Parenting with a Purpose (Part 1) | Outside Eden

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Parenting with a Purpose (Part 2) | Outside Eden

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Welcome to Outside Eden, two sinners discovering grace together through marriage and family.

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I'm your host, Jon Moffitt, pastor of Grace Reform Church in Spring Hill, Tennessee, and I'm with my lovely wife of 20 years,

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Judith. We have four children from the ages of 6 to 18, and it's good to be with you here again,

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Judith. Hello. Podcast number two, and we're just getting better as we go. Hopefully.

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So it's right before dinner. We've got kids all over the place and going in and out of the doors, and we have a dog walking by.

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So if you hear things, we apologize, but we're trying to get these podcasts in where we can. And so tonight is the night, and we're going to be talking about parenting with a purpose.

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So we're going to tell you a lot more about what not to do than what to do, because we've had experiences.

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And what we did with our 18 -year -old when she was one, Charis, is very different than what we did with the fourth one when he was one and two.

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So we're going to begin first talking about the purpose behind what are we doing and why is it that a lot of parents go into parenting without thinking about what's the goal?

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What are we trying to do? And basically, you know, on the lowest level, it can be, well, I don't want him to be a drug addict and a criminal, and that'd be great, you know, to, well, maybe what does the

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Bible have to say? So, Judith, I'm going to start with Ephesians 6, and then you and I can kind of talk about what we think the biblical model is, how our family has shaped and shifted over the years.

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We've been parenting now for 18 years, and it has definitely changed over the years.

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I think we're going to talk about that. All right, let's jump into Ephesians chapter 6. A lot of the book of Ephesians, we don't ever want to just kind of jump into a book, but in this particular section, it is talking about the unity of the church and then specifically the unity of the body.

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And in chapter 6, he's even going to talk about spiritual warfare and the armor of God.

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But specifically, he's just gotten done in chapter 4, talking about how there should be unity and harmony within the congregation.

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And congregations are not made up of individuals, but often they're made up of families. And so there's also family structure and how the family is to function in light of the church and in light of the gospel.

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So I would say as I read these verses, you can't disconnect them from your identity as a child of God, identity as a citizen of his kingdom and as a church member.

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All of that is a part of our understanding of these verses. So we would never want to just read this and just kind of disconnect it from its original sources and context, right?

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All right. So it says, children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. So all automatically within the structure of God's kingdom and his church, children are yet free in Christ if they are believers, but yet they still have a structure within the home.

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And that is to obey their parents. And then God gives instructions to the parents on how they are to do this, right?

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So honor your father and your mother for this is the first commandment, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land and quoting

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Deuteronomy. And then it says, fathers do not provoke your children to anger. I don't know why

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Paul would want to write that. I don't think anybody's ever done that before, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the

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Lord. Discipline there, meaning the concept of training and educating your children.

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So bring them up, educating them and training them about the Lord and instructing them in the importance of the

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Lord. So just let's start, Judith, with Justin. So this is from the other podcast

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I'm doing. I've been doing it for so many years with them. I'm just used to it. Judith, let's talk first of all about what kind of idea that we're being given here.

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You can hear the negative side that Paul is saying, don't provoke them. What would you say is some experiences that,

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I mean, it's fair to even say what I've done in the past to kind of provoke our children, but just in general, where you can see that men as the leaders of the home at times can fail and what would cause a child to be provoked is kind of the word that's being used there.

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Just men or I feel like I have more experience with how I set up. I think definitely can apply to both parents.

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Right, right. I feel like, you know, exacerbating them, making them feel like they just can't do anything right because you really are majoring on minor things, pointing out a lot of the faults without encouraging them.

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Yeah. That's the biggest thing that comes to mind. Yeah. I think we often take our failures and we place upon them.

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And so we raise the expectation and the levels upon them to live. Like we don't want them to fail in the areas that we have failed.

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So we put higher pressures upon them to perform at a level that no one can really perform. And so we don't necessarily parent from grace and mercy.

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And this is kind of getting into the purpose. So I think it's interesting that Paul does say don't provoke your children to wrath.

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Also, I think sometimes we expect them to do things that we haven't prepared them for yet. So whether that be something as simple as giving them a warning before we ask them to do something, or when my first thought was is we haven't fully been shepherding their heart in a certain area, yet we're expecting them to respond as if we have been.

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Yeah. I mean, to give an example about that, like telling a child, hey, go load the dishwasher. And then you've never taught them like what the top rack and bottom rack are for.

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And then you come over there and you just yell at them. Right. Right. And that's just ridiculous. Why would you do that? And sometimes as parents, we don't realize we're doing this.

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And that's maybe an extreme example. So and then it says here to raise them in the instruction and the fear of the

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Lord or the admonition of the Lord to respect and honor the Lord, I guess, is a way of saying that. And it's if you think about it,

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Paul is giving you the purpose of parenting here that at times we don't really stop and ask ourselves, what am

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I doing? Like, why am I what am I doing with this person? And I would say this is a failure of the church for many, many years.

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We have a growing number of families in our church who are in our churches and very old. So we haven't had the opportunity to teach people how to parent yet.

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So we're obviously we're doing this podcast now. But when you think about purposing the purpose of parenting, like I'm just going to pick on myself here for a moment.

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Like, I don't think I ever really thought about what I was doing when I was parenting, when we were little. Right. Yeah. I just wanted

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Karis to, Karis is our oldest. I just wanted her not to be annoying to me and other people. I mean, that was if I'm being honest, that was like the greatest.

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Don't embarrass me. Don't annoy me. That's right. And be cute. And when you're not cute in a restaurant, you know, now

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I'm and I could just remember being in a restaurant because she was probably our most defiant and which is great because she's going to be strong.

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And then she is strong in other areas. But I can remember being in a restaurant. I'm like, oh, she can do this. She's going to do this.

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She would die on that hill. Or sure. Yeah. Or, you know, don't don't don't drop that off of your high chair.

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And she would just look right at you and just drop it and just say, oh, what are you going to do about that? So and as we grew older and we were so stringent about certain things because we just thought these strict rules and these regulations are going to be going to change and shape her heart.

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And it's crazy. But as parents, we think rules, rules aren't bad. We still have them to the day. Right. So there's a purpose for rules and we'll talk about them in a minute.

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But the law can't change your heart. And so we kept thinking more laws would create a better heart, a softer heart.

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And it was like it. I only just saw Karis get more angry. Same thing with Titus. I don't think either of us really started thinking about our parenting until they were kind of a little bit, you know, into the ages of six, seven and eight where we're like,

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OK, this isn't working. So, yeah.

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So I would say now, you know, hindsight, if we could go back and do it over, I wish we had this because I mean,

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Judith, I'll let you speak into this. When you don't really have a purpose in what you're doing, you lose motivation. You just get exacerbated by things like it just you get overstimulated really fast because you're like this person, this human being that I'm responsible for.

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I have no control over them. Right. And if you don't have the right if you don't have your goal in mind, then it's hard to move towards the goal.

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So if our goal is just compliance, you know, there's a lot that's being left behind there.

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So I think you're right by having a goal in mind. It has to be more than just compliance.

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And that'll really shape what you're doing on a day to day basis. Yeah. Yeah. So living in a you know,

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I would say if everybody without without any instruction, so without there being any biblical or worldly instruction, the natural response of a human is to be safe and comfortable and children create all kinds of unsafety and all kinds of uncomfortability, right?

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Yeah. Yeah. And honestly, they are a mirror and sometimes that gets super uncomfortable.

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We don't want to see how we are. And a lot of times we can see it in our children. It's true.

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Yeah. I mean, little little Karis, man, she was she had a spark side to her. I mean,

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I'll just tell the story now, but I can just remember Judith calling me one day and she's like, you're you're not going to believe what she three or how old was she?

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I think she was. That was the bad year. She just clocked

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Judith right across the face. I hate you. She hates the story.

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She's really sweet now. So sweet. She needed Jesus. She needed Jesus. But if you don't realize at that moment, if you have a very strong willed child, because Titus was very different from that Titus.

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So are there two years apart. So our oldest son, he wasn't he was I think he probably watched

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Karis get in trouble and was like, I'm probably not going to do that. He's also the peacemaker. Yes, he is the peacemaker.

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I didn't. Unfortunately, I'm the second child and I did not get I did not learn from my sister's mistakes. I created them.

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But yeah, with Karis, I mean, when we don't have a focus and goal of where we're going, she just created an unsafe place and an uncomfortable place.

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And now I don't like her. I have to love her and I technically do love her, but I don't like her. And so it's almost like you're going to be punished for what how you made me feel versus you don't understand your heart and you don't understand what you're doing.

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And so there's a difference. So let's go before we go into any more examples. Let's talk about the purpose behind parenting.

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Right. When he when Paul says that we're to instruct them and to raise them in the

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Lord, the ultimate goal is not perfectionism. It's not performance. God, if we think we are we've already been taught the law can't change the heart.

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So then we need to talk about the gospel. So I'm going to just kind of talk a little bit about the gospel. Well, not a little bit.

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I'm going to explain the gospel and then we're going to connect it to parenting. But what's what's as those of us who are adopted by God and we believe in the gospel, the gospel is the good news that according to God's command, one must perfectly obey all of his laws and everything that he does because God's the one who created us and he set the structure in place.

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And obviously, Adam and Eve came in and decided that they were bigger than God and they didn't want to follow his structure.

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And that was passed on to us. We still want to do that. Yes, God, we know what you say, but we're going to do it our way.

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And the good news. Well, the bad news is, is that God says that there's it's not a it's not a little thing that you go against me in rebellion.

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It's it's it's a it's a horrible crime. And obviously, if you think about just God's design of punishment for those who are under the law, it's it's a horrendous separation from him and torment forever.

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And so the good news of the gospel, that's all the law and the consequences against the law. The good news of the gospel is that because of God's love and kindness and mercy, he presented all of his anger and all of his wrath and punishment upon his son instead of us.

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And then he said, you do require to be in my presence. You are required to have righteousness and all of that, which

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Jesus presented when he lived here for thirty three years. He presented all of this righteousness. All of that is given to you by a by a gift of grace.

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And when the question then becomes, well, how do we know if we know this? Well, we we know this to be true about us.

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John says, if you believe these things, I write to you that you might believe and know that you have eternal life.

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It's important. And we'll get into this, Judith, as we go into our other episodes. It's important that we understand the difference between the law and the gospel, because as parents, we're horrible.

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And I know that someone requested this episode from us. We'll talk about it not today, but how do you parent from a law gospel distinction?

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As parents, we will say we're saying the gospel, but we're really saying the law. The good news is if you obey,

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God will love you. And that is not the gospel. That is the law. So you can never obey enough or do enough for God to love you or to forgive you or to do anything for you.

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And man, as parents, I think I am guilty for saying that when we were younger parents, like for sure.

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Do you want God to love you? Do you want God to be disappointed in you? Disappointed. Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah. And using the gospel as approval is not how it is designed.

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Using the gospel is supposed to be motivation because one cannot perform.

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So this let's tie this into our purpose. Then our purpose is for our children to see the law of God and how they have failed it.

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And then we as citizens of the king have the opportunity to share the light of the kingdom with our children and say, but we have a king and he has this message.

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And because you have failed this law, look at what he's done for you in his gospel. Right. So you're probably thinking, how do you do that in parenting?

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I think it's important. And I'll say this and I'll turn it over to you and let you talk about it. But it's not necessarily how you do that in your parenting.

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It's your goal and it's your driving factor that you don't want your children to live this life thinking they must perform for God.

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We definitely are going to teach them how to obey because that's part of the instruction, but we want them to rely on the gospel for their obedience.

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And so there's the purpose behind this is that, yes, I, as Christ took on for me all of my sin so that I can enjoy my forgiveness and righteousness from him.

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He says, you now lay down your life. So we actually are going to take on the foolishness of our children.

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We're going to take on all of their, all the frustration they give us. We're going to be patient and gentle.

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Yeah. That's so funny. The fruits of the spirit, which is, you know, gentleness, meekness, patience, kindness, long suffering.

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We think that's to be applied at the church, but not at home. Unless we've had to repeat ourselves three times and that's, that's no longer.

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Yeah. Patience goes out the window after number five. I will say what you were talking about just reminded me also,

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I think it's really easy to want to believe that there is a five -step process or a do this, this, and this, and your kids will turn out well.

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And that's just a lie. Not only, I mean, we are, we're working for their heart, but also the way that you reach their heart is going to be different for each of your kids because they have, they have different things to reach them, different ways that make them feel love, different things that motivate them.

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And so it's, it keeps you on your toes. You really need to make it your goal to know your child's heart so that you know how to appeal to their heart.

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So good. Which is harder because it would be easier if it was just do A, B, and C.

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That's right. Yeah. So part of, um, I, there's a reason, the reason I mentioned this going back to context, because if you think about Ephesians, he, he starts with the gospel.

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I mean, the first two chapters are the glorious gospel of how God sovereignly saved us. Right. And he pulled out of our heart stones and put in a heart of flesh and he says, and I'm going to cause you to walk in my ways.

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And then he shows how the power of the spirit comes in and uses us, those of us with all of our gifts in chapter four to bond us together.

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And I mean, literally he says, walking away, Matt, worthy of the calling to what you've been called. And so then the purpose of your ultimate life affects your parenting.

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Just, just, I would say you and I, this has been a fun conversation for us lately that it's more of us rediscovering our purpose in Christ and then saying, how does this affect our home?

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Where we often let the world determine what the purpose of our home is.

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And it's not necessarily bad things or sinful. You know, it's like, oh yeah, we're going to be drug addicts. No, it's like, we're going to have a, a home that's centered on happiness and joy.

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And part of that is vacations and sporting goods and acting classes and ballet. And we fill our life with really good things, but we are only fulfilling a purpose that is completely disconnected from our relationship to God.

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But we, well, we do this thing on Sunday. We're going to do that. Right. So my argument here is that the, the identity that we have with our father starts, first of all, that I am adopted by him.

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And then it goes to my, then because I'm adopted, I'm a part of his family. I'm in a part of his, his city, his kingdom.

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And so my, those two first identities drive all my other identities. Then from that,

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I have a local community, an outpost of people that I work together that are also kingdom minded. And that community is what influences and motivates me and keeps me on track to then love my family.

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So we reverse it. It's like God, marriage, family, then church is down there somewhere.

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It might be after entertainment and sports, you know, whereas the Bible structure is, is my relationship with my

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God inside the kingdom, within the church that helps structure. Cause you'll notice it's at the end, chapter six, he's dealing with family at the end after he's already done with your identity.

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So your purpose as a child in the kingdom with your church drives how you function in the family.

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Right. And I might be getting ahead of myself a little bit, but I think just like we talked about in the last podcast, the church has been infiltrated by our culture and how the value of the family really doesn't even exist.

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I mean, it's obvious things like TV shows where the dad is dumb and the mom is super busy and the kids are all doing their own thing, but it's, it is a constant attack on the family.

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And again, we'd be foolish to think that that does not affect our own families. And if we don't want it to, we have to be purposeful every day to work against that because it is everywhere all around us in, in good places too.

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Like you said, like, yeah, we want our kids to experience extracurricular activities. We want them to have good friendships.

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All of these things are good, but like we've talked a lot about in the past, you have to say no to something.

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So if you're saying yes to something, you're saying no to something else. So if we're saying yes to all of these things, we could very well be saying no to our family.

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That's right. No to growing closer together, no to teaching them that how valuable the family is and what we're there for.

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Yeah. Well, I mean, our kids are at an age right now where they're everywhere and all, all over the place. And we'll get to this in a minute, but we really value family time, specifically dinner time, because that's where we can all stop and have a legitimate, like an hour together to talk and...

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Which is very counterculture. It is. And it's go here, go there, go there. We'll grab it. And there's just never a time where the family is together except for Christmas and birthdays, you know, and that's not a good rhythm, but we'll get into that.

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But even like last night, we had some emergency stuff come up with the church and we were kind of contemplating it and we're like, let's, let's do it at eight o 'clock so that we can, we still want to have dinner time because it's like, you know, it's been a crazy week.

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All right. So the purpose of it then, what helps motivate you and what keeps you centered and focused is it has to be something outside of your home and it has to be greater than your own human desires.

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And I think we have to take on God's desire and God's purpose, right? So as Jesus says, seek ye first the kingdom of God, that becomes our purpose.

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And what motivates us and teach us how to do that, our local church, if it is a biblical local church. And then our family falls in line with that, where our family is to be training them at how to seek first the kingdom of God.

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But Judith, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to admit this right now, that's not been... We've always wanted to teach our children to love the

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Lord and put God first, but I don't think we've had a clear connection as we do,

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I think now. I don't know how you're feeling. As far as like what the church is, the picture of it in that. The value of the kingdom of God in the church.

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Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I know we didn't talk about this before, but also, I mean, it can get turned around to where if church comes before family, then that can just look like serving the church constantly and still not getting that family time.

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And I think, I think we have to be careful of that too. Yeah. I think if a church doesn't have a healthy understanding of like, if a church does not have a healthy understanding of its members, then yeah, it can become sacrifice the family for the church.

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And Jesus did definitely say that. And what he meant by that is sacrifice the attitudes of the family, meaning that you're, you know, let's say

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I'm still at home and I'm, you know, 18 or whatever, and my family doesn't necessarily have the same attitude towards God that I do, then there's going to be a separation in how

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I treat my life versus how they treat their life. That's not what we're talking about, where a church can basically dominate the family to the where the family never spends time together because they're always doing church events.

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That's also a detriment as well. Thanks for listening to the first part of our series on parenting with a purpose.

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The second part of this, we're going to be covering what does it look like to parent with a purpose, starting from ages one, all the way to 18, how that helps us understand how to care for our children and our home.