

But wherever I've sinned, I need to continue to repent, confess and repent and confess my sin.

But we always want to go back to Christ. Christ is our model. You know, he's the one who has granted us this position.

And if this conflict is with other believers, we want to remind them that this is another brother or sister that is living by grace.

They are not living by works that, you know, you want to just judge them and tear them down. And even if it is an unbeliever.

So if it's two, if it's a believer having a conflict with an unbeliever, this is a person who's made in the image of God.

And I want to make sure that I respect and love this person for God is patient with this person and hasn't destroyed them or judged them right away.

And I need to have that same part of the gospel. This is the love of Christ that has brought me into the kingdom.

And I need to interact with that same kind of love with everybody else in the kingdom. And so that helps a lot in looking at conflict, because very often

James four or five, you know, I tend to kind of put myself as the judge.

I forget that, you know, I'm not living under the law. You know,

I haven't come here because I've done everything right or after I've become saved, I've become that perfect Christian.

I'm living by grace. God is gracious to me and I need to be gracious to others as well. So so keep the gospel at the center, you know, for counseling for yourself.

Going back to the cross is a is a necessary way before we start thinking,

OK, how does that now apply in the circumstance? So let's go back to what you said, Charlie. So let's just take that.

This is a person who means well, but does poorly. So let's now come to the working through.

So this person has a pattern of doing this for many years now. And so now we want to help this person.

And let's just put it for myself. I have been doing this for a long time. And now, where do I begin in?

Not doing this anymore. Excellent. That's awesome. So, you know, in this particular case, you know, it could manifest in a lot of ways.

It could be slander talking about this person to somebody else or, you know, just exhibiting anger, whatever that particular form of sinful expression of this person's view is that raises the conflict.

You put a name to that. If it is anger, you know, listed as anger. And then we've been looking at that whole putting on and putting off.

So, you know, look at those texts. That would be helpful to say, OK, here is my sin in response to what

I think is a perceived sin in the life of the other person. And I'm going to write that down and I'm going to put something else in.

So instead of I don't know if it's foul speech or it is harboring thoughts of malice, whatever it is that leads up to this particular exhibition of my sin,

I now say put on tenderness, put on love, put on kindness. You know, here is the way in which

I can minister to this person in a way that's genuinely helpful. So the putting on and putting off is crucial.

We saw that from Ephesians four and five. You know, there's a whole list of such attributes here.

And as we do this, we remember that, you know, I need the help from the spirit of God to be transformed.

So I know what the word says. Lord, help me. Because if I have been doing this for 15 years,

I need a lot of help from the spirit to just start to think differently, get into that habit of thinking differently and of responding differently.

And so I hope all of you heard that.

You get so fixated on what, you know, these things instead of, you know, the kingdom work that awaits that is languishing because all

I have done is focused on this person. I'm the schoolmaster for this person.

Thank you. All excellent scriptures, in fact, in. Was in the conflict resolution versus number three talks about that, you know, taking out the log from your eye as you look for the speck in your brother's eyes.

And I think that what you just described is, I think, at the heart of conflict, you know, what what does it mean?

I have been loved greatly and I want to love my neighbor as myself. And and so the the working out is where it's going to take some time.

And we want to be careful to remember that we need the word to wash us. So there's plenty of scriptures that you want to let soak in.

It's going to take some time as I'm tempted. OK, you know, next time I see this person doing X, my gut reaction is going to be to do

Y. And now I want to say, stop doing that. You know, next time I see

X, I stop and I'm going to pray, you know, I'm not going to let my thought wander off. Why did this person do

X? Oh, I know it was because of Z. You know, it's very easy to start imputing thoughts and motives.

And instead, I want to I want the best for this particular person. So I'm going to stop. Pray, Lord, please help this person or, you know, help me not to get all worked up about this situation and then to respond in this sinful way, whether I'm using certain words or doing certain actions that are ungodly.

I want to put them off and then remember those verses that are helpful, especially First Corinthians 13. And I think we had those cards.

I can find them here. Yeah. So we had the prayer card and the hope card, you know, in terms of just writing down the scriptures.

So if I am struggling with this for a long time, write those scriptures down and then take them and look at them.

Pray with them, ask God for help and then act according to the putting on parts, which is the putting on of love.

Amen. I forget one of you said I think it was you, Jonathan.

You know, sometimes I need somebody to come alongside and tell me even because I don't recognize this pattern.

And then when and that's part of the biblical counseling in from Galatians 6, 1 and 2, where you come alongside somebody else is if someone is struggling and needing help to grow out of this pattern of being judgmental, then having a friend, a counselor who is with them, praying with them, checking in with them as they're growing in grace and then enabling them.

Well, the spirit enables, but you are there to pray, minister and let them know that and give them counsel where they need it.

All right. So we just did a general example of conflict. So let's maybe take a few more specific examples.

In fact, in the last page of your hundred go to text is on family.

So there's a bunch of things with regards to marriage, husband, wife, sex, child training and divorce.

There's a lot of issues there and conflict that come up in that situation could be conflict at work. It could be conflict in the in the body.

Let's maybe take a couple more. What we think are issues that we commonly face and then see if we can identify the root cause.

What are some of the scriptures and then how do you go about implementing it? What other conflicts are troublesome?

Actually, no. Hold on. I forgot to mention something else. Not all conflict is wrong.

So, you know, when we talked about anger, we talked about all of the problems with anger and what we should avoid.

But there is a place for anger and how it must be dealt with. We talked about fear and all of the issues with fear and what we shouldn't be doing, how we want to overcome fear.

But we also saw that there is an important fear that we should not lose sight of, which is fear of the

Lord. And we want to make sure that we have a right view of God as we look at all the other fear causing situations.

And similarly with conflict, you know, the example that we use, for example, is excellent, where, you know, you ought not to be a person who is generating conflict for the sake of conflict.

But there are places where conflicts must arise. So one of them is in the in the

Bible where we have Paul exhorting this church where when conflicts arise, the differences in doctrine come to play.

So sometimes there are divisions in the church which are ungodly. You know,

Paul, Apollos, those are the wrong kinds of conflicts to have, causing pacts and divisions over people.

But if there are key doctrinal differences in the body, it is good to have those those disagreements come to the fore and to be resolved properly.

And so we'll apply this for other situations, but I'll just use this as an example. So here, if let's just say, you know,

I want to use a terrible example, but I don't want to use that on me.

But OK, let's just do that. OK, hypothetical, hypothetical. Thank you.

So if I were to come and say, OK, you know, Jesus, you know, he is he is he is the perfect man.

But, you know, you and I, you know, we can live that same kind of perfect life today because, you know,

God has now come and given us the spirit to work in us. You know, just some kind of a heresy about human ability to achieve perfection on the side of eternity.

Then if I was doing that, let's say there's a group of people who are influenced by it and nobody deals with it.

You know, Pastor Mike doesn't come to me and say, hey, what are you doing? He's like, OK, I don't want to have a conflict. You just do your own thing.

No, that's terrible. I mean, that here is error that can actually destroy me and many other people.

And you want to have those conflicts come up. And so the verse in in the bullet,

I think, is number five church discipline, Matthew 18. You want to deal with those things. Here is a problem that's destructive to me, destructive to others.

So you want to have that conversation in love, wanting for me to change. And if I have half the sense that I normally have, be like,

OK, here's the scripture that tells, you know, that perfection, you know, when we see him in eternity, that's when we will be perfect, not on this side.

And first John one talks about this state in which we are. We will continue to sin.

We need to confess our sin and find forgiveness on on this side of eternity. And so if I repent, great, that conflict reads the the the issue that was met is resolved properly.

But if I don't, if I continue to persist in my sin, then go to step two, step three and kick me out.

That's an act of love toward me in that conflict to wake me up from my own destruction.

And it's just to be nice is not the goal of avoiding conflict.

We want to make sure that this we do what is loving and best for this other person.

And so you come and see if I'm just misunderstanding something or if I'm actually a heretic promoting false doctrine and kicking me out.

Paul talks about how that is, if I am a believer, that is instrumental in bring in bringing discipline as well as restoration down the road.

God willing. So so there is a place for that kind of escalation and conflict to be, and we'll see that in other situations, too.

So let's take one more example. Let's think of a conflict situation.

That we can work through the root cause, the biblical solution and then the practical ways of working through it.

What other example do we have? Maybe something a little more specific. Let me go with and then we'll pick you as Gary.

So someone says they're going to say do something and they don't do it. Let's take yours, too. What were you going to say? OK, let's pick yours.

That's easy. And you had to remember, you're talking to an

Indian family is like everywhere. It was an Italian.

But but I had to go grow through that. So maybe we'll come to it. So let's talk about this in particular. So someone says they're going to do something and they don't do it.

So let's just kind of walk through the scenario. So let's say it happened the first time. What do we do about it?

You don't. Anybody can answer. Yeah. Yeah. So if it happens once or twice, you know, there's always mitigating circumstances for those things.

And you want to be gracious in the way in which we deal with our brothers and sisters. It's not, you know.

And that's the right way to do it. So we we work with that. And so now let's say that this now has become a pattern.

So this person keeps telling you, you know, hey, women's breakfast, I'm going to do this for you.

The 10th time in a row, they're not there. And so the next time the this time and they haven't done it, what would be our best way to deal with this?

Actually, how does this become a conflict? So let's let's maybe pick that up. How does a situation like this become a conflict?

OK, so there are two things here. And we look at both on the one side, the person who gives the word and doesn't do it.

Right. So there is something flawed in the way in which they are living out their Christian life, assuming they're a

Christian. And so we need to work through that and understand how do you help this person walk in a godly way?

So that's one part of it. And the other part of it is the person who has been offended, you know, and maybe multiple occasions.

How do they respond in a godly way in helping this person? So let's just assume this is a situation where person

A has has this pattern of not keeping their word. And person B has gotten the short end of the stick on multiple occasions.

And how does this person preserve their own. Relationship with the

Lord and with this brother or sister and then help this person grow in godliness. So I think that would be a good way of framing this question.

So let's talk about the first one, the person who doesn't keep their word. So this would be a very straightforward biblical counseling situation.

So it's not a conflict situation. It's just this person having to deal with their sin. So what what what would we what scriptures would we say deal with this and how do we now work through it?

I love it. Cindy, you just keep telling everything that keeps popping into your mind. You've got the scriptures in your head.

And honestly, that's how counseling is. As you're talking with people, you know, the more you know the scriptures, the more of those scriptures will come into your head as you're looking at the situation and then trying to connect what the root cause of this of this person's issue is and what scriptures deal with it.

You give two very good scriptures, one of which is let your yes be yes. It doesn't have to be.

I swear to God, I will be there at 6 a .m. in order for it to be real. If you say I'm going to be there at 6 a .m.,

that's just as good as you said it before God almighty, because he is observing everything you say. So your words have meaning.

And so if you say something, mean it or else don't say it. So that's the first one. And the second one is, if you said something and you didn't do it, that's a lie.

So you you basically have lied about a future event that you either didn't intend to do, because if it's a pattern, that's how you think, then you need to be careful not to commit to things that you don't have an intention to keep.

Now, let's go one more step deeper and then we'll come to the next person. What might be the motivation of a person who does this?

Someone who keeps telling everybody, I'll do this. I won't. I'll take care of this and doesn't do it. Why might somebody do that?

OK, go ahead. You already said it. You want to look good in front of people.

I have not seen that. I suffer from this malady. If I say something,

I feel like, you know, I take it to the nth degree, you know, and do it. And I won't go and ask the other person, please don't.

Can I be excused from this this time? And and, you know, there are some things you should work hard to make happen.

Don't be lazy about what you said your word to. And and on the other hand, if you can't do it, just let them know.

Not three hours before their flight, but let them know ahead of time. OK, you know, something critical has come up and we needed to change plans.

Either you find somebody else to help them or make sure that you what what needs to be done, the right thing gets done.

So, you know, that we just get. Yes, that's excellent. I think it connects with some of this thing of being disciplined about doing things here.

So actually, that's a good time to the the person who is now offended and in a conflict with this person.

How do you now work with this person or treat this person who has failed you multiple times?

And so if if it was truly a case of forgetfulness, this person is like committing to a thousand things, executes 200 of them.

And the other 800 didn't even remember that they had committed it because they're like doing all this all the time.

Then the right thing, the best thing to do would be to come along, come to this person, say, hey, you know, you said this and you didn't do it.

And and that's really the first step of Matthew 18. And like I said, Matthew, first step is what should cover a multitude of these types of initial conflicts and have them resolved.

The first one is a good example. I think that's a very clear black and white thing, whether at work or even in church.

So if I'm committed to doing something, let's say, Charlie, you're going to be playing leading the worship.

And you decide today I forgot. And that would be, you know, that wouldn't be right.

So whatever responsibilities we have signed up for in a somewhat official semi official capacity, we want to take them seriously.

And if when that fails, then, you know, we have a conversation to try to say, hey, you know, let's make sure this doesn't happen again.

And but on the other side, and I think that we want to be a little more careful how we deal with that.

I see what you're saying. And maybe we'll stop with this. I know I'm out of time here. It is wise not to keep counting on someone who clearly has a pattern of not being accountable on.

That's not the right word, you know. So, hey, you're setting yourself up for failure. And you're not going to help this person by putting one more thing where they're going to fail.

And do you want to say something? Yeah. So, you know that this will be unwise for you to do going forward, because doing that is just what

Charlie said. Now, that said, I think we also want to be, especially if the pattern has been established.

We know this person is not just with me, but with other people doing the same thing. Then just out of love for this person, it's not really well, depending on what their circumstances are, because it could be something as severe as lying by the types of patterns they have.

Or it could be just, you know, undisciplined and just failing on smaller, low -level things that they don't execute on.

And so out of love for this brother, it would be probably still good to have that conversation with them, depending on where that particular conflict is.

Because on the one hand, I don't want to have that label of procrastinator or slothful person on this person's head every time

I see them. I want to be able to see them as a brother or a sister in Christ. I want to use wisdom in how

I interact with them. But if there is an area where they can grow, I want to be helpful in the way that I love them and show them.

And I think it's exactly right. So there's a formal thing, and then there is this casual thing.

And don't escalate something that is trivial to something that it should not be.

All right, let's wrap up. Any other final thoughts? We'll pick this up next time. All right, let's pray.

Our loving Father, we thank you that you solve the conflict between us unconditionally.

Help us, oh Father, as we, in the flesh, exalt ourselves when we fail others, when we tend to get bitter with other people for their failures.

Help us to look to Christ and the grace we have received and to extend that same grace to others and to do that in a way that's loving and with a desire to see them grow in Christ.