The Twin Pillars of a Godly Marriage - “The Role of a Husband” (Part 3)

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The Twin Pillars of a Godly Marriage - “The Role of a Husband” (Part 4)

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Good morning. Morning, morning, morning. Here we are.

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What a great crowd. I know you didn't show up to hear me. I know you showed up for choir rehearsal, but I'll take it.

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I'll take it. Open your

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Bibles up to the fifth chapter of Ephesians, Ephesians chapter five, Ephesians chapter five.

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And let's begin with a word of prayer. Well, our

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Father, we come again to you this morning with eagerness in our hearts to hear from you through your

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Word. May your Spirit do His good work in us this morning. Father, help us to be attentive.

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Help us to apply what we hear. Pray for fidelity with your

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Word that that what I speak would be true and only true of you, and that you would use it for each of us to further conform us to the image of Christ in whose name we pray.

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Amen. Right. So fifth chapter of Ephesians.

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And well, let's just begin the reading of verse 15. It's been a while since we've read that. Paul writes, therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time because the days are evil.

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So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

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Do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled by the

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Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the

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Lord, always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the

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Father, and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the

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Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the

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Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

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Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy, blameless.

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So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church because we are members of his body.

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For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

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This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

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Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

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Well, as you remember, no doubt, according to verse 18, both husbands and wives are called by God to live a new way of life together, a new way that has been and is being transformed by the indwelling spirit of Christ within us.

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That is the command that oversees this whole chapter. And while the command for the wife to submit and respect her husband is not conditioned upon her husband's sacrificial love for her, because he is the leader, change still must begin with him.

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Change in the marriage must begin with him. Now, it's no secret.

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It is no secret that women buy and read way more books than men do.

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There's no secret with that. And it is also no secret that over the last 25 years that the

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Christian publishing companies have produced a plethora of books on marriage. There's new ones coming out all the time.

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And if you put together those two realities that women read far more often than men do, and that Christian publications or publishers produce a ton of books on marriage, it's obvious, therefore, that the majority of these books are being read by women, by wives.

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But no matter how many books they read, no matter how many

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Bible studies they attend, the most reliable predictor of the state of a woman's marriage is her husband's engagement and pursuit of his role as the leader in his home.

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That will be the most reliable predictor of the state of her marriage. That's why, by the way, that management of the home, which begins with the husband -wife relationship, is a non -negotiable qualification for spiritual leadership among God's people.

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First Timothy chapter 3, verses 3 and 4 and 12 speak to the elders and the deacons being ones who manage their homes well.

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It's a requirement. It's a requirement. So as we have been looking here at the characteristics of a husband's authority, we've said there are 14 of them that we want to look at together, 14 characteristics of a husband's authority, so that we might understand and appreciate and exercise in a

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Christ -honoring fashion this authority in our homes and our marriages. We begin a couple of weeks ago with the first characteristic, which was that a husband's authority is unavoidable, that the husband's authority is unavoidable.

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We find that in verse 23 here, where we read, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body.

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A husband's authority is unavoidable because his headship is unavoidable, because his headship is unavoidable.

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Secondly, we noted, and this was last week, that a husband's authority is covenantal. The husband's authority is covenantal.

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In other words, a particular man assumes the responsibility of leadership authority over a particular woman when he and she exchange vows, when they exchange vows, and they pledge their love and their loyalty to one another and declare their respective responsibilities in that marriage.

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At that point in time, he becomes covenantally responsible for that marriage.

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That was last week. Third, new material this week.

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Third, a husband's authority is reflective. Third, a husband's authority is reflective.

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It is unavoidable, it is covenantal, it is reflective. We see it here in verses 23 and 25, where Paul writes, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body.

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Verse 25, husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.

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He noticed the, as Christ also, and just as Christ also, the comparisons.

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Now, we have established, I think, over the last couple of weeks, that the husband has been designated by God to hold as a stewardship a considerable authority over his wife and his home.

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And what I want to begin to do with you this morning is look at how the New Testament would have him exercise that authority.

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So a husband, as a stewardship before God, holds considerable authority over his wife and his home.

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But how would the New Testament have him exercise that authority?

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Here's the big idea. Men, how we understand and exercise our inherent authority is to be a reflection on how

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Christ exerts his. That's the big idea. How we understand and how we exert our inherent authority is to be a reflection of how

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Christ exerts his, right, just as Christ also.

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So how does Christ exert his authority over his church? What characterizes the authority of Christ over his church?

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How would we describe it? How would we speak of it? Well, here's a few ideas for you.

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Christ is not harsh with his church. He is not harsh with his church.

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Christ is never impatient with his church. He's not impatient with his people.

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He does not use his authority for his own benefit at the expense of the church.

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Christ is approachable, long -suffering, kind, gracious, merciful.

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Christ provides for his bride all that she needs, not all that she wants, but all that she needs.

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Christ seeks the best for his bride, and his love for her is not performance -based.

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His love for his church is not performance -based. So as we begin to unpack these expressions, gentlemen, of how

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Christ exerts his authority over his bride, it's obvious to all except the most spiritually dull that as husbands we fall woefully short.

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We fall woefully short. And that can be overwhelming as a man.

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That can be overwhelming. It can lead to a mentality of defeat as husbands.

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When we think about these things in that short list of how Christ loves his church, we measure ourselves up, and we go, it can be overwhelming.

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It can be self -defeating. And we don't need more law. That's not the answer.

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The answer is not to pile a weight on but it is to seek the path of escape, to seek the path of escape.

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So as we're getting started here, let's briefly review the process of biblical change, okay?

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Gentlemen, I'm going to assume that you want to change. You want to change.

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You want to love your wife as Christ loves his church. I'm going to start with that assumption.

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But you recognize you do fall short a lot in many ways, and you want to change.

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So let's just talk about that a little bit. The process of biblical change.

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It begins by recognizing and admitting that there is a problem, okay?

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Let's look at some scriptures as we do this. Go with me to Proverbs 29. The process of biblical change.

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It begins by recognizing and admitting that there is a problem. It's written for us there in chapter 29 in verse 1, that a man who hardens his neck after much reproof will suddenly be broken beyond remedy.

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It begins by recognizing, hey, you know what? I'm falling short here. I am falling short.

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Because if the failure to acknowledge this, gentlemen, will lead to your destruction. It will lead to your destruction.

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So recognize and admit there's a problem. Ask God for help. Ask God for help.

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I'm reminded of Luke chapter 18. Ask God for help.

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Luke 18 verse 13. The Pharisee and the publican, the tax collector, right?

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And verse 18. The tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying,

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God, be merciful to me, the sinner. God, be merciful to me, the sinner.

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Ask God for help. Ask him for help. Identify and analyze the motives behind our actions or our inactions.

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Analyze our motives. Why do we do this or not do this that we know we should?

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And seek the counsel of a wise and godly brother to help you in these things.

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Proverbs 27 and verse 17. Proverbs 27 and verse 17.

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Iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens another. Ask for help.

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Ask for help. Repent of our ungodly motives and behaviors.

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When we've identified them and perhaps with the help of a godly and mature brother, then we need to repent of them.

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Paul's words to the Corinthian assembly in 2 Corinthians chapter 7 verses 8 and following.

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Well, Paul writes, For though I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it, though I did regret it.

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For I see that that letter caused you sorrow, though only for a while. But now I rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance.

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For you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us.

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For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation.

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But the sorrow of the world produces death, produces death. A godly sorrow, gentlemen, a godly repentance brings life to us.

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It brings us life. And then we confess. We confess all of these things have occurred privately or semi -privately.

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Now it's time to confess. It's time to sit down with our wives and our children and confess our sin and our shortcoming and ask their forgiveness.

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Ask them to forgive us where we have failed. James chapter 4 verse 6.

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He gives a greater grace. Therefore he said, God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

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He's actively, that's the it's the verb, he's actively opposed to the proud, but he gives grace to the humble.

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God will give you grace as you confess to your wife, to your children, where you have failed them, where you have failed them.

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You confess it. And then you replace those sinful behaviors with godly ones.

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A replacement theology, as it were. The only one I'm interested in, by the way.

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Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 22 and following replace the sinful behaviors with godly ones.

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In reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self which is being corrupted in accordance with the lust of deceit and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new self which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

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We put off and we put on. We put off the sinful behaviors, we put on a righteous behavior to replace it.

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This is the process of change. It's the process, by the way, change no matter what it is. But here, with regard to husbands and wives, this is still the same process.

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Spend time with Christ through the scriptures. The process of change requires you to spend a considerable amount of time with Christ in the scriptures.

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Just as Moses' face was changed by being in the presence of God, so we will be changed by being in the presence of Christ.

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Second Corinthians chapter 3. Second Corinthians chapter 3 and beginning in verse 12.

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Paul writes, therefore having such a hope we use great boldness in our speech and are not like Moses who used to put a veil over his face so that the sons of Israel would not look intently at the end of what was fading away.

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But their minds were hardened for until this very day at the reading of the old covenant the same veil remains unlifted because it is removed in Christ.

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But to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their heart. But whenever a person turns to the

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Lord the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the

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Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. But we all with unveiled face beholding as in a mirror the glory of the

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Lord are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory just as from the

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Lord who is the Spirit. We spend time in the presence of Christ in his word and it will transform us.

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Moses spending time in the presence of Yahweh actually showed up on his face right?

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It's shown. Well it will show up on your face too. It won't shine in exactly the same way that Moses did but it will show up and your wife will notice.

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It lists prayer support from others in your battle. Enlist the prayer support of others.

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James chapter 5 verse 16. James 5 verse 16.

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Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

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Enlist the prayer support of others gentlemen. Engage in Christian worship and fellowship.

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Do not withdraw from the fellowship. Push into the fellowship. Push into the fellowship.

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Philippians chapter 4 verses 8 and 9. Finally brethren whatever is true whatever is honorable whatever is right whatever is pure whatever is lovely whatever is of good repute if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise dwell on these things.

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The things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me practice these things and the God of peace will be with you as you lean into the fellowship you will be surrounded by the truth of God.

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And then finally actively actively seek to serve others. Actively seek to serve others.

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Mark 10 verse 45. For even the son of man did not come to be served but to serve and give his life a ransom for many.

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This is the biblical process of change gentlemen. It is the process.

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A husband's authority is reflective of Christ. Fourth fourth a husband's authority is primary.

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A husband's authority is primary. Ephesians chapter 5 verse 31.

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For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

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Now again last week we talked about the covenantal nature of marriage and the role of the man in initiating that covenant.

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In other words he makes the vow first. He vows first she responds with her vow to his.

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We recognize that one of the implications of that in this covenantal arrangement is that the husband is ultimately responsible for the state of his marriage.

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He initiates the covenant. He is responsible for the state of the covenant. He is the covenant maker.

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He's the one called by God to initiate the relationship. The wife is called by God to respond to his initiation.

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That makes his role primary. That makes his role primary in the relationship. In other words there would be no marriage if the man did not initiate.

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That's just manifestly obvious. There'd be no marriage if the man did not initiate. We see the reality illustrated in the process of conception and childbearing.

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The man gives and the woman receives. The woman then gives back through the birth of the child.

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The man gives, the woman receives, and then the woman gives back through the birth of the child.

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That's initiation and response. Paul sees it that way. 1

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Corinthians 11. 1 Corinthians 11 verses 11 and 12.

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He writes, however in the Lord neither is woman independent of man nor is man independent of woman for as the woman originates from the man so also the man has his birth through the woman and all things originate from God.

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The man initiates, the woman responds, and then gives back through the birth of a child.

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This demonstrates a partnership, a partnership in which there is an equality of their humanity.

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In other words they're both necessary and they're equally necessary. There is an equality in the humanity of a husband and a wife.

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They are both needed in order to be fruitful and multiply. But there is an inequality in their roles.

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So there's an equality in their humanity and an inequality in their roles. And yet through the marriage covenant they become one flesh and thus share a common outcome.

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They become one flesh and thus share a common outcome. So we can say that the husband's authority and leadership in the marriage is primary.

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Now saying that it's primary does not mean that the wife has no authority. It doesn't mean that.

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It doesn't mean she's unnecessary to the relationship. So priority doesn't mean that she has no authority.

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It doesn't mean she's unnecessary. What it does mean is that in the final analysis the husband is responsible for the direction of his home.

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That's what primary authority means. So men in your marriage you are primary.

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You're primary. But don't become smug in such a lofty position.

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Do not become smug. Consider the weightiness of it all.

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Consider the weightiness of what you have been called to do. Remember the words of Jesus in Luke chapter 12 and verse 48 where he said, everyone to whom much is given of him much will be required.

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And from him to whom they entrusted much they will demand the more.

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You have been entrusted with a lot. You have been entrusted with the primary authority and responsibility in your marriage and your home.

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And therefore there is a very high accountability that goes with it. A very high accountability.

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Most assuredly, gentlemen, we will give an accounting before the Lord someday for the state of our marriage and how we conducted ourselves in it.

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We will give an accounting. Time for an illustration.

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Let's lighten up a little. Come up for some air. Time for an illustration. Let's take a look at an illustration of how the primary nature of the husband's authority works itself out in marriage, in the process of decision -making.

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Okay? Because that's kind of where the rubber meets the road, right? I mean, most women are happy to say, yeah, my, you know, my husband has authority and I submit to my husband until I don't like his decision.

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It's easy to submit as long as I agree with all the decisions. All right.

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So let's take a look at that. How do we make a decision? How does a Christian couple, how would God of a

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Christian couple make a decision? All right. Here's the scenario. You can identify.

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Here's the scenario. Should we buy a new car or should we just keep and repair the old one?

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Can you identify with that decision? Should we buy a new car or shall we just keep and repair the old one?

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I'm not going to ask for hands, but I know, I know for the vast majority of you have been here before.

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Okay. So how to make a decision? Well, first, first, remember you're one flesh.

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You are one flesh and such because of that, because of that, the decision that you make, you both have an equal outcome in it.

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You both have a stake, an equal stake in the outcome of the decision. You are one flesh. New car, fix the old car.

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You have an equal outcome in this. Okay. Second, your wife is your

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God given helper. She is your God given helper, right? Genesis 2, 18.

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She is a helpmate that corresponds to you. She fits you. So don't ignore her help.

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Don't ignore her help. It'd be like going into a fight with one arm tied behind your back.

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Why would you do such a thing? Why would you do that? Third, your wife may be your better.

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We talked about this last week. Your wife may be your better when it comes to things like budgeting and financial management.

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She may well be your better. She may be better at these things. Observation.

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Wives tend to accumulate debt in small increments. Men tend to accumulate debt in large chunks, right?

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A new big screen TV, brand new car. It's just one thing. A pool.

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Yeah, I mean, we could go on and on, couldn't we? Most, if there's a debt problem in a marriage, it's,

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I would say the vast majority of times the woman has accumulated the debt in a very small and incremental way.

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$10, $15. And husband, you will fight her to the bitter end over that $15 expenditure at Walmart.

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And then a half an hour later, the UPS truck shows up and drops off the whatever, right?

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I get it. That's how it often works. Your wife may be your better. Don't forget that.

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She may well be your better. Fourth, your wife loves you.

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Gentlemen, your wife loves you and she is committed to you. She is not your adversary.

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She's not your adversary. Now, if he's got something you really want to do and she's not so inclined to do it, you might think she is your adversary.

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And that's when you order the big screen TV and don't tell her and just have it dropped off.

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Yeah. But she's not your adversary. She is not your adversary.

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She is committed to you because you are one flesh.

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You're one flesh. Now, gentlemen,

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I don't know. You decide, honey. That's that. Yeah, that's a decision, but that is really not a very good one.

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Okay. So that's not a good way to do it. That's not a good way to do it. So how do you do it?

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Okay. After much prayer and open and honest discussion, perhaps depending on if it's a car, probably occurring over a period of time.

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If there is still an impasse, if there is still an impasse, then you as the husband must step out and make a decision and bear the weight of the consequences of your decision.

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Somebody has to decide and God has pointed you to be that one. Again, as I said, it's really tempting to just shortcut the whole discussion and prayer side of it all and just go right to,

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I'm doing it and that's the way it is, honey. Get used to it. That's not the way to do it.

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So gentlemen, we will bear the weight of the consequences of the decision we make. If we buy a new car and we obligate the family to X number of hundreds of dollars a month, payments for the next umpty million years, then we will bear the weight of that responsibility.

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Yes. And wives, it is disrespectful to say,

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I told you so. That is disrespectful. If he makes the wrong decision, you can't say

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I told you so. Nor is it leadership, gentlemen, to blame your wife if it turns out poorly.

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You're the one who wanted the new car, honey. No, that's not leadership.

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That's not biblical decision -making. So gentlemen, your authority is reflective.

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It is reflective. It is primary and fifth and finally for this morning, a husband's authority is loving.

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A husband's authority is loving. It's a loving authority.

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Verse 25 in Ephesians chapter 5. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.

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Now, in order to get a good foundation, that's all we're going to do here this morning is just start to lay in a foundation for this command because it is so important and all -encompassing.

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So in order to lay in a good foundation with regard to the characteristic of the husband's authority with regard to being loving,

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I want to step back with you and reflect on the loving relationships within the Godhead.

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So I'm going to go back because theology produces duty. Doctrine before duty.

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So I want to look with you at the loving relationships within the Godhead itself because it is our model and I, in this just a few minutes here,

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I'm going to be drawing upon a book that I have commended to you before. I will come into it to you again. You'll probably hear me come into it again later called

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Delighting in the Trinity. Okay. You know what, Wise? If you're looking to buy a little stocking stuffer and it's thin, okay?

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So that's like the first characteristic for a man to read a book. It's thin. It's called Delighting in the

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Trinity. The author's name is Michael Reeves, capital R -E -E -V as in Victor, E -S.

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Michael Reeves, Delighting in the Trinity. About 160 pages with pictures.

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With pictures, right? I'm telling you, it has achieved into the top 10 status of books that I have ever read in my life.

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And Pastor Jim would highly recommend it to you as well. Delighting in the Trinity. So let's unpack it just a little bit here.

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1 Corinthians 11 .3, Paul writes, I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man and the man is the head of a woman and God is the head of Christ.

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This headship and authority structure is the channel through which the love of God flows.

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This is the channel through which the love of God flows. Let me explain.

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The father is the head and lover of the son. The father is the head and the lover of the son.

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Now, while the son of God certainly loves the father, it is Christ the son who is referred to as the beloved.

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He is called the beloved. You can see it here in Ephesians chapter 1. We don't have to turn any further than that.

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Ephesians chapter 1 and verse 6. We'll pick it up in five just to catch a little context.

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He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to himself according to the kind intention of his will to the praise of the glory of his grace, here it is, which he freely bestowed on us in the beloved.

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Christ is referred to as the beloved. The father is the initiator.

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The son is the responder. The father is the initiator. The son is the responder. Does the son love the father?

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Yes, he does. Absolutely. Eternally. Perfectly. But he alone is referred to as the beloved.

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Secondly, the son is the head and the lover of the church. The son is the head and the lover of the church.

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John chapter 15 and verse 9, where Jesus said, just as the father has loved me,

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I have also loved you. The son is the head and the lover of the church.

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Let me quote Reeves for you here now. Quote, this means that Christ loves the church first and foremost.

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His love is not a response given only when the church first loves him.

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His love comes first and we only love him because he first loved us.

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Close the quote. First John 4, 19. So Christ is the lover.

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The church is the beloved. He is the initiator.

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We, as his church, are the responders. We respond to the initiated love of Christ for us.

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Third, in marriage, the husband is the head and lover of his wife.

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In the marriage, the husband is the head and the lover of his wife. She is the beloved.

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She is the beloved. And he is called to model his love for her after Christ's love for the church, right?

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525. Husbands love your wife just as Christ also loved the church.

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So he's called to model his love for her, his beloved, as Christ has loved his bride, the church, his beloved.

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That means that like the church, the wife is not called upon to earn her husband's love.

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She's not called upon to earn her husband's love, just like the church is not called upon to earn

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Christ's love for us. But, and again I'll quote Reeves here, quote, but she can enjoy it as something that is lavished upon her freely, unconditionally, and maximally, close to quote.

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Freely, unconditionally, and maximally. Because that's what you vow to do.

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That is what you vow to do. Putting it all together.

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Let's put it all together. Reeves notes that quote, for eternity the father's soul loves the son that he excites the son's eternal love in response.

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Christ's soul loves the church that he excites our love in response.

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The husband is to so love his wife that he excites her to love him back.

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Do you see how this descends down? Father to son, son to church, husbands to wives.

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So Reeves would say, such is the spreading goodness that rolls out from the very being of this

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God. Gentlemen, our love for our wives finds its deepest origin in the very trinity of God himself.

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That lifts it all out of the realms of societal conventions and all other silliness.

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It's a very serious thing. Very serious. And also, because God is a good gift -giving

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God, it is the source of greatest human satisfaction and fulfillment.

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It is all potentially there for us if we will just follow the manufacturer's instructions.

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I think I said it last week, man. I know directions are for idiots who don't know how to build things.

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Well, this is one area where we're idiots and we don't know how to do it. We don't.

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So we need to follow the instructions. We need to. This is the theological basis.

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This is the template for the command for husbands to love their wives.

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And beginning next week, I want to begin to draw out the practical ways that this can be manifested.

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Okay? So it's been mostly theology this morning. Come back next week.

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Even you, choir members. And we'll start to talk about the practical way that we can work this out.

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Okay? I'm not trying to throw you a boat anchor. I'm trying to throw you a life preserver. Let's pray.

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Our Father, your word wounds and your word heals. Because like an infection, our sin must be exposed to the disinfectant of the

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Son of God. And so here in these words, we have for us as men what we need.

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We pray now, Father, that you would strengthen our faith so that we might begin to implement that which we know we need to do for each of us.

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There's a place, there's an area, there's an aspect of our marriage where we fall short, and we know it.

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We don't like to think about it, but we know it. And Father, what an amazing gift it would be to this church, to this community, to our children, to our wives, if we would begin to get serious about some of these things.

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May you do your goodwill in us, O Lord. The praise, the glory of your grace.

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Amen and amen. All right. Blessings on you.