Marriage: Happily Ever After? (Part 3)

Bethlehem Bible Church

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S. Lewis Johnson reported a true story about a bridegroom named

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William Dyke. At 10 years old he had been blinded and in spite of that he went to university, won honors at a university in Britain, also won a beautiful bride whom he had never seen.

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Shortly before his marriage he submitted to an operation and the climax came on the day of his wedding.

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In order to make it as climactic as possible, the doctor who had performed the operation stood by his side on the wedding day.

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Just before the bride was to come down the aisle, the eye doctor cut away the bandages from his eyes and as she reached the front of the auditorium for the first time his eyes looked upon her and he said, at last.

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And they lived happily ever after. It reminds me of the 7 -year -old girl who saw

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Cinderella testing her neighbor friend's knowledge of the story. The neighbor wanted to impress the girl.

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I know what happens at the end. What? Said the little girl. Cinderella and the prince live happily ever after.

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To which the little girl said, oh no they don't. They got married. James Montgomery Boyce once heard a man say,

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I'm never going to get married because I've never known a married person who is happy.

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The definition of a spouse according to one, someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you stayed single.

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Laugh now. Yuck it up now. William Congreve, a literary figure said, every man plays the fool once in his life, but to marry is to play the fool for all one's life.

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And maybe saddest of all, people say marriage is a three -ring circus. First it's the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering.

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My purpose this morning is to teach you what the Bible says about marriage. The text says in Proverbs, he who finds a wife finds a what?

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A good thing and obtains favor from the

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Lord. Now marriage is difficult. Marriage has trials. It's not easy. It's not automatic.

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But it's called the grace of life for a reason. I prefer quotes like this from Bishop Taylor.

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If you're for pleasure, marry. If you prize rosy health, marry.

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A good wife is heaven's last best gift to a man. His angel of mercy. Minister of graces innumerable.

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His gem of many virtues. His box of jewels. Her voice, his sweetest music.

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Her smiles, his brightest day. Her kiss, the guardian of innocence.

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Her arms, the pail of his safety. The balm of his health. The balsam of his life.

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Her industry, his surest wealth. Her economy, his safest steward.

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Her lips, his faithful counselors. And her prayers, the ablest advocates of heaven's blessings on his.

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Head. I prefer men like Martin Luther who would say of marriage, there is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, community or company than a good marriage.

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Our Joseph Addison, a happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendships, all the enjoyments of sense and reason and indeed all the sweets of life.

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As you know, we've been in Malachi and Malachi is pretty scathing. It is a tough message to hear.

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Malachi is firing on all cylinders and then tucked in the middle of chapter 2, he talks about the wife of your youth, the wife of covenant.

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And so it got me thinking as we talked about last week, how deadly divorce is and I thought you know what would be a good thing for our church and honor the

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Lord. Let's talk about marriage and what the

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Bible says for both the husband in light of his position in Christ, in light of union with Christ.

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How do we respond to our wives and the next week wives, how do we respond to our husbands?

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It has nothing to do with Mother's Day. As you know, my view of Mother's Day is serve your mom at home.

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Today is the Lord's Day and I want to honor the Lord here. So let me give you some rebar for your marriages, some reinforcing bar, some reinforcement steel spiritually speaking in light of who you are in Christ because there are some marriages here that are doing wonderfully well by the grace of God and I want them to stay that way.

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I want you to excel still more. There are some marriages here that are in trouble and I want those marriages to work through the issues of what does the

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Bible say and I say ahead of time to those marriages, do you believe Jesus was raised from the dead?

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Because if you do, the same power of the resurrection can work in your life.

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I talked to somebody after the first service, a couple, and they said we believe in the resurrection because our marriage has been redeemed and it's not what it used to be.

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I am after this morning not somber marital living but sober thinking about it.

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Trick question, do you want a happy marriage? Do you want a happy marriage?

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You say what's the trick about that? Well, it's really a wrong starting question.

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Would you like a God honoring marriage? Would you like a holy marriage? Do you run after the glory of God in your marriage?

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Or I think marriage could turn into an idol, couldn't it? It's like the doctrine of assurance.

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When you like to have assurance, we all do, you say I'm going to run after assurance.

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I'm running after the confidence I have that I know I'm in Christ. I've been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb, the risen

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Savior. But when you chase after assurance, it flies away. And when you chase after Christ, the just and the justifier, when you chase after Jesus, the

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God -man, it's funny how, it's amazing how, it's wonderful how assurance just comes to you as a byproduct of you fixing your eyes on Jesus.

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Same thing with marriage. If you want a happy marriage, don't chase a happy marriage. Chase holiness in your marriage in light of who you are in Christ and guess what happens?

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You get the fruit of a holy marriage and that is a happy marriage.

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The ultimate goal in your marriage is godliness, the glory of God. What is the chief end of man?

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What is the chief end of marriage? To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

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One writer said the reason we're miserable in our marriages is because we have idolized them. But the glory of God is more important than our domestic happiness.

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When a husband seeks to glorify God in his home, he will be equipped to love his wife as he's commanded. And if he loves his wife as commanded, the aroma of his home will be pleasant indeed.

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My goal is summed up in Luther's words, let the wife make the husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave.

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So three for the husbands today, three for the wives next week. Happy Mother's Day. All right.

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The most inflammatory, incendiary message I ever preached was 15 years ago on this day for a

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Mother's Day message and I just thought it was from the Bible but I did not know the response to come. Turn your

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Bibles please to Ephesians chapter 5. Rebar strand number one for the husbands. In light of who you are in Christ, since you're the leaders, we'll start with the husbands.

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Since the focus in Malachi was of the husbands, we'll start with the husbands. Rebar strand number one, husbands love your wives.

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And we don't have to do much set up in the book of Ephesians because number one, we're familiar with the passage. Number two, it's not like he just gives us an imperative apart from the work of Christ.

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Yes, we could go back to chapter one and say the triune redemption where the father in eternity past chooses you and the son redeems you and the spirit of God seals you.

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In fact about chapter two in the glory of Christ in the church and same in chapter three and a lot of imperatives in four and five.

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But here we see the imperative and the indicative tied together. We see the model of Christ, the ground of the love of the husband is found in the love of Christ for his bride.

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Verse 25, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for...

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I think there's a lot of truth well obviously in that verse but in this statement. A happy man marries the girl he loves.

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A happier man loves the girl he marries. Do you get it?

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Here we have the exhortation of the husbands, love your wives. And this is fascinating because in the Greek world and the

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Roman world there were no such things as commands for husbands in marriage because it was all at the feet of the women.

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That's fascinating to think about. The household codes back in rabbinic literature even you don't see love your wives, sacrifice for your lives.

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Yet that here is the dominating thought of this section. Do you see the word love in chapter five verse 25?

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Not once but twice. Verse 28 it's found three times and in verse 33 it's found another time.

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Six times agape love your wife self -sacrificially.

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She doesn't deserve to be loved this way but you love her anyway because why?

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You see the model and ground of love as ESV says and NAS says just as Christ loved the church.

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I mean here's what I want when it comes to have a good marriage. Just give me the five easy steps. Just give me the practical principles.

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Just tell me what to do and the answer here for Paul is the cross.

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It's the Savior's love at Calvary. Walter Chantry said there's no such books or devices you must bear a cross.

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Take aim on self. Set your sights on putting self to death. Deny self.

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Rise early. Cry with a fresh uniting of all your energies for one purpose. When Samuel Rutherford the great preacher in Scotland would stop and talk a little bit about Jesus in the middle of his imperatives the old men would shout out of their pews hold it right there minister.

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Hold it right there. To make sure that we just don't have empty imperatives. Love your wife.

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Be kind to your wife. Be considerate to your wife without grounding it to the cross and Christ work.

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What does that word agape mean? It's the highest form of love as I know you know.

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Self -sacrificial love. To give yourself for the well -being of your spouse.

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To subordinate your own desires, pleasures for someone else.

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I want what's best for them. Now let's think about it for a second. I rarely like to say this next word from the pulpit on Sunday.

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I might have said it five times in my life on Sunday morning. I say it other times because it's good for the economy of terms and definition.

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But here's the thing. I know most of you men here are Calvinists. Proudly so.

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If you mean by Calvinist all babies who are born and die they go to hell and you don't evangelize and you don't pray.

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That's not what I mean. But if you mean Calvinist by God sovereignly initiates grace.

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He's the one that seeks and saves those who are lost. He's sovereign over who goes to heaven.

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When you talk about the reformed doctrines and the five solas and the high view of God.

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Most people here they get a hold of it and the men would say, almost without exception here, we're

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Calvinists in our soteriology, in our view of salvation. God chases us down.

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His initiating grace. We're too depraved. We're too corrupt. We're unable to follow

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Him, to believe in Him so God has to track us down and He does it with an initiating, selfless, sacrificial grace.

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And most of us are Calvinists soteriologically but in our marriages we act like Arminians and Pelagians.

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What do I mean by that? Well, I will love my spouse if she does this.

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If she contributes this, then I will do that. Friends, let's put it this way.

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Christ monergistically loved the church. Alone, mono, erg, work.

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He alone works and that's why it's tied in to Christ's work here for the husbands. You love the unlovable.

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You love a Jezebel. You love... I mean, I hope we don't have anybody named this here this morning.

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I ask for your forgiveness ahead of time. But love the gomer. I mean, who does that?

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Name their kid gomer. I just read Hosea yesterday. Hosea loved the whore, loved the prostitute.

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How could that happen because this kind of love is not, well, you do this for me, then I do it. This is the husband, the leader, the covenant initiator.

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He's supposed to love just as Christ loved the church. And I can say this because I am one, even though I hate it in my life.

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When I'm thinking fleshly thoughts, I'm lazy. And if she does this, then I'll do that.

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And here the text is loud and clear. Love your spouse. And here's the idea.

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Just think back for a second, husbands, if you're a Christian, did you earn your salvation?

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Did you merit your salvation? Could you go up to God and say, yes, you know, I know Jesus died on the cross and all that reconciliation, propitiation, wrath bearing.

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I know all that, but here's my contribution. And I could not have been saved without something I did.

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Of course, you wouldn't say that so terriologically, but does your marriage show that?

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Instead of saying, you know, I didn't earn salvation and God loves me. God demonstrates his love toward us that while we were yet the perfect spouse,

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Jesus died for us. No, we didn't earn salvation. We didn't merit salvation.

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Husbands, if you like grace from God, we're to love our spouses.

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Christ loved the church. Christ loved sinners, even when they were sinners.

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I think of a willing sacrifice of Christ in John 10, for this reason, the father loves me because I lay down my life so that I may take it up again.

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No one has ever taken it away from me, but I lay it down on my own initiative. So that's divine sovereign love.

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I have the authority to lay it down. I have the authority to take it up again. This commandment I received from my father.

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And do you notice the text and gave himself up for her, the church.

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Now Paul might say, God died for my sins. He died for me.

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He died for our sins, but here isn't it wonderful. It's feminine. Ecclesia is feminine.

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And here he gave himself up for her. So there's an easy mirror for us to say, God, the son loves the church so much.

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It was self -sacrificial love. The church didn't earn it or deserve it. She was spiritually dead.

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And here's how I'm to love my bride, my wife. And do you notice how it's tied together with love and give and gave himself up for her.

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This is language reminiscent of John 3 .16, isn't it? For God so loved the world, he gave.

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This language of giving, the one that you see right there in Ephesians chapter 5, is used of Jesus regularly and most often when he gives himself over to be crucified under suffering, under judgment, under death, under the cross.

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He was delivered for our transgressions. Romans 4 uses the same word. So husbands,

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I ask you the question. In light of who you are in Christ, in light of what Jesus has done for you, you've been justified through faith alone.

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You are to love your wife sacrificially. You say, but you don't know about my wife. No, you're forgetting the cross, but you don't understand.

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You're forgetting. You're acting like a Pelagian. If she does this, then I do that. No. Yes, but I'm going to love her too much and she's going to take advantage of me.

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That may very well be the case. One man said, you are never in danger of loving your wife too much.

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Judith Vorst said, one advantage of marriage is that when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in love again.

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That is why my old pastor, when a man would come into him complaining about his marriage,

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I don't love my wife anymore, my old pastor would say, and I now use this, well then you better repent and start right now.

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He's saying I don't have the feelings of love, but what he really needs to do is to start doing the actions of love and the fruit of the feelings will certainly follow.

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Christ loved the church because she was perfectly lovable? No. You say, well, you don't understand my wife and she's backslidden.

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She's not even a Christian. I got married here when I was an unbeliever and now she's not a believer, but I am.

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Husbands, love your wives. You say, well, I've lost my wife.

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Pray for the marriages here that this will happen. Pray for the young people who will be married one day for this to happen.

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I love symbolism in weddings. Have you ever stopped to think about the marriage ceremony and all the symbolism? The groom comes in first.

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He's the covenant initiator. The family sits on two different sides of the auditorium, symbolizing when the couple walks down here or the bride comes down here, she's cutting the covenant.

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White runner, holy ground. Parents given special seating of honor. Father walks the bride down the aisle.

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I endorse this man that I'm going to give my daughter to as the best choice.

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Groom makes the vows first. He's the leader. The rings, the endless circular shape, a covenant relationship without end.

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Unity candles, we are now one. Veils that show modesty. The gown which symbolizes with its whiteness, purity.

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The kiss, seal this contract with a kiss. I think in the old days they used to throw rice, but then we didn't want to vacuum it up.

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They're all wonderful, but if you miss Ephesians 5, you miss it all. Marriage is modeled after God's love for his people.

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Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church.

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Well, I don't feel like it. Well, that's not Jesus' response. Well, I just didn't feel like going to the cross.

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First John 3 .16, this is how we know what love is. Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

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Is there a greater example of love? And Paul says, husbands, you love your wives just like that.

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I love to ask grooms, grooms to be future husbands.

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Why are you choosing your spouse to be? Why are you choosing your bride? And I've had all kinds of answers and I love them.

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Give me four reasons, and this is in front of the lady. So we're sitting there in the office and it's counseling. Tell me, why'd you pick your wife to be?

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I get all kinds of answers. Her sense of humor. She's witty. She's pretty. She's attractive.

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She's beautiful. She's caring. She loves her parents. She loves children. She's wicked smart.

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I mean, okay, wicked intelligent. I've got, she's a

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Christian. She's a Calvinist. I've got all kinds of things. But then you think, okay, it's right for a man to choose a lovable woman.

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It's right for a man to have his parents in a range marriage to choose a woman from a virtuous family.

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I understand that. It's right. It's good. But when you think of four descriptions of you, me, the church, and God loves anyway, think of Romans chapter five, sinners, ungodly, enemies, helpless.

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Who loves the unlovable? Whose love is motivated by grace?

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Greater love has no one than this. Then one lay down his life for his friend. Mark Twain could be right when he said love seems the swiftest, but is the slowest of all growths.

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No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. So until then, love.

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And I praise God that June 6th I'll have been married 26 years. What happens?

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You think, well, I want those feelings. I'm after the feelings. Well, that's me. I want these feelings versus how can

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God be glorified in my marriage by me laying down my life for my wife? I mean, I've done so many things wrong.

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I mean, I remember writing the letter in seminary in the early nineties to Jim George, the admissions guy, why

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I have to leave seminary because my marriage is in such an awful state. How can

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I lead the church if I can't even lead my own wife? I'm just weeping as I write the letter. And I've been there.

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That's for certain. I fall short. Now I need a Savior today as well. So I'm studying this passage, and I thought this is good for the church.

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We're in Malachi, but the marriage is attacked from the outside. There are marriages that are struggling here.

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We need a good dose of what does the Bible say about marriage and how God created it and our response to the

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Lord because of our salvation. So I'm studying this week, Ephesians 5, and here's what

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I was doing. You study like this. Lord, it says, love your wives as Christ loved the church.

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And Lord, the times that I've done it, it's only been through your grace because that's not my nature.

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Please forgive me for the times that I've fallen. And I love Kim because I either did something wrong or I want something out of her, and that's not like Christ.

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And I'm just going through Ephesians 5, and I happen to be studying home that day, and literally I'm down like this studying the passage,

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Ephesians 5, and I'm feeling progress in the message. And once you kind of get on a roll, don't stop.

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I mean, I have to get up and preach again to you guys. It is scary, by the way, to preach to this congregation because you expect

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A, biblical, B, Christ -centered, and it's like here every single time. Can you just lay off a little bit, please?

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I need a break. And the phone rings. Okay. It's Mike Abendra.

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It's Kim. Hi, honey. Got a flat tire. I thought, do

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I believe in providence or what? Duh. I mean, I don't even have to be a charismatic to realize the wonder -working power of God.

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This is amazing. And so many times I have failed. Many times. But here's my point.

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I don't want to be the star of my sermon, but here's the thing. The Word of God can change you because as I was studying it right there, it was changing me.

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And instead of going, yes, honey, I'll be right there. I mean, that's what I normally do. I don't say no, but my heart says no.

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My body says yes, and my mind says call 1 -800 -AAA is what it says. Didn't I sign up for Union News just a while ago?

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So for whatever reason, and I'm telling you the reason is because the Scripture was just invading my mind.

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I want to be under subjection to it. I want to obey. It's never too late to start obeying. I thought, okay,

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Lord, I'm just going to do this the right way. I can change a tire. It can take me 20 minutes. This is fine.

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This is a lesson. How to love your wife. So I get there, and I'll just better speed up the story, and I think, okay, first, get the spare out.

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Well, there's so much corrosion under the truck that the spare can't come out. Grind all you want. It's not coming out.

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Okay, I've got my other car here. Can you just go work out in the gym? By the time you're done working out, just come out.

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It'll be done, set. I take the tire off. I drive to one place. It's too busy. I drive to another place, patch it.

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Here's the 25 bucks. They put the thing in, come back, get ready to put the tire back on the truck, and it's a thick snow tire, and it's too big for the jack.

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Jack won't go high enough. I can't get it back on. It won't get back on. So if I just crank up one of those cheap jacks a little bit higher, then it might work.

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I crank one more time, and it's not because my strength is so brutish, but because the jack is so cheapish.

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I break the jack. I'm like, but you know, here's the weird thing.

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I just got done studying it, and I really want the Word of God to convict me. I really want to be obedient.

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What has the Lord done for me? I'm not paying him back out of a debt of, you know,

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I've got to keep my position in Christ Jesus. But since he's done everything for me, and now he says, love your wife, so I finally got that fixed, and the crowbars hitting my ankle, and big hematoma literally, and scratch, and all these things.

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I literally, after two hours getting it all set and all fixed and everything else, got it done, came back home, sat down at my desk to study.

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I don't mean this in any kind of like I'm above study, but I just thought, Lord, thank you.

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I don't really need to study anymore. That was my study. What do

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I want? Kim under the car, Kim picking up the big tire, Kim doing all the stuff. You know, you've got to stand on the lug nuts, and crowbar, and all that stuff.

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And I wanted to tell her though, I'll just tell you about what my flesh thought. I wanted to tell her how sacrificial I was for her.

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Come on, can you do something to them? Red carpet treatment tonight or something? Isn't it Father's Day on Sunday?

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Gene Perritt said, our wedding was many years ago. The celebration continues to this day.

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And I'm telling you, no matter how good or bad your marriage is, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.

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There's hope. You walk by faith and not by sight. Well, you don't know my wife. No, but I do know you, and you're a scoundrel, because I'm a worse scoundrel than you are.

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And Jesus loves scoundrels, and he laid his life down for them. And now he calls us to lay down our lives for our wives.

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Why did he do it? Do you see it in verse 26? That he might sanctify her, the NAS says.

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So does the ESV. That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the

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Word. Sanctify, to set apart, mark something off as dedicated. This is the old

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Jewish wedding custom. When the ring is given, the bridegroom says to the bride, behold, you're sanctified to me, to me alone, to be pure, to be mine, cleansed by the washing of water with the

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Word. This has nothing to do with baptism. This has everything to do with bridal baths back in the old days as a metaphor for the cleansing work of Jesus Christ through his

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Word. This is 1 Corinthians 6 language, but you are washed. Remember those old

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Greek marriage customs? The bride is bathed in water, or in Esther's case, her beautification was as follows, six months of oil with myrrh and six months with spices and cosmetics for women.

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That's why J. Vernon McGee, who's by the way dead, his body's dead, he said, may

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I say to you that if your wife takes a few hours in the beauty salon, you ought not to complain. These girls spent a whole year there.

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Through the instrumentality of the Word, of truth, Christ's Word, there's a cleansing, there's a washing, and there's an ultimate purpose.

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Verse 27, look at the presentation, that he might present to himself, the church, in all her sin, in all her gross,

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Ezekiel 16 kind of thing, no, in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, the

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NES says. ESV says, to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish.

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The church glorious, adorned for her husband. Verse 28, it's repeated with plurals and then singulars.

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Ephesians 5 .28, so husbands ought to love their own wives, plural, plural, as their own bodies.

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He, singular, to make it true for every individual Christian, including every husband who's here today, that's what

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I meant, husband, he, singular, who loves his own wife, singular, loves himself.

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Why? Because they're one. No one ever hated his own flesh, verse 29, but nourishes and cherishes it.

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And here's the tie -in again, this is not just moralistic, just as Christ also does the church.

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Nourishing the church in every aspect, cherishing the church, tender kind of cherishing.

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I love the definition of this tender cherishing love by Walter Trobish. Let me try to tell you what it really means when a fellow says to a girl,

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I love you. It means you, you, you alone. You shall reign in my heart.

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You are the one with whom I long for. Without you I am incomplete. I will give everything for you.

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I will give up everything for you, myself as well as all that I possess. I love you alone and I will work for you alone.

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I want to always remain at your side. A good definition of Christ loving the church or a husband loving his wife?

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The answer is yes. Verse 30, because we are members of his body.

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For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

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Like it or not your marriage is a preacher. What's it say? This mystery is great but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

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Husbands, 24 hours a day your marriage preaches what you believe about Jesus loving the church.

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A living picture of Christ. You say, well I don't feel like love for my wife.

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I don't feel like loving my wife. Reminds me of one old person who retorted back, well there's always obedience.

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That's true. Rebar strand number two. For those of you who are keeping score at home with time tallies, when

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I was younger and the pastor said he had three points and the first point lasted 25 minutes, then

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I realized the sermon was going to be 25 times three. But in fact it's not. All preachers are longer on their first point.

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So just to let you know. Rebar strand number two. First love your wife.

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Second, don't be embittered against them. As the ESV says, don't be harsh with them.

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Turn to Colossians 3 .19 please. 3 .19 of Colossians. Another book that is very similar to Ephesians.

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Kind of a sister book almost. And he doesn't have the tie -in here with the Lord's work at Calvary but if you went back to chapter 1 and 2 you would see in fact who

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Jesus is. Who he is in terms of a great creator and all glorious in chapter 1.

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A wonderful redeemer who disarms principalities in chapter 2. And in light of who we are, Christians, in light of the

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Spirit of God who dwells in you so you're able. He says in Colossians 3 .19,

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something that the wives are never told. It's not good advice for the wives but the husbands are particularly susceptible to such a sin.

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As we'll see next week the wives are told to respect their husbands but the husbands are never told to respect their wives.

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Why? Because the wives have to be under their husbands' authority and the husbands are not perfect yet practically and so how do you respect someone who's not perfect?

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And here, especially tied in with love, when you're not loving your spouse it's easy to become embittered.

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And if you are embittered it's a sign of you not loving. The text says Colossians 3 .19, husbands love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

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NAS. I like that translation better. ESV of course you see it in front of you. Do not be harsh with them.

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The word means undrinkable water. Have you ever seen water someplace and you think I can't drink it?

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Have you ever had a sour stomach? Maybe you have a little kid and they've got a sour stomach and you know what happens after they do that.

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This word means to be irritated with. Men, are you irritated with your spouse? Even the

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Greek word sounds like what it is. This brooding, grudge -filled attitude, she doesn't meet my needs.

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Like a rancid Caesar salad dressing, the Greek word is picria. Picria.

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It's just, if you take a lemon wedge and jam it into your mouth and just bite down.

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Bitter, sour, grudge -filled and then it spills out.

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The ESV kind of gets the fruit of it. Harshness. Lloyd -Jones says bitterness is a state of the spirit.

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Denotes a sort of persistent sourness. It's an unloving condition. Indeed it's a condition which never sees any good in anything but always contrives to see something wrong.

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Some defect and deficiency. The person himself is jaundiced and bitter and everything he looks at is tinged by the same thing.

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Exasperate me. You irritate me. You annoy me. You want reconciliation?

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You're not going to get it from me. And fascinatingly, wonderfully, thankfully this word bitterness is never used of God.

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Can you imagine? We're saved. We're positionally now just before God because of righteousness of Christ merited to our account by imputation, foreign

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Christ righteousness. And now we're his children adopted. And then we sin.

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And then God having a brooding attitude toward us. Picria.

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Harsh. Irritable. Side note, you say, well,

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I have a hard time understanding who God is because I had a father like this. And by the way,

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I had a father like this. But this word is never used of God the father. Never used of the son.

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Never used of the spirit. Not bitter. Because it's tied to love.

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And so love says, I want what's best for you. And if I don't get a response, I'm not going to take it out on you. I mean, here's how

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I operate in my own flesh. I'm going to love you and I'm going to expect good returns, good dividends, good yields.

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And then if I love and then you don't love back, then I'll say something. I won't say it out loud because I'm smart enough not to do that.

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I'll think, you know what? It doesn't work. I love my wife and it doesn't work. This comes from the same attitude when

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I talk to parents and they go, well, I don't spank. Oh, you don't? Well, why?

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Well, because it doesn't work. A. God's not bitter towards sinners.

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And P. Praise father, son and spirit that he is not a pragmatist.

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Never say, well, I'm not going to obey because it doesn't work. That will give you bitterness.

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That will give you a cancer in your marriage and it's called bitterness. And then we just hide behind code words as bitterness just eats our soul.

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Well, I'm just bothered. I'm annoyed. I'm resentful. I'm displeased.

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I'm bugged. I'm perturbed. I'm enraged. Husbands, I could give you some hints and I stand under these hints with you because as I've looked at my own life,

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I see things I don't like. If you want to be bitter towards your wife, just keep a scorecard of everything that she's ever done against you and look at it regularly.

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Matter of fact, I could just give you an easy hint. Take a dollar, go to the dollar store today, buy one of those little blue essay books and then just begin to write everything she does.

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February 15th, not appreciative for my Valentine Day card that I just said, love me,

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I am. Just keep track of everything because that's what bitterness does. Show me a bitter person and I'll tell you, oh yeah, they're going to explain to me the fight they got in 14 years ago and they know what color the shades were in the room they were in because they just keep replaying it over and over and over.

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Bitterness, one man said, is resentment that's been held on to. Husbands, when your wife says, honey, please forgive me, you need to say, do you know what, honey, in light of my sins,

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I'll be glad to forgive you and when you say that, you are saying, I'll never bring it up to God again. I won't try to bring it up to myself and I'll never hold it as a trump card that if we're ever in an argument,

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I've got the ultimate trump card to play. Remember what you did? Remember that time?

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Remember with that person? Remember with the so and so? That's a good way to be bitter and that's a good way to be sinful in your marriage when

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God says, don't be harsh, don't be bitter, don't have picria. You want to be bitter, man?

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Blame your wife for all the marriage troubles. Usually marriages are in trouble and husbands become bitter because they're not self -sacrificial in their love.

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It's kind of nice. You go, well, I never put any oil in the car and it's at 130 ,000 miles. Well, sooner or later, the light's going to go on.

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You need an oil change, pal. You're like, oh, those awful lights on my dash.

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They're there to help you and the light on the dash of your conscience when you're feeling bitter towards your wife is you're like, well,

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I better up the ante of love. I, even

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I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for my own sake, Isaiah 43. I will not remember your sins.

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And finally, number three, rebar strand number three. Husbands, love your wives in light of what

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Jesus has done for you and like Jesus has done for the church. Number two, don't be bitter.

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Number three, understand your wife. Please turn to 1

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Peter 3. Study your wife. How'd you like to be Peter's wife?

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Old Peter, not so much. This Peter, yeah. All right, 1

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Peter 3, verse 7. I mean, what do you tell a bunch of suffering people that are scattered all around?

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Well, he starts talking about God's caused you to be born again and there's great blessings to be found. But marriage is so important, even in the midst of suffering, there is advice.

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There are exhortations like this for husbands. 1

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Peter 3, verse 7. Love, don't be bitter.

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And now we see the third one. You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker, since she is a woman.

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Show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered.

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ESV says, live with your wives in an understanding way. I don't know when

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I realized this, but Kim's not like me. She's not like my dorm roommates either.

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Different emotions, different hormones. She's different than I am. It's like the man who said, the famous psychiatrist, after studying women for 30 years,

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I asked myself after 30 years of studying, what is it they really want? Lupriolo, I just want them to come with an owner's manual.

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And so, to counteract most likely this kind of macho, independent, everybody's like me, and I'm the leader,

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I'm in charge, and you serve me. Study your wife. Watch her. Observe her. You should take that notebook that I said that you should buy facetiously and then write down things about your wife.

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Oh, she likes this. She doesn't like that. She has this desire for the children, this desire for our life and for our marriage and for ministry.

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And the text here says to dwell together, to live with. It's an inclusive term from social to sexual and everything in between.

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And I love it where it says, with your wives. It means with your feminine one.

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It's a different word than we're normally used to hearing for wives. What's the nature of femininity versus masculinity?

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So study that. You're not masculine. By the way, no wonder the world says, basically, if you want to be a girl and you're a guy, just say you are.

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It's just this meld. It's just you are who you are. God makes women in a particular way, men in a particular way, and so men, we're to study our wives.

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Her femaleness is the idea. What are her goals?

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What are her frustrations? What makes her happy? What does she have anxieties about?

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What are her dreams and concerns and what does she need? And all that when you're studying someone else, the focus comes off of you.

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And you can think of Jesus back in Ephesians chapter 5, nourishing the church and cherishing the church and washing the church.

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Makes sense. Studying your wife. And you watch and observe and you take mental notes.

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And then you say, you know what? I see the weakness. I see the weakness. And the two boxers last week, they know each other's weaknesses.

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If there's an uppercut here, then I do that. And so she's weak. The text says she's weaker. I'm weak, but she's weaker.

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And now I've identified a weakness so I can exploit her. Now what does the text say? Instead of exploiting her weakness, do you see it?

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Show her honor. Honor instead of exploit. As a fellow heir of the grace of life.

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Honor, respect, recognition. This is the word from which it's used of Jesus.

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For when Jesus received honor and glory from God the Father, the voice was born to him by the majestic glory.

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This is my beloved son in whom I'm well pleased. This is the same root used earlier in chapter two of this precious value.

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First Peter 2, 7. Honor. This has to do with something's valuable to me and something's important to me.

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I wonder if we even can say that to our spouses. Or you could ask yourself the question, when's the last time you say you're valuable to me and you're important to me?

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And while I'm talking about speech, if you want to honor your wife, then I think you should always speak well of your spouse.

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You say, yeah, but in counseling I have to tell you all the wrong things about my husband before you can kind of address it to help me.

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I wouldn't even do it there. There's plenty of things in counseling and discipleship you can just say, could you help me do such and such for my responsibility?

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Now, if you talk to Kim, she's got all the dirt on me, but she always speaks well of me.

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She honors me. I don't want to say one thing negative about my wife ever.

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That's not honor. That's not making myself think, my wife is precious.

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I mean, this is the exact opposite of a bunch of guys standing by the copy machine and the proverbial water cooler dogging their spouse.

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It's almost like a one -up. Who's got the worst spouse? Who's got the worst ball and chain to bear? Here, honor.

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She has value that she contributes to you. Remember, we talked about that last week. Not to dishonor, but to treat as precious with words.

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A Greek historian once said, the woman's highest praise consists in not being mentioned at all. No, praise your wife.

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Thank your wife. You're the best of the best. You read Proverbs 31, and then just for a second, think, what do

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I deserve? In light of who I am, this is the wife that God gave me.

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I'm going to just love her. I'm going to honor her. I'm going to value her. I'm going to esteem her highly.

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There's that classic old Saturday Evening Post article, long time ago,

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Seven Ages of the Marriage Cold. Remember that? Seven years of marriage.

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First year your wife gets a cold, sugar dumpling. I'm really worried about my baby girl. You got a bad sniffle.

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There's no telling about these things, all this strep throat going around. I'm going to put you in a hospital this afternoon for a checkup and good rest.

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I know the food's lousy, but I'll be bringing you meals in from this famous Italian restaurant. I've already got it arranged with the floor superintendent.

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Second year. Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I call Doc Miller and ask him to rush over here.

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Now, you go to bed like a good girl, please, just for Papa. It's getting hot in here, man. Third year.

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Maybe you better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something to eat. Have we got any canned soup?

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Fourth year. Now, look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids, washed the dishes and finished the floor, you better lie down.

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Fifth year. Why don't you take a couple of aspirin? Sixth year. I wish you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around all evening barking like a seal.

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And you know what? This laugh is all we know. That's a laugh of amen. That's a laugh of like that.

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Seventh year. For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? People latch on to this weak idea and say, you know,

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I'm going to treat my wife like a second class citizen. Friends, men and women in the Bible, same responsibilities to worship

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God, obey the law, participate in Passover, same protection as men, same vows as men, in some cases like with the

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Nazarite vow, same access to God through Christ Jesus as men, neither male nor female.

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You're all one in Christ Jesus. She, your wife, hostess, decorator, bookkeeper, counselor, lover, housekeeper, taxi driver, and the list goes on.

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An excellent wife, Proverbs 31, who can find her worth is far above jewels to honor.

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Because what's the text say? We got to wrap up heirs together of the grace of life, spiritual privileges with you, worshiping the

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Lord Jesus so that your prayers might not be hindered. Husbands, if you're a

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Christian man, in light of your forgiveness, in light of your redemption, in light of who you are in Christ Jesus, love your wives as Christ loved the church.

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And if you haven't, go home today and ask for her forgiveness. And then ask the

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Lord's. Don't be embittered to your wives. Don't be harsh with them. And if you have been, ask them for forgiveness.

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And then number three, have a great time studying your wife. Father, thank you for our time in your word.

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You do change people. You can resurrect bad marriages. I pray for the good marriages here today that even be better.

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I pray for the bad ones that you would do a wonder, not even for the sake of the couple, but for the sake of the church, for the sake of their kids, for your sake mainly.

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I pray for those that are here, they've been divorced, they'd love to marry again.

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Maybe there's some widows and widowers here who won't be married again and want marriages in the church to be wonderful.

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Single people here that would just love to have a wife to love and young ladies and older ladies who would just love to have a husband to be loved by.

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Father, you know all things. You're sovereign in salvation and sovereign when it comes to our spouses as well.

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Father, help us to walk in a manner worthy of our calling. As Paul says to the church at Ephesus, in Jesus name.